LMNOP

Saturday Morning Pancake Breakfast: You Can't Make Me Come Down There

 

 

A Couple of Longreads for SOPA Wednesday

I am using the SOPA blackout as a reason to start plowing through some of the longreads I saved for later but have yet to get back to. Join me if you like. Here are a couple of bookmarks I'm trying to get through today:

How Obama's Long Game Will Outsmart His Critics (recommended today by Billy)

The right calls him a socialist, the left says he sucks up to Wall Street, and independents think he's a wimp. Andrew Sullivan on how the president may just end up outsmarting them all.  

The Search for a More Perfect Kilogram

The perfect kilogram is getting lighter. Can science find a better measure?

Can Accused Killer Seth Winder Stay Sane Long Enough to Stand Trial?

For the friends and family of Richard Hernandez, justice seemed imminent -- until his accused killer's medically induced competence slipped away.

Some Louis CK reads: Louis CK's Dirty Shameful Comedy (shortish read, actually) and Louis CK Q&A

Say Hello to My Little Friend
A guy calls, says he found some mysterious papers left behind by a dead relative who apparently shrunk human heads and bodies. Do we wanna come see?

Saturday Morning Pancake Breakfast: Mr. Blankets

One of Pancake's approximately 6,000 nicknames is Mr. Blankets. Can't remember how I came up with that one.

 

 

 

Just Doing Some Internet Shopping

I like browsing the Hammacher Schlemmer site on occasion, mostly because it makes me feel like a crazy eccentric evil millionaire villain picking up a few new things for the ol' lair. If you don't know what I mean, check out their Unexpected section post-haste. You will find, among other things:

A $25,000 "Power Nap Capsule" with a larger-than-king-size mattress made of "supple calfskin leather and 6"-thick cold foam." I assume it also has a panel that allows you to pre-set the content of your dreams by adjusting levers labeled World Domination, Jetski Escapes, I Can Fly, and Hairless Cats Love Me.

A $65,000 "Emotive Robotic Avatar" that expresses five emotions. I did the math. That is $13,000 per emotion. 

A $17,000 60 MPH Hovercraft, which seats two and might just be the best deal on the site. I mean, it barely costs more than one of your pet robot's smiles, and it is a HOVERCRAFT that HOVERS and that is AWESOME.

Anyway. The real point of this post is to point out some curious economics at play elsewhere on the site. Let's take a look at two big ticket items that are also available:

1. A Flying Car

 

Per the description: "Designed by a team of MIT graduates, this is the vehicle that converts from a street-legal automobile to a Light Sport aircraft in 30 seconds." Not bad. (Also: "Its 23-gallon gas tank provides a 425 nautical mile range (35 mpg on the road), indispensable for easy day trips from Long Island to Martha's Vineyard." Did you hear that, Most Disgustingly Rich Person Ever? Your Disgustingly Rich Problem of getting from the motherfucking Hamptons to Martha's motherfucking Vineyard IS NOW SOLVED!)

2. An Animatronic Triceratops

This is clearly the most awesome thing ever. Please read the entire description and watch the video so you can see/hear the "lifelike reactions and fortissimo bellowing" for yourself.

Anyway, here's what I'm getting at. I present these two items side-by-side for a reason: THEY COST EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY. Flying car? $350,000. Animatronic Triceratops? $350,000.

 

???HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???

Now, I'll admit that my brain gets a little hazy trying to understand amounts of money higher than what is required to go halfsies on a Kit Kat. So maybe that's part of the problem. But these two items are clearly not of equal value . . . BECAUSE THE TRICERATOPS IS SO MUCH BETTER. I assume you agree, but I will present my reasoning as a formality: 

In conclusion, here is a $350,000 gift card to Hammacher Schlemmer. I think you know exactly what to do. 

An Ultimate Grand Supreme GIF Wall for My Favorite Toddlers & Tiaras Contestant Ever

I don't know if you watch Toddlers & Tiaras or if you have some other way of being Horrible that's more personal and special to you (pshh, bet your vice doesn't let you make up cool words like Toddenfreude), but Alana from last week's episode is a must-see. She is an outlier even in a population where being average means having been born during the Obama presidency but already wearing makeup, fake eyelashes, and prosthetic beauty teeth on a regular basis.

She is my new queen.

This video, provided by Best Week Ever in an early contender for Public Service Journalism Act of the Year, will change your life forever: 

Get More: TV Shows, Full Episode Video, Reality TV Shows

I watched this vid about 20 (coughmillioncough) times late last week and discussed it at length with several friends, including my bud/GIFsmith Matt. Matt proceeded to make a gorgeous batch of Alana GIFs, which I am sharing with you the best way I know how: in an ALANA GIF WALLLLLL!

You can also click on any gif to open the (slightly enlarged) source version to download, link, or print out and burn.

(Warning: this may take a fewwww seconds to load.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Annnnd we'll close on an appropriate note:

Tip of the hat, bitches. I'm OUT.

A Few Links from Today

'90s FLASHBACK 1: Thurston Moore interviewing Beck circa 1994: this is amazing.

'90s FLASHBACK 2: Best Teen Power Couples 

This was downright gripping: Two champion cyclists try to be the fastest at this thousand-meter race by moving the slowest. In fact, the two competitors go so slowly that at the 3:38 mark, both come to a complete halt. Why?

Sorry, but tooth-shaped cupcakes really freak me out.

I read "PayPal" as "RuPaul" in this headline and was like, WTF, RuPaul??

This is a good article with a GREAT correction.

"Writers and thinkers around the world" opine: what was the most important event of 2011?

This is a grammar rap, so I am contractually obligated to post it.

What's THE BEST MAP EVER???? This, apparently.

 

Sunday Morning Pancake Breakfast: Classy Snapshot

Don't usually do B&W, but this pic seemed to be screaming for it.

GUEST POST: An Essay On Why “Around the World,” By the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Is Just A Terrible, Terrible Song

Today we've got a special treat: a guest post from a longtime friend of this blog. Oh--it would behoove you to press play on the song below prior to reading:

An Essay On Why “Around the World,” By the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Is Just A Terrible, Terrible Song

By Matt Price

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are a horrible band.  This is indisputable.  Yes, on the one hand, Blood Sugar Sex Magik sold over 13 million copies, and they headline shows in front of adoring fans all over the world.  On the other hand, this is the band which wrote the line, “Chicka chicka dee, do me like a banshee.”  In the face of evidence like this, there can be no subjectivity. And the gloriously vapid, “Around the World,” the second single off 1999’s Californication, is probably the best case study to illustrate this point.  

“Around the World” has all the hallmarks of a disastrous RHCP song.  Specifically:

• Anthony Kiedis describing allegedly sexy topics in a fairly un-sexy manner; 
• A bass line that is supposed to sound bad-ass but really just sounds like it was programmed on an 8-bit NES; 
• Dramatic attempts to fit unrelated words into the lyrics simply because they rhyme (see “beautiful: dutiful,” “mountains: fountains,” “Johnson: Wisconsin,” “Guy-Oh: Ohio”), and;
• Gratuitous use of polysyllabic state names.  

Now I don’t think lyrics have to be good all the time, especially if the author doesn’t really care about lyrics.  Unfortunately, I think Anthony Kiedis IS trying.  I read one account of this song which described Kiedis’ “struggling to write the lyrics,” which sort of reminds me of a pig struggling to use a hammer.  The problem is, I get the sense that once many of their hits are written, the RHCP are actually convinced of the truth-telling profundity of lines like, “Can’t stop – addicted to the shindig.”

So let’s take a look at this song about life and love around the world (ie five states and three other regions, by my count), verse by verse.  Bear with me, as it gets a bit tedious, or Kiedious, as the case may be.

CHORUS:  “I know, I know, for sure / that life is beautiful around the world / I know, I know, it’s you / you say “Hello” and then I say, “I do.”  

It is tempting to slam the RHCP off the bat, but I won’t.  While I might expect better from, say, George and Ira Gershwin, I’ll say this: this is probably the one line in the entire song that actually represents a coherent thought.  This is the closest this song comes to grasping subtlety: The hello / I do line is at least an interesting way to say that he falls in love with everyone he meets in this beautiful, beautiful world he seems to live in.  This is not the most profound thing ever said, but at least I understand what he meant.  OK, that being said, let’s hit the verses . . .

VERSE 1:  “All around the world, we can make time / rompin’ and a-stompin’ ‘cause I’m in my prime.  Born in the north and sworn to entertain ya / ‘cause I’m down for the state of Pennsylvania.”    

I have several problems with this, most of which hinge on Kiedis’ inability to understand what the word “’cause” means.  Generally, and this is an oversimplification, but “‘cause” means that the second thing—wait for it—CAUSES the first thing.  Instead, Kiedis is using the word “’cause” as a synonym for, “oh, and also, unrelatedly.”  Being down for the state of Pennsylvania probably isn’t the reason he is sworn to entertain ya any more his being in his prime has an effect on his ability to romp and a-stomp.

I could probably spend some time complaining about the fact that “we can make time” has no context and that being “down for the state of Pennsylvania,” doesn’t make a ton of sense (Which of these doesn’t fit? “Sure, I’m down for roller-skating.”  “Sure, I’m down for Indian food.”  “Sure, I’m down for the state of Pennsylvania.”), but Jesus, we still have a lot of song to get through.  

Verse 2: “I try not to whine but / I must warn ya / ‘bout the motherf**king girls from California / Alabama baby said / Hallelujah / Good God girl / I wish I knew ya.”

So, so far in this opus about the incredible diversity and beauty that Anthony Kiedis has seen, far and wide, in this great big world of ours, we have visited the exotic lands of California, Alabama, and Pennsylvania.  Did this guy get his passport revoked?  

Or maybe it was stolen by some of the motherf**king girls in California, whom he hates for indecipherable reasons.  There’s no way to tell since he didn’t finish his thought; we’re left with a vague warning.  Though I do appreciate that he tries not to whine about it—nothing’s worse than a song that is both lyrically bankrupt AND grouchy.

Verse 3: “Come back baby ‘cause I’d like to say / I’ve been around the world, back from Bombay / Fox hole love, pie in your face / livin’ in and out of my big bad suitcase.”

Re the last two fox hole / pie-face / suitcase lines, I refer you to Buster Bluth, “I don’t know what that means.  But it sounds disgusting.”

Once again, I suspect Kiedis’ inability to understand what “’cause” means is the first line’s saboteur.  Whoever he is beckoning will likely be annoyed to learn that the reason she was coming back was for Kiedis to simply regale her about his latest trip to Bombay.  (“C’mon, baby, let me tell just one more anecdote about the time I romped and a-stomped through the temple.”)  Also, technically it is “Mumbai,” which begs the question, are the Red Hot Chili Peppers closet British colonialist sympathizers?  Someone should look into this.

Verse 4: “Bonafide ride step aside my Johnson / Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin / Now wake up the cake, it’s a lake, she’s kissin’ me / as they do, when they do, in Sicily.”

OK, we are now getting into eye-gougingly bad territory, lyric-wise.  After finally referencing a city in another country, we’re back in the decidedly unexciting woods of Wisconsin, thanks in part to Anthony Kiedis’ Johnson.  As for the Sicily reference, I’m guessing this is an urban legend, as the Wikipedia page for lakes in Sicily shows little, if any, evidence of women rousing men from their slumber.

Also, the phrase “Wake up the cake,” does not exist.  Not even close.  This sounds like it probably was an awesome phrase in various rube towns in the 1920s (“Well wake up the cake, Johnny done picked all yer apples!”), but here it seems to mean “I’m about to say to say something about Sicily.”

Verse 5:  “Where you wanna go?  Who you wanna be?  What you wanna do? Just come with me / I saw God and I saw the fountains / You and me, girl, sittin’ in the Swiss mountains.”

This seems to be the point at which Kiedis realizes he doesn’t know any other countries and gives up on the song entirely.  I’d also be really curious about which fountains he saw, if it weren’t so obvious that he had to say he saw fountains since that’s the only word that rhymes with mountains.  (He probably could’ve forced something in about “Laotians” if he want to stay true to the song’s theme.)

Final Verse:  “Me, oh, my, oh / me and guy oh / freer than a bird, ‘cause we rockin’ Ohio / Around the world / I feel dutiful / take a wife / ‘cause life is beautiful.”

And we finish strong, on what is possibly the worst verse in the song.  Almost every word is useless, and every time three or four words are strung together, it constitutes a lyrical disaster.  The many mysteries of the last verse include: Who is this mysterious Guy Oh?  Why would rockin’ Ohio make you freer than a bird?  Who even rocks Ohio, a state known for industrial decline and being where your cousins live?  In a song advocating promiscuity on some level, why would the main takeaway all of the sudden be “take a wife,” and why don’t we get an explanation about how he arrived at that conclusion?  

And rhyming “life is beautiful” with “I feel dutiful” . . . sigh.  

Oh, and Also: The final chorus, as you may remember, goes something like, “I know, I know for sure / Ming ming mong mong ming meng mong mong ming meng.”  Relatively speaking, this lyric is actually one of the stronger ones.  

The Narration on This Video Is Amazing

Having watched COUNTLESS dog/cat/whathaveyou videos on YouTube over the years (aaaand produced a few, let's be honest), I can say that one of my favorite things about these videos is seeing what approach the pet owner/amateur videographer takes to directing his video. Some people breathe heavily or laugh intermittently in the background; others choose to narrate their pets' antics, which always cracks me up because, like, you do not need to explain that your kitten is yawning because he's tired. 

But this guy--

--may have just changed my mind by providing the most insanely obvious, yet totally amazing extended narration of his cat blending in with a blanket. He finds a way to fill up ONE HUNDRED and FIFTY THREE SECONDS with detailed commentary on the situation. I found myself unable to stop watching until the end--even though it takes about two seconds for the point of the video (cat look like blanket!) to register--because I just wanted to see what more the man could possibly say about the situation.

Bravo, guy. I expect a sequel.

Easy, Possibly Terrifying Craft: Felt Elephant Masks

Made these for a scavenger hunt. Cute, or extremely creepy?