Oscars 2014, Part Two (Non-Leto Category)

Earlier today I posted my true thoughts on the 2014 Oscars, but to be less of a slacker, I will now go a little deeper. "Deeper than posting three pictures of Jared Leto's hair?!" you may say. "Don't strain anything!" OK, wise guy, let's see YOUR Oscars recap.
 
Do I seem cranky? Maybe that is because I sat down at 6 p.m. yesterday to watch red carpet coverage and I did not leave my couch for six whole hours, and in that time I saw maybe 25 minutes of what I would file as "memorable moment," "good speech," or "Jared Leto hair screen time." (23 of that 25 minutes was Bette "Memorable Moment" Midler singing "Wind Beneath My Wings.") Not the best ROI on my six hours of precious time, unless you compare it to similarly paced activities like "American Football" and "life itself."
 
All of which is to say YES, I am a little CRANKY. It was a boring Oscars telecast and the fashion was equally uninspiring. So, rather than attempt to cover every trend, I'll speak only of those looks that moved me to comment. Selected observations forewith:
 
Winning Women: Cate Blanchett and Lupita Nyong'o
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(click either for a bigger pic)
Let's just start with the high note(s). I group these two women together for a reason, and it's not just because they won the two big awards. It's to save space. JK! It's because on a night where plenty of people looked good, these two looked special. They both chose looks that showed character and personality. Even tried and true red carpet vets have trouble choosing looks that embody charisma while also seeming effortless and comfortable; Cate is an old hand at this, and Lupita is the up and comer. (And Comfortably Charismatic is the name of my new line of pantsuits, coming to a K-Mart near you.)

So that is why I grouped them together. Please buy my pantsuits.
 
Hollywood Royalty on Autopilot: Brad and Angelina
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It's too easy for them and I should just acknowledge their majesty and move on. 
 
(Here's me doing the opposite of that.)
 
Angie and Brad have clearly vaulted past their actor/entertainer pasts into this hiz-n-herz pair of esteemed producer/humanitarian and that's great, really, and they're clearly pretty fulfilled with all that, butttttttt. I found them much more interesting before. And I know that being interesting to me is pretty low on their list of priorities (like seven, I'm thinking. Definitely 7-8 range.) But there it is. They bore me.
 
That is all.
 
Hey Wow a Blue Dress: Sandra Bullock
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I touch on this because I daresay it was a bit overrated. This made several best dressed lists and while It is a beautiful dress and she looks great--at the end of the day it's jussssssssst a navy blue dress. Feel free to argue me on this one. I just didn't appreciate it. 
 
Hey Wow Another Navy Blue Dress: Amy Adams
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This is very much in line with AA's brand of minimalist high fash. I give it a B. Not the most exciting, but it looks relatively smart. And isn't "that looks smart" about the nicest thing you can say to someone in head-to-toe navy? Also, kudos to whoever steamed/ironed this thing, because dayum.
 
Who Loves Life? Kevin Spacey Loves Life
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Also, You Know Who Constantly Looks Great Even When I Don't Like Her Outfits: Julia Roberts
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 I'm going to stop writing photo titles now because it's getting out of hand. 

Naomi Watts
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Before I start delving into the bitchier portion of this post, I'd like to say that Naomi consistently looks lovely at these things. She knows her strengths. 
 
Matthew and Camila
Rs_634x1024-140302165308-634.alves-mcconaughey.cm.3214 (1)
First of all, I am a proud Matthew McConaughey supporter who has been throwing around the term "McConnaissance" for OVER TWO WEEKS now (take that, people I saw using it on Twitter last night), but I do not like what is going on in this photo. There's only so bad a tux can be, so it's not all on Matthew. It's just that Camila's dress happens to be a color I haaaaaate and therefore the combo of her pale pink with his white is a little too King and Queen of the Bubblegum Machine for my tastes.
 
On another note-know how I always rag on celebs for not seeming more composed in their acceptance speeches because they clearly had to have known, as nominees, that there was a decent chance of winning? Well, Matthew McConaughey was clearly taking notes because his acceptance speech had an intro/thesis statement, three supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion. In other words, it was majorly prepared in advance, and possibly with the assistance of my fourth grade teacher.
 
 Kate Hudson
Rs_634x1024-140302165209-634.kate-hudson-oscars-030214I was going to call Kate Hudson out for being at the Oscars despite not having much going on, career-wise, but a quick gander at her IMDb page reveals that, with several projects in production, Ms. Hudson could very possibly be up for her own McConnaissance in the coming months. So I'll instead say I enjoyed this look and am eager to hear more about "Rock the Kasbah."
 
Elsa Pataky
 Rs_634x1024-140302170029-634.Elsa-Pataky-Oscars-Pregant.ms.030214
Oof. That is what I said when I saw this. It is honestly one of the oddest cuts I have ever seen happen in nature ("nature" being Hollywood, the least natural place on Earth). Elsa is admittedly dealing with a (literal) curve-ball in dressing around a pregnancy, but I still find this choice hard to fathom.  
 
Also, the print is ugly.
 
Kerry Washington
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This dress was a bit drab for moi. But I loved the dark lips and the overall hair/makeup so much that it all won me over.
 
She does need to get a hold of Amy Adam's dry cleaner, though.
 
Charlize Theron
 Rs_634x1024-140302163756-634.charlize-theron-oscar.ls.3214_copy
Those clear straps ain't foolin no one, lady. Let's just say this ain't my first day at Looking at a Dress School. No ma'am. I know that dress is held up by something other than magic. Nice try, though.
 
(Why do clear straps exist?)
 
Gaga
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Am I hallucinating, or does Gaga kind of look like Barbara Walters here? That isn't even a bad thing, unless you're Barbara Walters and you don't want a bunch of rumors going around that you wear scarves that serve no function. That's the kind of thing that destroys a journalism career.
 
Pharrell Williams and Helen Lasichanh 
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Hell yes. HELL. Yes. Pharrell is at the forefront of man-pris and formal shorts and I am not even being facetious right now when I say I have room in my heart for those things.
 
Liza 
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So all the headlines today were about the woman in blue who stole the show. And I hope Liza read the headlines, but not the details of the articles that followed. And I hope she had a great day.
 
That's it from me. As always, I would like to hear your thoughts on who I missed. But please McConaughize them in proper five paragraph form.

2014 Oscars Recap: Literally Just a Series of Pictures of Jared Leto

 Perfection, thy name is carefully painted man strands of ombre splendor.

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 Between the hair (that HAIR) and the white jacket/red bow tie, Leto looks like a caterer in HEAVEN serving crust-less half-sandwiches of world peace.

Jared leto ap oscars 2014

I may update this post with more comprehensive Oscar fashion commentary IF I can get myself to stop cruising internet black markets for LetoHair sweaters.

Movies-oscars-2014-jared-leto


The Most F-ed Up Commercial of the 2014 Superbowl

The Budweiser "Puppy Love" Commercial, embedded below, is regarded by many as the best commercial of the 2014 Superbowl. Please watch it if you haven't already:

Reviews were universally positive.

Budweiser's 'Puppy Love' Ad Wins Super Bowl Viewers' Hearts

"Puppy Love," Budweiser's latest sentimental spot to use a cute dog and photogenic Clydesdales to sell beer, won USA Today's annual Super Bowl Ad Meter.

"Never mind that it aired with just two minutes left in a dog of a game," USA Today writes, the ad "about a spunky puppy who is adopted but keeps coming back home to the Clydesdale horse it loves" scored highest with the newspaper's online audience of 6,272 voters.

The commercial, which Budweiser had put online last week, had been a pregame favorite to win viewers' hearts. After all, a similar spot won last year's Ad Meter.

. . . etc etc. Which is cool, except the commercial is a completely messed up tale of one man's personal tragedy. In order to understand this, you simply have to view the commercial without the scenes with the puppy and horse together--in other word's, from a human point of view.

Let's take a look.

Warmsprings1

Welcome to Warm Springs, where the sign clearly says "Puppy Adoption!"
Warmsprings2
 
Warm Springs is home to many sad-looking puppies in need of loving families.
 
[30 seconds of blank tape]
Warmsprings3
But look! This sweet little puppy is getting adopted. What a great day for him and his owner, a totally normal-looking guy who has absolutely nothing visible about him that would indicate that he is unfit for puppy ownership. (Sure, he's a little glued to his smart phone, but he's probably texting his friends "OMG JUST GOT THE PUPPY. BE HOME SOON. PLEASE HAVE SO MANY TREATS READY AT THE PUPPY SURPRISE WELCOME HOME PARTY! I WANT THIS TO BE PERFECT.")
Warmsprings4
But as the new puppy owner drives home, something in his rearview mirror catches his eye--
Warmsprings5
 A motherf*cking Clydesdale coming after him.
Warmsprings6
ACTUALLY, MAKE THAT A F*CKING STAMPEDE OF CLYDESDALES, DEMANDING THAT HE RETURN THE PUREBRED PUPPY HE JUST PAID $500 FOR.
Warmsprings6
I'm pasting this still again just to reinforce how terrifying this situation is. Imagine your car--where you sit with the tiny precious puppy you are about to begin a life with--surrounded by huge, vengeful horses.
Warmsprings7
So the dude does what any normal human would do when confronted with a horse stampede and gives them what they demand. He then presumably drives off in tears, back to a house full of shiny new puppy toys and treats that will never be used, wondering what the f*ck just happened to him.
Warmsprings8
Back at the ranch, the dog breeder and the Clydesdale owner are pretty nonchalant about the fact that a) all the priceless Clydesdale horses escaped, and b) one of the puppies they sold just randomly re-appeared. In fact, they are so nonchalant about this that they decide to let one of the horses raise the dog instead of calling the puppy's owner on his CELL PHONE which we all KNOW HE HAD ON HIM.
 
THE END.
 
So. Those are the facts. A man tried to adopt a puppy from a PUPPY ADOPTION PLACE and then got terrorized by horses until he returned it to a crafty woman and a rugged man with preternaturally white teeth. Buy some beer.

2014 Golden Globes: Print this Out and Wear it as a Dress

As the first major red carpet event of the year* the Golden Globes are usually a harbinger of trends to come. Just as last year at this time we were treated to peplum overload, certain trends have already clearly emerged for 2014.  
 
This year's recap is structured in order of the various trends I noticed on the red carpet last night. Some of them are real trends that there is an actual fashion term for. Some are . . . not. We will start with an example of the latter--one of the most visible trends of the night. Like, really visible. Yep, I'm talking about . . .
 
*The People's Choice awards are dead to me
 
TREND #1: DRESSES WITH RANDOM SHIT ON THEM
 
First, a true story: for my high school graduation party, my mom requested a cake with black and gold icing since those were my school's colors. The resulting confection said "Congrats" in bright yellow icing, bordered by approximately 30 extrremely creepy black flowers. It looked like a really poorly worded funeral cake. 
Brigid 
What I am saying is, yep--this is a thing. Dresses with random stuff hanging off them is happening, and Brigid Coulter (above) is modeling the most restrained version we were treated to last night. Suggestion: when the lowest-key look in a particular fashion category rips off my accidentally creepy Graduation Cake of Death, it might be a bad trend.
Drew_barrymore 
On that note, I guess the best thing I can say about Drew Barrymore's dress is that it makes for a much better cake concept.
 
 
TREND #2: THE MULLET DRESS
 
I did not come up with the term "mullet dress," but the shoe fits. And speaking of shoes, that is one good thing about high/low hemlines--if you are wearing $500 shoes, it's nice if people can actually see them. Here, Michelle Dockery looks elegant and sophisticated and owning-of-feet:
  Michelle_dockery
So it's possible to do this trend nicely. But when it's done wrong, it takes things in a comically bad direction, like with Caitlin Fitzgerald:
  Caitlin_fitzgerald
This dress was already channeling Spock a little too hard up top, and with the hemline it just becomes a ridiculous mess. 
 
See also: Zooey Deschanel
 
If the styles above are a nod to the mullet, Emma Watson's look presents a reversal:
Emma_watson
Much like a well-run Chuck E Cheese, this look is party in the front and business in the back. And I like it! Granted, I'm not super sure it will work on people who aren't LITERALLY LISTED ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR GAMINE, but kudos to Emma on taking an intriguing fashion risk that somehow didn't look insane.
 
TREND #3: OFF-THE-SHOULDER ODDITIES
  Zoe saldanaThis was the only dress last night that I had an actual, visible, physical reaction to. THE STRAPS. I mean, are they even straps? The whole point of straps is that they . . . strap something. These are just droopy vestigial fabric strips with no function whatsoever. Except making me cringe. They're doing a nice job of that. (P.S.: the other 98% of the dress is also ugly.)
 
Elsewhere in the Land of Strapless Abominations, we have Megan Mullally's Tudor Sleeves to Nowhere:
Megan_mulally
But lo, lest we think it is impossible for curiously contrived strapless garments to look cool, we have a spot of hope--Lupita Nyong'o's strapless cape:
Lupita nyongoFunctionally, I'm not sure what a strapless cape brings to the table. (Pretty sure shoulder warmth is a major priority of your average cape-wearer.) But visually, it's working--she looks cool and the lines are interesting. This look ended up on many best-dressed lists--and deservedly so.
 
TREND #5: BLACK AND WHITE AND QUESTIONABLE
 
Black and white is fashion's home base: a safe, foolproof way to look elegant and timeless. Usually. Last night had more misses than hits in this area. We'll start with the (relative) highs, like Laura Carmichael:
Laura carmichaelI admittedly didn't love this at first (hello, arbitrary hip panel), but it has grown on me a little more every time I've looked at it. (Like every old dude on Downtown Abbey has grown on Lady Edith, amirite?!)
 
And while J-Law's parceled gown was not everyone's cup of tea, I landed more towards liking it than disliking.
J lawI will not be quite so generous with Heidi Klum, whose dress was ruined by poor styling choices.
Heidi klum
 Nor will I excuse Julia Roberts, Olive Garden manager, for not bringing breadsticks for everyone:
Julia robertsAditionally unforgivable is Allison Williams in "animal print that does not actually occur in nature on any animal:"
Allison williams
 
Enough black and white for you? Time to overcorrect with . . .
 
TREND #6: COLOR BLOCKAGE
 
Let's be real clear: I do not hate colorblocking. In fact, I love it. I'm drawn to it. It never gets old. But taking this trend into formalwear territory? PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Cases in point:
Julie bowen
Julie Bowen tops a deep purple skirt with red velvet and a Nutcracker belt. Woman to the left says, "ummmmmmno."
Aubrey plaza"EXCUUUSE ME, is that 2014 PANTONE COLOR OF THE YEAR, RADIANT ORCHID?!?!" Said no one. I'm a fan of Aub's hair but the purple-purple pink is a little too Twilight Sparkle. (Yes, I do correspond frequently with a kindegartener.) 
 
Speaking of My Little Ponies, the beautiful Sandra Bullock wants us to cry ourselves to sleep at night asking whygodwhyyyyyyyyyy.
Sandra bullock
 
 
Perfect hair. Perfect makeup. Dress made from black satin and unicorn skin.
 
I'm placing Amy Adams in this category as well, with a look I gave a B-minus:
Amy adams
 
Kinda liked the dress; kinda hated the hair.
 
ODDS AND ENDS

Those were the major trends I noticed, but here are some other notes.
Kerry washington
Kerry Washington has an interesting sense of style. She tends to mix it up and I can usually appreciate most of her choices. And if I could look half as professional at work as Olivia Pope looks just ga-lugging vino in her jammies, I'd be happy. But. Did not like this dress and strongly felt that she looked like an oyster. STRONGLY FELT.
 
Paula patton
Re: Paula Patton, it's a time-honored rule: if you can't be the best dressed, be the most dressed.
 
And if you can't be the most dressed . . .
 
BE MARIO LOPEZ!
Mario lopezCuz it looks fun.
 
Olivia wilde
 
Finishing up: I'm in agreement with those who called this one of the very best looks of the night. (Also enjoyed KateAmyJulianna, and both Emmas.) So we'll end on that. 
 
As usual, I'll conclude by asking--who/what did I miss?!

2013 Oscars Recap, Part 3

Continued from Part 1 and Part 2

So. We've done the good and the bad; time for the in-betweens.

MIXED OPINIONS

Sandra Bullock

Sandra-Bullock-Oscars2013-RC-281x399
Not bad in the full length, but can I get a zoom? For science?

Sandra-bullock-oscars-02242013-08-435x580
SAAAAANDY. The Queen of England called. She wants her diamond-encrusted Bluetooth back.

Jennifer Anniston

Anniston
She looks frozen in time, and I mean that in the good way and the bad way. Jennifer mayyyyy have accepted the Gwyneth Paltrowian deal with the devil where you can stop aging if you also arrest your personal sense of style at the same point in time. (Fortunately for Jen, she has a much more timeless sensibility than Gwyneth does.)

Reese Witherspoon

Reese witherspoon
Great hair, but meh on the dress. I think I would have preferred it without the black.

Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer lawrence
People loved this, but it just wasn't my bag. I know I'm in the minority, and I can't even really explain why I don't like it (some kind of reptilian/Flintstonian vibe I can't quite articulate), but every now and then, you disagree with one of the universal faves. This was one of those times.

Jennifer Lawrence

J law
While I'm completely losing you, I'll go ahead and throw it out there that I didn't love Jennifer's look. I know. Don't murder me. I like her. And it was a big night in a big year for J-Law. Good for her. However, neither the hair nor the dress felt spectacular to me. They weren't bad--just not my favorite look of hers. But there's no denying she was queen of the night.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: BRADLEY COOPER'S MOM

B coop and mom
Forgot to put her under best dressed, but this woman really needs her own category anyway. She's wearing SNEAKS. And that furry thing. She's to die for. 

So that's that. Your comments are, per ALWAYS AND FOREVER, welcomed.


2013 Oscars Recap, Part 2

Continued from Part 1

We've discussed the winners. Time for . . . 

THE LOSERS

Anne Hathaway

Anne hathaway
Uh, yeah, I hate Anne Hathaway, and yeah, it's just personal. Sorry. Them's the breaks. Regardless, this was a no. In her red carpet interview, Anne joked that the (backless) dress was "business in the front; party in the back." A great follow-up question would have been to ask what business emphasizes awkwardly drawing everyone's eyes to your nipples all night long/forever.

Anyway. Didn't like the color, didn't like the neckline/necklace, still don't like Anne.

Halle Berry

Halle berry

I will admit that this is the best-case scenario for what you get when you say "Beetlejuice" three times.

Helen Hunt

Reg_634.HelenHunt.mh.022413
Helen Hunt made a statement by wearing a gown from the H&M Conscious Collection. Appreciate the idea behind it, but, uh, it doesn't look good. I totally emphathize, though, because everything I have ever bought from H&M has ended up fitting improperly and wrinkling instantaneously.

Kristen Chenoweth

Kristen chenoweth
The personality of a teenager aggressively campaigning for Homecoming Queen combined with Disney villain styling. Weird that that didn't work.

This is also the first of several high buns I hated. 

Salma Hayek

Salma hayek
Here is Bun of Death #2. I know this crazy "turtleneck made out of Reese's Cup wrappers" thing doesn't leave many hair options, but the dark bun is just way too severe here.

Renee Zellweger

Renee zellweger
The dress wasn't all that bad., although it was not my cup of tea and it definitely washed her out. But I hate the hair.

Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)

Brandi glanville
OK, so a D-lister dressing badly for attention is the oldest trick in the red carpet book, but what can I say? I like low-hanging fruit. It is, at least, much better than fruit that has been awkwardly smushed upwards at a painful angle . . .

Kristen Stewart

Original
K-Stew actually ended up on a lot of best-dressed lists with this, but C'MAN. She showed up on crutches, her hair was a mess, she glowered through her turn presenting and had a huge bruise on her arm. So yeah, nice dress, but I'm over this low-energy sourpuss and it's gonna take way more than White Swan to change that.

Amanda Seyfriend

Amanda seyfried
This was a bit predictable--it echoed some of her recent looks--and the hair is approaching the preliminary Bride of Frankenstein warning zone. When you combine that with the automatic 5 point SO SICK OF LES MIS deduction I factored in, it's straight to the bottom for Ms. Seyfried.

Amy Adams

1024.amy.cm.22513
It's probably harsh to put her in Worst Dressed, but I think she's lovely and was disappointed with the blah color and last-season trend of whatever that huge, tulle-ified skirt is called.

Zoe Saldana

Zoe saldana
I like that she takes risks, but sometimes risks don't pay off. A belt that looks like it has your high school diploma tucked into it falls firmly into the category of "not paying off."

Next up: Part 3


2013 Oscars Recap, Part 1

When I say the Oscars got off to a bad start last night, I am actually just talking (Anne Hathaway style) about myself. 

(Yeah--best to just open up with my stance on the Great Anne Hathaway Debate. Do not like.) 

Anyway, I had crucially burned some popcorn on my stove immediately prior to the telecast, and as I ran through the house opening windows, turning on fans, clearing smoke, and eventually re-popping popcorn (because I'm not a QUITTER who would abandon her plan for a completely nutrition-less dinner at the first sign of a setback), I caught only snippets of the opening monologue. So for that first 15 minutes or so, I thought my questions (huh? is that William Shatner? Why is Seth McFarlane so obsessed with whether he is a bad host? Are they singing an entire song about boobs?) all had perfectly logical answers that I was just missing because I was only catching bits and pieces from the giant burnt popcorn kernel that was my kitchen.

WELL. I got my act together by 8:45 PM; the show never did. As Richard Rushfield articulates nicely here, the 2013 Oscars were odd, awkward, and tonally schizophrenic: dramatic musical numbers tied together by an ever-thinning thread of Desperate Seth McFarlane.

And that's really all I have to say about the show in general. Let's get to the winners, losers, and, the in-betweeners.

WINNERS

Charlize Theron
Charlize theron
Great dress, but Charlize's natural poise/striking hair took the look to iconic level.

Jessica Chastain
Jessica chastain
This was a great hair night* all around, and Chaz (yeah, I'm calling her Chaz, it's a thing) was best-of-the-best for me. As I tweeted at the time:

*Except for the BUNS, which we will GET TO LATER

Naomi Watts

Naomi watts

Made good on what proved to be a hit-or-miss night for metallics. The cutout is totally what January Jones wishes she was pulling off when she wears kooky stuff that doesn't quite work this well. 

Sally Field

Sally field

Sally is too cute, and I loved this. Great dress, great hair. 

Quvenzhané Wallis

Q wallis
PUPPY PURSE! I was obvs enchanted by Quvenzhané's accessory of choice; I have since learned that this is kind of her thing and she has worn different ones to each major awards show. Now you know how to make an absolutely endearing nine-year-old kid even more endearing.

Adele

Adele
Won an Oscar, worked the stage, and eschewed her usual kooky/frumpy looks in favor of something a bit more glamorous--her best award show look yet. Nitpick: don't like the hair. MUCH preferred it down during her performance.

Jennifer and Ben

Jennifer-Garner-Ben-Affleck-2013-Oscars1-675x900
Loved Jen's dress, makeup, hair, AND jewelry. My initial reaction was that she could have done more dramatic makeup, but in retrospect, this was perfect--especially considering it was Ben's night and not hers.

Speaking of which, love the beard on Director Ben. 

Kerry Washington

Kerry washington

Count me among the fans of this color/style. The metallic accent was in keeping with the trend of the night, so the coral color didn't seem too out there. Strong showing.

Up next: Part 2.


2013 Grammy Awards: YAY FOR TACKY CRAP

I'm lacking the time to put together a proper recap today, but I just can't miss the opportunity to praise some of the delightfully tacky outfits from last night's Grammy red carpet.

The past few rounds of Oscars, Globes, and Emmys have had plenty of looks both beautiful and bad, but tacky is its own, specific breed. Tacky isn't so much about wearing a bad outfit--it's about wearing a jubilantly inappropriate one. Like everyone else knew it was an awards show and you thought it was a Dress Like a Human My Little Pony Contest.

Kate pierson
Looking at you, Kate Pierson of the B-a52s. Loooooking at you.

Tacky is never lazy. Tacky takes work. Tacky means spending hours lovingly dying a Rapunzel hair extension in Kool Aid while you wait for your chainmail.com order to arrive. Tacky takes effort.

Bonnie mckee
Tacky is elusive. It reminds you of something, but offers its own spin. Tacky is John Mayer channeling Willy Wonka channeling John Mayer back again.

John-mayer-grammys-2013-red-carpet-06

Tacky is knowing everyone has heard your voice over and over again all year and giving them miles of sheerness and tulle and saying, "HERE'S EVEN MORE ME. YOU'RE WELCOME."

Kimbra
Tacky is whatever this is on whoever this is.

Whoever
Tacky is the leg slit on the shapeless dress that doesn't even look good with the hair that even looks worse, making it clear that you chose this look not because you liked the designer, but because you like your own bod more than anything that can be made out of mere fabric.

JLo
Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Tacky is sophisticated 70s Mother Nature realness served with a side of This Face, All Night, Because You're Damn Right I'm Serious.

Katy perry
Tacky is Taylor. You know I'm right.

Tay
Tacky is great. I miss tacky. Tacky will outlast the careers of all of these people. Tacky is timeless. And you can never go wrong with a classic.

P.S. Tacky is a blog post that uses the T-word 25 times. Sorry I'm not sorry.


Golden Globes 2013, cont.: The Good

(Continued from here.)

I don't have as much to say about these as I did about the bad (criticism just flows much more freely; it's one of my gifts). But for the sake of balance, here's who I liked.

KATE HUDSON 

Hudson

I love when a celeb seems to come out of nowhere looking randomly fabulous. For me, that was K-Hud last night, and she may have even been my choice for best-dressed overall. She succeeded with some of the trends where others failed (cutout, plunging gleavage, a lotta shit on yo neck) and looked generally spectacular.
JENNIFER GARNER
Garner
Every time the camera hit JG I thought she looked radiant. Photograph doesn't do this one justice (it kind of sparkled and shimmered on video and, presumably, in person), but you get the point.

TINA AND AMY
Tina-fey-amy-poehler-golden-globes-2013-red-carpet-02
Looking good and having fun. Tina's hair looked amazing, and I fully support her becoming a hair icon if she so chooses.
GLENN CLOSE

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Liked the dress; loved the hair.

 JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Jennifer-lawrence-435

This was a big night for her, and she came off as charming and funny. This dress didn't wow me, but I thought it was a solid choice.
SALMA HAYEK
Hayek
If you're gonna do a bow, this is the way to do it while still being glamorous (cough RACHEL WEISZ cough).
JESSICA ALBA
Alba
Bright and pretty. Great hair, great necklace, and a wacky, fuzzy bag to make it fun.

More of the good . . .

  • Julianne Moore: wasn't crazy about that beehive, tho
  • Amanda Seyfried: pretty
  • Sally Field: just too cute
  • Kerry Washington: stylish; if you're gonna do that sheer drop skirt thing then this is the preferred route (cough RACHEL WEISZ AGAIN cough)
  • Claire Danes: her hair continues to be great; she looks awesome in a good-but-not-even-great dress

That's all. I'm sure I missed some on both sides, and I will blame any oversights on DayQuil haze and the fact that all day I have been approximately this.