LMNOP

2013 Oscars Recap, Part 3

Continued from Part 1 and Part 2

So. We've done the good and the bad; time for the in-betweens.

MIXED OPINIONS

Sandra Bullock

Not bad in the full length, but can I get a zoom? For science?

SAAAAANDY. The Queen of England called. She wants her diamond-encrusted Bluetooth back.

Jennifer Anniston

She looks frozen in time, and I mean that in the good way and the bad way. Jennifer mayyyyy have accepted the Gwyneth Paltrowian deal with the devil where you can stop aging if you also arrest your personal sense of style at the same point in time. (Fortunately for Jen, she has a much more timeless sensibility than Gwyneth does.)

Reese Witherspoon

Great hair, but meh on the dress. I think I would have preferred it without the black.

Jennifer Hudson

People loved this, but it just wasn't my bag. I know I'm in the minority, and I can't even really explain why I don't like it (some kind of reptilian/Flintstonian vibe I can't quite articulate), but every now and then, you disagree with one of the universal faves. This was one of those times.

Jennifer Lawrence

While I'm completely losing you, I'll go ahead and throw it out there that I didn't love Jennifer's look. I know. Don't murder me. I like her. And it was a big night in a big year for J-Law. Good for her. However, neither the hair nor the dress felt spectacular to me. They weren't bad--just not my favorite look of hers. But there's no denying she was queen of the night.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: BRADLEY COOPER'S MOM

Forgot to put her under best dressed, but this woman really needs her own category anyway. She's wearing SNEAKS. And that furry thing. She's to die for. 

So that's that. Your comments are, per ALWAYS AND FOREVER, welcomed.

2013 Oscars Recap, Part 2

Continued from Part 1

We've discussed the winners. Time for . . . 

THE LOSERS

Anne Hathaway

Uh, yeah, I hate Anne Hathaway, and yeah, it's just personal. Sorry. Them's the breaks. Regardless, this was a no. In her red carpet interview, Anne joked that the (backless) dress was "business in the front; party in the back." A great follow-up question would have been to ask what business emphasizes awkwardly drawing everyone's eyes to your nipples all night long/forever.

Anyway. Didn't like the color, didn't like the neckline/necklace, still don't like Anne.

Halle Berry

I will admit that this is the best-case scenario for what you get when you say "Beetlejuice" three times.

Helen Hunt

Helen Hunt made a statement by wearing a gown from the H&M Conscious Collection. Appreciate the idea behind it, but, uh, it doesn't look good. I totally emphathize, though, because everything I have ever bought from H&M has ended up fitting improperly and wrinkling instantaneously.

Kristen Chenoweth

The personality of a teenager aggressively campaigning for Homecoming Queen combined with Disney villain styling. Weird that that didn't work.

This is also the first of several high buns I hated. 

Salma Hayek

Here is Bun of Death #2. I know this crazy "turtleneck made out of Reese's Cup wrappers" thing doesn't leave many hair options, but the dark bun is just way too severe here.

Renee Zellweger

The dress wasn't all that bad., although it was not my cup of tea and it definitely washed her out. But I hate the hair.

Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)

OK, so a D-lister dressing badly for attention is the oldest trick in the red carpet book, but what can I say? I like low-hanging fruit. It is, at least, much better than fruit that has been awkwardly smushed upwards at a painful angle . . .

Kristen Stewart

K-Stew actually ended up on a lot of best-dressed lists with this, but C'MAN. She showed up on crutches, her hair was a mess, she glowered through her turn presenting and had a huge bruise on her arm. So yeah, nice dress, but I'm over this low-energy sourpuss and it's gonna take way more than White Swan to change that.

Amanda Seyfriend

This was a bit predictable--it echoed some of her recent looks--and the hair is approaching the preliminary Bride of Frankenstein warning zone. When you combine that with the automatic 5 point SO SICK OF LES MIS deduction I factored in, it's straight to the bottom for Ms. Seyfried.

Amy Adams

It's probably harsh to put her in Worst Dressed, but I think she's lovely and was disappointed with the blah color and last-season trend of whatever that huge, tulle-ified skirt is called.

Zoe Saldana

I like that she takes risks, but sometimes risks don't pay off. A belt that looks like it has your high school diploma tucked into it falls firmly into the category of "not paying off."

Next up: Part 3

2013 Oscars Recap, Part 1

When I say the Oscars got off to a bad start last night, I am actually just talking (Anne Hathaway style) about myself. 

(Yeah--best to just open up with my stance on the Great Anne Hathaway Debate. Do not like.) 

Anyway, I had crucially burned some popcorn on my stove immediately prior to the telecast, and as I ran through the house opening windows, turning on fans, clearing smoke, and eventually re-popping popcorn (because I'm not a QUITTER who would abandon her plan for a completely nutrition-less dinner at the first sign of a setback), I caught only snippets of the opening monologue. So for that first 15 minutes or so, I thought my questions (huh? is that William Shatner? Why is Seth McFarlane so obsessed with whether he is a bad host? Are they singing an entire song about boobs?) all had perfectly logical answers that I was just missing because I was only catching bits and pieces from the giant burnt popcorn kernel that was my kitchen.

WELL. I got my act together by 8:45 PM; the show never did. As Richard Rushfield articulates nicely here, the 2013 Oscars were odd, awkward, and tonally schizophrenic: dramatic musical numbers tied together by an ever-thinning thread of Desperate Seth McFarlane.

And that's really all I have to say about the show in general. Let's get to the winners, losers, and, the in-betweeners.

WINNERS

Charlize Theron

Great dress, but Charlize's natural poise/striking hair took the look to iconic level.

Jessica Chastain

This was a great hair night* all around, and Chaz (yeah, I'm calling her Chaz, it's a thing) was best-of-the-best for me. As I tweeted at the time:

Jessica Chastain is an inspiration to all smart and classy people who look like mermaids and just wonder if they will amount to anything

(@laurenmc18) February 25, 2013

*Except for the BUNS, which we will GET TO LATER

Naomi Watts

Made good on what proved to be a hit-or-miss night for metallics. The cutout is totally what January Jones wishes she was pulling off when she wears kooky stuff that doesn't quite work this well. 

Sally Field

Sally is too cute, and I loved this. Great dress, great hair. 

Quvenzhané Wallis

PUPPY PURSE! I was obvs enchanted by Quvenzhané's accessory of choice; I have since learned that this is kind of her thing and she has worn different ones to each major awards show. Now you know how to make an absolutely endearing nine-year-old kid even more endearing.

Adele

Won an Oscar, worked the stage, and eschewed her usual kooky/frumpy looks in favor of something a bit more glamorous--her best award show look yet. Nitpick: don't like the hair. MUCH preferred it down during her performance.

Jennifer and Ben

Loved Jen's dress, makeup, hair, AND jewelry. My initial reaction was that she could have done more dramatic makeup, but in retrospect, this was perfect--especially considering it was Ben's night and not hers.

Speaking of which, love the beard on Director Ben. 

Kerry Washington

Count me among the fans of this color/style. The metallic accent was in keeping with the trend of the night, so the coral color didn't seem too out there. Strong showing.

Up next: Part 2.

2013 Grammy Awards: YAY FOR TACKY CRAP

I'm lacking the time to put together a proper recap today, but I just can't miss the opportunity to praise some of the delightfully tacky outfits from last night's Grammy red carpet.

The past few rounds of Oscars, Globes, and Emmys have had plenty of looks both beautiful and bad, but tacky is its own, specific breed. Tacky isn't so much about wearing a bad outfit--it's about wearing a jubilantly inappropriate one. Like everyone else knew it was an awards show and you thought it was a Dress Like a Human My Little Pony Contest.

Looking at you, Kate Pierson of the B-a52s. Loooooking at you.

Tacky is never lazy. Tacky takes work. Tacky means spending hours lovingly dying a Rapunzel hair extension in Kool Aid while you wait for your chainmail.com order to arrive. Tacky takes effort.

Tacky is elusive. It reminds you of something, but offers its own spin. Tacky is John Mayer channeling Willy Wonka channeling John Mayer back again.

Tacky is knowing everyone has heard your voice over and over again all year and giving them miles of sheerness and tulle and saying, "HERE'S EVEN MORE ME. YOU'RE WELCOME."

Tacky is whatever this is on whoever this is.

Tacky is the leg slit on the shapeless dress that doesn't even look good with the hair that even looks worse, making it clear that you chose this look not because you liked the designer, but because you like your own bod more than anything that can be made out of mere fabric.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Tacky is sophisticated 70s Mother Nature realness served with a side of This Face, All Night, Because You're Damn Right I'm Serious.

Tacky is Taylor. You know I'm right.

Tacky is great. I miss tacky. Tacky will outlast the careers of all of these people. Tacky is timeless. And you can never go wrong with a classic.

P.S. Tacky is a blog post that uses the T-word 25 times. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Golden Globes 2013, cont.: The Good

(Continued from here.)

I don't have as much to say about these as I did about the bad (criticism just flows much more freely; it's one of my gifts). But for the sake of balance, here's who I liked.

KATE HUDSON 

I love when a celeb seems to come out of nowhere looking randomly fabulous. For me, that was K-Hud last night, and she may have even been my choice for best-dressed overall. She succeeded with some of the trends where others failed (cutout, plunging gleavage, a lotta shit on yo neck) and looked generally spectacular.

JENNIFER GARNER

Every time the camera hit JG I thought she looked radiant. Photograph doesn't do this one justice (it kind of sparkled and shimmered on video and, presumably, in person), but you get the point.

TINA AND AMY

Looking good and having fun. Tina's hair looked amazing, and I fully support her becoming a hair icon if she so chooses.

GLENN CLOSE

Liked the dress; loved the hair.

 JENNIFER LAWRENCE

This was a big night for her, and she came off as charming and funny. This dress didn't wow me, but I thought it was a solid choice.

SALMA HAYEK

If you're gonna do a bow, this is the way to do it while still being glamorous (cough RACHEL WEISZ cough).

JESSICA ALBA

Bright and pretty. Great hair, great necklace, and a wacky, fuzzy bag to make it fun.

More of the good . . .

• Julianne Moore: wasn't crazy about that beehive, tho
• Amanda Seyfried: pretty
• Sally Field: just too cute
• Kerry Washington: stylish; if you're gonna do that sheer drop skirt thing then this is the preferred route (cough RACHEL WEISZ AGAIN cough)
• Claire Danes: her hair continues to be great; she looks awesome in a good-but-not-even-great dress

That's all. I'm sure I missed some on both sides, and I will blame any oversights on DayQuil haze and the fact that all day I have been approximately this.

Golden Globes 2013: The Good and The Bad

Last night's Golden Globes were one of my favorite awards shows in a while. The hosting was good, the speeches were largely non-boring, and there enough odd/wacky moments peppered throughout to keep it interesting. (Here is a decent top 7 on said moments.)

I've split my fashion recap into two categories: the good and the bad.* We'll start with the bad and work our way up.

THE BAD

JENNIFER LOPEZ

It says a lot about J-Lo that this is basically predictable attire for her. That being said, it doesn't quite rate as boring because it is a full-length nude bodystocking doily thing made of that super unsexy figure skater illusion material. Anyway, the prevailing commentary here was "Jennifer is basically naked," but I raise you two points: 1) she probably would have looked better naked; and 2) she certainly would have been able to move better. Watching celebs mince around uncomfortably is enough to kill even the best look, so it so it certainly doesn't do any favors for a bad one.

RACHEL WEISZ

Tip: if you're on James Bond's arm then the bottom of your dress shouldn't remind me of a beekeeper. I mean, hell, if you're on anyone's arm (except a guy in a bee costume), then this rule applies. Also, polka dots always look twee/informal to me and bows frequently do, so overall this was Budget Marion Cotillard at best and Rachel needn't settle for that.

LENA DUNHAM

I like Lena and do not count myself among the Girls haters; however, heavy folds of fabric in a blah color--not my fave. Sadly, Lena also had a bad case of I-Can't-Move-In-This-Itis. During her two excruciating trips to the stage I watched this dress pull her down like it was quicksand as she hobbled forth on what appears to have been a very nonfunctional shoe choice. The entire telecast seemed to come to a screeching halt as the world prepared itself for a faceplant.

TAYLOR SWIFT

Boring dress that looks like off-the-rack prom attire paired with ultra-severe hair and makeup: not the most approachable look I've seen on Tay Swift. I don't want to hate on this young lady, but . . . ohhhhh. I guess I do.

KALEY CUOCO

All my criticisms of this outfit shall be rescinded if, in three months' time, it is revealed that the verymethod Ms. Cuoco was just selected for the titular role(s) in an Olsen twin biopic.

ADELE

Adele had one of the best speeches of the night--quick, funny, unpretentious--but her award show wardrobe is just one heavy, black dress after another. For someone who seems to have a much lighter side than her earlier work would have us expect, her wardrobe is consistenly bleak. Let's see some color and maybe even some skin at some point, plz?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

She seems great, and I love her hair and makeup, but this dress was perhaps the most awkwardly-fitting choice of the night.

SIENA MILLER

Soooooo. Siena here just played Tippi Hendren in The Girl and I suppose this is a nod to '60s style, but here's a thought: if that's what you're going for, why not do one of the five million more glamorous '60s looks available than 'fat lady housedress?'

More of the bad . . .

• Eva Longoria: overwrought; also, choose either the slit or the cleavage, not both (Em pointed this one out and I agree)
• Halle Berry: just a casual "what the hell" and let's move on
• Emily Mortimer: baked potato, chainmail, Tin Man, etc.
• Alyssa Milano: more like Mila-NOooooooooo, amirite? high five

Next up: The Good

*Confession: Originally I was going to do a third category, The Boring, but (shockingly!) I got bored.

Thanksgiving Morning Pancake Breakfast: The Pilgrim

Were you aware that they make tiny little Pilgrim hats? Because Pancake is now aware. Painfully aware.

Let's Talk Panda

Against, considerable odds, there is a new baby panda cub in DC as of last night. Per WaPo:

The National Zoo’s female giant panda gave birth to a cub Sunday night, stunning and delighting zoo officials and sparking a new wave of panda mania in Washington seven years after the zoo’s only other cub was born in 2005.

The cub was born at 10:46 p.m. to Mei Xiang, the zoo said, and curator Becky Malinsky happened to be watching the 24-hour-a-day panda camera feed and heard the first squealing of the newborn.

Mei Xiang is just as suprised as you are.

In celebration/appreciation, a few panda links are most certainly in order. First off, here is some previous LMNOPanda coverage:

• Try Getting THESE Guys to Breed (featuring binder clip pandas)
• He Also Hates Ice Cream, Pizza, and Warm Woolen Mittens (on that guy who claims pandas should be allowed to go extinct)

Elsewhere:

• The zoo's footage of the birth. Don't get too excited; it's mostly just Mei Xiang kind of shifting around in her nest. Panda birth is apparently shrouded in as much mystery as panda pregnancy.
• Washingtonian's roundup of YouTube's best panda vids. Many classics here.
• National Zoo PandaCam. (Word to the un-wise, like me: it took me way too embarrassingly long to figure out that you have to X out the newsletter subscription box to see the cam. Telling you so you can get your panda fix faster than I did.)

P.S.: The giant panda cub's birth came just one day after International Red Panda Day, meaning the butter-stick sized baby already has at least one epic upstage under his belt.

BERETKING NEWS: US Announces 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony Outfits

Last night I tweeted this pic of the newly-announced US 2012 Summer Olympic Opening Ceremony outfits by Ralph Lauren:

Since several fellow Olympic enthusiasts/ankle sock non-enthusiasts tweeted me back immediately with comments on its ability to somehow be both dictator AND flight attendant in inspiration, I am following up with a bit more info/some thoughts.

Let's go with the "bulleted list in no particular order" method:

• Minus the berets, I have no real problems with the guy outfit. It's preppy and patriotic and very Ralph Lauren. I'm not sure there's a lonnnnng list of real-life situations to wear white pants and white shoes, but it's the Olympics, people. Go big or go home.
• Speaking of "very Ralph Lauren," I'm pretty sure the RL logo on the blazer is bigger than the USA insignia. Good thinking, guys: remind the other countries about capitalism.
• Classy tie.
• The girl outfits. Oy, the girl outfits. That skirt is just wrong. Worn with a blazer and at that length, it has has to be a pencil style to be even remotely flattering, but that's all a moot point if it still ends in ANKLE SOCKS. What was the mentality there? "Let's pick something juvenile that also makes the leg look horrendously fat. Yep, there we go. Ankle sock. Boom."
• Scarf is jaunty, patriotic and totally approp. No complaints there.
• OK. 
• I'm ready.
• To talk.
• About.
• THE BERET. 
• Berets are considered the wheelhouse of a scant number of populations, to include "military/police/dictator" and "stereotyped French caricature." I have to assume we aren't going for any of those inspirations, so the only logical conclusion is that these are supposed to look good. This Slate piece does a good enough job of explaining why that is not the case, so you can rely on that or just, you know, YOUR EYEBALLS to understand why the beret is not super attractive. All I can add is that if I had trained my entire life to represent the absolute pinnacle of success in my chosen athletic field and was then handed a BERET to wear in front of the entire watching world mere days before the biggest competitive moment of my life, I'd be pretty fired up. And maybe that, folks, is the Ralph Lauren endgame: fueled by beret rage (aka "berage"), our US Olympians will experience heretofore-unknown amounts of adrenaline and rocket to the top of the podium faster than you can say "oops, I misplaced my hat. Bummer." You heard it hear first, people: expect record-setting numbers of gold medals this year.

Ralph Lauren is actually selling an Olympic collection featuring pieces of these outfits. So FYI, ladies: you can get the blazer for $598, the shirt for $198, the skirt for $498, shoes for $165, scarf for $58 and the beret at a comparative steal for $55.

So if you're a huge Olympics fan and have an extra $1,572 lying around, know what you should do?

YOU SHOULD GO TO THE OLYMPICS.

AND NOT BUY THIS OUTFIT.

In conclusion: still love the Olympics. Still love America. Still hate berets and ankle socks. World: keep turning.

Epilogue: I WISH I HADN'T SEEN THIS

 

World's Ugliest Dog Competition Continues to Prove that I am Incapable of Thinking Dogs Aren't Cute

Like the Oscars, Grammys, or a BOGO sale on Triscuits, the annual World's Ugliest Dog competition is one of those things I consider to be this blog's journalistic wheelhouse. So when I saw this picture of the 2012 winner, Mugly, I GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD.

Soooo . . . THIS GUY. First off, Mugly is a great name. The British/Union Jack theme is first class and, with the coming London Olympics, extremely timely. I think what really wins me over in this pic is his ramrod posture and stoic facial expression. He's a little soldier of ugly. And this fight is totes worth fighting.

Here is a shot of the little guy's amazing facial hair. We call this style 'the broken tennis racket:'

Overall, on my comprehensive ranking of ugly dogs, I would probably put him between Nana and Rascal.

Here are a few pics of some of Mugly's competition:

1. This is clearly just a human t-shirt withan extra hole cut in the middle.
2. My dog and my roommate's dog have NO idea of the consequences of me seeing this picture. But they will. Soon.

I would believe you if you told me those sausage links were actually coming out of this dog as yet another of his deformities. (P.S.: Yes, eagle eye, that is former winner RASCAL)

This dog was confused and thought it was an Adrien Brody lookalike contest. 

Well, I happen to think this lil guy is adorable. Which makes him a TERRIBLE COMPETITOR! 

Grovie the pug has seen some things. Like a mirror. (JK he's adorableeee)

There are more pics here and after looking at them, "attend World's Ugliest Dog Competition" is now Sharpied onto my list of things to do in life.