Here's a show idea VH1 somehow missed. Don't ask me how that happened; maybe Michael Ian Black, Mo Rocca, and the other commentators simply drew the line at associating themselves with this useless decade. I can't blame them, because, as this hate-rospective explains, I too hate the '50s. I hate:
Goddddd, do I ever I hate oldies music. I have hated it since I was very young, and was tempted to start a letter-writing campaign to get Oldies music taken off the air, but I didn't, for one reason: I wanted the Oldies stations to be around when I was old myself so I could listen to cool music from the '80s and '90s. It was my assumption that Oldies music would grow along with the population, and with each decade that passed we would transition the music on our Oldies stations forward a decade. Well, this doesn't seem to be happening, and all available evidence points to the fact that "Oldies music" really means "'50s music" and, unfortunately, that's not going to change.
Diners are horrible. I hate them. One obvious reason is that they are always playing Oldies music, but I assure you there is much more to it. The food at diners is disgusting, and the waiters' uniforms are always extremely unflattering because, in a bid for '50s authenticity, they are usually made from stiff and nasty fabric. Furthermore, diners are closely linked to old-car enthusiasts, which are truly an abhorrent segment of the population. Cars in the '50s looked like crap. Additionally, such reprehensible details as jukeboxes, boomerang-print countertops, shiny vinyl seat covering, and outdated terminology like 'malts' are all promoted by diners. Any enjoyment I could potentially be getting from my pancakes (and there was already a slim chance of that) is completely ruined by the sorrow I feel for anyone who has ever had to eat in a diner, or, God forbid, work in one.
The Old Concept of the Future
I mean, every generation has their own lame and wrong and impossibly naive idea of what the future's going to be like, but no era has so furiously attempted to immortalize their dumb idea since the '50s did with their ugly design phase. So stupid. I never knew there was actually a name for the type of '50s design that I hate so much, though, until today when I was "researching" this post ( i.e. taking the first Google result for each of my half-assed searches as the absolute, Gospel truth.) Apparently this type of shit is called Googie architecture:
"Googie has also been known as Populuxe, Doo-Wop, Coffee Shop Modern, Jet Age, Space Age and Chinese Modern. In some cases it has been grouped with its cousin, Tiki architecture. It is also sometimes identified as part of a larger overall movement of space-age industrial design. Googie often seems like a joint design by the Jetsons and the Flintstones." (Taken from the site linked above.)
Yeah. That stuff is crap.
This is closely linked with the Googie hatred mentioned above, but the two are not synonymous. Although part of the reason I hate refrigerators, TVs, phones, microwaves, and other appliances and equipment from the '50s is their annoying, pathetically wannabe-futuristic look, I have a larger issue with their hideousness and clunkiness in general. The combination of the outrageously ugly '50s aesthetic, along with the inherent ungainliness of anything that is one of the first models of a particular invention, results in the eyesore to end all eyesores. I find it hard to believe that anyone could have ever thought an avocado-colored refrigerator was cool, but then again, this was not a normal decade.
Black and White
Lord. I cannot stand watching things in black and white. Although I do appreciate black and white photography, I am absolutely incapable of watching a movie or TV show that is not in color. NOT INTERESTING. It might be different if the shows weren't intolerably dull and cloying and bland to begin with, but we will never know, because the televised offerings of the 1950s are limited mainly to the stale-ass crap that is Lassie and Mr. Ed. Unacceptable.
Well, that's the majority of what really irritates me about the '50s. There are defintely more topics--like Elvis and the Cold War--that I believe also merit our unadulterated vitriol, but we'll have to save those for another day.