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19 posts from July 2006

This Just In: You Get What You Pay For!

First, just letting you know that the saga of the poor internet connection at my parents' house continues.  However, I move into my new apartment on Tuesday so I will have no excuse not to resume my regular posting schedule at that point (or as soon as my own internet connection is set up). 

So, a few months ago I was bored and browsing the Internet on my phone and I signed up to have Sprint's free joke of the day text messaged to my phone.  And yes, it really is free, it's not one of those Jamster things that charge you $.99/day.  "Standard messaging fees" do apply, of course, but I get 500 text messages a month included in my plan so I'm not paying any extra for this service.

And THANK GOD FOR THAT.  These jokes are horrible.  Every day around 8:15 a.m., another shitty joke is sent to my phone for me to read and be amazed at.  Like, these jokes aren't just not funny or not clever.  They're--well, read today's:

Joe, how did you hurt your foot?
I hurt it from soccer
I didn't know you played soccer!
I don't but kicked the wall when France lost the World Cu

OK, this joke is awful.  First of all, it appears to have been typed by a five-year-old child.  (World Cu?)  Secondly, I get the point of the joke, but who would say such an awkwardly-worded sentence as "I hurt it from soccer?"  A joke isn't really good if you had to use stilted speech to make it work.

When I first realized how bad these jokes were, I realized I should probably go and cancel the service.  But I forgot how to get back to the site where I ordered them, and now I kind of want to keep getting them just to see how unbelievably awful they are.

Some other gems in my recent text messaging history:

What is the most important lesson to learn in chemistry class?
Never lick the spoon or sip the beaker!

Come on.  Not even a scientist (paging Sean Sheffler-Collins) would think that was funny, and they love jokes about themselves!

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

What? Violins have strings attached to them before you start playing the "sweet music" as well.  This makes no sense. 

What do you call a fear of bouncy, jubilant people?

Ooh, making fun of Starbucks--that's creative.  If it were 1998.

As you can see, these jokes aren't even the kind of "so-bad-they're-good" fare that is occasionally entertaining.  These are straight up bad in the kind of way that makes me  wonder if they are generated by an old Russian computer or that guy who writes Garfield. 

Whatever.  Click to continue if you want some behind-the-scenes action.

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I Hope You Didn't Think This Was a PT Cruiser Fan Blog

It used to be that when you saw an ugly car, it was ugly because it was old, beat up, or had been in an accident.  Nowadays though, more and more car manufacturers are cutting to the chase and just making hideous cars.  I see two possible reasons for this:

1. Worn down after decades of making cars only to see people abuse them and let them get dirty and busted, fatalistic auto designers are consciously exacting revenge on us by designing shit-mobiles; or,
2. People have darn bad taste.

I guess the reason doesn't really matter though--what matters is that these cars are everywhere, and they look ridiculous driving down the road.  In today's post, I will use a familiar format to introduce you to my least favorite cars and suggest surroundings that I think might be more appropriate for them.

Scion xB

Scionxb1_1For its part, this car's website does acknowledge that it's not a traditionally beautiful car: "Let's be real - you're either an xB person, or you're not. There's nothing else quite like it on the road and we take pride in knowing that."  However, they seem to be implying that the xB is charming and unconventionally pretty, like Sarah Jessica Parker; what they need to realize that it is extremely unattractive, like Gilbert Gottfried.  Also, their statement that "there's nothing else quite like it on the road" is a blatant lie, because this car is essentially a paddy wagon, and those have been around for years.  Note how seamlessly the xB blends into the following scene:


I just hope the interior doesn't look like this:


PT Cruiser
Cruiser1 The PT Cruiser has been out for a few years now, but every time I see it I still shudder like it's the first time.  I don't know whose idea it was to combine cartoonish colors and accents with the stylings of a 1930s gangster car ("I want to design a car for that person out there saying, 'I'm playful, but I'll shoot you with a tommy gun if I have to--where's my car?'"), but I hope that person ends up in jail.
PT Cruisers seem to be perfect for someone who is sort of lame and misguidedly thinks that this car will seem cool.  Like, I can definitely see Charlie Brown driving one to Lucy's house and being like, "Hey, wanna go for a ride in my new car?" and then Lucy being like, "No way, loser!"


Sorry, Charlie. 

Dodge Magnum
Magnum1 This little beaut is slick and spacious, seating five passengers--or one coffin.  The first time one of these passed me on the highway, I honestly slowed down so the rest of the funeral procession could get by.  The only excuse I can think of for why this car exists is that maybe nobody in the entire Dodge company has ever had anyone close to them die, and as a result none of them are familiar with the concept of hearses, so when someone sketched this car out--even though it looks EXACTLY like a hearse--it didn't occur to anyone to object.


I mean, seriously.  All this thing needs is those creepy little curtains on the windows, and it's good to go.  And by "good to go," I mean, "good to transport dead bodies."

Mini Cooper
Minicooper1 The Mini Cooper is Big Ugly.  I think they were trying to design a car that would be compact and fun and zippy, but instead it just looks dinky and toy-like and fruity.  In fact, I could kind of picture it as part of a ride at a theme park:


Except you know what?  I think I would feel safer (and definitely cooler) in a ramshackle metal cart.

Nothing Tugs At the Heartstrings Like the Plaintive Bleating of a Sheltered Suburban Kid

OK, I understand the concept of paying rent.  Loathe though I am to part with several hundred dollars a month of my hard-earned money, I can comprehend the fact that there is a price to be paid for living independently in the area of one's choosing.  It makes rational sense.  But I spend the majority of my life operating on a plane that is far removed from rational, so in the end, paying money for things such as shelter, water, electricity and other basic comforts only strikes me as unfair.

Perhaps you are thinking I am extremely selfish for complaining about the fact that for more than 23 years I have been able to take food, shelter, and utilities for granted; well, I happen to think that you take for granted the fact that you are here, on my piece of the internet, reading the blog that I have specifically created to insulate myself from your extraneous and unwanted opinions.  And if that doesn't convince you to feel more sympathetic, then maybe the following graph will help you understand the plight of someone who is forced to summarily take responsibility for her own well-being, existence and entertainment when, prior to now, she has only really had to stretch her means to accomodate the occasional Kit Kat bar.


Now, if the sight of my financial obligations all stacked up like oddly-shaped pieces in the lightning round of some sick Tetris game has not earned me your sympathy, then I'm sorry to hear that your heart is made of stone.  But for those of you who share in my misery--or at least understand it--I thank you for your kindness and want you to know that you are always welcome in my (furnitureless) home.

This Just In: In the Crazy and Mystical World of Celebrities, Having Kids is More Fun Than Being Cheated On!

BasicemotionsI do love how displays its five most popular stories in the sidebar, but I am slightly disappointed that two of the most thrilling stories in entertainment right now are just articulations of basic human emotions.  I mean, maybe it would be news if Brad Pitt issued a statement saying, "Having kids sucks ass, and I'm looking for a way to back out of it," or if Christie Brinkley annouced that "Being cheated on by my husband was actually more fun than a roller coaster!"  But instead, my appetite for gossip and glamour is supposed to be sated by news that [insert celeb here] feels [insert perfectly reasonable emotion here] about [insert life milestone here]?  Yeah.  That's not gonna cut it.

LMNOP Am I Forgiven (What Does That Mean?!)

Since SiteMeter keeps track of the search keywords on engines like Google and Yahoo that have led people to my blog, I have come to realize that there are five main types of people who come to LMNOP.  They are:

Stalkers. Judging from the amount of people who have found my blog via Google searches for the names of my friends, there are a significant number of stalkers out there.  In fact, virtually all of my regular readers have at least one stalker, so take that information for whatever it's worth to you.

Nickelodeon Fans. These are the people searching for Jodie Sweetin, Lark Voorhies, Salute Your Shorts, and the like.  And there are a lot of these people.

Random Visitors.  These people have been searching for some truly random things.  I only hope I have helped them connect to what they are looking for.  Here are some favorite search terms, quoted verbatim (bonus: you can test your LMNOP knowledge by trying to guess what particular posts these keywords lead to.):
lmnop am i forgiven  
put in my contacts blind pic
"allergic to chihuahuas"
lmnop kids clothes
double blade windshield wipers
funny pictures of physical therapists
lmnop "pee" series
crustacean scientist
does lark voorhies wanna have kids
is there anyone that can pass better than pistol pete maravich?
fat people
walking the dog yo

Perverts.  Due to the magic of out-of-context phrasing and the mysterious nature of search algorithms, the following search terms will in fact lead you to LMNOP.  And yes, that does make me feel slightly yucky:
dakota fanning is in some photos necked
photos of 15 year old butts
picture of child molester found working at salem fair
sorority girls

Ironic Visitors.  The people who used these search terms were probably doing research of some sort, but were instead led to my decidedly not helpful words on the subjects in question.  I can just imagine the scenario in which some beleaguered social worker Googled "on being a 'social worker' poem" for, like, her co-worker's retirement party and came across Michelle's depressing verse.  Or the child searching for biographical information of Cornelius Swartout, who invented the waffle iron, and then being really confused as to whether or not Matt Brown's Waffle Day recap was fact or not.  More:
chinese adoption
on being a "social worker" poem
cornelius swartout
art education

LMNOP Doesn't Give a Shit About Tom Cruise's Baby

I'm conflicted.  I hate Tom Cruise, but I love the way his hiding baby Suri has turned the tabloid press into an even crazier bunch of lunatics foaming even more intensely at the mouth than usual.  They are just desperate to see that child, and as a result their coverage of its (lack of) existence is getting even more irrational than, well, Scientology.

First, there was the speculation about the birth certificate, which TMZ breathlessly presented as the definitive evidence that there might sort of still be some things about that baby that are not quite totally sketchy except when you take them into consideration with the 900 other sort of weird circumstances that have surrounded her birth, in which case don't you think we're on to something here?

Then there was the Suri Stroller Sighting, today, complete with pictures that would be scoffed at even by those who believe in the Loch Ness monster.  And at some point in the near-recent past, the US Weekly website unveiled an up-to-the-second countdown of the time elapsed since Suri's birth, seemingly as a not-so-subtle suggestion to Cruise and Holmes that the press will not be retreating from this story until the alien baby makes its debut in the papers.

I'd like to commend all involved parties for their excellent work in creating this ridiculous sensation, and voice my hope that this will all come to its natural conclusion: Cruise will stubbornly refuse to ever let the alleged baby out of the house, even when she is an adult, and US Weekly will retaliate every week until 2096 with stories accusing Cruise of making the whole thing up and, while they're at it, being kind of gay.

You don't give a damn about baby Suri.  Neither do I.  But you care about your own baby.  If you're in the market for baby gifts, then why not think of soft soled baby shoes?  Baby Suri is plenty comfortable, why shouldn't your baby be comfortable too?

Bottom of the Fifth


Pictured here are six members of my softball team Bottom of the Fifth.  Our name proved truly apt last Tuesday when we were down 4-1 and rallied to tie the game in, well, the bottom of the fifth inning.  Our name is also a clever reference to drinking large amounts of alcohol, which is another skill of ours.  With one win and one tie, we are undefeated so far this softball season.  Even more amazingly, we went undefeated in approximately 10 rounds of flipcup against other teams last week at the postgame happy hour.

A couple of pics here, and more sure to come.  Perhaps next week I will photograph our game too, instead of just the drinking part.

Four, Five, Six Times the Weemer

Untitled20_1My blogging schedule has been spotty this week due to a troublesome Internet connection, but I'm sure you were able to occupy yourself--perhaps by bidding on the four prophecies of Jesus on eBay

Now, a treat: for those of you who have been missing LMNOP spokesperson Cathy Addison-Weemer, today is your lucky day--I have some divine revelations of my own to share!  Much remains unknown about the elusive Cathy A-W, who is rarely seen in public.  Today, though, I am pleased to unveil five never-before-seen photos of everyone's favorite lawyer/triathlete.  By now, we're all familiar with the file photo at right.  When you click to continue reading the rest of this article, though, you will get to see five completely new photos--enjoy!

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