I Hope You Didn't Think This Was a PT Cruiser Fan Blog

It used to be that when you saw an ugly car, it was ugly because it was old, beat up, or had been in an accident.  Nowadays though, more and more car manufacturers are cutting to the chase and just making hideous cars.  I see two possible reasons for this:

1. Worn down after decades of making cars only to see people abuse them and let them get dirty and busted, fatalistic auto designers are consciously exacting revenge on us by designing shit-mobiles; or,
2. People have darn bad taste.

I guess the reason doesn't really matter though--what matters is that these cars are everywhere, and they look ridiculous driving down the road.  In today's post, I will use a familiar format to introduce you to my least favorite cars and suggest surroundings that I think might be more appropriate for them.

Scion xB

For its part, this car's website does acknowledge that it's not a traditionally beautiful car: "Let's be real - you're either an xB person, or you're not. There's nothing else quite like it on the road and we take pride in knowing that."  However, they seem to be implying that the xB is charming and unconventionally pretty, like Sarah Jessica Parker; what they need to realize that it is extremely unattractive, like Gilbert Gottfried.  Also, their statement that "there's nothing else quite like it on the road" is a blatant lie, because this car is essentially a paddy wagon, and those have been around for years.  Note how seamlessly the xB blends into the following scene:

I just hope the interior doesn't look like this:

PT Cruiser
The PT Cruiser has been out for a few years now, but every time I see it I still shudder like it's the first time.  I don't know whose idea it was to combine cartoonish colors and accents with the stylings of a 1930s gangster car ("I want to design a car for that person out there saying, 'I'm playful, but I'll shoot you with a tommy gun if I have to--where's my car?'"), but I hope that person ends up in jail.
PT Cruisers seem to be perfect for someone who is sort of lame and misguidedly thinks that this car will seem cool.  Like, I can definitely see Charlie Brown driving one to Lucy's house and being like, "Hey, wanna go for a ride in my new car?" and then Lucy being like, "No way, loser!"

Sorry, Charlie. 

Dodge Magnum
This little beaut is slick and spacious, seating five passengers--or one coffin.  The first time one of these passed me on the highway, I honestly slowed down so the rest of the funeral procession could get by.  The only excuse I can think of for why this car exists is that maybe nobody in the entire Dodge company has ever had anyone close to them die, and as a result none of them are familiar with the concept of hearses, so when someone sketched this car out--even though it looks EXACTLY like a hearse--it didn't occur to anyone to object.

I mean, seriously.  All this thing needs is those creepy little curtains on the windows, and it's good to go.  And by "good to go," I mean, "good to transport dead bodies."

Mini Cooper
The Mini Cooper is Big Ugly.  I think they were trying to design a car that would be compact and fun and zippy, but instead it just looks dinky and toy-like and fruity.  In fact, I could kind of picture it as part of a ride at a theme park:

Except you know what?  I think I would feel safer (and definitely cooler) in a ramshackle metal cart.

Comments

[kelly]

god its SO TRUE espesh the part about the magnums

[kelly]

oh and is that the roller coaster at six flags ? you know, the one that gave you an asthma attack?

[Caitlar]

I totally agree about the Magnum. And the funny thing is, I used to think the PT Cruiser was hearsish until I saw the newest Dodge design. And the Magnum is one of those cars that I like to compare to a mullet: nice from the front, wtf from the back. Ryan and I were walking out of 7-11 the other day and one had just pulled up. Ryan said "Wow, that's a nice car." And I looked at him funny, cause I knew what it was and just said "Um look at the back." He immediately retracted his previous statement. And it was even non-funereal white!

[Gregory O.]

I wish I owned an xB :-(

[emily]

good post, but i'm looking forward to something on lance bass being gay. thank you that is all

[Igmar Fillipé]

The Italian Job Turbo Coaster is at King's Dominion. It does look like the lamest ride in the park. http://www3.paramountparks.com/kingsdominion/attractions/detail.cfm?ai_id=235

[doug]

just pointing out, that your title "i hope you didn't think this was a pt cruiser fan blog" has resulted in this page being the ONLY google search result for
"pt cruiser fan blog"

[Peter]

I was with you up to the Mini. But then, my poor dear child, I just had to make due with feeling sorry for you. You must be exactly the kind of person Detroit has in mind when they design most of their cars.

[Janet]

The other day I had just pulled into a parking space at the library and was startled to see an elderly lady get out of the PT Cruiser next to me. I wondered if she was being nostalgic. I think the Scion is the ugliest vehicle on the planet. Would you drive it if you won it in a contest?

I wanted t0 buy a pt but d0 y0u want t0 be like every 0ne blind t0 the fact

Someone turned a magnum into a hears but they had to stretch it to fit the coffin, it's rear is nice, you just have to have a dual 5" exhaust, de badge it and remove the rear wiper (it's for decoration) then it looks stunning!!!