One More Old Textbook You Can Burn

Quick!  Do you know the State Drink of Maryland?  The State Team Sport?  State Gem?

Chances are you have no idea, even if you are one of those lame people who usually know that kind of thing.  I only know because I happened to be perusing the Maryland website today and discovered this info on the Kids' Page. Apparently, the state of Maryland named its official drink (milk), team sport (lacrosse), and state gem (the Patuxent River Stone) in October 2004, which was long after we were required to learn our State Whatevers in fourth grade.  I have numerous problems with this.

First, does anyone remember this happening?  Were we consulted?  I feel like it should go without saying that whenever the state government (or whoever decides this shit) wants to formally exalt milk and lacrosse to new heights of greatness, they need to at least have some kind of town hall meeting where we can air our grievances.  (What grievances?  How about "Milk sucks," "Lacrosse is for douchebags," and "What the hell is the Patuxent River Stone," for starters?)

Second, is this how it's going to be from now on--me feeling older and older as the days go by and my elementary school education is rendered obsolete?  Since I completed my schooling, there has been one change after another: planetary upheaval, dinosaur debunk-ification, and a state mascot revolution--and this is only the stuff I happened to find out about!  It's making me downright paranoid.  Do fractions exist anymore?  Are there still 50 states?  How can I be sure if I'm relying on 15-year-old information?  I'm starting to think I need to pull a Billy Madison in order to stay current.

Third, let's revisit the selections of milk, lacrosse, and PRS.  I'm particularly offended by lacrosse, because we already had a state sport in the first place, and it was the sweetest state sport in the nation (I'm talkin' about jousting, people, and if you don't believe me, look it up.)  At first I thought maybe the nomination of a State Team Sport was made by some person or committee who thought that jousting was too outdated and we needed something more hip, but since they couldn't change it they just invented a new sister category.  But that is patently not true for two reasons:

1.) Apparently, jousting wasn't made the official State Sport until 1962. That kind of blows my mind because I always figured that was decided, like, centuries ago, but that's not the point.  The point is that 1962 is recent enough that jousting was old-fashioned even then, so clearly they must have debated whether or not to go with something old-timey or new-timey and then settled on jousting for (presumably) some solid reasons.  So the only reason to pick a team sport would be because lacrosse has become that important to Maryland in the past four decades and we just needed to honor it; except . . .

2.) Um, lacrosse isn't that sweet. 

As for milk, I get that Maryland is proud of its agriculture and stuff, but come on, milk is not really that special.  The point of having a State Drink, I would argue, is to showcase some quirky beverage with special significance to your state alone.  According to this website, though, most states are failing miserably here.  Apparently 18 states had the oh-so-creative idea to make milk their state drink.  Incidentally, only six states have chosen beverages that I consider acceptable:

Alabama: Conecuh Ridge Alabama Fine Whiskey
Maine: Moxie (not that I know what it is, but I'm sure it has, er, moxie)
Florida: Orange juice (if anyone should get dibs on OJ, it's them)
Massachusetts: Cranberry juice
Nebraska: Kool-Aid (I hope there is an awesome story behind this)
South Carolina: South Carolina Grown Tea

And let's not even get into the fact that I am lactose intolerant.  Where's my state beverage?  Who's looking out for my thirst?

I'm going to allow the State Gem because, after reading the Wikipedia entry on it, I decided it's sort of legit.  It's unique and state-specific, even if it is a rock.  But that doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that I may as well have skipped fourth grade, for all the good it's doing me now.

Anyway, since this is all set in stone, I'm not going to try and change it.  I might, however, print some updated novelty T-shirts.

Comments

[Adam]

I'm glad to see you cleaned up the sloppy grammar from the beta version of this post.

[Thomas]

Jousting is STILL the Official State Sport. The state's Official TEAM Sport is Lacrosse.

[Lauren]

Haha yes, Adam, and I'm glad to see you noticed.

[MB]

I could have sworn the state drink of MD was the Black Eyed Susan.

[This is interesting]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LMNOP

[Lauren]

Wow, that book looks weird.