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27 posts from November 2006

This Week In Internet: Hedberg, Urkel, and a 12-Year-Old Bartender

"This Week In Internet" is early (again) this week because a) I've already accumulated a crapload of links this week; and b) I have something else to post about tomorrow.  Hope your clicking finger can handle the early onslaught.

This week's theme: "Things That Make You Go . . ."

". . . Awww"

  • The Mitch Hedberg Random Quote Generator. It's neat because it combines his classic jokes with some things that presumably came from live shows, so even the most hardcore Mitch fan will probably find something new.  The first one I got, for example, was " I'm gonna take the money I make for this gig and buy a Dr. Pepper beltbuckle." (via Fimoculous)
  • A tiny horse! (via Fark)

". . . Huh?"

". . .This Will Change the Way I Approach Every Decision in My Life!"

". . . That Was Sort of Neat"

". . . That Didn't Fit the Other Categories"

  • A lot of blogs picked up on this NYT piece talking about how people sign their e-mails.  I used to agonize over this but now I end all work e-mails with "Thanks," and all personal e-mails with just a "-Lauren."  Apparently the latter is a little bit abrupt for the manners expert quoted in the article, but I can deal with that.  Anyway, I enjoyed reading some of the comment threads related to this to see other people's takes.  The Lifehacker one in particular was interesting.
  • Was Colonel Sanders a real colonel? (Ask Yahoo)
  •   This is totally a copy off of something some blog did earlier this year, but I can't find the link.  Anyway, this topic always makes me laugh.  I'm just waiting for the day Cathy Addison-Weemer shows up on a Valtrex poster. (via Gawker)
  •  FYI, Jaleel White is 30.  (Entertainment Weekly)
  • Project Runway without Tim Gunn?  They wouldn't! ( Entertainment Weekly)

Hot Starlet Trend: Illiteracy

In our superficial society, we all too often criticize young starlets' bodies, eating habits, and outfit choices.  Today, however, we have the opportunity to go a little deeper and criticize them based on their writing skills.  That's because recently, the blogosphere has been treated to writing samples from Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Nicole Richie.  (For background on how each of the respective writing samples emerged, click on the links I have provided further down.)

Since grammar and celebrities are my two main fixations, I feel it is only appropriate that I report on whenever these two worlds collide.  Please read on to find out which celebrity signs her communications, "BE ADEQUITE," which one definitely reads Cliff's Notes, and which one I have crowned Top Starlet Writer.

SAMPLE #1: Lindsay Lohan's tribute to Robert Altman
EXCERPT: "So every day when you wake up.  Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments."

"Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come."

"Thank You,
BE ADEQUITE,
Lindsay Lohan"

COMMENTS: Lindsay, this is downright insane.  Frankly, I am shocked that this is the work of a native English speaker.  It's like you took a normal apology letter, used an online program to translate it from English to Japanese and back, and then went through and added in some extra grammatical errors.

Miss Lohan, if writing skills were borne of Red Bull and anorexia rumors, you would be the next great American writer.  Instead, you are below average even relative to Nicole Richie and Britney Spears, who aren't exactly luminaries.  Maybe someday, with lots of hard work, you will be "adequite," but don't hold your breath.
GRADE: F

SAMPLE #2:
Britney Spears' paper on Antigone, a treasure from her school days that Christie's is auctioning off
EXCERPT: "Antigone is about a girl who looses her brother during a war.  She wants to bury them, but the new king, Creon, will not allow it, and who shall ever do so shall be killed.  Antigone wants her brother buried, because she wants him to able to be in the heaven of ghost.  So she goes out and buris him."
COMMENTS: Britney, it is clear that you read the book, or at least a summary of it, because you seem to have copied the phrase "who shall ever do so shall be killed" from somewhere else.  I can tell this was copied because that is the only place in your review where you correctly string together eight words without a single error in spelling, grammar, or punctuation.  Aside from that brief oasis, though, your composition is riddled with misspellings, pronoun confusion, excess commas, and other problems too numerous to mention.
GRADE: I'm going easy on you because you were young when you wrote this.  C for you, and F- for the Louisiana public school system.

SAMPLE #3: Nicole Richie's MySpace rant against Rachel Zoe
EXCERPT: "BLIND ITEM: What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup..."
COMMENTS: Very strong piece, Nicole.  Minor spelling and grammar issues are present, but they do not seriously disrupt the content.  I also like the powerful descriptions you used, like "raisin face" and "deathly disorder."  Most of all though, I am impressed with your ability to mimic the blind item style in a way that is humorous, scathing, and pitch-perfect.  You must really be a bitch.
GRADE: Two very bony thumbs up. A+

Ultimately, of course, the joke is on us, because we will work our entire lives to try and obtain a fraction of the money these women have already made.  Still, though--"BE ADEQUITE?!"  For just a moment, I will allow myself to feel superior.  Then I will go back to using my disposable income to fuel the celeb-obsessed culture that makes these gals rich in the first place.


I Definitely Netflixed Touched by an Angel After Writing This--Viewing Party, Anyone?

It was a slow day for celebrity news, which is why I ended up clicking on this story at all.  On a busier day, seeing the headline would have been more than enough information to fill the part of my brain reserved for Caring About Roma Downey And/Or Mark Burnett, which is an even smaller part of my brain than the one reserved for Caring About Kevin Federline's Music.   But I ended up reading it anyway, all the way down to the final paragraph, where they note that Roma Downey "starred in the TV show 'Touched by an Angel" from 1994 to 2003.'

[RECORD-SCREECH SOUND EFFECT HERE]

Woah.  That show lasted until 2003? Damn!  I guess it assumed it had ended when I stopped watching it. When I was 12.  (OK, maybe 13 or 14.  But still, that was 1997 at the latest.)

Anyway, good luck to these two kids.  I'm sure they can make it work--if Roma Downey was able to make a nine-year career out of walking around saying, "I'm an angel, sent by God . . ." and being bathed in soft lighting, she should be able to stay married for at least that long as well.  Girl's got staying power.


Reading This Post Can Save You $50 in Movie Tickets

Wondering what movie to go see this holiday season?  I'm here to help.  Today I've written helpful previews of five new films--the only catch is, I haven't seen any of them.  Still, I've done this before and I think I was pretty accurate then, so I'm going to push my luck even farther. 

1. Deck the Halls

Deckthewalls

Matthew Broderick: Potentially due to the fact that my wife Sarah Jessica Parker has enjoyed more success than me, I have a comical alpha-male complex related to whether or not I have the best Christmas display in the neighborhood.
Kristin Davis: Christmas Movie, Christmas Movie, yay, yay, yay!  Smile smile smile smile, hey, hey, hey!
Blond girl: Can you believe her?
Danny DeVito: Why is my shirt cropped at such a weird length?  Whatever.  I'm WASTED.

2. Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny

Tenacious_d

Kyle Gass: Hey, JB, wanna become the greatest band in the world?
Jack Black: [siren noise]
Kyle Gass: The way this should work is that we should go on a hunt for a magical guitar pick and have zany adventures along the way.
Jack Black: [hissing noise, followed by banshee yell, followed by low rumble noise]

3. National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj

Rise_of_taj

Taj: Woah.  I just had a nightmare that my character from Van Wilder had to carry an entire sequel, even though to my knowledge the first movie already exhausted all possible jokes about me being foreign, inexperienced with women, and generally bizarre. 
Girl: That wasn't a dream, pal.  See that camera?
Taj: Oh my God!  This movie is going to be horrible!
Girl: Whatever--nobody's going to see it anyway, unless the advertisers really play up the fact that Tara Reid isn't in this one.

4. Turistas

Turistas

Girl on left: Worst. Spring break. Ever.
Josh Duhamel: How were we to know that this trip into the outskirts of Brazil could possibly go wrong?
Girl in middle: This is soooooooooo scary.
Girl on left: Whatever, bitch--you're blonde.  At least the media back home will care when you disappear out here.  The rest of us are screwed.

5. Deja Vu

Dejavu

Denzel Washington: . . . In conclusion, I propose that the formula for this movie be 20% time travel adventure, 20% technical explanations and references to technology, computers, and government secrets, 20% love story regarding the girl behind me, 20% mystery (also regarding the girl behind me), and 20% me doing stuff and then pausing to look at the camera all like, "Did I just blow your mind?"  Any questions?
Girl: Can we up percentage of "Did I just blow your mind" looks to 24% and then take the rest down to 19% each?
Denzel: I'll have Sheila check to see if the numbers add up.


Because You Couldn't Possibly Have Any Work to Be Catching Up On Right Now

Now, hopefully this post finds you motivated and well-rested after four days of alternating between tryptophan-induced naps and family charade matches, but in case you aren't quite readyreadyready for the week ahead yet, here are some remnants of the four-day weekend to hold onto before you get back to whatever it is you actually do all day.

Night Before Thanksgiving photoset featuring Kate, Amy, Kelly, and an extremely unflattering picture of me licking salt off my hand

New candidate for Least Flattering Picture of Lauren

Thanksgiving photoset featuring the fam, the puggle, and the turkey that gave its life to make sure I had something to put gravy on at the dinner table

Turkey

Annual Bobbie Bash photoset featuring Bobbie the birthday girl and some really attractive karaoke pics

Karaoke round two, this time definitely with more feeling

Hope your Monday rocks as hard as the three of us did singing "Eye of the Tiger."


This Week In Internet: Deep-Fried Turkeys, Laughing Babies, and the Search for Ultimate Truth

I have no idea what this is, but it's the best thing I've ever seen.

Some riddles, via Kottke.

Have a contest with yourself: see how long you can watch this without laughing.  I went 21 seconds. (via Dooce)

The ultimate luxury tech gifts. (via Fark)

Sad face, apparently my love of James Buchanan puts me in the minority.

"European traffic planners are dreaming of streets free of rules and directives. They want drivers and pedestrians to interact in a free and humane way, as brethren -- by means of friendly gestures, nods of the head and eye contact, without the harassment of prohibitions, restrictions and warning signs."
What could go wrong? (via Linkbunnies)

The biggest questions ever asked.

"Fire officials warn deep-fried turkey can be delicious, but dangerous."
(via Fark)