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18 posts from August 2007

Oh, My Existence? Turns Out It's Very Shallow

So today they were talking about time capsules on the radio, and later I started thinking about what I would want to put in a time capsule if I made one today.  Here's what I came up with:

  1. Lip gloss
  2. Current issue of US Weekly
  3. Bottle of Diet Coke
  4. .......?

I stared at my list of three for quite a while before I gave up trying to figure out a fourth.  Any good ideas I had either could not be placed in a time capsule (The Internet) or were kind of redundant (should I really put in my favorite hair products if I'm already putting in lip gloss?). 

So yeah, the only three time-capsule-worthy things I can think of to define my life are basically all things you could find in a 16-year-old girl's trashcan.  But maybe you can do better?  Comments welcome.  (Although if your answer is going to be "a cosmo, a PBR belt buckle, and a copy of The Crying of Lot 49," maybe you should just save it.)

Boy Meets Girl, Boy Shows Off Pretentious Tattoo and 'Rapier' Build, Girl Swoons Inexplicably

One of the most consistently entertaining features in the Sunday Washington Post Magazine is Date Lab, a feature that sets two D.C.-area singles up on a blind date and then interviews them about the experience.  The article always has three parts:

  1. Mini-profile of the two singles, who are always obnoxious and do things like describe themselves, un-ironically, as "so D.C."
  2. "He said/she said" recap of the date, which plays out in an extremely awkward fashion.
  3. Italicized "update" blurb at the end that usually reads something like, "Brian says he texted Katie twice over the two weeks that followed, but she never got back to him.  Katie admits that she wasn't all that into Brian and didn't want to lead him on."  In other words, the dates NEVER work out.

The couple profiled this past Sunday was no exception to the rule, and although we learn in their update that the two "agree that there isn't any romance" between them, they at least succeeded on one front: being the hands-down most obnoxious and annoying couple ever to grace the pages of Date Lab.  And that's saying a lot

I've pasted the most mind-bogglingly ridiculous excerpt from their recap below, and just like those old Disney books on tape that tell you, "you'll know it is time to turn the page when you hear this chime," I've highlighted all the parts where you are supposed to roll your eyes in red.

: Erik's a good-looking kid: Rapier build, [Pabst Blue Ribbon] belt buckle, gold Puma sneakers and hair that was up in a Jimmy Neutron swoop. He's very hip, and he knew it. I'm more formal; I always dress like I'm in a 1940s movie, with full makeup and beautiful lips. We went to a very small table and ordered cosmos.

Erik: She said she'd acted in an avant-garde production of "Macbeth," and everything that we had in common started coming out. Shakespeare quotes were flying -- at one point, she dropped a T.S. Eliot reference.

Elif: We could talk about the same smart-kid stuff; that was really titillating. He asked if I'd read The Crying of Lot 49, and I said, "Yeah, I love Pynchon." So he shows me his shoulder, where he has the novel's symbol--the [Trystero] post horn--tattooed onto his flesh! I did shriek in a mock teenager way: "I'll just have to bear your children right now!"

Holy mother of God.  I don't know who's worse--the girl who describes gold sneakers and a "Jimmy Neutron swoop" as a hip look, or the guy who notes that mention of an "avant-garde production of 'Macbeth'" is what it takes for him to immediately connect with someone.  Either way, best of luck to Elif and Erik, and thanks for the eyeball workout.

This Week In Internet: Skulls, Tapirs, Legos

Animals were the clear winner this week on the old Internet, so let's just get them out of the way first:

The rest of the links:

This Is What the Expression "OMG" Was Invented For

NBC Pumps Up for 'Gladiators' Redo

NBC is getting into the ring with "American Gladiators," which has been revived by the Peacock for midseason.

The competition skein -- which featured players with names like Nitro, Turbo and Laser in its campy, early '90s syndie incarnation -- will be updated for the 21st century with new technology and twists. MGM TV, which was behind the original hit, is producing along with Reveille.





In Case You Were Looking for Reasons Not to Go to the College of Business at Illinois State University

I read some very disturbing news today:

The College of Business at Illinois State University is taking the imperative to "dress for success" literally. Starting this fall, students majoring in marketing or business teacher education will have to watch what they wear, donning business casual attire in class — or risk getting kicked out for the day. (Source)

Wow.  That's grounds for transfer.  After all, I spent roughly the entire four years of my college career wearing the same pair of blue sweatpants, and I am extremely distressed by the prospect that some students may be losing their right to do the same.

Sure, college is supposed to prepare you for the real world, but it's also supposed to be a delightfully isolated community where you cross the street without looking, scream curse words without offending children, and--this is the cornerstone of the whole thing, really--dress like a slob.

Kelly and I were pretty extreme in our adaptation of collegiate slovenliness; at one point during junior year we lived on an all-girl floor and basically stopped even wearing pants.  Kelly would walk around in a green fleece robe all of the time, and I could usually be seen wearing a thrift store T-shirt and a blanket.

Usually though, our dressing happened according to this pyramid:


At the foundation of the pyramid were grubby sweats, our bread and butter.  We wore these whenever we were in our dorms or the dining hall, and we had a gigantic shared cache of hoodies, zip-ups, Maryland pants, and super-wide drawstring pajamas to fit our every need (because pretty much every need we had involved comfort or convenience).

Next on the pyramid were our "cute" sweatpants.  "Cute" is probably a misleading term, but basically we had a second set of slightly more presentable sweats that we would wear to class and to the nicer dining hall.  These were your capri sweats, yoga pants, fitted sweats, etc--we even had a set of slightly cuter hoodies and zip-ups that we saved for such formal occasions.

So, 95.45% of our college activities involved outfits from either group of sweats, but at the tippy top of the pyramid we also had our going-out clothes for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights.  And although those may have been our most attractive hours of the week, I will always remember us like this:


Because really, even your nicest outfit isn't gonna do much to class up the fact that you're drinking Arbor Mist out of a plastic mug.

Universal Truths About Shopping at Target

1. You only make the mistake of wearing a red shirt to Target once, because after that one trip is ruined by fellow shoppers constantly mistaking you for an employee, you will never forget again.


2. Target can fill a prescription in 20 minutes.  20 minutes is not long enough for you to be able to go home, but it's also too long for you to be able to just stand at the counter.  So what is 20 minutes?  It is the exact amount of time it takes you to find $80 worth of crap you want to buy.

3. Actually, no matter what you go into Target looking for, you always end up spending $80.  Whether you're getting a pretty good deal on a patio set or you just went in for shampoo and then spontaneously end up buying three body pillows, a photo album and a rocking chair, it always evens out to $80.

4. You can go into Target on a Monday and buy a crap load of stuff--everything you thought you needed--but if you go back again on Tuesday you will still somehow be able to find at LEAST as much stuff that you need.

Yes, We Brought the Legs Into a Bar

This week's Bathtub theme is "Weather."  Here's my post.

Two photo sets from this weekend as well: Second Bethesda Bar Crawl and our softball End-of-Season party, where we finally put those hideous pink shirts to rest.

It would be hard to pick a favorite moment from the weekend, but I have to say there was something special about walking down a street in Bethesda and seeing a trashcan full of fake body parts:

"Who would throw these out??"

The boys' reaction?  "WHO WOULD THROW THESE OUT?!"

This Week In Internet: Judy Blume, Forever Stamps, and Why Nobody Wants to Date You

Here are your links for this week, which I slaved over a hot oven for hours to make:

Comically large things.

304197810_cbd6d2ff5e_2 Cute/funny set of illustrations for different HTTP errors--at right is "417: Expectation failed."

8 Surprising College Roommates.   Apparently Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore lived together at Harvard?

Radar's 100 Reasons You Are Still Single.  Includes:

  • Call Grey's Anatomy simply "Grey's"
  • Won't travel anywhere out of "blading distance"
  • Begin stories with, "I'm not a stalker, but ..."
  • Consider Maroon 5 sort of "your group"

There's still over a month to go till the new season of The Office starts, but maybe the brand new Dunder Mifflin website can help tide us over in the mean time.  Here's a press release on Ryan (the 'temp')'s promotion.

The USA is no longer the tallest country:
"U.S. adults lost their position as the tallest people on Earth to the Dutch, who average about two inches taller than the typical American. In fact, American men now rank ninth and women 15th in average height, having fallen short of many other European nations."

Some really sweet maps.

Um, awesome: Judy Blume will be starting her own blog later this month!

Forever stamps: Always a bad investment.

Exploring the connections between presidential candidates and Law & Order characters.

Couple tried to name baby @.