I gotta say it: some of the outfits at the Oscars last night were very
good. Obviously, those were of no interest to me. Fortunately, there
were some bad ones as well. Let us now discuss them.
When Melissa Leo showed up on my screen with the Best Actress nominees last night, I thought, "Hmm, I have no idea who she
is." I am guessing a lot of people were thinking the same thing. I
also thought, "Hmmm, her dress is doo-doo brown . . . and so is her
hair." I am guessing a lot of people were thinking that as well.
The only thing less surprising than the Slumdog sweep was Angelina's dress. Ooh, something black and flowy that shows off her tattoos and bony clavicle? How original.
Bridget Fonda is not really important enough
for anyone to have asked her the "What are you wearing?" question last
night, which is a shame. I would have really liked to hear her answer,
"a dress inspired by a Yikes pencil from 1991."
On TV, Miley's alter ego is Hannah Montana. On the red carpet, her
alter ego must be a 45-year-old woman; that seems to be the only
justification for why her gowns always appear to have been chosen for
someone three times her age.
On another note, this dress looks like what would happen if you put
a figure skating outfit in a giant petri dish and let it grow
Something about this dress makes me uncomfortable. That thing is the awkward cleavage.
I can relate to Jessica Biel's thinking here; when I wear white, I like
to tuck a napkin into my top as well. Still, for the Academy Awards?
Maybe not the best idea.
My main problem with Tilda Swinton is that her outfits all seem to fall
into the category of "Things That Would Not Shock a Time-Traveling
Pilgrim At All." What's frightening, though, is that this dress is
about a thousand times better than what she wore last year. (Actually, what's frightening is Tilda Swinton in general.)
Phillip Seymour Hoffman
In addition to the above commentary, I'd like to point out a few trends I noticed last night.
TREND: Kooky but Boring Red Dresses
Klum, Amanda Seyfried, and Virginia Madsen all wore shiny red dresses
with exaggerated details, and, viewed individually, all of them looked
OK; not the best dresses of the night, but not the worst. Jointly,
though, they look like a study in Things to Do with Red Fabric When
You're Not That Exciting of a Person. It's a shame, because I love Le
Klum and I think Amanda Seyfried is pretty.
TREND: Overdoing It with the Damn Mermaid Silhouette
I am so. over. mermaid silhouette. dresses. Time to publicly shame the ladies who wore them last night.
Beyonce, if I had a dime for
every time you wore a dress of this shape, I could reupholster every
piece of furniture in my house with that hideous print you are
wearing. So thank God nobody gave me all those dimes. But really, get
a new thing going.
Offender: Melissa George
A small area of this dress is hogging an absurd percentage of its
fabric. Not unlike the distribution of global wealth, this dress is
lopsided and painful to consider for too long.
Offender: Vanessa Hudgens
This dress is ugly AND it looks like a bird flew into it.
TREND: That Shade of Purple I Hate
Dear sweet God, do I hate
lilac. I just do. I am aware that some people like it, and I am
certain this world is big enough for all of us. I can't sign off on
these two dresses though, despite them both featuring that fancy drapy
look I liked on all of Rami Kashou's Project Runway designs.
OK--your thoughts, please. Who/what did I miss?