LMNOP

This Week in Internet: Dachshunds, Canaries, and Swedish Fish

This made me laugh:

 

Police bust canary fighting operation.  Really?? That's a thing?  Reeeeallly?? (Also, I love the subhead: "150 birds seized, 19 face charges.")

I want this blue beer.  It looks like Mondo.

Best Twilight cake ever.

Rita's is introducing a Swedish Fish flavor.  Someone alert my sister and my dad!

The Fast Food Mafia has been updated!

Here's the song list for Guitar Hero 5.

If you never got that hamburger bed you wanted, maybe you owe yourself a set of hamburger scatter cushions to make up for it.

The 10 Worst Evolutionary Designs

You know what people on Craigslist can't spell?  Dachshund. 

Pearl with a Girl Earring

This is cool, but also looks pretty disgusting.

Panda bread!

A Simple Way to Decide if Something Is Worth Doing

This works for everything.  Seriously--everything.

Awards I Would Like to Give to Various Minor League Baseball Teams

Minor League baseball teams have some ridiculous names.  This is clearly a tactic designed to humiliate the players and make them want to practice really hard so they will get promoted to a major league team with a more normal name.  Or maybe it's not.  I don't really care.  I am giving them awards anyway.

Team with the Least Understanding of How Plural Nouns Work: The Buffalo Bisons

I'm pretty sure "bison" is already the plural form of "buffalo," so what does adding an 's' to an already-plural word do?  I guess it makes it a baseball team.  Or a baseballs teams.  Even more confusingly, the Bisons's's's' (I'm pretty sure that is grammatically correct in this situation) logo features just ONE buffalo.  To have even a prayer of being accurate, it should probably feature multiple herds of them.

Team That Sounds Most Like a Band Name: The Jupiter Hammerheads
Probably not a good band, though.

Vacuum Cleaner-iest: The Tri-City Dust Devils
Contrary to what you would think, the Tri-City Dust Devils' mascot is not a vacuum; it's a weird cyclone thing with devil horns.  This is a missed opportunity, if you asked me.  Tornadoes are hateable, unpredictable spells of nature at its worst; vacuums are sleek, fearful things that kill dust and scare dogs.  Clearly a wiser choice to model yourself after.

Team That Probably Sells the Most Merchandise to College Boys: The Modesto Nuts
This is what a Modesto Nuts jersey looks like:

How many 21-year-old guys do you know that would NOT want that??

Team That Sounds Most Like Something You Would Order at an IHOP: The Montgomery Biscuits
Um, BISCUITS?  This is possibly the best team name ever.  (Of course, I named my dog Pancake, so my bias for breakfast names is clearly showing.)

Most Likely to Have Outsourced Its Mascot-Naming Duties to a Seven-Year-Old on Acid: The Fort Wayne Tin Caps
Just hearing the team name of "Tin Caps," what would you picture their mascot as being??  The rusty top of an can, maybe?  Or a baseball hat made out of tin?  Did the words "AN APPLE WEARING A FREAKING POT ON ITS HEAD" happen to cross your mind?  No?  Maybe because you are not a small child on big drugs.

Biggest NERRRRRRRRRDS: The Albuquerque Isotopes
Their mascot is a giant, plush electron.  That should say it all.

Team That Probably Gets the Most Free Pool Shoes: The Everett AquaSox
You know what is a good thing to name a baseball team after?  Dorky shoes that fill up with water and make your feet really heavy.

T-Rex Splatter Is the Worst

Back when I was commuting to Tysons Corner every day, I subscribed to an alert system that would send me a personalized e-mail whenever there was particularly bad traffic on my travel route.  Now, the trip to Tysons Corner is horrible on a good day, so you can only imagine what "particularly bad" signifies; it basically means a dead Tyrannosaurus Rex is covering all lanes of the Beltway in both directions, and scientists have decided that the best way to move it involves toothpicks and fishing wire.  (This happens more than you would think.)

So anyway, even though I quit that job over a year ago for one with a much shorter commute, I have yet to unsubscribe to my e-mail alerts for Tysons Corner traffic.  It is very easy to unsubscribe--you just have to click a link--but I have avoided doing so because I actually like getting those e-mail alerts every now and then as a reminder of the traffic I don't have to deal with.  This either means that I am a total crazy, or that Beltway traffic is so horrible it makes otherwise normal people do crazy things, like continue subscribing to a service that is no longer useful in order to continue receiving, once every two or three weeks, the slight feeling of triumph that comes from knowing you are taking an extra couple of minutes on your hair while all those other suckers sit on 495, hating life and wondering how they will get the T-rex splatter off the hoods of their cars.

Saturday Morning Pancake Breakfast: Takin' a Breather

Taken on yesterday's dog park trip.

This Week in Internet: Bad Books, Cute Weddings, and the Wheel of Lunch

Lots of links this week; let's get to 'em!

Favorite link of the week. Adorable!

The Ultimate Test. "The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find and instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision."

Planning a trip to the beach this weekend? Enjoy your massive diarrhea.

The Fast Food Mafia. I would not want to run into Ron "The Don" McDonald in a dark alley.

Awful Library Books.

"Now he's eating a lady."
"Well that's his business."

0.2 mm of rain falls in the Chilean desert, shuts down entire city. 

Don't know what to have for lunch?  Enter your zip code and spin the wheel!

Do not like crowds.  These pictures made me break out in hives.

Five Epcot rides that predicted the future, and how they did.  Incidentally, these are all the rides/attractions you would do multiple times--not because they were particularly awesome, but because they involved sitting in air conditioning for 20 minutes.

100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About.

The 16 Worst Cartoon Theme Songs of the 1980s.  Ummmm, excrruuuse me?  The Gummy Bears theme song was awesome.

Sweet mural!

Apparently this guy has been living in a cave since 2000 on zero dollars a day.  I read the article and it seems like zero dollars a day gets you pretty much exactly the kind of lifestyle you would think it does: a gross and smelly one.

People Pets continues to be the most ridiculously inane site ever, and I continue to read it.  This week: an entire slideshow of photos of celebrities picking up their dogs' poop.

"If extraterrestrial citizens are monitoring our TV broadcasts, then this is what they're currently watching."

My New Excuses for Not Blogging Will Be "Kidney Stolen" and "It Burns"

This Wired piece on digital-age etiquette contains some truly fabulous graphs and graphics.  My favorite is this one on plausible excuses for calling in sick:

 

Also good is this one on balanced media consumption:

And finally, Holsters: A Style Guide.

 

(Sidenote: I still do not own beer holsters.  And I have lost this shirt.  So my hands-free beer capabilities are even worse than they were two years ago.  I am hereby officially renewing my commitment to owning beer holsters.)

Lamest. Fight. Ever.

Apparently the scene above took place in "during a vote on a disputed media bill" in Seoul's National Assembly.  These people are, without question, the worst fighters ever.  It basically looks like a real fight, but in slow motion and taking place on the set of Judge Judy or something.  But obvi, Judge Judy would never allow this shit.

Animal LMNOPlanet, Part Two

One of my favorite things in life is finding out about a cute animal I did not previously know existed.  (Probably the best example of this is the adorable fennec fox.)  Today, I was delighted to come across some pictures of baby binturongs, or Asian bearcats.  Check these guys out:


And a grown-up one:

Now, I have done some Googling and have to disclose that from certain angles, the adult binturong does kind of look like an overgrown rat.  But other pictures bring out its more favorable characteristics of sloth, koala, cat, bear, otter, and cartoon mouse resmblance.  Therefore, I am sticking with my intitial assessment of CUTE.

UPDATE 7/22/09: Jerome's comment on this post caused me to do a bit more Googling and conclude that actually, the adult binturong is somewhat hideous.  Or, in Jerome's words: "if the Asian Bearcat went on eHarmony I'm sure this would be his profile picture. But then his date would discover at dinner that he was an unkempt, slovenly weirdo with beady eyes."

The babies are still adorable, though.

Sunday Morning Pancake Breakfast: Hidden