LMNOP

This Just In: You Get What You Pay For!

First, just letting you know that the saga of the poor internet connection at my parents' house continues.  However, I move into my new apartment on Tuesday so I will have no excuse not to resume my regular posting schedule at that point (or as soon as my own internet connection is set up). 

So, a few months ago I was bored and browsing the Internet on my phone and I signed up to have Sprint's free joke of the day text messaged to my phone.  And yes, it really is free, it's not one of those Jamster things that charge you $.99/day.  "Standard messaging fees" do apply, of course, but I get 500 text messages a month included in my plan so I'm not paying any extra for this service.

And THANK GOD FOR THAT.  These jokes are horrible.  Every day around 8:15 a.m., another shitty joke is sent to my phone for me to read and be amazed at.  Like, these jokes aren't just not funny or not clever.  They're--well, read today's:

Joe, how did you hurt your foot?
I hurt it from soccer
I didn't know you played soccer!
I don't but kicked the wall when France lost the World Cu

OK, this joke is awful.  First of all, it appears to have been typed by a five-year-old child.  (World Cu?)  Secondly, I get the point of the joke, but who would say such an awkwardly-worded sentence as "I hurt it from soccer?"  A joke isn't really good if you had to use stilted speech to make it work.

When I first realized how bad these jokes were, I realized I should probably go and cancel the service.  But I forgot how to get back to the site where I ordered them, and now I kind of want to keep getting them just to see how unbelievably awful they are.

Some other gems in my recent text messaging history:

What is the most important lesson to learn in chemistry class?
Never lick the spoon or sip the beaker!

Come on.  Not even a scientist (paging Sean Sheffler-Collins) would think that was funny, and they love jokes about themselves!

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

What? Violins have strings attached to them before you start playing the "sweet music" as well.  This makes no sense. 

What do you call a fear of bouncy, jubilant people?
Starbuckphobia

Ooh, making fun of Starbucks--that's creative.  If it were 1998.

As you can see, these jokes aren't even the kind of "so-bad-they're-good" fare that is occasionally entertaining.  These are straight up bad in the kind of way that makes me  wonder if they are generated by an old Russian computer or that guy who writes Garfield. 

Whatever.  Click to continue if you want some behind-the-scenes action.

Walking the Dog: Not Just a Yo-Yo Trick

After seeing that we were able to get a report from someone who actually had a dentist appointment on Dentist Day, I bet you are wondering just how deep the well of LMNOP correspondents runs. 

Meet Michael Erhardt:

Thanks to Michael, we are able to celebrate Pet Sitters Week with an article from an actual pet service professional.  Enjoy!

Way back in the day, the great philosopher Aristotle was once heard to remark, "I do not think that there are any professionals more underappreciated than the extraordinary members of our pet services industry." The situation remains the same today. Since the days of ancient Greece, the societal contribution of domestic pet caretakers has increased dramatically, with experts estimating upwards of a remarkable threefold increase. Yet, the attitudes of ancient Greece continue as the industry still fails to receive its due appreciation, and is often looked down upon by many (i.e. Kelly). How do I know all of this you ask? I am a pet service professional, and damn proud of it!

As a pet service professional, I work as a midday dog walker and a pet sitter. I have sat for dogs, cats, and alligators. My usual routine involves going to my clients' houses at some point between 11 and 2 o'clock and walking their dogs while they are at work. As was stressed during my four years at dogwalking college (The University of Wisconsin), I make sure that each dog goes #1 during our walks. Additionally, and I can't emphasize this enough, you have to pick up the #2s. You don't stay in the business long if you don't have enough game to handle the #2s.

Some readers (i.e. Kelly), are probably thinking to themselves right now, "So what. You walk dogs, that's not really all that big a deal."

Well, first off, go f*** yourself, Kelly. Secondly, I had a conversation the other day with one of my clients that I believe illustrates the importance of my work…

-Me: What would you do if I didn't come by everyday to walk Dewey?

-Dewey's Mom: I would stay home. I'm just too afraid that Dewey would pee on the rug while I was out.

-M: So you wouldn't go to work?

-DM: No.

-M: Do you think that other pet owners have similar feelings?

-DM: I know so. If it wasn't for brave, handsome people like you, Michael, nobody would go to work.

-M: Then what would become of our world?

-DM: Anarchy and chaos.

There you have it folks. In spite of what Kelly may try to tell you, without the pet services industry, the America that we know today could not operate. In recognition of our national love of a fully functioning society, in 1972 President Richard Nixon declared March 1-7 national pet sitters week to celebrate the achievements of pet service professionals.

We've come along way since the days of ancient Greece, but is one little noticed week really enough? Shouldn't there be a federal holiday? I'd like to believe that we dog walkers are just as, or possibly more important than, veterans of foreign wars and they have a day all to themselves. And what about that c***face Christopher Columbus, does he really deserve a federal holiday? I think we've still got a long way to go.

Continue reading for behind-the-scenes trivia, including Kelly's rebuttal!

National Frozen Food Day: More Than Just Popsicles, Although You Could Have Fooled Me

In March of 1984 my hobbies were peekaboo, thumb sucking, bounce-dancing to music, and mimicking the use of everyday items like a cup or a hairbrush.¹  In summary, I was a baby.  But even though I was just nine months old at the time, I can still remember when President Reagan uttered these now-immortal words:

"Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim March 6, 1984, as Frozen Food Day, and I call upon the American people to observe such day with appropriate ceremonies and activities."
(Skeptics, please see the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library or  the Library of Congress.)²

Frozen foods are part of a long list of things in American society (voting, wearing bike helmets, etc.) that, although the majority of sane people dismiss them as trivial, are a huge point of focus and pride for their small groups of devotees.  However, as days of celebration like today show, frozen foods are on the up and up.  You need look no further than a standard calendar for proof of this fact; Frozen Food Day comes every year, while we vote but once every four (I'm sorry, but you just cannot convince me that the little elections held in between presidential races are real). 

Reagan called upon us to observe this day with "appropriate ceremonies and activities."  He declined to define "appropriate," and I think that, more than anything, is Reagan's legacy.  Although you just know he was brimming with ideas and suggestions for how to celebrate frozen food, this was his way of acknowledging that sometimes the best leaders lead by simply setting the stage for greatness and then letting their followers do the rest.

In the end, I decided to celebrate with a classic, elegant shrine to frozen food.  I have posted a picture here to encourage others to commemorate as well. ³; Take a few moments to look at the picture as you reflect on what grocery stores would be like without frozen food sections, what your own kitchen would be like without your freezer there to complement your refrigerator, and what frozen mixed vegetables would be like if they didn't exist.  Enjoy this small glimpse of personal nirvana, Ronald Reagan style.

Don't go yet!!  Did you notice the footnotes in this post?  Are you wondering where they lead?  Are you also wondering why this post is also filed under "Behind the Scenes?"  Thanks to Typepad's new "post continuation" technology and to my remembering how much I enjoyed watching "Pop up Video" back in the day, I am starting a new, occasional feature.  If you click to continue reading footnoted posts, you will be taken to a continuation page featuring explanatory information that gives you a unique, "behind-the-scenes" peek at how this blog is made.  Enjoy!