LMNOP

Wherein I Spread Rumors of a Ms. Frizzle Biopic

Because I was at sea all last week, I am finding it impossible to get caught up on all the pop culture news I missed.  By my estimates, it would take me about 14 hours of research to obtain, at a satisfactory level of detail, the important information I missed while away.  And people, even I do not have 14 hours of free time in my day.

I decided the best thing to do would be to flip through a week's worth of "Star Tracks" photo galleries on People.com, but without actually stopping to read the captions.  Instead, I have pulled a handful of the photos and captioned them myself, giving my best guess as to what is going on in each photo.  Here's what I appear to have missed.

First up in celebrity news: Katie Holmes aged 10 years for every day I was away.

Meanwhile, after curing cancer, Kim Kardashian took a celebratory trip down a waterslide before returning to her laboratory to solve global hunger.

Elsewhere in Hollywood, Evan Rachel Wood began filming a Ms. Frizzle biopic.

Later, Kate Hudson morphed into Jennifer Lopez and then immediately started trying to punch her way out.

All the while, the Real Housewives of New Jersey continued to exist, thus allowing the sun to keep shining and the world to keep spinning.  (Thank you, ladies.  That shining sun really made the Bahamas excellent for me.)

In other news, something apparently happened to make it OK to wear his-and-hers Ugg boots.

And Mariah Carey continued to be a completely normal human.

Finally, Beyonce misread an invitation to perform at the Sydney Opera House and instead thought she was supposed to perform in a dress that resembled the Sydney Opera House.

I don't know about you, but I feel pretty caught up.  If you can think of anything I missed, please leave me the scoop via comment.

Three Images That Have Terrified Me This Week

1. This baby stroller:

(source)

2. These pictures of Noah Cyrus (younger sister of Miley):

(source)

3. Zachary Quinto (a.k.a. the new Spock) wearing hipster outfit and John Waters mustache:

(source)

Something tells me I will be having some really weird nightmares tonight.

2009 Oscar Fashion Recap

I gotta say it: some of the outfits at the Oscars last night were very good.  Obviously, those were of no interest to me.  Fortunately, there were some bad ones as well.  Let us now discuss them.

Melissa Leo

When Melissa Leo showed up on my screen with the Best Actress nominees last night, I thought, "Hmm, I have no idea who she is."  I am guessing a lot of people were thinking the same thing.  I also thought, "Hmmm, her dress is doo-doo brown . . . and so is her hair."  I am guessing a lot of people were thinking that as well.

Brangeboring

The only thing less surprising than the Slumdog sweep was Angelina's dress.  Ooh, something black and flowy that shows off her tattoos and bony clavicle?  How original.

Bridget Fonda

Bridget Fonda is not really important enough for anyone to have asked her the "What are you wearing?" question last night, which is a shame.  I would have really liked to hear her answer, "a dress inspired by a Yikes pencil from 1991."

Miley Cyrus

On TV, Miley's alter ego is Hannah Montana.  On the red carpet, her alter ego must be a 45-year-old woman; that seems to be the only justification for why her gowns always appear to have been chosen for someone three times her age.

On another note, this dress looks like what would happen if you put a figure skating outfit in a giant petri dish and let it grow uncontrollably.

SJP

Something about this dress makes me uncomfortable.  That thing is the awkward cleavage.

Jessica Biel

I can relate to Jessica Biel's thinking here; when I wear white, I like to tuck a napkin into my top as well.  Still, for the Academy Awards?  Maybe not the best idea. 

Tilda Swinton

My main problem with Tilda Swinton is that her outfits all seem to fall into the category of "Things That Would Not Shock a Time-Traveling Pilgrim At All."  What's frightening, though, is that this dress is about a thousand times better than what she wore last year.  (Actually, what's frightening is Tilda Swinton in general.)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Yikes.

Moving on.

In addition to the above commentary, I'd like to point out a few trends I noticed last night.

TREND: Kooky but Boring Red Dresses

 

 

Heidi Klum, Amanda Seyfried, and Virginia Madsen all wore shiny red dresses with exaggerated details, and, viewed individually, all of them looked OK; not the best dresses of the night, but not the worst.  Jointly, though, they look like a study in Things to Do with Red Fabric When You're Not That Exciting of a Person.  It's a shame, because I love Le Klum and I think Amanda Seyfried is pretty. 

TREND: Overdoing It with the Damn Mermaid Silhouette

I am so. over. mermaid silhouette. dresses.  Time to publicly shame the ladies who wore them last night.

Offender: Beyonce

Beyonce, if I had a dime for every time you wore a dress of this shape, I could reupholster every piece of furniture in my house with that hideous print you are wearing.  So thank God nobody gave me all those dimes.  But really, get a new thing going.

Offender: Melissa George

A small area of this dress is hogging an absurd percentage of its fabric.  Not unlike the distribution of global wealth, this dress is lopsided and painful to consider for too long.

Offender: Vanessa Hudgens

This dress is ugly AND it looks like a bird flew into it.

TREND: That Shade of Purple I Hate

 

 

Dear sweet God, do I hate lilac.  I just do.  I am aware that some people like it, and I am certain this world is big enough for all of us.  I can't sign off on these two dresses though, despite them both featuring that fancy drapy look I liked on all of Rami Kashou's Project Runway designs.

OK--your thoughts, please.  Who/what did I miss?

2009 Grammy Fashion Recap

The 51st Annual Grammy Awards were last night, and I am celebrating another year in artistic achievement gone by with an exercise in my own craft: making fun of famous people's outfits.

Coldplay

I turned on my TV just in time to see Chris Martin prancing around the stage during Coldplay's performance wearing a freakish aqua blazer and a comically small pants/crop top duo.  Yes.  Crop top.  The entire band was dressed in what Martin later described as a "Sgt. Pepper rip-off," but let's acknowledge it for what it really was: a deranged, parallel-universe version of The Wiggles.

MIA 

MIA doesn't really try to dress for anyone's approval, so she's hard to hate on.  Plus, last night was literally her due date, so again: hard to hate.  Instead, I will just merely make the observation that she looks like a human maternity version of a migraine aura.

Paris Hilton

Three shades of purple, two shades of green, cutouts, glitter, shimmer, lace, and ruching: that is a lot to fit on a dress that's approximately nine inches long.

Estelle

To be fair, this is one of the best attempts at futuristicgreyplastickycrapstyle I've yet seen.  But having the best ugly plastic dress?  That's like having the prettiest turd.

John Mayer

John Mayer looks stupid.

Lisa Rinna

You'd think that with all the security personnel employed by the Brangelina family, somebody would have noticed Lisa Rinna picking through their trash as she put together this Jolie-wannabe look.

Taylor Swift

Actually, I think this young lady looks fantastic; however, I see a disturbingly Zellwegerian squint in her facial expression, and am hereby putting her on FaceWatch.  If such behavior continues, I will have to take drastic measures.

Sheryl Crow

This dress isn't so horribly offensive, but for me the fabric is way too much like staring into one of those oily, rainbow-ish puddles on the ground at the gas station--and, well, I just have to believe that good fashion doesn't ever remind anyone of being at a gas station.

Knowing My Karma, I Will Probably Be Reincarnated as a Famous Person's Chihuahua

Soooo apparently People has an online-only pet version, People Pets, and after scanning it for an afternoon I have come to the conclusion that it is the Internet's leading source for pictures of sad dogs.  Consider the following photos:

Exhibit A: Mickey Rourke's Sad Chihuahua

This emo chihuahua has more pain and sadness in its eyes than I ever would have thought possible for a 5-lb. almost-rodent.  I guess I could start imagining reasons a dog owned by Mickey Rourke would be sad, but let's save some time and assume that there are many.

Exhibit B: Mickey Rourke's Other Sad Chihuahua

Yeah.  There is an entire People Pets feature on Mickey Rourke's army of little dogs.  And almost all of them look miserable.

Exhibit C: This Completely-Ashamed Poodle

Yes, that is a poodle that has been dyed and groomed to look like a camel.  And yes, he is standing in front of his owner, who is wearing a style of outfit commonly favored by eccentric high school French teachers.  No, I do not have any idea what he could possibly be embarrassed by.

This poor poodle is part of a feature story on "Extreme Grooming," in which dogs are groomed to look like roosters, fish, buffaloes, and even peacocks.  Sad dog faces all around in that photo gallery.

Exhibit D: Mariah Carey's Puppy

Whenever I see pictures of Mariah Carey and her Jack Russell, she is a.) holding him in her arms, and b.) wearing completely insane boots of some kind or another.  However sorry I feel about the fact that he never gets to walk anywhere, I am even more sympathetic about the boots.  If this puppy is anything like Pancake, I suspect that big crazy boots are a huge temptation for him to look at--like big, moving stuffie toys with fringe--and I seriously doubt Mariah lets him loose on those things.  (On a related note, you should see Pancake go to town on an Ugg boot.  It is a crazy sight.  He thinks he is attacking an animal.)

Exhibit E: Yet Another Sad Chihuahua Belonging to Mickey Rourke

Actually, this might be one of the same chihuahuas as above.  But regardless, it looks like it is about to step out into oncoming traffic.

Keeping Up with the Whippersnappers

As someone who prides herself on knowing a lot about famous people, I am slightly uncomfortable with my lack of familiarity with the new crop of young celebrities in Hollywood.  At first when I started hearing names like "Miley Cyrus" and "Jonas Brothers," I did what any slightly-in-denial 25-year old would do: ignored them.  (After all, not only do I not care who a 15-year-old kid is dating, I think anyone my age who does care is a little creepy.)   But despite my best efforts to ignore, ignore, ignore, other names--Zack Efron!  Chace Crawford!--kept popping up like Wack-a-Moles (with way more overstyled hair).

I can no longer deny that Hollywood is being taken over by a new, younger generation, one that will slowly overcome my celebrities in popularity and media exposure.  So I must decide: when that time comes, should I just stop caring about celebrities?  Or should I dig deep and find a way to love this new crop of idols?

I feel like I should at least make a good effort to like them, since following celebrity news is one of my most time-consuming pursuits and, should it disappear, I would be left with a lot of free time to think about how awkward it is that I am not volunteering at food kitchens, what my new availability and all.  On the off chance that any of you feel the same way, I have decided to chart out a few of these celebrities, do a little research on them, and see if I can latch on to any reasons for liking them.  In some coming posts, I will share my findings with you.

Below are the names of some of these young celebs I hope to investigate.  Please add yours in the comments, because I know you totally heard someone say "Taylor Momsen" the other day and you were all, who-a whom-sen?  Now's your chance to find out.

• Jonas Brothers
• Miley Cyrus
• Taylor Swift
• Zack Efron
• Chace Crawford
• Vanessa Hudgens

. . . Who else?

Golden Globes Fashion Recap 2009

The 2009 Golden Globes were on last night, and since nothing helps exorcise my pent-up bitchiness better than smug celebs in formalwear, I was ALL OVER THAT SHIT.  And while I love checking my gossip sites the day after awards shows to see all the Best Dressed and Worst Dressed lists, I've long felt that such simplistic categories do a great injustice to the Hollywood set.  Actors are complex, multifaceted people; so, rather than stuff them into one-size-fits-all categories of Best and Worst, I've invented a much more robust system that recognizes their intricacies and special qualities.

[click any pic for a larger image]

Best Use of a Hot Topic Gift Card: Heidi Klum

Usually, Heidi Klum can do no wrong in my eyes.  But she also usually doesn't dress like a random goth at high school prom.

Best Use of a Smug-Ass Smile: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (Tie)

Brad may not be getting any hotter these days, but he is getting wiser: aviator shades will go far to protect his eyes from the glare of Angie's halo.

Best Auxiliary Dress: Eva Mendes

Actually, Eva Mendes looks great.  But she also kiiiiiiiinda looks like she stapled an extra dress to her hip in case she spilled something on the first one.  Eva, may I suggest a lobster bib next time?  Much more streamlined.

Most Revealing Dress to Also Look Horrifyingly Matronly: Renee Zellweger

Granted, Renee Zellweger could wear the most gorgeous dress in the world and still look awful as long as she employs her famous default facial expression of "sourpuss squinting at a solar eclipse while swallowing a handful of needles," but this is just an abomination.

Best "Josie Grosie" Throwback: Drew Barrymore
 
Doesn't that hair look a little too much like this?  Drew Barrymore would have looked better dressing up as ANY OTHER character she has played in her life.  Even the little girl in E.T.

Best Use of 1992 Technology: Lisa Rinna

This dress looks like your average hideous geometric pattern at first--until you stare at it long enough and the 3-D Magic Eye dinosaur appears.  Good save, Rinna!

Best Use of an Iron: The Top of Rachel Griffifths' Dress

Worst Use of an Iron: The Bottom of Rachel Griffifths' Dress

Best Use of Resume Paper

The pattern/color of this dress on Penelope Cruz are exactly what I look for when I go to Kinko's to Xerox my resume.  So . . . not a good choice for a dress.

Am I forgetting anyone?

Goop: Lifestyle Tips for People Who Are Too Good to Need Lifestyle Tips

So a couple of weeks ago--to the notice of pretty much nobody--Gwyneth Paltrow launched this bizarre shell of a lifestyle website called Goop.com.  Right now it consists entirely of a Flash intro and six icons demonstrating the sections that will (presumably) contain the site's content someday, although right now if you click any of them you get some stupid letter outlining the promise of things to come.  No explanation of why the site is named Goop is offered, although my guess is that it stands for Gwyneth's initials, GP, with two empty round holes in between to symbolize her dead, vacant stare.  (Clever design, actually.)

The first paragraph of this letter reads like a cross between a new age self-help manual and a Dick and Jane book--

--and goes on in that manner in an attempt to get us excited--via the most sanctimonious, Gwyneth-y kind of excitement possible--about Goop.  Excited enough to come back and check it our again when there is actually content, or whatever.

So anyway, back to those six sections I mentioned.  Here they are:

Make. Go. Get. Do. Be. See.  OK, Ms. Paltrow.  I get the vibe you're going for here--simple, minimalist, clean--but still pretentious and douchey.  To that end, may I offer a few suggestions for future expansion?  Once your site becomes the runaway success I'm sure it is destined to be, I say you build on those six sections and add a few more more.  My recommendations follow.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here--really, Gwyneth, I'll be happy with whatever you can throw me.  Teach me how to improve my life!  I await Goop's buildout with the bated-est of breath.

But They Looked So Happy!

Mothers, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Not Be Media Whores

I haven't written much about celebrities here over the past couple months, but that doesn't mean I haven't been paying attention to them.  It mainly means that most celebrity news has been so depressing that it's not worth commenting on.

Anyway, US Weekly reported today that not only is Angelina Jolie pregnant, but that their source informs them "Jolie may sell the confirmation [of her pregnancy], with the money going to charity."  If this is true, it is the most ridiculous thing since cheeseburgers in a can. 

I can already picture some aid worker in Africa spooning an extra half-portion of rice into some AIDS orphan's bowl and saying, "Guess what, little child?  Everyone gets more gruel today because a rich American woman who gets off on being withholding is pregnant.  Eat up, little one, so you can stay strong and maybe live long enough to be adopted by that same woman someday."

And what's this shit about selling birth announcements and "exclusive first baby pictures" and stuff anyway?  I don't care if you're donating the profits, keeping them, or sticking them up a chicken's butt and calling them feathers--it's a nauseating trend.