25 entries categorized "Fashion Recaps"

Oscars 2014, Part Two (Non-Leto Category)

Earlier today I posted my true thoughts on the 2014 Oscars, but to be less of a slacker, I will now go a little deeper. "Deeper than posting three pictures of Jared Leto's hair?!" you may say. "Don't strain anything!" OK, wise guy, let's see YOUR Oscars recap.
Do I seem cranky? Maybe that is because I sat down at 6 p.m. yesterday to watch red carpet coverage and I did not leave my couch for six whole hours, and in that time I saw maybe 25 minutes of what I would file as "memorable moment," "good speech," or "Jared Leto hair screen time." (23 of that 25 minutes was Bette "Memorable Moment" Midler singing "Wind Beneath My Wings.") Not the best ROI on my six hours of precious time, unless you compare it to similarly paced activities like "American Football" and "life itself."
All of which is to say YES, I am a little CRANKY. It was a boring Oscars telecast and the fashion was equally uninspiring. So, rather than attempt to cover every trend, I'll speak only of those looks that moved me to comment. Selected observations forewith:
Winning Women: Cate Blanchett and Lupita Nyong'o
Rs_634x1024-140302163211-634.cate-blanchett-oscars.ls.3214 Rs_634x890-140302160348-634.lupita-nyoungo.cm.3214
(click either for a bigger pic)
Let's just start with the high note(s). I group these two women together for a reason, and it's not just because they won the two big awards. It's to save space. JK! It's because on a night where plenty of people looked good, these two looked special. They both chose looks that showed character and personality. Even tried and true red carpet vets have trouble choosing looks that embody charisma while also seeming effortless and comfortable; Cate is an old hand at this, and Lupita is the up and comer. (And Comfortably Charismatic is the name of my new line of pantsuits, coming to a K-Mart near you.)

So that is why I grouped them together. Please buy my pantsuits.
Hollywood Royalty on Autopilot: Brad and Angelina
It's too easy for them and I should just acknowledge their majesty and move on. 
(Here's me doing the opposite of that.)
Angie and Brad have clearly vaulted past their actor/entertainer pasts into this hiz-n-herz pair of esteemed producer/humanitarian and that's great, really, and they're clearly pretty fulfilled with all that, butttttttt. I found them much more interesting before. And I know that being interesting to me is pretty low on their list of priorities (like seven, I'm thinking. Definitely 7-8 range.) But there it is. They bore me.
That is all.
Hey Wow a Blue Dress: Sandra Bullock
I touch on this because I daresay it was a bit overrated. This made several best dressed lists and while It is a beautiful dress and she looks great--at the end of the day it's jussssssssst a navy blue dress. Feel free to argue me on this one. I just didn't appreciate it. 
Hey Wow Another Navy Blue Dress: Amy Adams
This is very much in line with AA's brand of minimalist high fash. I give it a B. Not the most exciting, but it looks relatively smart. And isn't "that looks smart" about the nicest thing you can say to someone in head-to-toe navy? Also, kudos to whoever steamed/ironed this thing, because dayum.
Who Loves Life? Kevin Spacey Loves Life
Also, You Know Who Constantly Looks Great Even When I Don't Like Her Outfits: Julia Roberts

 I'm going to stop writing photo titles now because it's getting out of hand. 

Naomi Watts
Before I start delving into the bitchier portion of this post, I'd like to say that Naomi consistently looks lovely at these things. She knows her strengths. 
Matthew and Camila
Rs_634x1024-140302165308-634.alves-mcconaughey.cm.3214 (1)
First of all, I am a proud Matthew McConaughey supporter who has been throwing around the term "McConnaissance" for OVER TWO WEEKS now (take that, people I saw using it on Twitter last night), but I do not like what is going on in this photo. There's only so bad a tux can be, so it's not all on Matthew. It's just that Camila's dress happens to be a color I haaaaaate and therefore the combo of her pale pink with his white is a little too King and Queen of the Bubblegum Machine for my tastes.
On another note-know how I always rag on celebs for not seeming more composed in their acceptance speeches because they clearly had to have known, as nominees, that there was a decent chance of winning? Well, Matthew McConaughey was clearly taking notes because his acceptance speech had an intro/thesis statement, three supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion. In other words, it was majorly prepared in advance, and possibly with the assistance of my fourth grade teacher.
 Kate Hudson
Rs_634x1024-140302165209-634.kate-hudson-oscars-030214I was going to call Kate Hudson out for being at the Oscars despite not having much going on, career-wise, but a quick gander at her IMDb page reveals that, with several projects in production, Ms. Hudson could very possibly be up for her own McConnaissance in the coming months. So I'll instead say I enjoyed this look and am eager to hear more about "Rock the Kasbah."
Elsa Pataky
Oof. That is what I said when I saw this. It is honestly one of the oddest cuts I have ever seen happen in nature ("nature" being Hollywood, the least natural place on Earth). Elsa is admittedly dealing with a (literal) curve-ball in dressing around a pregnancy, but I still find this choice hard to fathom.  
Also, the print is ugly.
Kerry Washington
This dress was a bit drab for moi. But I loved the dark lips and the overall hair/makeup so much that it all won me over.
She does need to get a hold of Amy Adam's dry cleaner, though.
Charlize Theron
Those clear straps ain't foolin no one, lady. Let's just say this ain't my first day at Looking at a Dress School. No ma'am. I know that dress is held up by something other than magic. Nice try, though.
(Why do clear straps exist?)
Am I hallucinating, or does Gaga kind of look like Barbara Walters here? That isn't even a bad thing, unless you're Barbara Walters and you don't want a bunch of rumors going around that you wear scarves that serve no function. That's the kind of thing that destroys a journalism career.
Pharrell Williams and Helen Lasichanh 
Hell yes. HELL. Yes. Pharrell is at the forefront of man-pris and formal shorts and I am not even being facetious right now when I say I have room in my heart for those things.
So all the headlines today were about the woman in blue who stole the show. And I hope Liza read the headlines, but not the details of the articles that followed. And I hope she had a great day.
That's it from me. As always, I would like to hear your thoughts on who I missed. But please McConaughize them in proper five paragraph form.

2014 Oscars Recap: Literally Just a Series of Pictures of Jared Leto

 Perfection, thy name is carefully painted man strands of ombre splendor.


 Between the hair (that HAIR) and the white jacket/red bow tie, Leto looks like a caterer in HEAVEN serving crust-less half-sandwiches of world peace.

Jared leto ap oscars 2014

I may update this post with more comprehensive Oscar fashion commentary IF I can get myself to stop cruising internet black markets for LetoHair sweaters.


2014 Golden Globes: Print this Out and Wear it as a Dress

As the first major red carpet event of the year* the Golden Globes are usually a harbinger of trends to come. Just as last year at this time we were treated to peplum overload, certain trends have already clearly emerged for 2014.  
This year's recap is structured in order of the various trends I noticed on the red carpet last night. Some of them are real trends that there is an actual fashion term for. Some are . . . not. We will start with an example of the latter--one of the most visible trends of the night. Like, really visible. Yep, I'm talking about . . .
*The People's Choice awards are dead to me
First, a true story: for my high school graduation party, my mom requested a cake with black and gold icing since those were my school's colors. The resulting confection said "Congrats" in bright yellow icing, bordered by approximately 30 extrremely creepy black flowers. It looked like a really poorly worded funeral cake. 
What I am saying is, yep--this is a thing. Dresses with random stuff hanging off them is happening, and Brigid Coulter (above) is modeling the most restrained version we were treated to last night. Suggestion: when the lowest-key look in a particular fashion category rips off my accidentally creepy Graduation Cake of Death, it might be a bad trend.
On that note, I guess the best thing I can say about Drew Barrymore's dress is that it makes for a much better cake concept.
I did not come up with the term "mullet dress," but the shoe fits. And speaking of shoes, that is one good thing about high/low hemlines--if you are wearing $500 shoes, it's nice if people can actually see them. Here, Michelle Dockery looks elegant and sophisticated and owning-of-feet:
So it's possible to do this trend nicely. But when it's done wrong, it takes things in a comically bad direction, like with Caitlin Fitzgerald:
This dress was already channeling Spock a little too hard up top, and with the hemline it just becomes a ridiculous mess. 
See also: Zooey Deschanel
If the styles above are a nod to the mullet, Emma Watson's look presents a reversal:
Much like a well-run Chuck E Cheese, this look is party in the front and business in the back. And I like it! Granted, I'm not super sure it will work on people who aren't LITERALLY LISTED ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR GAMINE, but kudos to Emma on taking an intriguing fashion risk that somehow didn't look insane.
  Zoe saldanaThis was the only dress last night that I had an actual, visible, physical reaction to. THE STRAPS. I mean, are they even straps? The whole point of straps is that they . . . strap something. These are just droopy vestigial fabric strips with no function whatsoever. Except making me cringe. They're doing a nice job of that. (P.S.: the other 98% of the dress is also ugly.)
Elsewhere in the Land of Strapless Abominations, we have Megan Mullally's Tudor Sleeves to Nowhere:
But lo, lest we think it is impossible for curiously contrived strapless garments to look cool, we have a spot of hope--Lupita Nyong'o's strapless cape:
Lupita nyongoFunctionally, I'm not sure what a strapless cape brings to the table. (Pretty sure shoulder warmth is a major priority of your average cape-wearer.) But visually, it's working--she looks cool and the lines are interesting. This look ended up on many best-dressed lists--and deservedly so.
Black and white is fashion's home base: a safe, foolproof way to look elegant and timeless. Usually. Last night had more misses than hits in this area. We'll start with the (relative) highs, like Laura Carmichael:
Laura carmichaelI admittedly didn't love this at first (hello, arbitrary hip panel), but it has grown on me a little more every time I've looked at it. (Like every old dude on Downtown Abbey has grown on Lady Edith, amirite?!)
And while J-Law's parceled gown was not everyone's cup of tea, I landed more towards liking it than disliking.
J lawI will not be quite so generous with Heidi Klum, whose dress was ruined by poor styling choices.
Heidi klum
 Nor will I excuse Julia Roberts, Olive Garden manager, for not bringing breadsticks for everyone:
Julia robertsAditionally unforgivable is Allison Williams in "animal print that does not actually occur in nature on any animal:"
Allison williams
Enough black and white for you? Time to overcorrect with . . .
Let's be real clear: I do not hate colorblocking. In fact, I love it. I'm drawn to it. It never gets old. But taking this trend into formalwear territory? PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Cases in point:
Julie bowen
Julie Bowen tops a deep purple skirt with red velvet and a Nutcracker belt. Woman to the left says, "ummmmmmno."
Aubrey plaza"EXCUUUSE ME, is that 2014 PANTONE COLOR OF THE YEAR, RADIANT ORCHID?!?!" Said no one. I'm a fan of Aub's hair but the purple-purple pink is a little too Twilight Sparkle. (Yes, I do correspond frequently with a kindegartener.) 
Speaking of My Little Ponies, the beautiful Sandra Bullock wants us to cry ourselves to sleep at night asking whygodwhyyyyyyyyyy.
Sandra bullock
Perfect hair. Perfect makeup. Dress made from black satin and unicorn skin.
I'm placing Amy Adams in this category as well, with a look I gave a B-minus:
Amy adams
Kinda liked the dress; kinda hated the hair.

Those were the major trends I noticed, but here are some other notes.
Kerry washington
Kerry Washington has an interesting sense of style. She tends to mix it up and I can usually appreciate most of her choices. And if I could look half as professional at work as Olivia Pope looks just ga-lugging vino in her jammies, I'd be happy. But. Did not like this dress and strongly felt that she looked like an oyster. STRONGLY FELT.
Paula patton
Re: Paula Patton, it's a time-honored rule: if you can't be the best dressed, be the most dressed.
And if you can't be the most dressed . . .
Mario lopezCuz it looks fun.
Olivia wilde
Finishing up: I'm in agreement with those who called this one of the very best looks of the night. (Also enjoyed KateAmyJulianna, and both Emmas.) So we'll end on that. 
As usual, I'll conclude by asking--who/what did I miss?!

2013 Oscars Recap, Part 3

Continued from Part 1 and Part 2

So. We've done the good and the bad; time for the in-betweens.


Sandra Bullock

Not bad in the full length, but can I get a zoom? For science?

SAAAAANDY. The Queen of England called. She wants her diamond-encrusted Bluetooth back.

Jennifer Anniston

She looks frozen in time, and I mean that in the good way and the bad way. Jennifer mayyyyy have accepted the Gwyneth Paltrowian deal with the devil where you can stop aging if you also arrest your personal sense of style at the same point in time. (Fortunately for Jen, she has a much more timeless sensibility than Gwyneth does.)

Reese Witherspoon

Reese witherspoon
Great hair, but meh on the dress. I think I would have preferred it without the black.

Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer lawrence
People loved this, but it just wasn't my bag. I know I'm in the minority, and I can't even really explain why I don't like it (some kind of reptilian/Flintstonian vibe I can't quite articulate), but every now and then, you disagree with one of the universal faves. This was one of those times.

Jennifer Lawrence

J law
While I'm completely losing you, I'll go ahead and throw it out there that I didn't love Jennifer's look. I know. Don't murder me. I like her. And it was a big night in a big year for J-Law. Good for her. However, neither the hair nor the dress felt spectacular to me. They weren't bad--just not my favorite look of hers. But there's no denying she was queen of the night.


B coop and mom
Forgot to put her under best dressed, but this woman really needs her own category anyway. She's wearing SNEAKS. And that furry thing. She's to die for. 

So that's that. Your comments are, per ALWAYS AND FOREVER, welcomed.

2013 Oscars Recap, Part 2

Continued from Part 1

We've discussed the winners. Time for . . . 


Anne Hathaway

Anne hathaway
Uh, yeah, I hate Anne Hathaway, and yeah, it's just personal. Sorry. Them's the breaks. Regardless, this was a no. In her red carpet interview, Anne joked that the (backless) dress was "business in the front; party in the back." A great follow-up question would have been to ask what business emphasizes awkwardly drawing everyone's eyes to your nipples all night long/forever.

Anyway. Didn't like the color, didn't like the neckline/necklace, still don't like Anne.

Halle Berry

Halle berry

I will admit that this is the best-case scenario for what you get when you say "Beetlejuice" three times.

Helen Hunt

Helen Hunt made a statement by wearing a gown from the H&M Conscious Collection. Appreciate the idea behind it, but, uh, it doesn't look good. I totally emphathize, though, because everything I have ever bought from H&M has ended up fitting improperly and wrinkling instantaneously.

Kristen Chenoweth

Kristen chenoweth
The personality of a teenager aggressively campaigning for Homecoming Queen combined with Disney villain styling. Weird that that didn't work.

This is also the first of several high buns I hated. 

Salma Hayek

Salma hayek
Here is Bun of Death #2. I know this crazy "turtleneck made out of Reese's Cup wrappers" thing doesn't leave many hair options, but the dark bun is just way too severe here.

Renee Zellweger

Renee zellweger
The dress wasn't all that bad., although it was not my cup of tea and it definitely washed her out. But I hate the hair.

Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)

Brandi glanville
OK, so a D-lister dressing badly for attention is the oldest trick in the red carpet book, but what can I say? I like low-hanging fruit. It is, at least, much better than fruit that has been awkwardly smushed upwards at a painful angle . . .

Kristen Stewart

K-Stew actually ended up on a lot of best-dressed lists with this, but C'MAN. She showed up on crutches, her hair was a mess, she glowered through her turn presenting and had a huge bruise on her arm. So yeah, nice dress, but I'm over this low-energy sourpuss and it's gonna take way more than White Swan to change that.

Amanda Seyfriend

Amanda seyfried
This was a bit predictable--it echoed some of her recent looks--and the hair is approaching the preliminary Bride of Frankenstein warning zone. When you combine that with the automatic 5 point SO SICK OF LES MIS deduction I factored in, it's straight to the bottom for Ms. Seyfried.

Amy Adams

It's probably harsh to put her in Worst Dressed, but I think she's lovely and was disappointed with the blah color and last-season trend of whatever that huge, tulle-ified skirt is called.

Zoe Saldana

Zoe saldana
I like that she takes risks, but sometimes risks don't pay off. A belt that looks like it has your high school diploma tucked into it falls firmly into the category of "not paying off."

Next up: Part 3

2013 Oscars Recap, Part 1

When I say the Oscars got off to a bad start last night, I am actually just talking (Anne Hathaway style) about myself. 

(Yeah--best to just open up with my stance on the Great Anne Hathaway Debate. Do not like.) 

Anyway, I had crucially burned some popcorn on my stove immediately prior to the telecast, and as I ran through the house opening windows, turning on fans, clearing smoke, and eventually re-popping popcorn (because I'm not a QUITTER who would abandon her plan for a completely nutrition-less dinner at the first sign of a setback), I caught only snippets of the opening monologue. So for that first 15 minutes or so, I thought my questions (huh? is that William Shatner? Why is Seth McFarlane so obsessed with whether he is a bad host? Are they singing an entire song about boobs?) all had perfectly logical answers that I was just missing because I was only catching bits and pieces from the giant burnt popcorn kernel that was my kitchen.

WELL. I got my act together by 8:45 PM; the show never did. As Richard Rushfield articulates nicely here, the 2013 Oscars were odd, awkward, and tonally schizophrenic: dramatic musical numbers tied together by an ever-thinning thread of Desperate Seth McFarlane.

And that's really all I have to say about the show in general. Let's get to the winners, losers, and, the in-betweeners.


Charlize Theron
Charlize theron
Great dress, but Charlize's natural poise/striking hair took the look to iconic level.

Jessica Chastain
Jessica chastain
This was a great hair night* all around, and Chaz (yeah, I'm calling her Chaz, it's a thing) was best-of-the-best for me. As I tweeted at the time:

*Except for the BUNS, which we will GET TO LATER

Naomi Watts

Naomi watts

Made good on what proved to be a hit-or-miss night for metallics. The cutout is totally what January Jones wishes she was pulling off when she wears kooky stuff that doesn't quite work this well. 

Sally Field

Sally field

Sally is too cute, and I loved this. Great dress, great hair. 

Quvenzhané Wallis

Q wallis
PUPPY PURSE! I was obvs enchanted by Quvenzhané's accessory of choice; I have since learned that this is kind of her thing and she has worn different ones to each major awards show. Now you know how to make an absolutely endearing nine-year-old kid even more endearing.


Won an Oscar, worked the stage, and eschewed her usual kooky/frumpy looks in favor of something a bit more glamorous--her best award show look yet. Nitpick: don't like the hair. MUCH preferred it down during her performance.

Jennifer and Ben

Loved Jen's dress, makeup, hair, AND jewelry. My initial reaction was that she could have done more dramatic makeup, but in retrospect, this was perfect--especially considering it was Ben's night and not hers.

Speaking of which, love the beard on Director Ben. 

Kerry Washington

Kerry washington

Count me among the fans of this color/style. The metallic accent was in keeping with the trend of the night, so the coral color didn't seem too out there. Strong showing.

Up next: Part 2.

2013 Grammy Awards: YAY FOR TACKY CRAP

I'm lacking the time to put together a proper recap today, but I just can't miss the opportunity to praise some of the delightfully tacky outfits from last night's Grammy red carpet.

The past few rounds of Oscars, Globes, and Emmys have had plenty of looks both beautiful and bad, but tacky is its own, specific breed. Tacky isn't so much about wearing a bad outfit--it's about wearing a jubilantly inappropriate one. Like everyone else knew it was an awards show and you thought it was a Dress Like a Human My Little Pony Contest.

Kate pierson
Looking at you, Kate Pierson of the B-a52s. Loooooking at you.

Tacky is never lazy. Tacky takes work. Tacky means spending hours lovingly dying a Rapunzel hair extension in Kool Aid while you wait for your chainmail.com order to arrive. Tacky takes effort.

Bonnie mckee
Tacky is elusive. It reminds you of something, but offers its own spin. Tacky is John Mayer channeling Willy Wonka channeling John Mayer back again.


Tacky is knowing everyone has heard your voice over and over again all year and giving them miles of sheerness and tulle and saying, "HERE'S EVEN MORE ME. YOU'RE WELCOME."

Tacky is whatever this is on whoever this is.

Tacky is the leg slit on the shapeless dress that doesn't even look good with the hair that even looks worse, making it clear that you chose this look not because you liked the designer, but because you like your own bod more than anything that can be made out of mere fabric.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Tacky is sophisticated 70s Mother Nature realness served with a side of This Face, All Night, Because You're Damn Right I'm Serious.

Katy perry
Tacky is Taylor. You know I'm right.

Tacky is great. I miss tacky. Tacky will outlast the careers of all of these people. Tacky is timeless. And you can never go wrong with a classic.

P.S. Tacky is a blog post that uses the T-word 25 times. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Golden Globes 2013, cont.: The Good

(Continued from here.)

I don't have as much to say about these as I did about the bad (criticism just flows much more freely; it's one of my gifts). But for the sake of balance, here's who I liked.



I love when a celeb seems to come out of nowhere looking randomly fabulous. For me, that was K-Hud last night, and she may have even been my choice for best-dressed overall. She succeeded with some of the trends where others failed (cutout, plunging gleavage, a lotta shit on yo neck) and looked generally spectacular.
Every time the camera hit JG I thought she looked radiant. Photograph doesn't do this one justice (it kind of sparkled and shimmered on video and, presumably, in person), but you get the point.

Looking good and having fun. Tina's hair looked amazing, and I fully support her becoming a hair icon if she so chooses.

Liked the dress; loved the hair.



This was a big night for her, and she came off as charming and funny. This dress didn't wow me, but I thought it was a solid choice.
If you're gonna do a bow, this is the way to do it while still being glamorous (cough RACHEL WEISZ cough).
Bright and pretty. Great hair, great necklace, and a wacky, fuzzy bag to make it fun.

More of the good . . .

  • Julianne Moore: wasn't crazy about that beehive, tho
  • Amanda Seyfried: pretty
  • Sally Field: just too cute
  • Kerry Washington: stylish; if you're gonna do that sheer drop skirt thing then this is the preferred route (cough RACHEL WEISZ AGAIN cough)
  • Claire Danes: her hair continues to be great; she looks awesome in a good-but-not-even-great dress

That's all. I'm sure I missed some on both sides, and I will blame any oversights on DayQuil haze and the fact that all day I have been approximately this.

Golden Globes 2013: The Good and The Bad

Last night's Golden Globes were one of my favorite awards shows in a while. The hosting was good, the speeches were largely non-boring, and there enough odd/wacky moments peppered throughout to keep it interesting. (Here is a decent top 7 on said moments.)

I've split my fashion recap into two categories: the good and the bad.* We'll start with the bad and work our way up.



J lo
It says a lot about J-Lo that this is basically predictable attire for her. That being said, it doesn't quite rate as boring because it is a full-length nude bodystocking doily thing made of that super unsexy figure skater illusion material. Anyway, the prevailing commentary here was "Jennifer is basically naked," but I raise you two points: 1) she probably would have looked better naked; and 2) she certainly would have been able to move better. Watching celebs mince around uncomfortably is enough to kill even the best look, so it so it certainly doesn't do any favors for a bad one.


Tip: if you're on James Bond's arm then the bottom of your dress shouldn't remind me of a beekeeper. I mean, hell, if you're on anyone's arm (except a guy in a bee costume), then this rule applies. Also, polka dots always look twee/informal to me and bows frequently do, so overall this was Budget Marion Cotillard at best and Rachel needn't settle for that.


I like Lena and do not count myself among the Girls haters; however, heavy folds of fabric in a blah color--not my fave. Sadly, Lena also had a bad case of I-Can't-Move-In-This-Itis. During her two excruciating trips to the stage I watched this dress pull her down like it was quicksand as she hobbled forth on what appears to have been a very nonfunctional shoe choice. The entire telecast seemed to come to a screeching halt as the world prepared itself for a faceplant.


Boring dress that looks like off-the-rack prom attire paired with ultra-severe hair and makeup: not the most approachable look I've seen on Tay Swift. I don't want to hate on this young lady, but . . . ohhhhh. I guess I do.


All my criticisms of this outfit shall be rescinded if, in three months' time, it is revealed that the verymethod Ms. Cuoco was just selected for the titular role(s) in an Olsen twin biopic.

Adele had one of the best speeches of the night--quick, funny, unpretentious--but her award show wardrobe is just one heavy, black dress after another. For someone who seems to have a much lighter side than her earlier work would have us expect, her wardrobe is consistenly bleak. Let's see some color and maybe even some skin at some point, plz?


ChastainShe seems great, and I love her hair and makeup, but this dress was perhaps the most awkwardly-fitting choice of the night.


Soooooo. Siena here just played Tippi Hendren in The Girl and I suppose this is a nod to '60s style, but here's a thought: if that's what you're going for, why not do one of the five million more glamorous '60s looks available than 'fat lady housedress?'

More of the bad . . .

  • Eva Longoria: overwrought; also, choose either the slit or the cleavage, not both (Em pointed this one out and I agree)
  • Halle Berry: just a casual "what the hell" and let's move on
  • Emily Mortimer: baked potato, chainmail, Tin Man, etc.
  • Alyssa Milano: more like Mila-NOooooooooo, amirite? high five

Next up: The Good

*Confession: Originally I was going to do a third category, The Boring, but (shockingly!) I got bored.

2012 Oscar Recap, Posted Very Early Because I Got a Lot of Sleep Because I Fell Asleep During the Show

Oscar recap? OK, Oscar recap. Add a peach mimosa to this and you have my Oscar experience:

Oscar recap

Yes, I am getting lots of use out of my Pajama Jeans, thanks for noticing!

If you watched the Oscars, you already know that the not-so subtle theme of the evening was Appreciate the Fuck out of Silence. This was courtesy of Billy Crystal rambling incoherently while a weird, tinny mechanical buzzing sound echoed in the background for three hours and then a silent movie won a bunch of awards because really, WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN SILENCE? (See also: sleep. I would like to thank the Academy for getting me to bed by 10:30 last night. You guys are the best!)

Granted, I went into last night's Oscar broadcast pretty unprepared: I had seen  just one of the Best Picture nominees (Moneyball). I had read the book The Help was based on, but that makes me about as qualified to judge it as a food critic writing a review of a restaurant based on having read its menu. What else? Oh, I also half-assedly clicked through a couple of photo galleries and saw enough screen grabs to understand that The Artist was not what the kids call a "talkie" and George Clooney was apparently nominated for being in a Carnival Cruise commercial.

(Exception to my ignorance: I was completely up-to-date on everything related to Uggie the Dog.)

I clearly have no commentary on the broadcast or the movies themselves, but that's OK because CLOTHES. That's what we come here for anyway, right?


Rooney mara

One thing I really appreciate abour Rooney Mara's look is that I know I could draw her. My portraiture skills, which have not evolved since approximately 1991, consist of drawing an extremely oval head with a line straight across the forehead depicting the bangs/hairline. Add some red crayon lips, and BOOM: PERSON. I know inspiration comes from a lot of places, but the Tupperware bin in my parents' basement labeled Lauren School Grade 3 was quite a long way for Rooney's stylist to go. You're welcome, guys, although I admit I wish you'd found my illustrated Babe Didrickson Zaharias report to imitate first. That would have made for a hell of a javelin jog-up down the red carpet.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, I want to let all three of these ladies know that if they need someone to draw them accurately, I am available, as long as they don't change their bangs: 

People i can draw


Michelle williams

Michelle Williams is a darling and continues to have the best short hair ever in the world, but I'm not sure why everyone looooved this dress. I thought it was fine and certainly didn't hate it, but I also don't understand the mobs screaming for this as #1 Best Dressed of the entire show. I really suspect that the rambling, chattering red carpet commentators were just extremely proud of knowing the world peplum and wanted to advertise it as grandly and effusively as possible. If you watched the red carpet you probably get what I'm saying, because they were like "Peplum Peplum Peplum?! Peplum. Peplum!!"


Tina fey

Peplum Peplum Peplum?! Peplum. Peplum!!


Judy greer

Make no mistake about it: this is a sideways track suit pant leg. And it looks great.


Miss pyle

Most polished Toddlers & Tiaras contestant ever! But how did she end up on the Oscars red carpet?


Glenn close

The phrase that immediately came to mind when I saw this dress was "business octopus." The combination of suit top and seaweed color and the fact that when I saw it the train was particularly spread out (way more so than in this pic) all contributed to this judgment, but looking at the outfit again in the light of day I think mayyyybe the biggest contributor of all was my peach mimosa.


Matthew lillard

Matthew Lillard, aka this guy, was invited to the Oscars exclusively to remind you that the '90s are over.



I think it speaks volumes re: the boringness of last night's Oscars that this was the most controversial dress of the night. Yeah, it's got cleavage, but if you ask me this is pretty freaking demure. It has long sleeves, for crying out loud. (Granted, so did this.)


Natalie portman

I like how Natalie Portman is the most credible and respected young actress ever and nobody can ever stop talking about how smart and great and classy she is but also, her dresses at awards shows are always really WTF. Like, this is clearly a Hot Topic goth prom dress and that purse should have more cherries on it, right?

I've actually read a lot of raves for this dress, but I stand by my assessment because I don't want to live in a world where polka dots are classy. 



I have to admit that I'm loopier than I usually am when I write these recaps because I woke up at 5 a.m. to make a bizarre work deadline, but the caption for this picture (in whatever slideshow I found it in) indicating that Gwyneth "took off her cape to present" made me laugh uncontrollably. I like to imagine that this is noteworthy information because there is Important Cape Etiquette I don't know about because I don't read Peggy Post: Capes Edition. But Gwyneth does, thank goodness.


Brad and angelina

At 9:15 p.m. last night I was jolted out of dozing off thanks to a text from my sister: "Omg Angie and Brad same hair dye." Very true, although I will admit Ang's color is very lustrous and well-done and Brad is looking brassy and kind of gross. Anyway, these are beautiful people and they are waving to us like they are the Mayor and First Man of Prettytown and that's great and cool and I bet they went home and slept without dreaming, like they do every night, because their subconscious minds do not even understand the concept of reality not being perfect all the time. So that's cool and we'll keep moving.


Louise roe

I am not entirely sure who Louise Roe is, but I saw her in a slideshow and want to congratulate her on having the Most Structured Dress Ever. Tailored and belted and folded and pleated and folded more and origami-ed and was probably made by IKEA and took five hours and an L-wrench to put on. 

It is also possible that I am overreacting and this is just a dress and I only wear sweatpants ever.


Giuliana rancic

I appreciate Giuliana's philosophy on styling herself for awards shows: "I've never not freaked Lauren out and I don't intend to start not freaking her out now!" Needless to say, her understanding of double negatives is also commendable. 


Colin firth and livia giuggioli

Livia Giuggioli is Colin Firth's wife and the current Guinness World Record Holder for Most Times I Had to Switch Tabs to Check How to Spell Her Name. But I did it all so I could say that wow, that is not so much a bust line as a full-on gutter that she was probably cleaning leaves out of by the end of the night. 


Nancy o'dell

One time I was doing one of these recaps and included some rant about how the woman whose name I have Pig Latin-ized above is very stange and dead-eyed, and then a million of her defenders (or, let's be honest, Ancy-Nay herself commenting under 20 different names) came and left angry comments in her defense and called me mean and other (true) things. Anyway, this is a yellow dress on an orange woman and I do not like it but I am hiding from the angry mob by disguising her name because I want to.


Kelly osbourne

Kelly's hair is the color of a My Little Pony tail and her lipstick is the color of its magical turds. Past that I cannot comment.


Wim wenders

The Quirky Guy Killin It award for the night goes to Wim Wenders, who I will not pretend to have heard of before his blue-accented wonderfulness showed up in one of my slideshows this morning with an explanation that he made a documentary about Pina Bausch, who I have also not heard of because he is not my dog, one of the seven people I know personally, or Triscuits. 


Jane seymour

The thing I appreciate most about Jane Seymour is how she shows up to awards shows looking slammin and her facial expression is all "Bitch, I wear this grocery shopping." Keep it up, JS.


Cameron diaz


I have to say, this is the best Cameron Diaz has looked in a while. And I am not just saying that because she currently is holding me in the air with just one arm.