LMNOP

Retirement Planning

It came to my attention today that my projected early retirement date is May 18, 2043, a.k.a. INFINITY YEARS AWAY.  (Thank you, company HR system, for providing this mind-boggling information.)  Time to start planning!

Things I Can Maybe Do When I Stop Working in 2043

1. Retire to jetpack community in Florida
2. Spend more time with grand-bots
3. Take up knitting . . . WITH MY MIND
4. See parts of the country that have not fallen into the ocean
5. Learn to play shuffleborg
6. Quietly bide my time (approx. 15 minutes) till the Apocalypse

 

Did I forget anything?  Let me know, because clearly I need to figure this out ASAP.

Situations in Which Fun Size Candy Bars Are Actually More Fun Than Their Regular-Sized Counterparts

1. When they are being thrown at your head
2. When you are giving them to someone you don't like
3. When it is a Baby Ruth
4. On opposite day
5. If you are allergic to candy

Three Images That Have Terrified Me This Week

1. This baby stroller:

(source)

2. These pictures of Noah Cyrus (younger sister of Miley):

(source)

3. Zachary Quinto (a.k.a. the new Spock) wearing hipster outfit and John Waters mustache:

(source)

Something tells me I will be having some really weird nightmares tonight.

Businesses That Had Better Survive the Recession

HBO
Sephora
Nabisco (Triscuit Division)
At least one of the two liquor stores within walking distance of my house
California Tortilla
All tabloids

Cabinet Positions I Would Be Glad to Fill

• Secretary of Cheetos and Jellybeans
• Secretary of Puppy Pictures
• Secretary of the Interior Monologue
• Hot-torney General
• Gnomeland Security Director (Jurisdiction: Fox attacks, mushroom housing, subsidization of pointy red hats)
• Ecretary-say of Ig-pay Atin-lay
• Chief of Apostrophes

Words I Learned Last Week

• stochastic
• elan
• contumelious
• phalaenopsis
• recondite

Some Etsy Finds

Royal Tennenbaum Finger Puppets, $39
This shop also features a Barack puppet and an Ira Glass one.  Yes, you can now have your own little felt Ira Glass.

Knitted Power Cord, $25
A scarf/belt/whatever for nerds/electricians/whatever.

Elliot Bird Necklace, $65
Not as eccentric as a live parrot on your shoulder, but also will never poop on your head.

Milk and Bread Necklace, $40
Maybe next this seller can make solid gold twist ties.

Harper Coin Purse-Made of Salvaged Banner, $8
Just bought one of these for myself.

Beep Boop Oop Card, $2.25
When you care enough to send your very robot-est.

Let's Hear It for the Red, White, and Tuvalu

I totally sweat the Olympics.  I love patriotism and human triumph; most of all, I love being reminded that despite what the Ocean City boardwalk will have me believe, there are still people in the world who have the right bodies for wearing Spandex. 

Now, with the Beijing games only a few short weeks away, my biennial case of Olympic Fever is flaring up again.  To get you as revved up as I am, I present my official list of . . .

The Top Five Reasons To Be Pumped for the Olympics

Reason # 5: Potentially ridiculous outfits at the opening ceremonies

Ralph Lauren is the official outfitter for Team USA this year, and although the outfits for the opening ceremony will not be revealed in advance, I have reason to believe that they will be ridiculous.  That's because they have released a picture of the uniform they created to be worn around the Olympic village, and it looks like this:

Totally geeky.  I do not envy the person whose job it is to persuade Carmelo Anthony to put that combo on.

Reason #4: Tuvalu

Tuvalu, "a Polynesian state composed of nine coral atolls," is set to make its debut at the games this year.  I have no idea what sports they will be competing in, which is reasonable because until two minutes ago I had no idea Tuvalu even existed, but you can bet I will be tracking this exciting young upstart of a nation. 

Reason #3: HDTV

This year's games will be broadcast in HD, meaning we get to see every sweat bead and muscle ripple in complete high-res glory.

Actually, that could be gross.  I'm looking at you, Greco-Roman wrestlers.

Reason #2: Futuristic Controversies

Performance-enhancing drugs are so passe.  All the cool sports have moved on to debating newer, more futuristic technologies.  Most recently, the Speedo LZR swimsuit--a technological marvel with welded seams and a core-stabilizing corset--has generated controversy as to whether or not it gives wearers an unfair advantage.  This article explains:

Check out these numbers: In the first half of 2004, the last Summer Olympic year, one world record was set in Olympic-length pools. So far this year, 22 world records have been set, 21 of them by swimmers in the LZR, leading to an obvious question:

Is it the swimmers? Or is it the suit?

The running community also had a cow over whether or not Oscar Pistorious, a double amputee who runs with the aid of carbon-fiber prostheses, should be allowed to compete in Beijing--or if his fake legs were actually better than the real thing.

Reason #1: FUWA!

Meet the Fuwa, this year's crew of Olympic mascots.  They're like a cross between Power Rangers and Pokemon, and they stand to make this the Cutest Olympics Ever.  I highly recommend this writeup on the crazy amounts of symbolism in everything from their names to their headpieces.

I think my favorite is YingYing.

Can the "Friends of LMNOP" License Plate Be That Far Behind?

No matter where you live, you've probably seen a license plate like the above, designating an otherwise normal-looking car as belonging to a police officer, veteran, diplomat, or some other such thing.  They are called organizational plates, and I for one see them all the time; rarely, though, do they excite me much.  However, I was driving to work the other day and I saw an organizational plate that truly impressed me.  It looked like this:

Now that is the kind of affiliation you want to brag about, vehicular-ly speaking.

I tailed the Barbershop Quartet Singer for a while, wanting to see if he looked like I pictured (handlebar mustache, vertical-striped shirt, suspenders, possibly in black and white), or if he was in fact en route to a barber shop.  The bad news was that he looked pretty normal and was just getting on the Beltway; the good news was that I was also getting on the Beltway, so following him didn't get me lost or make me late for work.

Anyway, when I got home that night I looked online for more information about the Barbershop Quartet plates and was sidetracked by the very interesting website of Andrew Pang, a Virginian who collects DC/MD/VA license plates.  I browsed his awesome lists of Maryland organizational plates and have come up with the following list:

The Top Five Maryland License Plates I Would Most Like to Have

5. Maryland Science Center plate

License plate with a dinosaur on it?  Want.

4. Optimist Club plate

It surprises me that they did not get a little more creative and throw a smiley face or something on this plate, but its bland institutional-ness kind of appeals to me.  It says, "Just because I'm in the Optimist Club doesn't mean I'm a cheese ball."  Totally true.

3. Square Dancing plate

 I keep trying to think of how to properly caption this or comment on it, but all I can think when I look at it is HELL YEAH.

2. Professional Disc Golf Association plate

Um, what don't I love about this plate?  It is the coolest thing ever. 

1. Ancient Order of Hibernians

 Apparently this is some sort of Irish fraternal organization, but it sounds cooler without the explanation.  I want to get this plate and make people think that I am part of some special tribe of humans who branched off from the evolutionary path and took up hibernation.  I could probably use it to get out of working during the winter.

Honorable Mentions:

American Massage Therapy Association

Um, sucio.  I get the feeling the person who owns this car works for one of those kind of massage places. 

La Leche League

Honk if you love breast milk.

Mayflower Descendants:

Poe's Crows Club

I'm not even going to Google what this is, because I don't want to be disappointed.  I'm just going to assume it involves re-enactments of Edgar Allen Poe stories.
 

Things That Have Made Me Feel Lame Recently

• Having sore arms from playing Wii baseball
• Realizing I still remember the names of all three Hanson brothers
• Uttering the following: "America's Next Top Model is a clip show tonight?  Damn!  My Wednesday is ruined!"
• Staying late at work to create three extra, non-required indexes for a document because secretly, I think making indexes is fun
• (While writing the above) Wondering at length whether it is cooler to say "indices" or "indexes"
• Using the phrase "it keeps me young"
• Liking a Miley Cyrus song

You know you do this too: you're going about your business, but then all of a sudden you stop and realize what you're doing (crying during Extreme Home Makeover, eating dinosaur chicken nuggets at the age of 25, explaining the concept of the Jonas Brothers to someone, should I go on?) is TOTALLY LAME.  And it like, snaps your life into perspective in a somewhat disarming way and makes you all, "Is this what I have become?  Am I really the kind of person who hems her pants with a stapler?"

Yes.  Yes, you are.  Sorry.