42 entries categorized "Lists"

A Comprehensive Ranking of the Past 10 World's Ugliest Dog Winners

Jezebel put up a slideshow of the past 10 World's Ugliest Dog winners the other day in honor of a new champion being crowned over the weekend. I thought I'd take a look at the field and rank them in order of cutest to WHYGODWHYest.

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CUTEST UGLIEST DOG: Pabst, 2009 Winner

I found Pabst to be the cutest winner of the past decade by far. 2009 must have presented a particularly weak field, because I find Pabst to be not just non-ugly, but rather cute. Sure, he's got a brutal underbite--but once you see some other past winners, you will wonder how this Pabst got his blue ribbon. Just like the beer.

2001nana

Gus, 2008 Winner

Awww. I love Gus. The combination of cute smile and permanent wink (albeit due to only having one eye) give this little guy something special. While Pabst is objectively less ugly, Gussy here is my fave of the bunch. I like his spark.

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Princess Abby, 2010 Winner

Next in the rankings is Princess Abby, a four-year-old chihuahua mix. To her credit, she's not even the ugliest thing in this picture. (Thank youuuu, sandals.)

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Nana, 2000-2001 Winner

Nana's a mess.

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Rascal, 2002 Winner

I stared at Rascal for soooooo long trying to figure out who he reminded me of, and then it hit me--the guy from Insane Clown Posse

Needless to say, it is a truly F-ed up competition when looking like that guy lands you on the cuter half of the rankings.

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Yoda, 2011 Winner

I think Yoda is the real tipping point in my personal rankings. The first few dogs were ugly; from here on out they are horrifying.


2001nana

Archie, 2006 Winner

Archie is a purebred Chinese Crested. Those in the know are aware that Chinese Cresteds have historically done very well in ugliest dog competitions. This is because the BEST Chinese Cresteds resemble Fraggles that have been in a horrible accident. It's not too hard to understand how things can get so bad when that is the starting point.

2001nana

Elwood, 2007 Winner

I had trouble deciding whether Elwood was uglier than Archie. It was the toughest differentiation I had to make in my rankings. Ultimately, Elwood emerged triumphant on the grounds that his face was that much smushier; his eyes, crustier and swollen shut; and his tongue, just that extra degree more shriveled and lolling. For these reasons, he represents a slight evolution in ugliness over Archie that is enough to make him the second ugliest dog of the entire past decade of winners. But, oh--just wait until you see number one.

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Sam, 2003-2005 Winner

Sam is epic. Sam is everything. Sam looks like if an already ugly, Satan-possessed dog walked into a burning building and emerged, hours later, singed and somehow still alive, charged with new evil powers and ready to take over the world. No dog can ever be uglier than Sam, and it is no wonder this champ won for three straight years before his death in 2005. He blows the other competition away. There is no place your eyes can rest on his tiny body that doesn't ellicit sheer horror. Every time you look at him, you notice something new and disgusting: his brittle, mangled ears with their white wisps of hair; his blind, soul-deadening eyes; his feeble, ratlike tail; the wrinkled, liver-spotted skin; the teeth! The warts! I could go on. The one small mercy this dog was granted was an inability to see himself. That probably added years to his life.

Sam lived to the ripe (there's another good Sam adjective) age of 14, and I think we can all agree that his time on this earth was well spent. I'm glad the World's Ugliest Dog competition existed to give him his rightful recognition, and I only wish there were further stages of competition--Ugliest Animal, Ugliest Mammal, Ugliest Living Organism, Ugliest Anything--for him to have climbed through. I'm fairly certain he could have placed respectably at any level of competition.

Rest in peace, little guy. You were sooooo, soooooo ugly.


The Seven Least Interesting People Articles of the Past Few Days

I kind of love reading entertainment/celebrity gossip headlines around major holidays, because that is when they are at their extreme dullest. Well, to be fair, I also like reading them all the other days of the year--I just get a certain other kind of enjoyment out of reading the headlines that come up on the slowest of news days. Here is a countdown of the most ridiculous ones from the past week:

7. The Bachelor: Inside Brad Womack's Stylish Texas Loft

You know that guy on that show you don't watch? You'll never guess where he buys his sheets!

6. "Lindsay Lohan Ready to Start the 'Rest of My Life'"

What a coincidence--I, too, have decided to proceed with my life in a chronological fashion. Trying to start the part of my life that is already over just got really annoying after a while.

5. Kellan Lutz's Slick New Hairstyle

Alternate title: "A Guy from Twilight Put Gel in His Hair"

4. New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys Reveal Their New Year's Resolutions

One of them wants to read more. I hope he starts with People.com.

3. Shania Twain is Married

I just really liked how this headline was written. I kind of expected the story to continue with, "She has been for a few years. But we're talking about it right now because the guy from Twilight washed the gel out of hair, so that story has kind of run its course, and . . . um . . . words!"

2. Valerie Bertinelli Has Star-Studded Wedding

We swear. It was positively studded by stars. Pretty much everyone who didn't get invited to Shania Twain's wedding was there.

1. Newly Single John Mellencamp has Low-Key New Year's Eve

This scorcher was the No. 1 story on the site for at least half of New Year's Day, making it a little harder for us to keep complaining that the mainstream media doesn't tell us enough about the approximate intensity levels of John Mellencamp's holiday celebrations.


Spawned by the Bell

FYI, Mario Lopez and his girlfriend Courtney had a baby this weekend. Her name is Gia Francesca Lopez--or, as I will call her, Italian Italian Lopez.  She is the second baby to be born to a Saved by the Bell cast member this summer (remember?). Friends, please take out your "Saved by the Bell Actors Who Are Now Parents" Bingo Cards and mark them accordingly.

(Note to self: Must make a "Saved By the Bell Actors Who Are Now Parents" Bingo Card. Tomorrow.)

Anyway, this all is really just background for my main point, which is that I have found my official favorite thing on Earth: this baby picture of Mario Lopez:
Mario_Baby_Picture_full
It was (for some reason) in one of the articles about his new baby. Is it not the most hilarious picture ever? It cracks. me. up. I can't even really figure out why I think it's so funny, but I have a few theories:

  1. The arms are so SO CHUBBY.
  2. He's so happy, and he doesn't even know he's Mario Lopez yet!
  3. Baby Mario Lopez looks SO undeniably like Adult Mario Lopez. I feel like I just unlocked him in Mario Kart.
  4. The concept of Mario Lopez every having been a baby is, in and of itself, hilarious.
  5. Baby Mario Lopez has, like, the most sensible and businesslike hairdo ever. It is simply impossible to believe that this infant would one day give birth to the Slater mullet.

Anyway, I hope we get a picture of Baby Italian Italian Lopex soon, so I can put it on the other side of the locket I now keep my Baby Mario Lopez picture in. (Maybekidding. You hope.)


Presidents Who Are Worth Less Than Justin Bieber

Today I read this very interesting article, in which The Atlantic calculated the net worth of each U.S. president* and then converted it to 2010 dollars. 

The net worth figures range from less than $1 million to nearly $1 billion, and the list is an interesting conversation piece that lends itself to many questions: How much should a president be worth?  Do richer people make better leaders?  Do they at least have better hair?  Do we even want our presidents to be rich?  Weren't politics way more interesting when we had guys like Lincoln who could be born in a log cabin and end up on the five dollar bill, anyway?

These are all interesting questions, and I have no intention of even beginning to answer them.  That would take hours!  Instead, I have set my sights on a far simpler question: How many presidents were worth less than Justin Bieber?

Before I give you the answer, take a minute to make a guess.  Forty-three men have served as president of our country; how many do you think possessed wealth in excess of what Justin Bieber has attained at his current age (16) and life status (hair comma ridiculous; singing talent comma questionable)?  Conversely, how many presidents have failed to achieve a net worth of Bieberian proportions? 

Please wager a guess while I dutifully insert a graphic with the intention of filling up a little space between this sentence and the answer.

  Hailtobieber

Ready?

According to my calculations, history has given us 27 presidents who were richer than Justin Bieber, and 16 who were not.

Let's break it down, shall we?

First off, I should explain that for the purposes of this blog post, I am using a figure of $5.5 million as Justin Bieber's estimated net worth.  That is the figure provided by celebritynetworth.com, which is a good enough source for me.  However, it may or may not be even remotely accurate, so take it with a presidential grain of salt.

That being said, here is a list of the 16 presidents who lived their lives under the Bieber line.  (Actually, one is still alive, so "lived" does not represent an entirely accurate choice of tense, but there but for the sake of not employing awkward constructions like "presidents who lived and/or are alive" go I.)

The Definitive List of Presidents Who Are Not Worth More Than Justin Bieber
(in Chronological Order)

1. William Henry Harrison (9th president; estimated net worth: $5 million)
2. Millard Fillmore (13th president; ENW: $4 million)
3. Franklin Pierce (14th president; ENW: $2 million)
4. James Buchanan (15th president; ENW: less than $1 million)
5. Abraham Lincoln (16th president; ENW: less than $1 million)
6. Andrew Johnson (17th president; ENW: less than $1 million)
7. Ulysses S. Grant (18th president; ENW: less than $1 million)
8. Rutherford B. Hayes (19th president; ENW: $3 million)
9. James A. Garfield (20th president; ENW: less than $1 million)
10. Benjamin Harrison (23rd president; ENW: $5 million)
11. William McKinley (25th president; ENW: $1 million)
12. William Howard Taft (27th president; ENW: $3 million)
13. Warren G. Harding (29th president; ENW: $1 million)
14. Calvin Coolidge (30th president; ENW: less than $1 million)
15. Harry Truman (33rd president; ENW: less than $1 million)
16. Barack Obama (44th president; ENW: $5 million)

Some observations:
  • The award for "Longest Unbroken Streak of Presidents Being Worth Less Than Justin Bieber" goes to presidents 13-20.  From 1850 to 1881, no president was worth more than Justin Bieber.
  • Justin Bieber's current net worth exceeds those of James Buchanan, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Ulysses S. Grant, and James A. Garfield combined.
  • While Obama stands a good chance of crossing the $5.5 million mark in the near-ish future, it is unlikely that Bieber's money-making days have ended.  We will all have to wait and see which man comes out on top when history has run its course.
  • Presidents are, of course, privy to all kinds of things that Justin Bieber is not.  I just can't think of any right now.
*As the article explains: "Because a number of presidents, particularly in the early 19th Century, made and lost huge fortunes in a matter of a few years, the number for each man is based on his net worth at its peak."

Retirement Planning

It came to my attention today that my projected early retirement date is May 18, 2043, a.k.a. INFINITY YEARS AWAY.  (Thank you, company HR system, for providing this mind-boggling information.)  Time to start planning!

Things I Can Maybe Do When I Stop Working in 2043

  1. Retire to jetpack community in Florida
  2. Spend more time with grand-bots
  3. Take up knitting . . . WITH MY MIND
  4. See parts of the country that have not fallen into the ocean
  5. Learn to play shuffleborg
  6. Quietly bide my time (approx. 15 minutes) till the Apocalypse

 Jetpack acres

Did I forget anything?  Let me know, because clearly I need to figure this out ASAP.


Cabinet Positions I Would Be Glad to Fill

  • Secretary of Cheetos and Jellybeans
  • Secretary of Puppy Pictures
  • Secretary of the Interior Monologue
  • Hot-torney General
  • Gnomeland Security Director (Jurisdiction: Fox attacks, mushroom housing, subsidization of pointy red hats)
  • Ecretary-say of Ig-pay Atin-lay
  • Chief of Apostrophes