LMNOP

Apparently, Bears Have Hair for a Reason

Today I read this article about some poor, sad female bears at a German zoo that have mysteriously lost all their hair.  This is how a normal spectacled bear looks:

And this is how they look bald:

In other words:

BEAR - HAIR = ELEPHANT BODY WITH HORRIFYING SATAN/DONKEY FACE

This disturbs me.  I did not think that bears would look awesome under their hair, but I didn't think they would look like that.  I mean, compared to this, hairless cats--which in reality look like they are mostly made from turkey slices and alien eyes--look downright cuddly.

OK, not cuddly.  But definitely not as bad.  Let's just say that hairless bears will never be invited to live with any of the Real Housewives of New Jersey anytime soon.

The Best Business Idea Since Jetpack Acres

Today I heard about this website, which allows you to sign up for something called a "Sockscription" program in which new socks are sent to you every couple of months.  For example, according to the pricing page, you can register to have three deliveries of men's calf socks (each delivery consisting of three pairs of socks) sent to you in a year.  The site even includes this helpful graphic to really spell out the concept:

Now, I am pretty scatterbrained.  Basic activities like grocery shopping can sometimes overwhelm me in ways a normal person would not believe.  But even I have never thought to myself, "Man--you know what?  I just cannot keep up with the demand of needing to buy new socks every six months or so.  It's like a landslide.  Just when you think you are set in the socks department, it could be as soon as half a year before you need more!"

So my questions are:

1. Who is actually using this Sockscription service?
2. What else can I try and sell these people?

The answer to question #1 is obviously "rich men with feet who are unable to cope with life."  As for question #2, I am currently brainstorming ideas for other things to sell to this market.  I think the first product I will launch is "Q-tipscription," a service that sends new boxes of Q-tips to subscribers every 18 months.  I will charge just $49.99 per year for this service, which is a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes with knowing exactly when your next box of cotton swabs is coming.  It could change the world.

Potential investors may contact Cathy Addison-Weemer for more information.

Aunt Jemima Is Probably Wondering What the Big Deal Is

As promised, Mrs. Butterworth's first name was announced Oct. 1 by the group that owns the brand.  Her name?  Joy.  According to this writeup, "Pinnacle sponsored a contest among consumers to guess the character’s first name and the winners are being announced along with the name . . . The winners each receive $500 and a year’s supply of Mrs. B’s syrup."

A year's supply of syrup?  Let's be honest, here: that is one bottle of syrup.  Probably less.  I don't think I have ever actually finished a bottle of syrup in my life without throwing it out first.  Even in my wildest dreams of syrup consumption, I can't imagine using more than three bottles in one year.

(I do not actually have any "wildest dreams of syrup consumption."  However, now that I have used that phrase, I am strongly in favor of Pinnacle having another syrup-related contest in which entrants must write an essay describing what the phrase "wildest dreams of syrup consumption" means to them.  I would imagine being on that judging panel for such a contest would be a hilarious and awesome career milestone for your average syrup company employee.)

Also: Mrs. Butterworth is now on Twitter.

I Write Vampire Books in a Van Down by the River

Because reading four 500-page vampire books already in 2009 is clearly not enough, my roommate and I are currently making our way through the Sookie Stackhouse novels (the books HBO's True Blood is based on).  These books are your typical story of mind-reading waitress meets vampire, but oh--there's a twist.  And the twist is that the author of these books looks exactly like Chris Farley.  Here is the picture that appears on the back inside-cover of the first book:

Whoa.  That is intense.  If writing books ever gets boring, this lady needs to team up with Chris Farley baby and go on a world tour.

Partner Needed for Project Involving Glory, Fame, and Considerable Palm-to-Palm Contact

For the past year or so I have been casually looking for a world record to try and break, because really--why not?  However, I had not set my sights on a reasonable record to attempt until today, when I happened to come across this article about two Australian men who recently broke the Guinness World Record for the longest handshake.  Their record-setting shake clocked in at around 12 hours, and honestly?  That seems SO doable.  Moving my arm up and down for 12 (or 13 now, I guess) hours?  Um, I can totally do that in the name of world record glory.

Obviously, though, I cannot do this alone; I need a partner for my record-shattering handshake endeavors.  Ideally, it needs to be someone someone with the determination of a tiger, the wrist strength of a lion, and the conversational skills of a magical talking bear (otherwise, we might get bored). If you fit this description and are interested in taking your handshake game to the world stage, contact me ASAP.  Include any relevant details about your experience with handshaking.  

I will also need a signed doctor's note stating that you have not tested positive for carpal tunnal syndrome in the past five years.

Passing Along without Comment

Spotted in Barnes & Noble (yes, Emily, your Barnes & Noble) over the weekend: a Twilight-themed SAT vocab book.

Awesome Rodents of the Day

One.

Two.

I Hope There Is a Textbook for This Class

Found while reading the Rockville rec catalogue last night:

The class is two. hours. long.

(And yes, I posted this to Twitter yesterday, but I'm re-posting it here because GUESS WHAT?  It's my blog and I make the rules.)

An Alarming Trend

Less than a month after Pizza Hut started playing with the lame-o nickname of "The Hut," Radio Shack is evidently rebranding as "The Shack."  Because apparently the best way to re-energize a brand is to give it a new name that follows the configuration of "THE + [ANY WORD MEANING 'CRAPPY DWELLING.']"

Which is why, starting next month, I am changing this blog's name to "The Shanty."  IT'S THE FUTURE, PEOPLE!!  GET ON BOARD!

Awards I Would Like to Give to Various Minor League Baseball Teams

Minor League baseball teams have some ridiculous names.  This is clearly a tactic designed to humiliate the players and make them want to practice really hard so they will get promoted to a major league team with a more normal name.  Or maybe it's not.  I don't really care.  I am giving them awards anyway.

Team with the Least Understanding of How Plural Nouns Work: The Buffalo Bisons

I'm pretty sure "bison" is already the plural form of "buffalo," so what does adding an 's' to an already-plural word do?  I guess it makes it a baseball team.  Or a baseballs teams.  Even more confusingly, the Bisons's's's' (I'm pretty sure that is grammatically correct in this situation) logo features just ONE buffalo.  To have even a prayer of being accurate, it should probably feature multiple herds of them.

Team That Sounds Most Like a Band Name: The Jupiter Hammerheads
Probably not a good band, though.

Vacuum Cleaner-iest: The Tri-City Dust Devils
Contrary to what you would think, the Tri-City Dust Devils' mascot is not a vacuum; it's a weird cyclone thing with devil horns.  This is a missed opportunity, if you asked me.  Tornadoes are hateable, unpredictable spells of nature at its worst; vacuums are sleek, fearful things that kill dust and scare dogs.  Clearly a wiser choice to model yourself after.

Team That Probably Sells the Most Merchandise to College Boys: The Modesto Nuts
This is what a Modesto Nuts jersey looks like:

How many 21-year-old guys do you know that would NOT want that??

Team That Sounds Most Like Something You Would Order at an IHOP: The Montgomery Biscuits
Um, BISCUITS?  This is possibly the best team name ever.  (Of course, I named my dog Pancake, so my bias for breakfast names is clearly showing.)

Most Likely to Have Outsourced Its Mascot-Naming Duties to a Seven-Year-Old on Acid: The Fort Wayne Tin Caps
Just hearing the team name of "Tin Caps," what would you picture their mascot as being??  The rusty top of an can, maybe?  Or a baseball hat made out of tin?  Did the words "AN APPLE WEARING A FREAKING POT ON ITS HEAD" happen to cross your mind?  No?  Maybe because you are not a small child on big drugs.

Biggest NERRRRRRRRRDS: The Albuquerque Isotopes
Their mascot is a giant, plush electron.  That should say it all.

Team That Probably Gets the Most Free Pool Shoes: The Everett AquaSox
You know what is a good thing to name a baseball team after?  Dorky shoes that fill up with water and make your feet really heavy.