LMNOP

Reptiles Having Good and Bad Days . . . of the Day

Winner Reptile of the Day:

The Breakdancing Turtle!

Loser Reptile of the Day:

The Crocodile That Got Eaten By a Badass Hippo.

Both images via Buzzfeed, the Internet's No. 1 source for Pictures of Reptiles Winning and Losing at Life on November 18, 2009.

Now I Really Want My Own World Record

I thought the World's Longest Handshake record seemed easily breakable, but that's nothing compared to the crap new record that was set yesterday in New York for the World's Largest Hot Chocolate.  The record setting cup came in at (ironic drum roll, please) . . .

FOUR GALLONS.  This is an actual picture of it:

(source)

It's pathetic, right?  Don't answer.  I already know this.  You know how I know?  BECAUSE ANY RECORD I CAN BREAK BY DUMPING 12 PACKETS OF SWISS MISS INTO A FULL BATHTUB IS PATHETIC.

Apparently, Bears Have Hair for a Reason

Today I read this article about some poor, sad female bears at a German zoo that have mysteriously lost all their hair.  This is how a normal spectacled bear looks:

And this is how they look bald:

In other words:

BEAR - HAIR = ELEPHANT BODY WITH HORRIFYING SATAN/DONKEY FACE

This disturbs me.  I did not think that bears would look awesome under their hair, but I didn't think they would look like that.  I mean, compared to this, hairless cats--which in reality look like they are mostly made from turkey slices and alien eyes--look downright cuddly.

OK, not cuddly.  But definitely not as bad.  Let's just say that hairless bears will never be invited to live with any of the Real Housewives of New Jersey anytime soon.

The Best Business Idea Since Jetpack Acres

Today I heard about this website, which allows you to sign up for something called a "Sockscription" program in which new socks are sent to you every couple of months.  For example, according to the pricing page, you can register to have three deliveries of men's calf socks (each delivery consisting of three pairs of socks) sent to you in a year.  The site even includes this helpful graphic to really spell out the concept:

Now, I am pretty scatterbrained.  Basic activities like grocery shopping can sometimes overwhelm me in ways a normal person would not believe.  But even I have never thought to myself, "Man--you know what?  I just cannot keep up with the demand of needing to buy new socks every six months or so.  It's like a landslide.  Just when you think you are set in the socks department, it could be as soon as half a year before you need more!"

So my questions are:

1. Who is actually using this Sockscription service?
2. What else can I try and sell these people?

The answer to question #1 is obviously "rich men with feet who are unable to cope with life."  As for question #2, I am currently brainstorming ideas for other things to sell to this market.  I think the first product I will launch is "Q-tipscription," a service that sends new boxes of Q-tips to subscribers every 18 months.  I will charge just $49.99 per year for this service, which is a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes with knowing exactly when your next box of cotton swabs is coming.  It could change the world.

Potential investors may contact Cathy Addison-Weemer for more information.

Aunt Jemima Is Probably Wondering What the Big Deal Is

As promised, Mrs. Butterworth's first name was announced Oct. 1 by the group that owns the brand.  Her name?  Joy.  According to this writeup, "Pinnacle sponsored a contest among consumers to guess the character’s first name and the winners are being announced along with the name . . . The winners each receive $500 and a year’s supply of Mrs. B’s syrup."

A year's supply of syrup?  Let's be honest, here: that is one bottle of syrup.  Probably less.  I don't think I have ever actually finished a bottle of syrup in my life without throwing it out first.  Even in my wildest dreams of syrup consumption, I can't imagine using more than three bottles in one year.

(I do not actually have any "wildest dreams of syrup consumption."  However, now that I have used that phrase, I am strongly in favor of Pinnacle having another syrup-related contest in which entrants must write an essay describing what the phrase "wildest dreams of syrup consumption" means to them.  I would imagine being on that judging panel for such a contest would be a hilarious and awesome career milestone for your average syrup company employee.)

Also: Mrs. Butterworth is now on Twitter.

I Write Vampire Books in a Van Down by the River

Because reading four 500-page vampire books already in 2009 is clearly not enough, my roommate and I are currently making our way through the Sookie Stackhouse novels (the books HBO's True Blood is based on).  These books are your typical story of mind-reading waitress meets vampire, but oh--there's a twist.  And the twist is that the author of these books looks exactly like Chris Farley.  Here is the picture that appears on the back inside-cover of the first book:

Whoa.  That is intense.  If writing books ever gets boring, this lady needs to team up with Chris Farley baby and go on a world tour.

Partner Needed for Project Involving Glory, Fame, and Considerable Palm-to-Palm Contact

For the past year or so I have been casually looking for a world record to try and break, because really--why not?  However, I had not set my sights on a reasonable record to attempt until today, when I happened to come across this article about two Australian men who recently broke the Guinness World Record for the longest handshake.  Their record-setting shake clocked in at around 12 hours, and honestly?  That seems SO doable.  Moving my arm up and down for 12 (or 13 now, I guess) hours?  Um, I can totally do that in the name of world record glory.

Obviously, though, I cannot do this alone; I need a partner for my record-shattering handshake endeavors.  Ideally, it needs to be someone someone with the determination of a tiger, the wrist strength of a lion, and the conversational skills of a magical talking bear (otherwise, we might get bored). If you fit this description and are interested in taking your handshake game to the world stage, contact me ASAP.  Include any relevant details about your experience with handshaking.  

I will also need a signed doctor's note stating that you have not tested positive for carpal tunnal syndrome in the past five years.

Passing Along without Comment

Spotted in Barnes & Noble (yes, Emily, your Barnes & Noble) over the weekend: a Twilight-themed SAT vocab book.

Awesome Rodents of the Day

One.

Two.

I Hope There Is a Textbook for This Class

Found while reading the Rockville rec catalogue last night:

The class is two. hours. long.

(And yes, I posted this to Twitter yesterday, but I'm re-posting it here because GUESS WHAT?  It's my blog and I make the rules.)