LMNOP

. . . And T-Shirt Makers Rarely Use Compound Modifiers

Aside from being a bizarre quote to find on a T-shirt in a camping store, this phrase has also been sllllightly butchered.  I know, because I have seen it employed correctly on Facebook profiles as a rationale for binge drinking!

I Think My Blue Shirt Quota for May 2009 Has Been Met

One day last week I decided to go shopping on my lunch break.  (I do this somewhat often, mostly because I am too antisocial to befriend coworkers and go out to lunch with them.)  While shopping, I tried on a blue shirt, because I recently made the decision to integrate more color into my wardrobe.  You see, as a direct consequence of my indecisiveness, about 90% of my wardrobe is made up of black shirts.  I get overwhelmed by the selection of colors available and am usually left with two options: just pick the black one, or have a nervous breakdown on the floor of the store.  As a result, I own more black clothing than a teenage goth shoplifter.

Anyway, this blue shirt was nice, and it fit.  I did get a weird feeling of deja vu while trying it on, but I chalked that up to the fact that I was in this particular store for the third time in one week.  I bought the shirt and went back to work feeling quite pleased with myself for making so much progress on The Great Wardrobe Diversification of 2009.  My wardrobe now included blue!  I resolved that Blue Shirt would make its debut on the coming Casual Friday.  Life was good.

So Casual Friday came and went, and the blue shirt was broken in according to plan.  That night, I threw the it down at the foot of my bed, where it could start getting to know the other 14 garments on my floor.  (I like my clothes to be able to get to know each other this way, as opposed to being in a stiff, formal environment like a closet or drawer.)

I didn't think about the blue shirt again until Sunday night, when I was scouring the floor of my closet looking for something suitable to wear kayaking Monday.  As I rummaged through the various articles of clothing on the closet floor, I came across the blue shirt.  This puzzled me, because I could distinctly remember throwing it on the ground at the foot of my bed on Friday night. How was it now in my closet?   Was my crazy, 26-year-old mind starting to fail already? 

I checked at the foot of the bed, and saw that the blue shirt was very much still there.  I felt momentarily relieved that I had not, in fact, hallucinated the memory of putting it there--that is, until I realized that I had definitely bought two of the same shirt.  Holding one in each hand, the memory came rushing back--I had bought Bue Shirt the First about three weeks ago, and then worn in on--you guessed it--Casual Friday.  That was the reason for the feeling of deja vu I got when I tried on Blue Shirt the Second.

So the good news is, I have two identical blue shirts now; this will undoubtedly come in handy if I ever spontaneously generate a twin.  Unfortunately, the bad news is that I am a wacko nutjob who is so absentminded she bought the same exact shirt twice in one month.  And I have to say, buying a series of identical blue tops is not the great diversification I had in mind when I decided to start mixing things up, wardrobe-wise.

Since I can't really do anything to fix this problem, I've been thinking about what I can do to prevent the same mishap from occurring again, because I really don't think my budget can handle me double-buying every piece of clothing I come across.  Something tells me that "BUY EVERYTHING IN DUPLICATE" is not the savviest motto to live by in a failing economy.

Every Photo of Me Must Now Be Shot from This Angle

Last week the place I visited in Philadelphia had a front desk security guard that was, by far, the laziest I have ever seen in my life.  However, this resulted in a visitor badge that was, also by far, the best I have ever had the privilege of wearing.  Behold:

There are many wonderful things about this badge, like the fact that he did not bother to type out my whole name or enter a primary contact, but clearly the real showstopper is that gorgeous photo.  The Matrix-like effect you see going on was produced by the innovative photographic technique of not caring enough to pick the camera up off his desk and point it at me, and it is certainly a technique I will employ in the future whenever I want to look like that special combination of giant, gangsta, and first floor education center visitor.

10/6/08: The Day the World Said, "Oh, Shit!"

This was the lead image on the washingtonpost.com site all day today, running alongside such headlines as "Stocks Plummet Worldwide," "World Markets in Free Fall," and "OMG, the Economy is, Like, Dunzo."

As you can see, the photos here are pretty simple: at bottom, some finance guy is saying "Shiiiiiiit;" at top, another finance guy is giving the international symbol for "Seriously, the markets are so bad that I just threw up in my mouth a little."  They were pulled from a larger set (which you can view in its entirety here) showing more of the same from around the world.  For example, here's the "Oh, shit" finance face in India:

And here's what it looks like in China:

Germany:

It's like stock photography from a parallel universe where everyone is sad.  They're dressed exactly like the generic businesspeople on brochures and websites, but looking like someone pissed in their cornflakes x 1000.

Speaking of it being a small world, I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Orlando for another business trip.  I'll be back Thursday, but hopefully I'll be able to check in before then and let you know if my hotel has any elevators masquerading as doors.

Genius Moment of the Week

This one will be hard to beat.  Yesterday, after parking at Target and setting my keys on top of the car while I arranged my purse, I actually forgot to take my keys with me into the store.  That's right--I just left them sitting on top of my car, out in the open, for over an hour while I shopped.I didn't realize what I had done until I got back to my car and there they were, glistening in the sun. 

At first I was amazed that neither my car nor anything in it was stolen, but after putting a little more thought into it I've decided that maybe I've accidentally stumbled upon an innovation in car safety.  I mean, think about it: who is going to steal a car in a situation like that?  Even the dumbest thief has to assume it's some kind of setup, right?

Either way, I'm pretty impressed with myself.  For years I thought I was dumb every time I locked my keys inside my car, but this was even worse.

10 Reasons to Cringe

If you have a few minutes to commit to watching all the various clips, this look at 10 terrible celebrity interviews is very worthwhile indeed.  Ben sent it to me the other day and I proceeded to watch every single one.

A good many of these are painfully awkward, from the college reporter in #10 who is interviewing John Cusack under the mistaken impression he was in American Beauty, to the extremely tense Tom Green clip at #2.  #8 is the Tracy Morgan clip that I love, the one where he goes on a daytime talk show in Texas and predicts that at some point during his two days in the state, "Somebody's gonna get pregnant."

Our Target Demographic is Women Who Don't Understand the Word "Dramatization"

Behold, the ad for the new Maybelline Volume Seduction XL Lip Plumper (click to enlarge):

Can we zoom in, please?

Gee, thanks, Maybelline.  Despite such clever lines as "The proof is in the pout," I didn't really get the concept of lip plumping until you explained it with this picture that is evidently not even of what your product actually does.

How fake must that picture be for them to have had to label it as a 'dramatization?'  I thought they could get away with any amount of editing and retouching as long as they had actually used the product.

Actual Thing Said to Me By a Palm Reader Last Night

"You're going to be traveling sometime soon."

"Well, I'm planning a cruise . . ."

"Yes, a cruise.  On . . . water."

Wow, funny you should say that, Ms. Psychic, because I was actually planning on going on a Land Cruise.  Or maybe a Jello cruise.  Or even an Orange Juice cruise.  But water?  No way.  You are so busted.

Incidentally, she also incorrectly guessed my relationship status and job situation, but when she told me I was a good person and would be very happy and well-off all my life, I was like, damn--this lady's good.

An Important Non-Change to Your Plan

I received the following message as an insert in my GapCard bill this month:

You will now earn 5 points for every $1 you spend at Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy and piperlime.com.  Once you reach 1,000 points, or spend $200, we'll send you a $10 Reward Certificate.

Old Rewards Program:
$1 = 1 Reward Point
1 Reward Point x 200 = $10 Reward Certificate

New Rewards Program:
$1 = 5 Reward Points
5 Reward Points x 200 = $10 Reward Certificate

So . . . what?  I had to read it five times before I understood what it meant.  Here's the translation--

Dear Gap Customer,

[NOTHING]

Sincerely,

The Gap

Gap points have the exact same value now as they did before.  The ratio of dollars spent to dollars earned is the same.  The number of generic knit tops and clearance jeans I buy will continue to earn me Gap rewards at the same exact rate they always have.  NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Whatever.  In other news, thanks for your comments on yesterday's post.  One of you hit the correct answer on. the. nose.  I will wait until tomorrow to reveal who though, because I felt it was more important to use today's post to rant about Gap points.  Obvi.

Lip Gloss Audit Update

In January I challenged you all to catch me with more than five lip products in my purse at a time so as to help me stick to my New Year's Resolution to limit the number of lip glosses I carry around.  Since then I have passed a few Lip Gloss Audits and failed a few more; last week I chalked up one more for the failures column.

My friend Matt called the audit while we were at trivia night with a few friends, and they all looked on as I pulled the following out of my purse:

1 Clinique Butter Shine Lipstick in Praline
1 Stila Long Wear Lip Color in Exquisite
1 Stila Lip Glaze in Black Cherry
1 Stila Lip Glaze in Mandarin Mist
1 Lancome Juicy Tube in Touched by Light
1 DuWop Venom Gloss in Buttercup
1 Neutrogena MoistureShine Soothing Lip Sheer in Cool Nectar
1 Neutrogena MoistureShine Tinted Lip Balm in Glow
1 Wet n Wild Glassy Gloss Lip Gel in Candy Glaze
1 Tarte Lip Pencil Combo in Rock Star
1 Get Real Lemons Lip Balm
1 Sephora Professionnel Most Complete Lip Balm

--for a total of 12 products and one complete failure.

On the bright side though, I would like to mention that I have made sustainable progress on this resolution--it has been a full eight months since I made my resolution and I now have nine fewer lip glosses in my purse than I did then.

Regardless, I still owed money to Matt's charity of choice, as the rules of my resolution require me to make a donation on behalf of any auditor who catches me red-handed.  What's worse, Matt reminded me that he audited me a few months back and I never paid up, so I actually owed him a $10 contribution ($5 each for two failed audits).

Matt chose to direct the money to the University of Iowa Dance Marathon, which is actually a pretty freakin sweet charity (check it out!).  I paid that earlier this week and forwarded Matt a copy of my confirmation e-mail as proof.

With just a few short months to go before 2007 ends and this resolution is no longer up for audit, I encourage you all to challenge me in the weeks ahead.  As an end-of-the-year special, I will even allow out-of-state/country LMNOP fans to audit me by e-mail (lmnopmail@gmail.com) if they so choose.  I promise I will respond truthfully with the number of lip glosses I have in my purse at the time I receive your e-mail and, if it's more than five, I will donate $5 to the charity of your choice.

Now it's time to go clean out my purse.