DC, who wrote the lovely piece you are about to read, is attending college in Iowa right now and therefore has the distinction of being the most geographically remote LMNOP correspondent. He also has a very good sense of humor, which came in handy this summer when a child at the camp we worked at together got confused and peed on him.
So that's the background info on DC. Enjoy the article!
Lauren asked me to write about Waffle Day for this installment of LMNOP. According to my research, National Waffle Day is August 24th, and International Waffle Day is March 25th. We need two waffle days to make sure the whole world is covered? I can’t imagine many Chinese going down to Roscoe’s to celebrate. Since I only recognize American holidays, I’m sending her this post so she can run it on its proper American day, five months from now. Those foreigners can keep their international waffles. Also, Lauren handed me this assignment with the warning that this is “the most challenging assignment I have.” Lauren, nobody likes a liar. I just read 5 whole days of science bullshit and you have me writing about pancakes with syrup traps. Moving on.
Quoting mrbreakfast.com: “March
25th the women of Sweden would set aside their winter tasks like chopping wood and knitting, and began
their spring tasks... the most notable of which was preparing waffles.” I think I saw this same explanation on
“swedensucks.com.” If you thought
waffles were Belgian, think again. Do
the research I couldn’t be troubled to do. Good ol’ National Waffle Day, in August, celebrates the anniversary of
the patent of the waffle iron. Cornelius
Swartout, a New York
resident, received his patent in 1869. Like anyone who lived in a former slave state, I appreciate the goodness that a comes in the form of a Waffle House. However, I don’t appreciate the hiring practices of the tastiest franchise in the confederacy. I imagine the interview to be a server goes a little something like this:
Manager: So, Doris, what makes you think
you’re qualified to work at the Waffle House?
Doris: Well, I’m 60 years old and I’ve never waited tables before.
Manager: You’re already over-qualified. Do you have some sort of balding disorder?
Doris: Of course.
Manager: How many of your own teeth are still in your head?
Doris: Just thirteen.
Manager: Are they between yellow and brown?
Doris: Like a baker’s dozen popcorn kernels.
Manager: You’re really blowing me away here. I’ve already noticed your productive, hacking cough. Are you still smoking two packs a day to make sure it keeps?
Doris: Three packs a day, Clint.
Manager: Welcome aboard! Let me get you a hairnet and a smock. Go introduce yourself to that child-molester looking fellow we have working the grill and the illegal immigrant we pay below minimum wage.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the coolest thing about waffles: the awful waffle. For those of you who lived in an Osama-esque cave during your formative years, the awful waffle was a running gag on the Nickelodeon show “Salute Your Shorts.” It was some sort of cruel and humiliating punishment. Though we never actually see Bobby Budnick, Donkey Lips, Ug, or any of the other less popular characters perform an awful waffle, we’re left to imagine that it involves a tennis racquet, maple syrup, and sodomy. Why, what kind of stuff happened at your summer camp?
1. Who would you rather: Michael Stein (new kid) or Ronnie Pinskey (replaced new kid in season 2)?
2.International House of Pancakes: A gateway to international tolerance, or an affront to American values?
3. Would you hire Doris to work in your greasy diner? What about Betty, Ethel, Mae, Sandy, or anyone else with a grandma name?