LMNOP

I’m often asked, “Well sure, Matt, anyone can understand basic scientific principles such as iPods, water, scientists, and dinosaurs, but that’s because those are all happening right now—but what will happen with the future of science?”  I cannot stress what an excellent question this is.  No, seriously, I can’t stress it, because it is NOT an excellent question—it is a smartass question that undermines the authority of hardworking scientists everywhere.

So even though these wannabe scientists are clearly sipping the hate-o-rade (which chemically is 2 parts hydrogen, 1 part oxygen, 1 part smarm), allow me to answer this question. 

First, and I cannot stress this enough, the future of science will NOT consist of the following things: 

a) time machines;

b) killer robots;

c) regular robots; or

d) people living on the moon. 

This is because science hates clichés.  Also, the future of science will not consist of inventing killer clone armies.  This will be unnecessary because we already have the North Koreans.

However, several disciplines will see significant changes in the years to come.  For example:

Zoology:  The future of zoology (which is Latin for “the study of zoos”) will focus primarily on creating hilarious pets, such as a cow the size of a dog or a bear that can fit in the palm of your hand.  Paris Hilton will carry around a tiny giraffe everywhere.

Biology:  We will finally realize, as a nation, that there is nothing left to learn by cutting open a frog.  “Enough already with the cutting open of the frogs,” a particularly sarcastic Secretary of Education will likely proclaim.  Likewise, we will stop collecting insects and pinning them in cardboard boxes, thus critically injuring our cardboard box industry and our pin industry.  Shortly after these two practices become obsolete, no one will be able to remember any other reason to study biology, and middle schoolers will just get a second lunch period.

Nuclear Geophysical Quantum Oceanography: If I even began to tell you what this will entail, Einstein would literally shit himself in his grave.  So let’s be safe and just note that this is something to look out for on the scientific horizon. 

Outer Space: Upon closer inspection, we will learn that outer space, with all of its vastness, grandeur, and mystery, really isn’t that interesting at all.  It is called “space” for a reason, and that’s because it is just a bunch of empty space.  However, we will discover a whole bunch of new moons, and since we are running out of Greek Gods, we will name them after hockey players.  “If the light is right tonight, Timmy, we might be able to see Callisto, Europa, and Gordie Howe,” is something a scientist will say. 

So basically, science is something that is easy to predict.  All you have to do is look for something that you want to happen, such as hilarious pets or quantum oceans, and some scientist will do it, usually for cheap since scientists are poor.  And with disciplines like physics or chemistry, the only changes that will happen in the future are things that you wouldn’t understand anyway, so from your perspective nothing will change. 

And this concludes our celebration of science week.  I sincerely hope you have a greater understanding of how science relates to your world, because otherwise the National Science Council will have my ass on a scientific platter.  In case you forgot anything, here are some review questions of the central principles we discussed that you need to know if you ever want to be half the scientist I am. 

Review Test:

1. What is the true   meaning of Jurassic Park?  Explain.
2. Have you seen the   movie Waterworld?  Why or why not?
3. Who invented text   messaging?  What about creationism?
4. Who wrote “Take   it To Da House,” and did it make you want to get up out yo’ seat?
5. Did I really use   the term “Crustacean Scientist” in one of these articles?    Why or why not?  And if so, come I didn’t think to reference   Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama, who really is a crustacean scientist?