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Hot, Lazy August is Hot, Lazy Here

This Just In: You Get What You Pay For!

First, just letting you know that the saga of the poor internet connection at my parents' house continues.  However, I move into my new apartment on Tuesday so I will have no excuse not to resume my regular posting schedule at that point (or as soon as my own internet connection is set up). 

So, a few months ago I was bored and browsing the Internet on my phone and I signed up to have Sprint's free joke of the day text messaged to my phone.  And yes, it really is free, it's not one of those Jamster things that charge you $.99/day.  "Standard messaging fees" do apply, of course, but I get 500 text messages a month included in my plan so I'm not paying any extra for this service.

And THANK GOD FOR THAT.  These jokes are horrible.  Every day around 8:15 a.m., another shitty joke is sent to my phone for me to read and be amazed at.  Like, these jokes aren't just not funny or not clever.  They're--well, read today's:

Joe, how did you hurt your foot?
I hurt it from soccer
I didn't know you played soccer!
I don't but kicked the wall when France lost the World Cu

OK, this joke is awful.  First of all, it appears to have been typed by a five-year-old child.  (World Cu?)  Secondly, I get the point of the joke, but who would say such an awkwardly-worded sentence as "I hurt it from soccer?"  A joke isn't really good if you had to use stilted speech to make it work.

When I first realized how bad these jokes were, I realized I should probably go and cancel the service.  But I forgot how to get back to the site where I ordered them, and now I kind of want to keep getting them just to see how unbelievably awful they are.

Some other gems in my recent text messaging history:

What is the most important lesson to learn in chemistry class?
Never lick the spoon or sip the beaker!

Come on.  Not even a scientist (paging Sean Sheffler-Collins) would think that was funny, and they love jokes about themselves!

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

What? Violins have strings attached to them before you start playing the "sweet music" as well.  This makes no sense. 

What do you call a fear of bouncy, jubilant people?

Ooh, making fun of Starbucks--that's creative.  If it were 1998.

As you can see, these jokes aren't even the kind of "so-bad-they're-good" fare that is occasionally entertaining.  These are straight up bad in the kind of way that makes me  wonder if they are generated by an old Russian computer or that guy who writes Garfield. 

Whatever.  Click to continue if you want some behind-the-scenes action.

Background info:
The preceeding post was actually written a couple days ago, but I lost my connection before I could post it.  In the two days since, I have actually had to replace the phone mentioned in this post because I dropped it into a cup of Diet Coke and it died.  Now, instead of complaining about getting shitty jokes texted to my nice phone, I am instead more focused on complaining about the shitty phone I had to buy because phones are outrageously expensive when you're not buying them in conjunction with a new plan.  But I won't say any more about it, because it would just be one of those cliched blogger rants.


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i think it's funny that you assume your readers will unquestioningly accept the fact that you dropped your phone into soda.



yo hobag, post those pixles from Caitlars partay.

also want me to be your french correspondent? i'm availz.

Matt Price

Having penned an award-winning 5-part series about scientists, I can assure you that a scientist would not only fail to find that chemistry joke funny, he (or she--nah just kidding, he) would point out that in fact the most important lesson to learn in a chemistry class is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.

Matt Price

or at least, so I've heard from other scientists


Your Sprint jokes remind me of the Family Circus. There hasn't been a joke in one of those since, I don't know, ever, but I still read it every day just to get angry at the world. DAMN YOU FAMILY CIRCUS! Also, I'm so happy someone else thinks Garfield is a waste of space. I read a blog about how every Garfield strip would be funnier if the cat's thought bubbles were erased. Think about that the next time you read it.

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