LMNOP

A while ago I did a post asserting that most celebrity fashion choices are not actually ugly, they're just worn in the wrong setting; an outfit that may be inappropriate for Brooke Shields to wear to Dolce, for example, could still look great on a caveman.  I decided to post similarly about some celebrities' outfit choices for the recent Emmy awards.  In each of the following examples, I will give you an example of a celebrity whose Emmy outfit bombed, and then I will helpfully suggest a better place for her to wear it in the future.

First, we have Paula Abdul.  Paula routinely ends up on worst-dressed lists, and this look shows that she remains quite comfortable with that:

Speaking of 'comfortable,' this outfit reminds me of something: a couch.  In fact, I would like to hereby recommend to Ms. Abdul that this would be the perfect piece for her to wear next time she has one of those awkward "too much Vicodin, even for me" moments at a party, says something embarrassing, and invokes the quintessential sixth-grade angst mantra, "I wish I could just blend into the furniture."  Problem solved.

Is this Allison Janney, or Jane Kaczmarek?

I couldn't be bothered to check.  I'm far too busy scanning this photo for the rearing bull that must be somewhere in the near vicinity of this outfit.  Because frankly, it takes a lot less work in this day in age to not look like a matador than it does to--wait!  There he is!

Tyra ended up on some worst-dressed lists and some best-dressed lists with this one, and I can only imagine that the people who liked this gown are subconscious dendrophiliacs.  Let's be honest, Ty Ty looks like a tree tree.

She doesn't look like like just any tree, though; rather, she looks like the girl who auditioned for the middle school play, then cried because she got cast as a tree, then told her mom how upset she was.  After that, Mom saw an opportunity to teach her daughter a lesson about self confidence and poise, so she gave her daughter a speech about how she may be embarrassed that she didn't get to be Cinderella, but sometimes that's how life goes and frankly, honey, it doesn't say nowhere in that book that the trees in the forest weren't the tallest, hottest, prettiest, most special characters in the book, so you know what we're going to do?  We're going to make you the prettiest tree ever, and you're going to steal the show, because you're my daughter and you were not made to stand in the background while some bitch steals your thunder. 

Way to go, Tyra.  You sure showed that girl.

Tracey Gold's outfit has me conflicted; the color says Peter Pan, but the cut is all Tinkerbell. 

And who would have thought that when you combined those two whimsical characters, you would get this result--a  weird, ugly dress with the kind of vertical-hangy straps that adorned Roman military costumes.  But way sluttier.  So let's put this ancient Roman hooker where she belongs: in front of the Colosseum, waiting for her next customer.

Well, enjoy your Friday night.  I'll be back tomorrow to put up the September design, and maybe on Monday I'll do a 'Wrong Backdrop' analysis of the VMAs.  I was looking through the pictures today, and some of those outfits make Paula Abdul's upholstrosity (upholstery monstrosity) look downright, well . . . not good, but, like, better.