Due to time constraints resulting from my trip around the world, I didn't get to do any Photoshopping of the outfits from last night, but I couldn't resist recapping the outfits in some way. This time I went with the good old "numbered list of mean comments" format. May God help us all.
1. We'll start off with one of the most disturbing dresses of the night--that of Nicolette Sheridan. Despite the awkward black ties, this dress isn't that bad until you get about 95% of the way down and it appears to be taken over by an F5 tornado. Seriously, remember that part in Twister where Bill Paxton and/or Helen Hunt is/are explaining how the most fierce tornadoes are accompanied by massive, deadly, black swarming clouds of debris, and that is what will really kill you? Well, that's also what will kill your outfit.
OK, I guess I understand that Nicolette Sheridan isn't hiding a tornado under her dress. More realistically, she is probably hiding . . .
2. . . . Penelope Cruz.
3. I'm not sure who dressed Jennifer Love Hewitt, but if I had to fathom a guess I would say Ferrero Rocher.
4. Jada Pinkett-Smith was pretty much unanimously praised for this dress, which confuses me:
Am I the only one who thinks it looks like that thing was made by layered strips of raw chicken? I think I am just getting tired of all these tiered dresses.
5. With Renee Zellweger, the problem is never what she's wearing so much as the fact that she always looks like she's in horrible pain.
Every photo I have ever seen of her looks like it should be captioned "Eeeeeeeeeeehn."
6. I love Evangeline Lilly, and maybe in a way I even love this dress. But objectively, it also looks like something a child extra on Barney would be wearing.
7. You know what would be an awesome complement to my evening gown? A sheriff's star belt buckle!
8. I believe I mentioned earlier on in this post that I am growing tired of tiered dresses. That's one strike already against Cameron Diaz here.
So there's that, yes, but I'm also concerned about how much this dress reminds me of one of those crocheted toilet paper doll things you're supposed to put over your spare roll.
8. Do you think Cameron Diaz maybe ran into the girl in the picture below and they made eye contact and had this awkward moment that was all like "Hmm, your dress looks kind of like mine, but if it were scruchified and slightly repurposed to include a bunch of dangling cat toys?"
9. Sometimes I wonder how Beyonce can do ridiculous poses like this while maintaining a straight face. In this case, though, I think she may have actually just frozen into place this way when her assistant was spraying all of that gold paint over her hair, skin, shoes, and dress.
Know who was workin' it, though? Melora Hardin, aka Jan Levinson (formerly Levinson-Gould), aka a personal favorite actress of Cathy Addison Weemer's:
Get down, girl. You lookin' foiiiine tonight.