New Year's Resolution Update
The Shows You Watch When You Don't Have Cable

LMNOP Movie Unviews: We Don't Watch 'Em, So You Have To

Jonathan, The Bathtub's newest contributor, debuted his feature "Critically Reclaimed" today.  Each week he will be reviewing a random thing of his choosing.  Reading Jonathan's post today reminded me that I, too, occasionally review (OK, more like summarize) things: movies I haven't seen yet.

Here's another set of movies that I haven't seen yet (and, in most cases, don't really intend to see), summarized based on commercials I've seen, impressions I've gathered, and movie stills from imdb.com.

Premonition

Premonition1

Sandra Bullock: Remember that movie I did kind of recently with, um, I think it was Keanu Reeves?  And I was like in love with him, but we were existing in like parallel universes across time or something?  Yeah, well I guess I'm kind of into the whole freaky mindf*ck thing now, because my new movie is basically a regurgitation of those themes.  It involves me looking confused a lot while I wonder if my huzzie is really dead or something.  Don't I do confused well?

Premonition2

Sandra Bullock: Yeah, I guess that's kind of my thing right now, but--

Premonition3

Julian McMahon: Sandra.  It's me, your co-star Julian McMahon.

Sandra Bullock: Oh, hey!  I was just explaining our movie.

Julian McMahon: I'm hot.

300

3001

YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! GLOORRRRRRRY!

3002

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

3003

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

3004

ROMANTIC SUBPLOT?

3005

YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!  BACK TO THE FIGHTING AND THE GLORY!

[Everybody dies.  Fade to black.]

Black Snake Moan

Blacksnake1

Christina Ricci: LOOK AT ME.  Can't you see that I need help?

Blacksnake2

Samuel L. Jackson: Well hey, fortunately I have a two-step program to cure you of your sexual addiction and emotional problems.  First, I chain you to my radiator.

 

Blacksnake3

Christina Ricci: What?  This is nuts!

Samuel L. Jackson: Wait, stay with me.  Step Two is that I heal you with my music.

 

Blacksnake4

Christina Ricci: Hey, I think this is working!

Samuel L. Jackson: Oh, also--somewhere in the process you will definitely need to take a shower.

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KELLYq

300 : "METAL MESH UNDERPANTS"

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