The other day Kelly commented to me, "I think one of your talents is
that you are really good at becoming invested in crappy network TV
shows." Sweet, I'll rank that right up there with "knack for making
any situation awkward," "aptitude for buying lip gloss," and "ability
to sleep through anything." Who needs to be able to sing, dance, or
draw when you can be blessed with such truly useful skills as mine?
It's true, though. I have been without cable for six months
now, ever since I moved into my apartment and couldn't believe that
regular old standard cable was going to cost me $55 a month. This was
a $55 increase over the previous rate I had been paying for cable at my
parents' house and in college, so I was understandably shocked. My
roommate was similarly appalled, and she and I both decided that we
would enter an experimental phase of living without cable. We figured
we'd just see how long we could go without it.
Our cheap "basic cable package," which comes at a more
manageable $14.95/month, comes with 31 channels. That would be a small
number even if they were all good channels, but alas, they are not.
The breakdown is more like this:
So I've had to mine the five watchable channels pretty vigorously. Here are my favorite treasures so far:
Wife Swap, ABC Monday, 8 p.m.
Each
week, two new families representing the most extreme polar opposites on
a given spectrum (the super religious family and the super-atheist
family! The rural farm family and the sophisticated city family!)
switch Moms for two weeks. Without fail, the newly transplanted Moms
are shocked--shocked--to
see that ABC has matched them with families that are the complete
opposite of their own (it's almost like they're trying to set everyone
up for controversy!).
Here's
how it always plays out: both families spend the first 45 minutes of
the show making absolutely no attempt to show tolerance of or
understanding for the new Mom's way of life, and the new Mom goes
through the full cycle of an emotional breakdown in front of our eyes.
Then, the last 15 minutes of the show feature each of the families
forging a tenuous truce with New Mommy and halfheartedly promising that
"thanks to you, this family's going to start recycling/pray more/clean
our floors!"
Super Nanny, ABC Monday, 9 p.m.
This
comes on right after Wife Swap on Monday nights, ensuring that I start
of the week with more than enough examples of why nobody should ever
have children or start a family. Where Wife Swap starts off by showing
how insane and obnoxious parents are, Super Nanny picks up and reminds
us that kids are pretty damn terrible as well. This show has added at
least five years to the minimum age at which I intend to give birth to
any children. Which I guess means it's up to 95 now.
America's Next Top Model, The CW Wednesday, 8
p.m.
Now
in its eighth cycle, this show continues to be television's top
provider of two things: dumb girl histrionics and opportunities to
marvel at the self-consumed Tyra Banks, who gets 200% more removed from
reality with each episode.
Lost, ABC Wednesday, 10 p.m.
OK,
so do you remember that little handheld game called "Lights Out?" It
was always impossible for me to win at that game, and I hated how it
always seemed like the only way to get one of the lights to go off was
to trigger, like six of its surrounding lights. I would always quit
with more lights on than I had started with. Watching Lost has
started to become like playing that game, because every time they
"solve" one of the show's mystery they introduce another little set of
them. But I can't stop watching, because I'm way more emotionally
invested in Lost than I ever was in some dumb puzzle.
The Office, NBC Thursday, 8:30 p.m.
Speaking of emotionally invested, may God bless
The Office. That's all I have to say about this one.
Grease: You're the One That I Want, NBC Sunday, 8
p.m.
I
would be embarrassed about this, but I'm too busy tapping my toes
to the music! I have no idea why I like this show (I don't even watch American Idol)
but I do. It's not because the contestants are particularly
enthralling--check out the first paragraph of Sandy-wannabe Ashley's lame NBC bio:
Ashley is a small-town girl who loves chocolate (she even hides it in
her room in case she's having a craving in the middle of the night!),
old movies with Fred Astaire and says she's closest to her mom, Molly.
Molly claims that Ashley came out singing and dancing.
Sweet! I'm dying to read more.
So
yeah, not sure why this show appeals to me so much. But then again,
who knows why Danny liked Sandy so much? Or why she liked him? Unless
that was made really clear in the movie--I don't think I actually ever
even saw it.
Friends, The CW weekdays, 7 and 7:30 p.m.
I'm really into watching Friends right
now, because they're airing a bunch of episodes that I missed during my
freshman or sophomore year of college when I was obsessed with Survivor for
a minute. And of course, the old episodes with Skinny Chandler and Big
Rachel Hair are always a treat as well. A solid dinnertime choice.
Jeopardy, ABC weekdays, 7:30 p.m.
Obvi.
Well,
the end of this story is not going to be me saying that I don't think
I'll ever need premium cable again
because I've found such joy with basic. That's just not true. I do
miss VH1 and E! and Bravo all my other friends, and I look forward to
having them back someday. I am, however, quite pleased at how
survivable my life has been without them. I'm more courageous than I thought.
