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20 posts from June 2007

This Week In Internet: Don't Have Too Much Beer on a Stick or You Might Fall Into a Concrete Mixer

Mark Paul Gosselaar's son is his spitting image.

"A Philadelphia couple . . . will take their sweet communication skills to another level as the only words the two can exchange for a month will be printed on M&M's."  Apparently M&Ms is going to give them $1000 for each day they make it without talking, so they can earn up to $31,000.  This, to me--and please picture me shuffling through a gigantic bag of M&Ms and then placing each of these words in front of you to slowly, inexorably make my point--seems like

    [Bag shuffle]
    [Bag shuffle]
    [Bag shuffle]
    [Bag shuffle]
    [Bag shuffle]
    [Bag shuffle]

This one's for Clanky: The 10 Hottest Movie Robots.

"Because of a transmission error, a film review yesterday about 'Live Free or Die Hard' misstated the critic's description of the plot. It should have been described as 'logic-defying,' not 'logic-defined.'"

It looks like a zebra wearing white long sleeved Under Armor or something.

My favorite innovations this week:

Headline of the week: Drunk woman fell in concrete mixer.

K, I'm off to go try and find me a pet zorse.  See you Monday.

Rubbermaid Bins Now Come With Free Parenting Advice on the Lid


I just know there's got to be a better caption for this image than "Warning: Suffocation Risk."  I'm challenging you to come up with something funnier.  We could call it a Funny Caption Contest, but I don't want Jerome to think I'm copying the Caption Contest he had on the Blue Pages.  Instead, we'll call it a Shmunny Shmaption Shmontest.  So let's here those Shmaptions, people.  Make 'em shmunny.

Honey, the Committee That Named You Loved You Very Much

I am less worried about the prospect of having children than I am about the prospect of having to name them.  I have thought about the naming issue numerous times and been completely overwhelmed by the number of potential obstacles brought on by the technology alone. 

For example, should I give my children names that are uncommon so that they will Google well and not be lost in a sea of other people with the same name?  Or is it a better strategy to give a common name for the exact opposite reason, so that my little darling does not have to worry about employers finding her MySpace page?  But if it's too common, how is she ever going to get a good e-mail address without having to attach a string of numbers to it?

And then there are the things I can't control, like what if I name my child something nice and unique but then 12 years later a porn star or serial killer or Evangelical leader with the exact same name becomes famous and makes my child subject to relentless humiliation? The guilt and shame would nearly kill me, and it would definitely kill my relationship with said child.

I don't know how I will end up handling this problem, but I can safely rule out one possibility: using a baby-naming consultant. Baby-naming consultants were the subject of this recent Wall Street Journal article, which included the following mind-exploding quotes:

  • Denise McCombie, 37, a California mother of two who's expecting a daughter this fall, spent $475 to have a numerologist test her favorite name, Leah Marie, to see if it had positive associations.
  • One man, on choosing the name "Beckett" for his son: "That C-K sound is very well regarded in corporate circles," Mr. Alper says, giving Kodak and Coca-Cola as examples. "The hard stop forces you to accentuate the syllable in a way that draws attention to it."
  • Madeline Dziallo, 36, a beautician and mother of two in LaGrange, Ill., turned to a consultant when naming both of her children, Ross, 3, and Natalie, eight months. That consultant, Maryanna Korwitts, a self-described nameologist based in Downers Grove, Ill., charges up to $350 for a package including three half-hour phone calls and a personalized manual describing the name's history, linguistic origins and personality traits.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a bad way to start off your life with your Mini-Me by outsourcing his identity to some Internet opportunist with a marketing degree and a baby obsession.  Plus, if you start to hate the name after a few years or you realize it has some horrible association that the consultant neglected to discover, you have no reprieve but to just hate yourself for not being together enough to NAME YOUR OWN CHILD.

No, I am more interested in a solution that does not involve me telling my curious future child that "Mommy met a very nice man on the Internet who told us your name would play very well in corporate circles!'  That's like giving him/her an extra free space on their Bingo board of Why I Resent My Parents, and I guarantee you that board will not need any more free spaces.

As Promised

Here are the pictures of the Pain Contest.  Out of curiosity, which of my friends do you think seems most overjoyed to be staple-gunning dollar bills to this man?


Mike's turn

Michelle could not be happier

or Ashley?

This reminds me of her ax-wielding face at the Renaissance festival
I think I know the answer, but I'll let you try.  Regardless, the bottom line is that they are all horrible people and enjoying it way too much.

Also, here are some pictures of the Phylan/Vanessa/Caitlar birthday luau, and since I'm in the mood for showing you three things and making you choose one, here's another chance: which cake is prettiest?  (All were made by Kelly, so you won't be hurting anyone's feelings.  Unless your answer is that they all look like they were made by someone ugly.)  So--

Phylan's cake, white on white


Caitlar's cake, pink on pink
or Vanessa's?

Vanessa's cake, chocolate on chocolate
Allright, kids, you know what they say on MTV: Choose or Lose!


First of all, Happy Birthday to my sister's puggle Raven, who just turned one:


Secondly, congratulations to The Bathtub for being named a Typepad Featured Blog!  Apparently our site is "an eclectic soak in a diversity of thoughts and opinions."  What lovely praise for our humble Internet bathtub!  To read the full review, click here.

Continuing with the celebrations theme, I have pictures from the Caitlar/Phylan/Vanessa birthday luau extravaganza that I will be posting shortly.  And of course, I also have some shots of Friday's trip to the Palace of Wonders.  All that tomorrow, plus my Monday Bathtub post--not a bad start to the week!

This Week In Internet: Questions

This week's theme: Questions

They Broke the Watergate Story, But It Took Them Three Years to Crack the Case of the Shoes With Wheels

Breaking news!  There are these shoes called "Heelys," and they HAVE WHEELS!  And the combination of wheels and recklessness means that kids who wear them FALL!  Don't worry though, The Washington Post has uncovered this story and has complete coverage, including the following:

"One time, when I went to Home Depot, they told me to stop rolling," said Anthony, a third-grader at Cub Run Elementary School in Centreville. "They think you're going to knock things down."

I mean, the Post will always be my fave paper, but as of now this story is one of the featured blurbs on the main page of  That seems excessive. 

The article does have a great photo of a child falling.  And the photo editor helpfully mentions in the caption that the kid "caught himself before falling" completely, which is going to make thousands of people this morning feel a lot less guilty about laughing at it.  And possibly making it their desktop wallpaper.


  • If all fruits came to life we would consistently find bananas to have the nicest personalities and best sense of humor.
  • Birds are way worse than bugs.
  • Horses no longer serve a practical purpose on Earth.
  • People with hyphenated last names are generally more annoying than the rest of the population.
  • It is really annoying to say your favorite flavor of most foods/drinks is a color like "Red" or "Blue" instead of the actual flavor it represents, but the one true, notable exception to the rule is Gatorade.  It is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged to identify your favorite "flavor" of Gatorade by color.
  • It is perfectly correct to say you "heard lightning."
  • It doesn't make any sense that the first American colonial settlers were adventurous enough to travel across the ocean and risk death by disease or the natives and yet were not adventurous enough to go out on a limb and find cooler ways to name places than just sticking "New" in front of the name of a place in England.
  • No matter how old they are, every human being's immediate reaction upon seeing a playground is, "I want to go play;" even if they dismiss that idea less than a nanosecond later, it was there.
  • The American name that sounds most like it should be short for something, but isn't, is "Craig."

It is fine to put your counterpoints or disagreements in the comments section, but I reserve the right to completely dismantle them in an upcoming post.

Alternately, if anyone would like to engage in a formal debate on one of these issues for a future post, let me know.