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18 posts from July 2007

World's Most Googled Womb

Over the past week or so, the two most popular (by far) Google search terms that have led people to this blog are:

1. nicole richie pregnant
2. nicole richie pregnant?

In that order.  These have accounted for literally thousands of hits, despite the fact that I have never even actually written about Nicole Richie being pregnant on this site.  It's insane.

Anyway, now we know.  This may only increase the amount of Googling about her, but at least I know it will all be over in about five more months.  Thank God for that.

I've done some sifting though, so check back tomorrow for Nicole-free edition of Search and Ye Shall Find

Next Time I Try to Prank Someone I Should Wait Until a Cooler Song Is On

If you own a digital camera with a video setting, you've probably done that thing where you're trying to take a picture of someone, but then you accidentally take a video because your camera's mode dial is in the wrong position.  I probably have about 100 clips on my computer that originated in such a fashion, and they're always a good blend of a little bit funny and a little bit awkward.  Here's one from 2004 that's pretty typical:


This past Saturday I decided it would be hilarrrrrious to trick my friends by asking them to smile for pictures, then secretly taking video instead.  I wanted to see who would be the quickest to figure out they were getting tricked.

Kelly won, taking a mere six seconds to figure out what was going on.  Here's her reaction, although if you are watching it in a monastery or preschool you should be warned that Kelly's middle finger does make a cameo in the clip.

After that she decided to help me prank Matt (who had just come out of the kitchen), but he was a hard one to fool and took just seven seconds.  (Also, by this time you have probably noticed that the song playing in the background of some of these clips is Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday." We're gangsta like that.)

Mike clocked in at 12 seconds (monastery/preschool alert: F-word present here):

Finally, There was a two-way tie for last place between Doug and Ashley, both at 13 seconds, but that's OK because they earned other distinctions.  Doug gets the award for Least Amused:

And Ashley gets the award for All-Around Best Reaction. (Yet another middle finger here.  You people are crude bastards.)

I couldn't fool everyone, though, especially by the end of the night.  Here's Ben, who figured out the secret:

And yes, that is me laughing/snorting obnoxiously in the background of just about every video like I think I'm doing the funniest thing ever.  But really, would you expect a better sense of humor from someone with Hilary Duff on her iPod?

This Week In Internet:Copyrights, Cats, and Prostitution U

For the first few weeks in which I ran a "This Week In Internet" post, I was really good at providing a theme for each recap.  However, that got harder and harder to do.  This week, though, I'm back on my game. The theme is:


When death comes calling, so does Oscar the cat
Cat lovers will see this as a story about the remarkable, intuitive bond between a compassionate animal and the sick people he helps.  Cat haters will see it as a story of a cat who kills people with his mere presence.

MySpace: 29,000 Sex Offenders Were Registered On Site
On the one hand, I suppose it's good that MySpace has removed 29,000 registered sexual offenders from its site.  On the other hand, I'm guessing that for every convicted sex offender who registered for MySpace using his real, full name, there are probably 99 more who were smart enough to use an alias.

Inmates Accused In Name Copyright Scheme
Realistically, this plan was obviously never going to work.  But to look at it from another perspective, hey--they were already in prison.  Might as well have some fun.

'Office' Hours Coming Early
Fans of The Office, rejoice!  Not only will the show be back Sept. 29, but its first four episodes will each be an hour long!  The only downside I can think of here is that it will suck when they go back to being just a half hour.

Now for a degree in prostitution?
On the one hand, I can see how this might piss some people off.  On the other hand, I would REALLY like to buy a hoodie that says "Prostitute University."

The First Time News Was Fit to Print, II
This blogger had the fun idea to search the New York Times archives and find the first print mention of terms like global warming, AIDS, Wikipedia, and Donald Trump.  Can you guess whether the Times mentioned Nintendo or McDonald's first?  Answer may surprise you.
P.S.: I much enjoy the Mental Floss blog--it's a good one to add to your Favorites.

(insert bubbling sounds)

One more for the cat people.  Lovers will undoubtedly see the warmth and hilarity in this video of surly Winston being bathed; haters will like seeing a cat struggle.

NBC4 Is Falling Apart Without Bobbie

One of the most wonderful/awful things about the Internet is that not even the D-list-est of public figures are safe from having their embarrassing moments go straight from a camera phone or Tivo to YouTube notoriety in a matter of hours.  One of my favorite sub genres of YouTube bloopers are those videos that involve a news anchor or meteorologist making some kind of hilarious mistake.  Imagine my delight, then, when I clicked on a link called "Model Falls, News Anchors Laugh Their Asses Off" and was greeted by the face of D.C.'s very own Jim Vance!

In this (possibly year-old) video, Vance and fellow NBC4 personality George Michael cannot stop cracking up at a clip of a runway model who falls down twice in the span of about seven seconds.  It's not THE most outrageous or hilarious news blooper you will ever see, but the fact that it's local gives it major points in my book.

Ends Comma Odds And

  • I blogged for KELLYq today in my continued attempt to milk as many posts as possible out of my wretched all-nighter.  I think I'm done now.
  • Additionally, I've posted some pictures of our most recent softball game, which was attended by the adorable Porkchop:

He likes sticks!

GOD he's so cute.

  • Finally, I was going through some old pictures when I realized I never shared the following photo with you.  These are the dolls my friend JJ has sitting on top of her TV:


They are available for purchase through (seriously) and I am not entirely sure why they exist.  I am sure, however, that some of my friends (namely Kelly) will find them funny.

Body Part, or Literary Term?

Yesterday when I was getting my hair cut, my stylist Dan asked, "What's a duodenum?"

"Umm, something, like, near your diaphragm . . . or something?" I answered expertly.

"OK.  That word was in my head and I couldn't remember if it was a body part or some kind of literary term."

That exchange inspired me to prepare the following quiz: "Body Part, or Literary Term?"   Below, I have compiled a list of terms that each have to do with either literature or the human anatomy; it is up to you to decide which is which.  Answers are after the jump.


  1. Anapest
  2. Aphorism
  3. Axilla
  4. Caesura
  5. Denouement
  6. Elegy
  7. Foot
  8. Ilium
  9. Local color
  10. Meninges
  11. Metacarpus
  12. Notochord
  13. Obelion
  14. Scansion
  15. Spondee
  16. Trochee
  17. Vomer

Continue reading "Body Part, or Literary Term?" »

You Know I Can't Resist a Good Saved By the Bell Cast Update

Drugs, B-movies, crime, reality TV, etc.--we know what former child stars aren't supposed to do after their initial fame wanes.  But what are they supposed to do?  There are very few good examples.

[Thoughtful music plays as we all contemplate that point.] 

Oh well.  Here's one more for the "don't" pile.  From yesterday's Access Hollywood:

Twelve years after taking a bit of a career hit with the universally-panned "Showgirls," Elizabeth Berkley is concentrating on a different kind of "comeback" -- a spiritual one.

In fact, not only is Elizabeth still acting, but the former "Saved By The Bell" star is traveling across the country helping teenage girls suffering from low self-esteem.

After reading that, I wasn't sure why Elizabeth Berkley thinks she can help teenage girls.  After all, her  job history more or less exclusively includes (a) basically giving up her own teenage years to be on TV; and (b) playing a stripper, but hey--who am I to judge?  I thought.  Then I saw her website,

The main components of Elizabeth Berkley's advice website for teens are butterflies, fairies, pink, and Comic Sans.  There are also Hello Kitty accents, rainbows, and clouds.  It is probably the most hideous website I have ever seen, and my friends will back me up when I say I have seen just about every single page on the Internet.


Actual screenshot from the webpage's intro, so you know I'm not lying.

The ugliness isn't even really the problem, though--it's that Berkley seems to have no concept of what teenage girls are like, which does not bode well for her ability to help them.  Today's teens are about as interested in clouds, rainbows and fairies as they are in doing their homework on typewriters. 

It may seem strange that someone who once played a teenager on television would be so clueless about adolescence, but think about it--would you ask someone from Grey's Anatomy to operate on you in real life?  Probably not.

Anyway, I'm just glad I developed my self esteem the old-fashioned way: by making fun of people.

Details, Details

I was at a wedding reception with a karaoke machine on Saturday, and for the first couple of hours only the kids were using it because the adults weren't yet drunk enough to participate.  After one adorable little boy amazed the crowd with his rendition of Rihanna's "Umbrella" and won a sweet inflatable guitar, yet another cute little boy approached the mike in the hopes of winning himself a prize too.  It was a great plan: participate in this activity, have all the adults clap at you adoringly, win prize.  He had the situation all figured out.

The little boy conferred with the DJ re: song selection, and for some reason they settled on Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive."  But when the music started, the little kid froze and just stared at the screen silently.  The crowd started to clap in encouragement and the DJ leaned over and said, "You can do it!  Just say the words on the screen!  You can do it--sing!  Sing!"  But the boy looked as distressed as ever. 

Finally, he held the microphone up to his mouth. "But I can't . . . READ!"  he cried.  Like, DamnI was so caught up in my perfect plan to win a blow-up guitar that I forgot I was illiterate!  It may have been the cutest thing ever.  (0ther than this, obvi.)