LMNOP

When I was going through this week's links, I noticed that each one had a strange or unusual picture to go with it.  For each link, I will show you the picture that accompanies it first; I strongly encourage you to take a few moments to ask yourself, "What the hell is this?!" before you go on to read the actual explanations.  In fact, try guessing before you peek.

Here's the first one.  What the hell is this?!

Well, it's the of "Shafique el-Fahkri, a 20-year-old student who was attacked outside of a Melbourne, Australia nightclub in January."  During the attack he had a metal chair thrown at him.  Even though the chair leg "went through Fahkri's eye socket and down into his neck," he managed to survive and keep his eye.  Read about it here.

Now, what the hell is this?

It's a close-up of the hands of the CUTEST WITTLE MONKEY YOU WILL SEE ALL WEEK!  I don't even really think monkeys are all that cute usually, but this guy is too much.

Moving on: what the hell is this?!

Well, it's obviously an Etch-A-Sketch, but can you tell who the image is of?  It's Kanye West.  There are even more cool Etch-A-Sketches at The Etch-A-Sketchist, an entire blog devoted to creations made on that god awful, infuriating little contraption.

What the hell is this?!

Actually, "What the hell is this?!" is probably exactly what the baby on the right is thinking as she stares at Nadia, the 17-pound Siberian baby born September 17.  Story and video are here, and no I do not know why her belly button is blue.

Finally, what the hell is this?!

Oh, it's a squirrel dressed up as Saddam Hussein, natch.  "Sugar Bush Squirrel" has her own webpage, which is maintained by an extremely wacky woman who likes to dress her up and photograph her.

Have a good weekend--and by that I basically mean you should just try not to get any chair legs put through your skull.

This video answers so many important questions that you never even thought to ask--

--Questions like:

• Do giraffes fight? (Answer: yes.)
• What does it look like when they fight? (Answer: awesome.)
• What sound does it make when two giraffe necks slam against each other? (Answer: Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud.)
• What is cooler than a giraffe fight? (Answer: nothing.)

Today while browsing Etsy I came across these magnificent (if a bit pricey @ $100) Custom Leather Beer Holsters:

From the product description: "This listing is for a CUSTOM all-leather set of beer holsters and belt. It will be fitted to YOUR measurements. They're made from a thick vegetable tanned leather which is hand-cut, sanded, edged and assembled. The belt is 1" wide."

I'm not even joking when I say that I would wear these beer holsters ALL THE TIME if I had them.  Don't believe me?  Allow me to present Exhibit A, the shirt I wore to Doug's 25th birthday party:

Let me tell you, when I discovered that the pockets of my Target tank top each neatly fit a Bud Light can apiece, it was probably one of the top five moments of my life thus far.  I couldn't get over the convenience of it all--the ability to transport two beers at a time while keeping my hands free; the nice, cool feeling of having chilled beer cans against my body in Kelly's hot apartment; the fact that the color scheme of the shirt matched the Bud Light color scheme perfectly--it was amazing.  That night I was thinking that maybe I would start wearing that tank top every day for the rest of my life.

In the end, my fashionable side has kept me from committing the sin of wearing the same $12 top all the time, and my rational side will keep me from spending $100 on beer holsters.  However, it's good to know that at least one enterprising crafter our there has discovered the same truth that I myself encountered on that fateful July day: there are few things in life as pleasurable as being able to reach down to your hip and grab a nice, cold beer.

From this article:

Not the most interesting story, but I am including it for two reasons.  First, I'm always excited when grammar makes the news.  Second, I am becoming increasingly fixated on documenting the ways in which my education has already begun to become obsolete.  (You may remember my struggle to cope with Pluto losing its planet status and, later, my indignant reaction to the news that Maryland had appointed a state gem, drink, and team sport.)

Anyway, I'm proposing a new word: from now on, whenever a topic, subject, or principle gets changed dramatically from when we were kids, we will refer to it as that thing getting "Plutoed," as in, "Man, hyphens just got totally Plutoed today."

I realize it's kind of ironic that the way I'm coping with too many changes and innovations is by inventing a new word myself, but what kind of logic do you expect from a batty old coot who is old enough to remember when hyphens roamed the Earth and Pluto was a planet?

Because LMNOP is a nice blog, we don't do "Worst Dressed" here.  Everyone is Best Dressed--just for different reasons.  Behold:

Best Dressed Ulcer: Sharon Stone

. . . Because "Dressed to Excess" isn't the same as "Dressed to Abcess."

Best Dressed, as Measured in Cubic Meters: Hayden Panetierre

Best Dressed Thing on One Leg: Felicity Huffman

Best Dressed, Pre-Double Take: Mary-Louise Parker

If you flip past this picture quickly, nothing appears to be wrong with it.  But if you dwell on it, it kind of stops making sense.  First of all, it would have looked better as a short dress, and that long red ruffle at the bottom should just be cut off.  Secondly, I hate when famous women wear dresses that are so tight you can practically see uterus.

Best Dressed, At Least In Her Own Opinion: Kimora Lee Simmons

I HATE that smug look she always has.  HAAAAAAATE!  She seems even more obnoxious than Tyra Banks.

I only have a few links again:

• The new $5 bill looks like crap.
• Brains are funny: "A 10-year-old boy has woken up with a posh English accent after undergoing life-saving brain surgery."
• Belgium is not for sale , OK?
• This just in: guys are nasty.
• Ice cream machine that gives you more ice cream if you are unhappy .

However, I also have an Emmy fashion recap, which I will be posting at some point tomorrow.

The other week I was having dinner with someone I know--someone who has asked to remain nameless for reasons that will become clear pretty soon--and as I was getting ready to go she told me she wanted to show me the prize she had received for reaching a significant sales milestone at work.  She pointed to an envelope and said, "It's a gift certificate.  Guess how much it's for."

Having heard stories of her company's less-than-generous ways with its employees before, I guessed on the low side.  "Oh, God," I said.  "Don't tell me they gave you, like, a $5 gift certificate to McDonald's."

"Nope, not quite," she replied, handing me the envelope.  "See for yourself."

See for your self:

Yes, that is a $2 gift certificate to Baskin Robbins, and it's not part of a whole stack of them, either--that's it.  That's the prize.  $2.  In case you're counting, that's less than the price of a small cone.

We went to Six Flags on Sunday and I decided to put my camera on my lap  and record video while we were on the bumper cars.  We called it the "Bumper Cam."  Truthfully, it ended up not being a very entertaining video; mainly it involves a lot of shrieking and some nausea-inducing camera-shaking.  However, I will let you judge just how un-entertaining it is for yourself.  This is a democracy, after all.

Imagine if you were in kindergarten and you had to cross a 200-meter footbridge over a raging river twice each day--alone--in order to get to and from school.

Now imagine that being an upgrade.

According to this article, which I seriously don't know if I can believe, "A bridge is to be built in a Chinese village where children are forced to cross a raging torrent on a steel cable to get to school."

This would be a good time to show you the picture that accompanies the article:

According to the article, almost 500 children make this trip each day. Additionally, "the villagers say that usually four-year-old children are taken by their parents, and begin to go by themselves from the age of five;" however, "the youngest student, A Qia, 4, has to go over by herself each day."

The really golden quote in the article is this, though: "A Pu, five, who was stuck in the middle of the cable for nearly 20 minutes once, said: 'I used to dream of having a bridge, but then I learned that my dream was too expensive.'"

The article goes on to say that the kid's dream is coming true now that "officials finally agreed to spend £35,000 on a bridge after a TV programme was made about the children's dangerous daily journey."

Blogging-wise, I think September has been my laziest month thus far.  I do not base this information on any actual data (as that would take effort to compile), but I do know I've at least skipped two Fridays in a row AND neglected to change this month's banner.

Oh, well.  There weren't that many links Friday anyway, but here's what you missed:

• It's really, really happening!  Tryouts for the new American Gladiators series were held recently and NPR was there.
• From the Department of Children's Books Being Turned Into Movies: Ramona and Paddington projects underway
• Holy crap: Murder-suicide leaves man, 82, his wife, 73, and their 30 goats, 7 dogs, donkey, and pony dead.
• Luxemburg beats out Ireland for the title of World's Drink-iest Country; however--and maybe this just means I drink too much--doesn't their average of 15.5. liters per person/year seem a little low?  According to my calculations, that's only like .8 beers per week!

Also, here are two new photosets from this weekend:

• Six Flags!
• Friday night

And finally, while we're at it, here's today's Bathtub post.