LMNOP

On October 11, 2006, I wrote a post about some fonts I hate.  In the year since writing that post, I have learned an important lesson: damn, people get emotional about fonts.  At last count, the post had accrued 194 comments, most of which could be described as either "long-suppressed but hilarious graphic designer rants" or "people just stopping by to say HI, I HATE YOU."  Here are some of my favorites.

"The yearly progress report form that is sent to me by my department is done in Comic Sans MS. I once put a note on it under the "any other comments" section that said something to the effect of, "Comic Sans MS makes this look entirely unprofessional". The form hasn't been changed, but at least I said something.

The tragedy continues..."

"This is one of the stupidest pages I have seen on the Internet. You don't like a couple of fonts? Big deal. The stereotypical way you go about bashing them is really quite terrible, and false in much the same way the sentence "I got bitten by a dog once, all dogs are terrible and should be put down." is false. Do you know anybody that actually uses these font in the manner that you actually state? This doesn't even come off as slightly amusing, but as really quite lame."

"These aren't the worst wtf"

"Wingdings.  Worst font ever.  You can barely read it."

"You guys are idiots. Dumb persons

"The hospital I work for has chosen Comic Sans as its corporate typeface. Every offical notice, letterhead, signpost or form has to be in Comic Sans. I think the reasoning is that it's a children's hospital so lets not use a scary font with sharp corners. It's a design nightmare. You want to prescribe morphine? The form is in Comic Sans. Everything is in Comic Sans. It is worse than you can possibly imagine."

"FUCKYOU,Who writen this shit?" GET A LIFE"

To all who have commented, I salute you and your anecdotes.  And to that last person, I also say, "My name is Lauren McMahon, and I writen this shit."

From this article:

BROOMFIELD, Colo. -- A 6-year-old boy was hungry and decided he'd go to Applebees. So he grabbed the car keys, took his booster seat from the back seat of his grandmother's car and placed it in the driver's seat, then made a go of driving himself to the restaurant Tuesday.

He made it about 75 feet. Unable to take the car out of reverse, he crossed the street and ran into a transformer and communication box, knocking out electricity and phone service to dozens of townhomes.

This is hilarious for several reasons.  Reason #1: nobody was hurt, and if nobody is hurt it's OK to laugh.  Reason #2: How awesome is the mental image of dozens of people sitting in their townhomes in the dark simply because a first grader really wanted chicken fingers?  Reason #3: Applebees?  Really?  Reason #4: how was a six-year-old kid in a booster seat able to reach the pedals of a car?  (Answer: When you want Applebees that bad, you find a way.)

This past weekend my Mom made my sister and I go through some boxes of old dolls and papers she's been keeping in her basement since we were kids.  I was particularly excited to come across my old sketchbook, and as I was poring over those very pages upon which I honed my now famous (-ly bad) drawing skills, I found this lovely depiction of The People of Our World:

You will note several important things:

1. My drawing skills have not improved since 1991.
2. People from France and China have no hands.
3. People in Africa wear toilet paper.
4. Hawaii is a country.
5. Mexican people's arms are thicker than their legs.

Crude though they are, I like to think that these pictures do reveal an important truth about the human race: People everywhere are fundamentally the same--no matter what country they're from, they all have feet that point in completely opposite directions.

In my inbox today:

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Dear Lauren E McMahon,

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated Laguna Beach - The Complete First Season have also purchased Everest: Beyond the Limit on DVD. For this reason, you might like to know that Everest: Beyond the Limit will be released on October 16, 2007. You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

Everest: Beyond the Limit Everest-Beyond the Limit List Price: $19.99 Price: $17.99 You Save: $2.00 (10%) Release Date: October 16, 2007

Description
Experience Everest as it's never been before in this harrowing trek to touch the roof of the world. With unusually severe weather and heartbreaking circumstances, this expedition up the world's tallest peak becomes fraught with unexpected perils, leading to an emotional journey full of fear, hardship, exhaustion, disappointment and unforgettable triumphs. Boasting a crew of climbers each with something to prove, this expedition includes the first-ever double amputee to aim for the summit, an asthmatic climber ascending without bottled oxygen and a motorcyclist embracing life once again after a near-fatal traffic accident. Stunningly captured with high-definition cameras, each episode of this special DVD edition includes additional footage ... Read more

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Thank you, amazon.com.  As a fan of Laguna Beach, I am always on the lookout for the next great mountaineering documentary.  After all, next to that episode when Kristin and Stephen got into that fight on the trip to Cabo, I would probably have to say that my favorite Laguna Beach moment is when they all scaled Mount Everest.

Oh, and before you say what I know you're all thinking, let me just say that I bought that Laguna Beach DVD as a gift for someone.  While I will fully cop to watching LB and The Hills when they are on TV, I have never felt such a strong need to watch it that I would need it in my personal collection.

The last thing I remember today was coming home from work today around 5:30 and proceeding directly to my bed for a little catnap.  Fast forward to now, 9:45, when I am sitting at my computer just moments after waking up.  (Guess I won't be going out tonight.)  Anyway, the first thing I thought upon waking up?  "I'd better get up and post.  This is Industrious October."  So here are your links:

• "An Arkansas company is offering $100 to a Utah woman who found a severed rodent head in a can of green beans. "  $100?!?!  I'm sorry, but the only way a company could make it up to me if I found a severed rat head in my food was if they gave me a million dollars and a new brain to replace the old one that had been traumatized so badly by finding a rat head in my green beans.
• What would you do if you found a bag containing $65,000?
• Yesterday I had the following conversation with Emily:

Emily: one of my professors went on a rant today that his undergrads cite wikipedia
me: oh wowwwwwwwww
i fear for the youth of america
Emily: i know.
  or at least new jersey
me: well i feared for them anyway
but seriously
you think something is a valid source because it contains "ipedia?"
Emily: hahaha that's EXACTLY what i was thinking in class

I thought that was bad, but moments later I clicked on this link about a journalist who copied erroneous Wikipedia info into someone's obituary without verifying it.  To add insult to injury, the false info said that the poor dead man had written a song for SClub7.  Good thing you can't libel the dead.

• This is the world's coolest bottle opener because you need 3-D Goggles to use it.
• For nerds: 66 Simpsons stills and the movie scenes they reference.
• Last week I gave you the story of a huge baby; for this week how about a tiny mother?  " According to Expatica, the doctor said the 10-year-old came to him with 'unexplained abdominal pain.' He said he noticed the girl gained some weight and after examining her, he discovered that she was nine months pregnant, the website reported."
• Another follow-up, this one to last week's awesome video of giraffe's fighting: more animal fights.
• 20 Things I Learned from My NES.
• The 8 Most Needlessly Detailed Wikipedia Entries.  Great fact from this post: the Wikipedia "List of 7th Heaven Episodes" is 29,601 words long; that's 3,000 more than The Old Man and the Sea.
• 20 Things You Don't Know About . . . Nothing.

On Wednesday I gave you a list of terrible gifts and asked which would be the worst.  Here are the correct answers:

Fourth worst: One of those pictures that come with the frame when you buy it, but without the frame.  You can just chuck that, so it's no biggie.

Third worst: A box of 20 live hamsters anonymously FedExed to the recipient's door.  It's a little harder to just chuck this gift, unless you have one of those industrial, restaurant-grade garbage disposals . . . Just kidding!  LMNOP does not endorse cruelty to animals--even hamsters.  However, this isn't the worst gift, because a smart person would sell them on Craigslist and earn a few bucks.

Second worst: An STD.  Most are curable, and medical advancements are getting more impressive by the day.

ABSOLUTE WORST GIFT: A $1000 "Kimora Lee Simmons Online Gift Card" redeemable only for products at KimoraLeeSimmons.com.  Any gift that goes toward lining the pockets of Kimora Lee Simmons is the default worst thing money can buy.  Good job to NG, the first and best commenter on this one.  A thousand LMNOPoints to you.

I received the following message as an insert in my GapCard bill this month:

You will now earn 5 points for every $1 you spend at Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy and piperlime.com.  Once you reach 1,000 points, or spend $200, we'll send you a $10 Reward Certificate.

Old Rewards Program:
$1 = 1 Reward Point
1 Reward Point x 200 = $10 Reward Certificate

New Rewards Program:
$1 = 5 Reward Points
5 Reward Points x 200 = $10 Reward Certificate

So . . . what?  I had to read it five times before I understood what it meant.  Here's the translation--

Gap points have the exact same value now as they did before.  The ratio of dollars spent to dollars earned is the same.  The number of generic knit tops and clearance jeans I buy will continue to earn me Gap rewards at the same exact rate they always have.  NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Whatever.  In other news, thanks for your comments on yesterday's post.  One of you hit the correct answer on. the. nose.  I will wait until tomorrow to reveal who though, because I felt it was more important to use today's post to rant about Gap points.  Obvi.

Which would be the worst gift to give someone?

• A box of 20 live hamsters anonymously FedExed to his or her door
• One of those pictures that come with the frame when you buy it, but without the frame
  
• A $1000 "Kimora Lee Simmons Online Gift Card" redeemable only for products at KimoraLeeSimmons.com (Sidenote to Kimora's people: If WorldsMostAnnoyingBitch.com doesn't already re-direct to your site, you are losing some relevant hits).
• An STD

Choose wisely--like I said, this is science!

P.S. There is a right answer.

Lazy September is officially O-U-T, and Industrious October has begun!  If you don't believe me, check out the new Halloweeny-themey site banner in all its orange-and-black, ready-on-the-first-day-of-the-month goodness.  (If you don't see it yet, refresh the page a few times.  I swear it's there.)

In other news, today's Bathtub post was about famous non-drinkers and whether or not they would have been better off if they'd had a little alcohol every now and then.  In order to write it I relied heavily on Wikipedia's List of Teetotalers, which might not be too terribly reliable, because pretty much every other entry on the list has been tagged with "citation needed."  Whatever--it's still a highly interesting read.  Here are a few people other than the ones I mentioned in my post that I was surprised to see on the list:

• Kim Cattrall, who helped make Cosmopolitans famous
• Kristin Davis--who knew the Sex and the City cast was half dry?
• Dane Cook
• Sarah Silverman
• Shania Twain, which is ironic because everyone else in the world has sung at least one of her songs while drunk
• Weird Al Yankovic

OK, that's enough sobriety for one day.  Maybe tomorrow I'll tackle the List of Iconic Drinkers.