LMNOP

Pancake sees his reflection and is scared, then curious--and finally, just confused.

Well, I finally got around to making a November banner image.  It's late, but I wasn't in too much of a hurry to update this month because a.) there always seemed to some kind of dog pee/poop/drool I could be cleaning up somewhere, and b.) I liked last month's a lot and I didn't mind letting it get some extra mileage.

What can I say?  This is not the kind of blog you set your calendar by.

This is quite possibly my favorite Kingsley picture evah evah:

INVISIBLE MONOCLE!!

And yes, this is the same kitty that used to be smaller than a shoe.  He now eats shoes for breakfast.  With mayonnaise on top.  And a scoop of lard.  He's got a figure to keep up:

• This letter from Jimmy Carter to a relative absolutely cracked me up.  It reads:

Lamentably, I killed your cat while trying just to sting it. It was crouched, as usual, under one of our bird feeders & I fired from some distance with bird shot. It may ease your grief somewhat to know that the cat was buried properly with a prayer & that I’ll be glad to get you another of your choice.

I called & came by your house several times. We will be in the Dominican Republic until Thursday. I’ll see you then.

Love, Jimmy

• You will feel much better about your job when you see the winners of the "Saddest Cubicle Contest."
• "I didn't like my adopted daughter, so I gave her back"
• Dinosaurs breathed like penguins
• "A German church steeple has knocked the leaning tower of Pisa from the Guinness Book of Records as the world's most lopsided building."
• Tips for Michael Cera on how not to become the next Zach Braff
• Top 87 Bad Predictions About the Future
• Was anyone else obsessed with the story of the eight-limbed Indian girl this week?  And wasn't she one of the prettiest little kids you've seen in a while?
• Eerie "hyper-realist" sculptures
• 9 Creative staircases
• Is it Christmas yet?

Hope you have a great weekend and never have to write a letter beginning with the words "Lamentably, I killed your cat."

It's time for yet another installment of Search and Ye Shall Find, where we analyze the search words that have brought people to this blog.

First, I would just like to say that sometimes I see search terms and immediately know that the people who entered them are kindred spirits, and I am glad we have found each other, even if just for one post.  So to the people who searched for the following, I would just like to say, "Welcome."

• "dodge magnum hearse"
• "kimora lee simmons obnoxious"
• "james buchanan faux hawk"
• "every time someone uses comic sans part of me dies"
• "i hate oldies"

Diehard LMNOP superfans will know exactly which posts those terms take you too.  Or, they would, at least, if "diehard LMNOP superfans" existed.

Now, I will helpfully respond to a couple search queries.

1. "picture of a 13-year-old birthday cake"

My guess is that a cake that old would probably be pretty gross-looking.  Maybe something like this:

Actually, it would probably look way worse, but I was only willing to look through so many Google Image Search results for "mold."

2. "kodak brownie"

I don't know what this person was actually looking for, but it made me imagine what it would be like if Kodak made a combination camera/brownie.  Like, our phones can take pictures, so why shouldn't our snacks?  It's genius!

Kodak needs to get on this.  I bet it wouldn't even be that hard.  I mean, stoners are the laziest people in the world and they can figure out how to cook pot into brownies, so shouldn't Kodak's engineers be able to get camera parts in there?

Either way, that BrownieCam took up more time than I thought.  I only have time for one more question, preferably a short one.

3. "how long can a girl go without peeing"

Easy: until she wets her pants.

Regardless of what the calendar says, most people have their own personal ways of marking the changes in seasons: the first day of school means it's fall, my birthday means it's summer, whatever.  For me, winter is marked by the first day of what I call Hot Face.  Hot Face is an extremely uncomfortable condition caused when my extremely sensitive, dry, fragile skin makes contact with cold, dry, windy air and becomes red, inflamed, and very hot.  It's basically a case of windburn that lasts five months.  Some nights, it's so bad I can't sleep.  In winter, Hot Face is the torture of my life.

(Sidenote, in case you think I'm exaggerating: This book confirmed what I have known about my skin since I was a kid--it sucks.  The book contains a 14-page diagnostic test, and instructions for scoring your results.  It is the perfect Sunday afternoon for a person who is both obsessive and vain.

Of the 16 types of skin possible, my result was DSPW, nicknamed "The Desperate Skin Type."  In the chapter on my specific type, the Dr. optimistically reports that DSPWs have the most to gain from her book--because they have the worst skin to deal with.)

In college, Kelly got very good at knowing when Hot Face had made its first appearance of the season.  If she found a bottle of moisturizer in our fridge, she knew it was no absent-minded mistake on my part; the application of chilled lotion is Temporary Hot Face Relief Method No. 1.  She also got used to the ridiculous measures I would take on really windy days, and thought nothing of holding my elbow and gently guiding me to the dining hall when the extra sweatshirt I'd wrapped around my entire face was obscuring my vision.

I knew Hot Face was coming this morning when I was out walking the dog and I felt the cold dryness in the hair.  I went home slathered on as much moisturizer as I could handle in the hopes of staving it off for at least a few days.  No luck--my cheeks were already displaying their telltale redness by 10, and buzzing with pain by 12. 

People, the Laurenian Calendar has spoken, and Winter is upon us.

I have had Pancake for just over three weeks now, and I think the most pleasant surprise so far has been how much he enjoys being in my bed.  To a puppy his size my bed is almost like a football field or an obstacle course, and he likes running from end to end and jumping over pillows like he's competing in the Puppy Olympics.

He also likes to dig and burrow in the covers, and if I bury a squeaky toy under an afghan he's pretty much set for the next half hour.  He loves sitting on the end of my bed and looking out my window, and his absolute favorite place to take a nap is on the end of my bed in a pile of blankets.

This is ideal because it means I, as a responsible and attentive owner, am doing a good job of watching my puppy by being in my bed as well, and I am always quick to embrace responsibilities that involve more time in bed.

I am not a terrible, lazy owner, though, and I do make him go outside and run around on grass and take walks and stuff like that.  Fall is a good time to have a new puppy, because there are leaves to be played with and nice, crisp breezes that carry the promise of new adventures and, you know, the smell of the other neighborhood dogs' pee.  Which is what really makes Pancake happy.

There are a few more new pics of Panny over at his Flickr set (because, hello, what respectable dog doesn't have his own Flickr set?).

First, two tidbits related to The Office:

• NBC is casting a spinoff?!
• The Top 10 "That's What She Said" Moments

Some funny links:

• Jon Stewart's Greatest Gay Moments
• The Top 10 SNL Celebrity Jeopardy! guests

Some . . . old stuff:

• A 116-year-old orange, w/ narsty picture
• 405-year-old clam

Miscellaneous:

• Squirrels safe to eat in New Jersey again
• Sleeping pill helps girl wake up from six-year coma
• Center treats wrong side of patient's brain
• Flavored wallpaper!!  I want I want I want.
• Vocabulary+charity+game=awesome

And now, the most depressing headlines of the week:

• Apple Sends 3rd Grader Cease-and-Desist Letter
• Cancer-stricken boy loses new pony to pit bulls

Have a good weekend!

"You're going to be traveling sometime soon."

"Well, I'm planning a cruise . . ."

"Yes, a cruise.  On . . . water."

Wow, funny you should say that, Ms. Psychic, because I was actually planning on going on a Land Cruise.  Or maybe a Jello cruise.  Or even an Orange Juice cruise.  But water?  No way.  You are so busted.

Incidentally, she also incorrectly guessed my relationship status and job situation, but when she told me I was a good person and would be very happy and well-off all my life, I was like, damn--this lady's good.