Awesomeness alert! NBC updated its American Gladiators
website with bios and photos of the new Gladiators, so naturally I
spent a fair amount of time today analyzing the Glads and their
costumes/nicknames. Today's post is dedicated to my observations of
the six female Gladiators, and tomorrow I will discuss the males.
First, let's talk about my early female favorite: HELLGA.
At 6'1" and 205 lbs, Helga is big as shit.
Bigger than most guys, in fact. This alone makes her a fave, but her
Viking shtick takes it over the top; according to her official bio,
Helga "may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with
force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to
Valhalla." Let's take another look at her:
is a greased-up ball of potential Viking puns with thighs that could kill a
buffalo. And since I love wordplay (and hate buffaloes), it will be
hard for the other ladies to top her in my book.
The other female gladiators are:
gets points for being a hottie, I suppose--the site plays up her
"girl-next-door looks" and penchant for "breaking men's hearts," but
she has nowhere near the personality of Hellga. (None of the other
females do, because Hellga rules.) Although I like the corset
detailing on her uniform, my first impression of Crush is that she's a
bit bland. We'll call her Joey Potter on steroids.
With her cutout leotard and
World's Highest Ponytail, I can only imagine that Fury would be a bit
less furious if she didn't have to look even more '80s-retro than the
original Glads did in 1989. At a mere 5'7 1/2", she also lacks the Amazonian
proportions I favor in my Gladiator women. However, if the pictures in
her photo gallery are any indication, Fury intends to make up for that
deficiency with epic amounts of camel toe.
Athletic as these women all look, I'm sure they
have no problem getting around the Gladiator Arena at lightning speed.
However, I'd like to officially wager a guess that Siren here is the
one who gets around the most outside
of the arena. That's right--I'm calling her the Slut
Gladiator. Her outfit is clearly the most risque, and judging from her
photo gallery it appears she is no stranger to the concept of bedroom
eyes. I see Maxim spreads in her future.
Apparently I spoke too soon when I said Fury
was small--Stealth is only 5'2"!! I'm not stupid enough to rule her
out because she's so short, though--if this bitch could get cast as a
Gladiator at 5'2" tall, she must be amazing. I'm guessing she knows how to fly or something. At any rate, I can't wait to see her stand next to Hellga.
I'll say it--Venom looks dumb. I hate to stereotype the blonde, but she isn't giving me much else to go on. With a face like that, I'm surprised they didn't name her Vacant.
OK, so who's your fave? Least fave? Will you be joining me in the Hellga Fan Club? And what do you think of
the fact that the costumes are so heavy on black and silver, with
minimal red and blue accents? I get that we're trying to be futuristic
here, but I think a bit more color might be nice. It would do wonders
to offset Fury's camel toe, that's for damn sure.