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November 2007
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13 posts from December 2007

In 2008 I Vow to Always Keep a Compact on Hand for Post-Arrest Touchups

OK, people, it's time to vote for the Best Starlet Mugshot of 2007*.  Mischa Barton got her entry in just in time.

Who takes the crown for '07?


Click to enlarge, but keep in mind that it will only make Mischa's eyes look redder and Lindsay's expression more desperate.

Happy New Year!!  I'll try to squeeze in at least one more post before the year officially ends, but otherwise I will be back to my regular posting schedule on January 2.

*Nicole Richie's is technically from Dec. 2006, but I think it's close enough.

Justice Rules, But Beware of Wolf

Yesterday I reviewed the six new female American Gladiators, and today I will be analyzing the men.  I'll start, as I did yesterday, with my favorite.



From the website:

"Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he'll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they'll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor."

Geez, people.  Save some corny Justice references for the season premiere. 

Anyway, Justice is 6'8" tall and weighs 290 lbs., and he has awesome hair.  He also might be crazy:


Needless to say, these are all things I find tremendously important in an American Gladiator.



I like how Militia's name implies that he has the strength and capability of many men in one, and yet the outfit he wears contains barely enough fabric to cover someone 1/10th of his size.  In his photo gallery, Militia also appears to be wearing some sort of combat boots in lieu of the sneakers and ankle guards worn by the other Gladiators.  I'm guessing the boots are for photo-shoot purposes only, but I do love the individuality.

Also, his crotch bulge is the Yin to Fury's camel toe Yang.



Hmm--blonde, muscular dude in spandex with a 'G' on his chest . . . where have I seen this before?  Oh, right:


Looks like the Ambiguously Gay Duo just became a trio.



Between the midriff-baring top, mesh accents and feminine criss-cross detailing down the sides, Mayhem definitely has the worst outfit of all the guys.  Still, he has a good Gladiator snarl, and I think he'll be a solid addition to the group--not a standout or a favorite, but a reliable presence.  I will say, though, that I find it disconcerting that I can see the entire, clearly-defined vein running from his shoulder to his wrist.  I prefer men who keep their circulatory systems inside their bodies.



Yeah, remember how tribal tattoos were really, really cool for a few minutes there in the '90s?  Toa is a reminder that flash-in-the-pan fad tattoos are, unfortunately, still permanent.  However, on a more positive note, he's also a reminder that for every million douchebags that get lame-ass tattoos, there is one who will be able to turn it into a personal branding opportunity on a national television show.  Good for him.



Wow.  Wolf is just--wow.  This guy is a hot mess.  According to the website he is "230 pounds of primal fury," but in this case I think they are confusing "primal fury" with "truck-stop molester."  (Easy mistake; I do it all the time.)  Wolf is definitely the Gladiator I am least looking forward to seeing on the show, because I bet you anything he will do a totally annoying wolf howl whenever he wins an event, and guess what?  Wolf howls get old pretty fast.  Like, tribal tattoo fast.

Where Do I Order My "Team Hellga" Jersey?

Awesomeness alert!  NBC updated its American Gladiators website with bios and photos of the new Gladiators, so naturally I spent a fair amount of time today analyzing the Glads and their costumes/nicknames.  Today's post is dedicated to my observations of the six female Gladiators, and tomorrow I will discuss the males.

First, let's talk about my early female favorite: HELLGA.


At 6'1" and 205 lbs, Helga is big as shit. Bigger than most guys, in fact.  This alone makes her a fave, but her Viking shtick takes it over the top; according to her official bio, Helga "may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla."  Let's take another look at her:


Clearly, Hellga is a greased-up ball of potential Viking puns with thighs that could kill a buffalo.  And since I love wordplay (and hate buffaloes), it will be hard for the other ladies to top her in my book.

The other female gladiators are:



Crush gets points for being a hottie, I suppose--the site plays up her "girl-next-door looks" and penchant for "breaking men's hearts," but she has nowhere near the personality of Hellga.  (None of the other females do, because Hellga rules.)  Although I like the corset detailing on her uniform, my first impression of Crush is that she's a bit bland.  We'll call her Joey Potter on steroids.



With her cutout leotard and World's Highest Ponytail, I can only imagine that Fury would be a bit less furious if she didn't have to look even more '80s-retro than the original Glads did in 1989.  At a mere 5'7 1/2", she also lacks the Amazonian proportions I favor in my Gladiator women.  However, if the pictures in her photo gallery are any indication, Fury intends to make up for that deficiency with epic amounts of camel toe.



Athletic as these women all look, I'm sure they have no problem getting around the Gladiator Arena at lightning speed. However, I'd like to officially wager a guess that Siren here is the one who gets around the most outside of the arena.  That's right--I'm calling her the Slut Gladiator.  Her outfit is clearly the most risque, and judging from her photo gallery it appears she is no stranger to the concept of bedroom eyes.  I see Maxim spreads in her future.



Apparently I spoke too soon when I said Fury was small--Stealth is only 5'2"!!  I'm not stupid enough to rule her out because she's so short, though--if this bitch could get cast as a Gladiator at 5'2" tall, she must be amazing.  I'm guessing she knows how to fly or something.  At any rate, I can't wait to see her stand next to Hellga.



I'll say it--Venom looks dumb.  I hate to stereotype the blonde, but she isn't giving me much else to go on.  With a face like that, I'm surprised they didn't name her Vacant.

OK, so who's your fave?  Least fave?  Will you be joining me in the Hellga Fan Club?  And what do you think of the fact that the costumes are so heavy on black and silver, with minimal red and blue accents?  I get that we're trying to be futuristic here, but I think a bit more color might be nice.  It would do wonders to offset Fury's camel toe, that's for damn sure.

This Week In Internet: Vodka, Christmas, Ideas, and a Crooked Mailman

Another light link load this week, as my struggle to finish work projects and buy presents before Christmas continues.  May you at least find them high in quality, if not quantity:

I'm kind of in awe of the man who chugged all that vodka to avoid checking his bag.  Liquor goes down pretty harsh when your only chasers are stubbornness and defiance.

In Conclusion, I Give Myself an A++ At Life

What I'm about to say is probably the most shocking thing a blogger ever could, and no, it's not that I'm quitting, because please--that would not be a shocking thing for a blogger to say.  Bloggers quit all the time.  Actually, what I want to say is this:

I am sooooo sick of talking about myself today.

I know, I know: gasps all around, Earth screeches to a halt, etc.  But people, I have been writing my annual self-assessment for work all day today, and it has been no picnic.  It turns out that even I have my limits when it comes to writing endless paragraphs about myself.  Weird.

On top of all of that, I'm not so keen about the concept of the self-assessment in general.  Shouldn't it go without saying that I think I'm great at my job?  Aren't I pretty much the least objective person in the entire world when it comes to judging the performance of . . . me?  Why are my standards so important?  Maybe I consider it a productive day if I manage to do a near-professional hemming job on my pants with only a stapler and some Wite-Out tape. 

These are all things I thought today as I stared at my computer screen and attempted to brag about myself without sounding completely ridiculous.

So, what did I end up saying?  The usual: I'm awesome, people love me, I invented sunshine, and I currently have six major motion picture studios interested in producing a biopic about my life starring Hillary Swank as the desktop publisher with a heart of gold.

And a pant leg ful of staples.

This Week In Internet:

I barely have any links today because I spent most of my online time this week shopping (unsuccessfully) for Christmas presents.  Regardless, here's what I do have:

OK, have a good weekend.

Pancake's First Snow

Yesterday was Pancake's first experience with snow.


It was immediately followed by his first experience with coming in from the snow and curling up like a baby bunny rabbit.


And that was immediately followed by the 9th cuteness-induced heart attack I have had in the past week.