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25 posts from January 2008

Mothers, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Not Be Media Whores

I haven't written much about celebrities here over the past couple months, but that doesn't mean I haven't been paying attention to them.  It mainly means that most celebrity news has been so depressing that it's not worth commenting on.

Anyway, US Weekly reported today that not only is Angelina Jolie pregnant, but that their source informs them "Jolie may sell the confirmation [of her pregnancy], with the money going to charity."  If this is true, it is the most ridiculous thing since cheeseburgers in a can

I can already picture some aid worker in Africa spooning an extra half-portion of rice into some AIDS orphan's bowl and saying, "Guess what, little child?  Everyone gets more gruel today because a rich American woman who gets off on being withholding is pregnant.  Eat up, little one, so you can stay strong and maybe live long enough to be adopted by that same woman someday."

And what's this shit about selling birth announcements and "exclusive first baby pictures" and stuff anyway?  I don't care if you're donating the profits, keeping them, or sticking them up a chicken's butt and calling them feathers--it's a nauseating trend.

Our Target Demographic is Women Who Don't Understand the Word "Dramatization"

Behold, the ad for the new Maybelline Volume Seduction XL Lip Plumper (click to enlarge):


Can we zoom in, please?


Gee, thanks, Maybelline.  Despite such clever lines as "The proof is in the pout," I didn't really get the concept of lip plumping until you explained it with this picture that is evidently not even of what your product actually does.

How fake must that picture be for them to have had to label it as a 'dramatization?'  I thought they could get away with any amount of editing and retouching as long as they had actually used the product.

You Read That Right

B0000026t201lzzzzzzz With all the reality shows there are out there to get involved in, you'd think the ex-members of a boy band would never have to actually get back into performing; nevertheless, New Kids on the Block have an announcement to make:

After months of speculation and rumor, the Kids are coming back. A well-placed source tells PEOPLE exclusively that New Kids On The Block are indeed getting back together.

The band's Web site,, which had been dormant, is now back up and running in anticipation of the official announcement, which the source says will be made in the next few weeks. (Source)

The People article also notes that the group's ages now run from 35 on the low end (Joey McIntire) to 40 (Jonathan Knight).  That makes all of them plenty old enough to be Hannah Montana's father.

UPDATE: Could this "reunion" be merely a reality show, or even nothing at all?  And which would be worse?

Saturday Morning Pancake Breakfast: Pancake's Advocate

Whenever Ben comes to visit, I get excited to have an extra set of hands and ask him to help me with some of the most squirm-a-rific Pancake tasks, like giving him baths and cutting his nails.  Unfortunately, since Ben wants to be the dog's favorite, he is unable to bring himself to inflict even the slightest amount of discomfort upon him.  Instead, he usually just ends up sitting there watching me struggle without actually, you know, helping.  Then, when I'm done, he scoops Pancake up and comforts him so the dog will associate me with doing un-fun things and Ben with rescuing him from them.

In this picture, taken after yesterday's bath, Ben has just plucked Pancake from the treacherous waters of the bathtub and swaddled him in the fluffiest towel imaginable, leaving me to clean up the puddles while he cuddles Pancake and reassures him that he would never subject him to anything as cruel as a bath, because he loves him the most.


Pancake sure is lucky to have someone looking out for his best interests like that.

This Week In Internet: Revenge, Coyotes, the Moon

Here are this week's links:

  • First off, I am addicted to the Daily Coyote--daily photo updates from a woman raising a coyote in her cabin in Wyoming.
  • Awesome story: woman sees ad and thinks her boss is replacing her, woman destroys $2.5 million worth of company data as revenge, woman . . . finds out she was wrong.
  • The world's flags, graded based on appearance.
  • I ordered this keychain last week (in the pattern shown) and it shipped nice and fast, and now I love it.  You should get one too--lots of good color and pattern choices.
  • Could you survive on the moon?  Apparently I couldn't.
  • Everyone who has ever told me I suck at driving should know that I scored 100% on this test.
  • How to open a beer bottle with a dollar bill: I must remember this for the next time we are all sitting around with a bunch of Blue Moons and sad faces because we don't have an opener.
  • The world's most controversial boardgames.
  • Essay by a Jeopardy! writer.

Let me know if any of you pass that moon quiz.

Don't Bee Ridiculous

I am in the process of planning a baby shower for my eight-months-pregnant older sister Kelly.  The baby shower I am hosting will also be the first baby shower I've ever attended, so naturally I'm doing a lot of preparation and research--and by "preparation and research," I mean I am intrepidly making my way through the great, sugary clump of Comic-Sans-heavy sites on the Internet that claim to make planning a baby shower a fun and enjoyable activity.  I'm beginning to understand how this works.

7053008 For example, it is my understanding that apparently, nothing celebrates impending birth like visual metaphors and uninspired puns.
Just about every single available baby shower theme, favor, or decoration on the Internet involves some sort of cutesy reference to peas in pods or other crap.  You can give out "Mommy to Bee" honey, for example, or candles shaped like cinnamon buns fresh out of the oven.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find a set of miniature doors with "Knocked Up" stenciled on them, which I think would be tasteful.  Maybe I can make little bundles of corn seeds and tie them with a ribbon that says "About to Pop."

Most baby shower websites include playing a bunch of wacky, baby-themed games, like this one:

Have each         participant take a bottle filled with a liquid and suck the bottle as a baby would. The         woman who drinks the most in an alloted time wins the baby shower gift. This baby shower         game gets everyone laughing!

I'm sure this game would get everyone laughing--at me.  As in, "Ha, ha.  If you think I am going to do this, you are insane."  Maybe the women I know are different from those in other regions of the country, but I cannot picture a single one of them voluntarily drinking out of a bottle in an attempt to win a lame favor.

Another one of our favorite baby shower games is the baby shower version of Pin The Tail on the Donkey. Blindfold each participant and then give them a paper baby to then approach the mom and place the baby as close to the tummy as possible. The one who gets closest to placing the paper baby on the pregnant tummy wins.

What? How hard is it to find someone's stomach, especially when it has become expanded enough to accommodate an almost-fully-formed baby human?!?! Also, what's in it for the pregnant lady?  Sorry, but I doubt my sister is game for standing around and getting poked repeatedly in the stomach.  Next.

Yet another game (Guess the Gerber's!) involves blindfolding people and feeding them baby food, then having them guess what they are eating.

What is the obsession with eating and drinking like a baby?! That's like saying the best way to prepare for getting a dog is to eat dog food, or the best way to buy a car is to first drink a quart of gasoline.

This game is one of the funniest and most popular baby shower games. Have the baby shower host or appointed person moderately melt 5-10 different candy bars separately, placing each one in a diaper to be viewed by everyone. Mark each diaper as A, B, C, D, etc. Have everyone guess which candy is in each of the diapers. Make sure to use some candies that have nuts, toffee, caramel, etc. You are sure to get great laughs!

Let's not forget Diaper E, in which I will place the remains of my brain, which just exploded.

Now, I should be clear and say that I actually do not hate the task of planning this baby shower at all; I'm glad to do it.  However, I'm going to do it in a way that doesn't involve fake poop.

The Amazing Race

Clinton and Obama got in some real zingers during yesterday's South Carolina debate, and it got me thinking about how awesome it would be if MTV would host the Presidential Debates: Yo Mama edition. Like the original, it would be hosted by Wilmer Valderama.  The candidates would gather on the roof of some building in downtown L.A. and go at it while urban teenagers "Oh, snap"-ed in the background.  My feeling is that this would be a win-win arrangement, because it would get young people involved in the Democratic process while also letting Hil, Barack, and J.E. get out some of that passive-aggressive angst.

Come to think of it, I'm dying to see the Presidential candidates on both sides get involved in any type of reality show setup.  I can already picture the Real World scenario in which a grumpy John McCain gets in the confessional and complains he got no sleep last night because Dennis Kucinich accused Barack Obama of stealing his vegan meatloaf, and then the shit hit the fan.  I would also enjoy a Survivor setup (Democrat tribe vs. Republican tribe, natch), because it would be interesting to see the candidates trying not to get votes.

It's your turn to speak out, America--what would you like to see?  Mitt Romney on The Apprentice?  Mike Huckabee on Queer Eye?  Hillary Clinton on Flavor of Love?  Choose or lose!

What Are You Doing?

Usually, when someone calls me and asks what I am up to, I say, "Nothing."  However, thanks to the Wii (Super Mario Galaxy, specifically), the following are answers I have been able to give to that question over the past couple of weeks.

  • "Trying to kill this baby dinosaur."
  • "Being depressed, because I keep falling into the toxic swamp."
  • "Diving for golden seashells."

It really tends to start the conversation off on a good foot.

Sunday Morning Pancake Breakfast, 1/20: And the Squeaky Dolphin Shall Never Again Terrorize the People of This Land

When Pancake's really into playing with a toy, he starts rolling around and wiggling on the bed like he's play fighting it or something.  I don't really know anything about dog behavior, but I'm assuming he's satisfying his terrier urge to kill small mammals or whatever.  Either way, it is really roly-poly and cute when he does it, but in freeze frame it makes him look rabid and deranged.


I like that they come out this way, though, because I think it more aptly characterizes how he feels in these moments--like Pancake McMahoncake, Ferocious Tough Guy and Menace to Squeaky Toys Everywhere.