Simple Ways to Humiliate Your Dog
Apr 16, 2008
Clearly I make my fair share of ridiculous purchases, but there are some pet products out there that are too ridiculous even for me. Today, a rundown of some of the more bizarre items I've come across in the past few months.
Item: Casual Canine Deluxe Backpack Pet Carrier On Wheels
Features: "The ergonomic, hands-free benefits of a backpack with the convenience and easy mobility of a wheeled carrier"
Suggested Retail Value: $59.99
The good news about this product is that from the front, nobody will be able to tell what a wack-a-doo you are. However, the benefits end as soon as you turn around and people see that you've chosen to transport Fido in a clunky rolling suitcase mounted on your back. Therefore, I would recommend this product to non-confrontational types who prefer to have people laughing at them as they walk away instead of in front of their faces.
Item: Jeep Wrangler Pet Stroller
Features: "Durable mesh sides protect pet from bugs and provide plenty of
ventilation; storage bag for toys, waterproof tray for treats and cup
holders"
Suggested Retail Value: $129.99
If you're thinking of buying this dog stroller, I have a better idea for you:
- Send the $130 to me instead.
- I
will ship you a T-shirt screen-printed with "I'm afraid no one will
want to have children with me, so I treat my dog like a human baby!"
- LET YOUR DOG WALK. IT HAS LEGS.
Item: Top Performance Hair Dye Gels
Features: "Bright, fun colors for stylish pets!"
Suggested Retail Value: $9.99 per jar
Hey, pretty poodle. Spaying got you down? I have the perfect way to make up for all of that femininity you lost when your ovaries were snatched from you as you slept--purple and pink hair!!
Item: East Side Collection Royalty Caps
Features: "The Crowning Touch to High-End Pet Fashion (Coordinates with our Royalty Jerseys--see item ZA572 for a complete ensemble)"
Suggested Retail Value: $6.99-$9.99
If I had a dime for every time I'd wanted to make my dog look like one of those old ladies in visors playing penny slots at Atlantic City, I'd have . . . zero dimes.
Surprisingly, this visor does nothing to cover up the look of complete sadness and resignation in this dog's eyes. You'd think it would at least do that.
Item: Dry Bones Dog Umbrella
Features: "built in leash hook, easy grip"
Suggested Retail Value: $19.99
You get the point by now. This is dumb. I'm going to get dinner now.
Almost all of these products seemed to be geared towards small dog owners. I guess big dog owners have more shame?
Posted by: the mayor | Apr 16, 2008 at 10:11 PM
Terrible...buying all of them...
Posted by: Ben | Apr 17, 2008 at 05:18 AM
do you know how difficult it is to fit under an umbrella with your dog, AND keep it low enough to repel the wet? that dry bones dog umbrella is GENIUS.
Posted by: vero | Apr 17, 2008 at 09:34 AM
i'm with vero on the umbrella. wet dog stank is the worst. the other items are freakin ridiculous.
Posted by: meg' | Apr 17, 2008 at 09:59 AM
where do you get pancake's harnesses? they're awesome.
Posted by: i just picked a tick off the dog and liked it | Apr 17, 2008 at 10:32 AM
I spoil the hell out of my dog but if I got those, I hope someone would hit me upside my head.
Posted by: Jamie | Apr 17, 2008 at 11:10 AM
I once saw a lady with a similar backpack, except it had a BIRD in it. Like she was walking her parrot. One of the strangest things I've ever seen, and living in Vermont, I see a lot of strange things.
Posted by: Jill | Apr 17, 2008 at 11:16 AM
Awesome post. I hate every single one of these products. And even more so, those who both buy them and sell them. I can only hope these asinine ideas were the result of consuming 5 bottles of wine on an empty stomach, with the intention of finding out if people will truly buy ANYTHING. Just the same, I hope all purchases were made either online or off TV during a 4:00 AM nightcap of box wine and special brownies.
Posted by: Julie | Apr 17, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Alternate post title: "Things Lauren Could Buy to End Up Single"
Posted by: HotSauce | Apr 17, 2008 at 03:55 PM
I have to respectfully disagree with the commentor who said the dry bones umbrella is genius.
While that was my reaction initially, I am now seeing it another way. If it is raining out, the dog-walker will want an umbrella too (which I know personally, as a former dog-walker). I doubt you are going to see too many people holding a dog umbrella in one hand and a human umbrella in the other--it looks ridiculous, and would be quite awkward.
Posted by: Jerome | Apr 18, 2008 at 10:50 AM
The only exception would be if you have your butler walk your dog, because no one cares if a butler gets wet.
Posted by: Jerome | Apr 18, 2008 at 10:51 AM
humans often have raingear equipped with a head covering feature, dearest jerome. admittedly, my dog owns her own mini impermeable jacket with a hood, so my butler will never have to worry about a double umbrella dilemna. he uses his free hand for the pooper scooper.
Posted by: vero | Apr 18, 2008 at 03:13 PM
OK--I am reassured.
Posted by: Jerome | Apr 18, 2008 at 04:46 PM