LMNOP

Which of the following did not happen to me this week?

1. Quit my job
2. Got my foot run over by a car
3. Was diagnosed with narcolepsy

There is only one correct answer.

Saw this on the street a week ago and thought it was the funniest thing ever.  I don't know what it is about it that makes me laugh so hard, but there's something hilarious going on.

Tonight NBC will air the second-season premiere of American Gladiators, a show that I tend to get very excited about because I pretty much willed it into existence.  Last season I did a fair amount of prep work for the premiere, reading up on Gladiator bios and keeping a Google alert on "Gladiators" so I could stay on top of all the news.  This time around I only had time to quickly scan the NBC website, but it looks like some major changes are afoot.  First, let's take a look at the new Gladiators.

Jet

You may recognize Jet as Monica, the hottie soccer mom who won last season.  Now she's back with bangs, blue hair, and some serious muscles.  Her physical transition from mom to Mom-azon is pretty convincing, so it will be interesting to see tonight if she can talk the talk and walk the walk.

Rocket

This is Evan, last year's male winner.  He's noticeably shrimpier than the other male Gladiators--he basically looks like the "Before" picture of Titan in a steroids ad.  Perhaps he can make up for his disappointingly human physique by displaying speed and charisma, or perhaps Hellga will eat him for breakfast tomorrow.  We'll see.

Phoenix

Two of last season's female Gladiators are not back this year (more on that a little later on in the post), and Replacement Gladiator Phoenix's name seems to be an awkward symbol of the fact that she has risen from the ashes created by the other ladies' firings.  She also has pink hair. 

I do not know how I feel about Phoenix.

Here are the returning Gladiators:

Crush

Crush is lacing up her corset for another season.  I approve.

Hellga

Even though she didn't get a lot of camera time last season, Hellga is back.  I am hoping she gets to do more than just shoot tennis balls out of a cannon this year.

Siren

In my opinion, Siren was a bit underrated last year.  I am hoping she gets a little more attention in Season 2.

Venom

I've already forgotten if I liked or disliked Venom last season.  Hopefully she'll make a stronger impression this year.

Justice

Justice is awesome, if for know other reason than you can kind of tell that he is a bad sport.

Militia

Militia was pretty meh last year, despite his gay porn past and safety-patrol-belt uniform.  I'm not expecting much from him.

Titan

Titan became my favorite male Gladiator over the course of Season One, and I will continue to have room for him in my heart for as long as he continues to have room for a normal-sized person in his thighs.

Toa

Toa was pretty solid last year.  Glad he's back.

Wolf

Wolf emerged as the Gladiator we loved to hate last season, and although he looks molest-y I am glad he is back to fill that role.  I still do not intend to ever be within 300 feet of him, though.

Finally, three Gladiators got the boot!

Mayhem

I was not a huge fan of Mayhem, but I'm actually a little surprised he won't be back.  He seemed to be a pretty standard Gladiator.

Fury

This surprises me not at all.  Judging from the awful hair and costume she was subjected to, it seems clear that Fury had made enemies in the production department. 

Stealth

Stealth was a little too stealthy last year, because she completely flew under the radar and was perhaps the least-noticeable Gladiator of all.  Evidently this did not win her many fans.

Here's Pancake as he tries to steal and run away with Ben's Cowboys hat; of course, most people in this area would probably applaud his effort to get rid of such an offensive item.

Rainy days = no trips to the park = sad Pancake.

 

This weekend Ben and I had lunch with my sister and her husband and Caedan, and since we were early we decided to kill time in the library down the street from the restaurant.  This turned out to be the best decision ever made, because it led to the discovery of the Dictionary of American Slang.

The book was written in 1998 and, if you can't make out the words on the cover, contains "over 2000 new terms from 'awesome' to 'zorch.'"

Zorch?

Zorch.

To convey or transfer quickly, e.g. "This file transfer program . . . really zorches those files through the network."

I'm so using that exact sentence at work tomorrow.

Below, check out the entry for my favorite new phrase, "macho it out."

I also love how if you look up "mackerel" you are directed to see the entry for "holy cats."

We probably could have stayed and looked at that dictionary for hours, but maybe it's better that we had a lunch to get to.  Otherwise I'm pretty sure I would have kept taking camera phone pictures until I ran out of memory.  

A commenter has brought an interesting issue to my attention.  Be it known that I wrote the following in yesterday's post:

Sure, some color wood be nice, but you could do a lot worse.

I have nothing to say for myself.  Instead I will just fill space by posting this picture of me, Lauren McMahon, the college graduate.  Who graduated college.  With a college degree.

So recently, for no reason other than the fact that I was bored, I decided to browse the Microsoft clip art installed on my computer and choose which image I would use if I were being forced to get a clip art tattoo.  As you may have guessed, this turned out to be a very challenging task, because clip art is unbelievably cheesy. With that in mind, if you are ever forced at gunpoint to get Microsoft clip art tattooed on your body, here are some guidelines you may want to keep in mind.

First off, avoid searching for stars, hearts, and shamrocks. These were the things I looked for first, because I imagined there would be plenty of choices available; plus, how tacky could a simple shape get?

Answer: very.  I combed through many results, and rejected them all on various counts.  Some were too '90s;

others, too tacky;

still others, too computer-y;

and some were all three.

However, I had some luck when I searched for a couple of other generic tattoo shapes, like snakes and anchors. Although I would not personally want any of those things as a tattoo, there were definitely some simplistic illustrations available that might work for someone else.

Sure, some color wood be nice, but you could do a lot worse (see "iLuvU" above).

If you're religiously inclined, I think you'll be disappointed with what Microsoft Office has to offer, unless maybe this is the kind of thing you want permanently on your body:

Or, for the Jews:

Also, bad news for Toa.  The search term "tribal" brings up a pretty pathetic design that I'm ranking NSFG--Not Suitable for Gladiators.

I'm still undecided on what I would get for myself, but to conclude this post I'd like to make some Clip Art Tattoo suggestions for a few of my fave celebs.  For Miley Cyrus, I recommend something nice and youthful to offset scandal and remind people she's a kid:

And since Diddy is currently trying to break into the acting biz, I think a little symbol of his new passion would be very tasteful and appropriate.

And finally, for Tyra Banks--who must get tired of reminding us all how amazing she is--I recommend the following:

She's lucky--not many people have the forehead real estate to pull that off.

I guess this is more of a Sunday Afternoon Pancake Brunch, but these things happen.

This morning, as we are talking on the phone, Ben tells me suddenly that he has to go.  10 minutes later he calls back, and the following conversation ensues:

Me: What was so urgent ten minutes ago?

Ben: I had to finish making a reading brochure for my students' parents.

Me: That's really lame.

Ben: Guess what I put on the cover?

Me: (sarcastically) I don't know--"Reading is FUNdamental?"

Ben: You know it!

Me: Seriously?

Ben: Yup!

Me: That's what you put?

Ben: Yes, that's what I put.

Me: God, that is so lame.

Ben: What?  I haven't heard anyone use that phrase in a while.  I'm bringing it back!

That's right--my boyfriend is bringing "Reading is FUNdamental" back.  Justin Timberlake, eat your heart out.