The 2009 Golden Globes were on last night, and since nothing helps exorcise my pent-up bitchiness better than smug celebs in formalwear, I was ALL OVER THAT SHIT. And while I love checking my gossip sites the day after awards shows to see all the Best Dressed and Worst Dressed lists, I've long felt that such simplistic categories do a great injustice to the Hollywood set. Actors are complex, multifaceted people; so, rather than stuff them into one-size-fits-all categories of Best and Worst, I've invented a much more robust system that recognizes their intricacies and special qualities.
[click any pic for a larger image]
Best Use of a Hot Topic Gift Card: Heidi Klum
Usually, Heidi Klum can do no wrong in my eyes. But she also usually doesn't dress like a random goth at high school prom.
Best Use of a Smug-Ass Smile: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (Tie)
Brad may not be getting any hotter these days, but he is getting wiser: aviator shades will go far to protect his eyes from the glare of Angie's halo.
Best Auxiliary Dress: Eva Mendes
Actually, Eva Mendes looks great. But she also kiiiiiiiinda looks like she stapled an extra dress to her hip in case she spilled something on the first one. Eva, may I suggest a lobster bib next time? Much more streamlined.
Most Revealing Dress to Also Look Horrifyingly Matronly: Renee Zellweger
Granted, Renee Zellweger could wear the most gorgeous dress in the world and still look awful as long as she employs her famous default facial expression of "sourpuss squinting at a solar eclipse while swallowing a handful of needles," but this is just an abomination.
Best "Josie Grosie" Throwback: Drew Barrymore
Doesn't that hair look a little too much like this? Drew Barrymore would have looked better dressing up as ANY OTHER character she has played in her life. Even the little girl in E.T.
Best Use of 1992 Technology: Lisa Rinna
This dress looks like your average hideous geometric pattern at first--until you stare at it long enough and the 3-D Magic Eye dinosaur appears. Good save, Rinna!
Best Use of an Iron: The Top of Rachel Griffifths' Dress
Worst Use of an Iron: The Bottom of Rachel Griffifths' Dress
Am I forgetting anyone?