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Awards I Would Like to Give to Various Minor League Baseball Teams

Minor League baseball teams have some ridiculous names.  This is clearly a tactic designed to humiliate the players and make them want to practice really hard so they will get promoted to a major league team with a more normal name.  Or maybe it's not.  I don't really care.  I am giving them awards anyway.

Team with the Least Understanding of How Plural Nouns Work: The Buffalo Bisons

Buffalo-BisonsI'm pretty sure "bison" is already the plural form of "buffalo," so what does adding an 's' to an already-plural word do?  I guess it makes it a baseball team.  Or a baseballs teams.  Even more confusingly, the Bisons's's's' (I'm pretty sure that is grammatically correct in this situation) logo features just ONE buffalo.  To have even a prayer of being accurate, it should probably feature multiple herds of them.

Team That Sounds Most Like a Band Name: The Jupiter Hammerheads
Probably not a good band, though.

Vacuum Cleaner-iest: The Tri-City Dust Devils
Tri-City_Dust_Devils Contrary to what you would think, the Tri-City Dust Devils' mascot is not a vacuum; it's a weird cyclone thing with devil horns.  This is a missed opportunity, if you asked me.  Tornadoes are hateable, unpredictable spells of nature at its worst; vacuums are sleek, fearful things that kill dust and scare dogs.  Clearly a wiser choice to model yourself after.

Team That Probably Sells the Most Merchandise to College Boys: The Modesto Nuts
This is what a Modesto Nuts jersey looks like:
How many 21-year-old guys do you know that would NOT want that??

Team That Sounds Most Like Something You Would Order at an IHOP: The Montgomery Biscuits
Um, BISCUITS?  This is possibly the best team name ever.  (Of course, I named my dog Pancake, so my bias for breakfast names is clearly showing.)

Most Likely to Have Outsourced Its Mascot-Naming Duties to a Seven-Year-Old on Acid: The Fort Wayne Tin Caps
Just hearing the team name of "Tin Caps," what would you picture their mascot as being??  The rusty top of an can, maybe?  Or a baseball hat made out of tin?  Did the words "AN APPLE WEARING A FREAKING POT ON ITS HEAD" happen to cross your mind?  No?  Maybe because you are not a small child on big drugs.

Biggest NERRRRRRRRRDS: The Albuquerque Isotopes
Their mascot is a giant, plush electron.  That should say it all.

Team That Probably Gets the Most Free Pool Shoes: The Everett AquaSox

You know what is a good thing to name a baseball team after?  Dorky shoes that fill up with water and make your feet really heavy.


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Bison and buffalo aren't plural forms of each other.

I think it surely must be a reference to the Plains Bison sub-species, better known to biologists as Bison bison bison. That probably didn't fit on their jerseys, so they simplified it to "Bisons".


Isn't the baseball team on The Simpsons the Isotopes?

James Buchanan

Em- true. The Springfield Isotopes.

Lauren - The Aquasox's mascot isn't even an aqua sock -- it's a frog! WHAT? Horrible.

I think the Montgomery Biscuits have the cutest mascot.


The fans selected their name in a promotion and chose to go with the Simpsons reference. Does that make them more or less nerdy?

Wikipedia source.

a 7 year old on drugs

Johnny Appleseed wore a tin cap on his head, which is why the angry, tin-cap-wearing apple mascot made sense to me. Also because of who I am.




A butter tongue? Oh yeah, that Biscuit is delish.

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