The Olympics start this Friday, which means I will soon start watching
NBC every night instead of just Thursdays. For reasons previously
mentioned on this blog, I continue to love me some Olympics, and the
Vancouver games will be no exception.
I've been wanting to do some sort of Olympic preview on this blog,
but I really don't know much about any of the sports or athletes.
(Rather than overdo it on trying to prep myself with this type of
knowledge, I prefer to let Bob Costas fill me in on the details as we
go. I trust him more than he must trust whoever does that shiny,
never-changing hair of his.) So--what to preview?
I did a little research on some of the
outfits we will be seeing on our U.S. Olympians at the Vancouver games,
and they run the gamut from cool to . . . the U.S. snowboarding team
outfit. (It involves fake jeans. You'll see.)
First up, we have the Opening Ceremonies outfits for Team USA, designed by Ralph Lauren. See them below:
I'm liking the jacket. The hat is pretty OK, but also ridiculous
enough that it will look hilarious on some of the athletes, which is
always a plus. But whoa--pants. Paaaaaaaants. If I have learned one
thing from dropping whatever I am doing and watching the movie Apollo 13
single time it comes on TBS, it is that those pants are exactly what
1960s astronauts wear as long johns under their space suits. And while
there's nothing more American than the space race, come on--astronaut
undies did not need to be reincarnated and put on the bodies of our
finest snowthletes in 2010.
Nike has designed these outfits for our
medalists to wear on the stand. The recurring theme here already seems
to be "Vancouver 2010: Questionable Pants." While I am once again OK
with the jacket choice, those pants are a little on the dumpy side.
And pants that are a little on the dumpy side on models are going to be
a lot on the dumpy side on people with Olympic athlete-grade leg
Here is a shot of the US Snowboarding Team uniform. Plaid coat complete with Tool Academy patch, and--why yes, those are fake
jeans made from Gore-tex
. Because snowboarding is edgy and
extreme! And nothing says "extreme" like A DENIM ILLLLUSION!!!!! (Read
this in your G.O.B. Bluth
USA Hockey is going with a retro look, which I like. I sign off on
these uniforms. They're not too exciting, but let's be honest--neither
is your typical ice hockey player.
Bobsled and Freestyle Ski
These two are grouped together because, as this article
explains, they were both created by Under Armour with an "Evil Knievel
aesthetic" in mind. These uniforms are obviously awesome. I love
them. I want the ski outfit (right) to be my pajamas, and the bobsled
outfit (left) to be what I wear everyday secretly under my clothes.
The ski outfit in particular looks like what Captain America would wear
to fix cars.
The design of luge uniforms, as this article informs us
is "critical in a sport where fractions of a second make the
difference." With that in mind, Team USA actually chose uniforms
manufactured by a Canadian company called Karbon after testing suits
from four different companies in a wind tunnel facility. While I give
these uniforms points for being wind-tunnel-approved, I must dock
points for the use of flames. Flames are soooooooo cheesy, and they
don't even make sense when it comes to connoting speed in winter
sports. Here, flames don't represent speed, they represent melting
your playing field.
Picture this: you have trained, day in and day out, practically since
you started walking, to master a sport and become one of the best in
your country. You beat out others in the Olympic trials to represent
your country on the greatest international stage in a centuries-old
competitive tradition. And after all the blood, sweat and tears . . .
they make you wear this:
God bless America.
That's all I can find for now to preview, but it's good to leave some things to surprise us anyway. In conclusion: USA! USA!