LMNOP

The Olympics start this Friday, which means I will soon start watching NBC every night instead of just Thursdays.  For reasons previously mentioned on this blog, I continue to love me some Olympics, and the Vancouver games will be no exception. 

I've been wanting to do some sort of Olympic preview on this blog, but I really don't know much about any of the sports or athletes.  (Rather than overdo it on trying to prep myself with this type of knowledge, I prefer to let Bob Costas fill me in on the details as we go.  I trust him more than he must trust whoever does that shiny, never-changing hair of his.)  So--what to preview?

Obvi.  Clothes.

I did a little research on some of the outfits we will be seeing on our U.S. Olympians at the Vancouver games, and they run the gamut from cool to . . . the U.S. snowboarding team outfit.  (It involves fake jeans.  You'll see.)


First up, we have the Opening Ceremonies outfits for Team USA, designed by Ralph Lauren.  See them below:


I'm liking the jacket.  The hat is pretty OK, but also ridiculous enough that it will look hilarious on some of the athletes, which is always a plus.  But whoa--pants.  Paaaaaaaants.  If I have learned one thing from dropping whatever I am doing and watching the movie Apollo 13 every single time it comes on TBS, it is that those pants are exactly what 1960s astronauts wear as long johns under their space suits.  And while there's nothing more American than the space race, come on--astronaut undies did not need to be reincarnated and put on the bodies of our finest snowthletes in 2010.


Nike has designed these outfits for our medalists to wear on the stand.  The recurring theme here already seems to be "Vancouver 2010: Questionable Pants."  While I am once again OK with the jacket choice, those pants are a little on the dumpy side.  And pants that are a little on the dumpy side on models are going to be a lot on the dumpy side on people with Olympic athlete-grade leg muscles.


Here is a shot of the US Snowboarding Team uniform.  Plaid coat complete with Tool Academy patch, and--why yes, those are fake jeans made from Gore-tex.  Because snowboarding is edgy and extreme!  And nothing says "extreme" like A DENIM ILLLLUSION!!!!! (Read this in your G.O.B. Bluth voice, please.)


USA Hockey is going with a retro look, which I like.  I sign off on these uniforms.  They're not too exciting, but let's be honest--neither is your typical ice hockey player.


These two are grouped together because, as this article explains, they were both created by Under Armour with an "Evil Knievel aesthetic" in mind.  These uniforms are obviously awesome.  I love them.  I want the ski outfit (right) to be my pajamas, and the bobsled outfit (left) to be what I wear everyday secretly under my clothes.  The ski outfit in particular looks like what Captain America would wear to fix cars.



The design of luge uniforms, as this article informs us, is "critical in a sport where fractions of a second make the difference."  With that in mind, Team USA actually chose uniforms manufactured by a Canadian company called Karbon after testing suits from four different companies in a wind tunnel facility.  While I give these uniforms points for being wind-tunnel-approved, I must dock points for the use of flames.  Flames are soooooooo cheesy, and they don't even make sense when it comes to connoting speed in winter sports.  Here, flames don't represent speed, they represent melting your playing field.

God bless America.

That's all I can find for now to preview, but it's good to leave some things to surprise us anyway.  In conclusion: USA! USA!