LMNOP

Sooooo . . . the Oscars were last night.  Because this is the biggest of them all, I will be doing today's fashion recap in true awards show format.  Here we go!

ROUND ONE: THE SHOWDOWNS
Award categories pitting two nominees against each other

Category: Worst Purple Monstrosity
And the nominees are: Charlize Theron and Zoe Saldana

Both of these enterprising young women came up with very creative approaches to looking horrible in purple.  On the one hand, Charlize took a straightforward bridemaid gown and enhanced it with boob-finder patches in a complementary shade; Zoe, on the other hand, pulled out all the stops--including the stop that was labeled, "CAUTION:  DO NOT WEAR SOMETHING THAT WOULD ONLY LOOK SEXY TO GRIMACE FROM McDONALD'S."

The envelope, please: This one has to go to Zoe Saldana.  Charlize, you tried; however, it was Zoe who spent the night kicking Grimace-balls around in an unrelenting attempt to be the worst in purple.

Category: Fleshiest
And the nominees are: Anna Kendrick, Demi Moore

It is one thing to wear a dress that fits you like a second skin; it is entirely another to wear a dress that is the exact same color as your skin.  For Anna, this meant wearing a pale pink-ish color; Demi, however, chose a slightly tanner selection from the exclusive EpidermalFormal  line of fabrics.

The envelope, please: I'm not sure how to judge this one.  I guess I'll give it to Demi for having the slightly closer tonal match, but does that really make her a winner?  I don't know.

Category: Best Dress Inspired by the Watercolors Hanging in My Old Orthodontist's Office
And the nominees are: Rachel McAdams, Maggie Gyllenhaal

You know, I definitely liked Maggie's dress, and I may even like Rachel's.  And I give them both credit for wearing prints to the Oscars.  However, I would be remiss in my duties as a total asshole if I did not point out that both prints look like they came straight off the wall of my orthodontist's office circa 1999.

The envelope, please: I liked Maggie's dress better overall, whereas Rachel's most closely brought home the watercolor repro motif for me.  So I am just going to give the award to orthodontists in general.  That seems fair.

Category: Most Confusing
And the nominees are: The Main Part of Jennifer Lopez's Dress, The Huge Other Part of Jennifer Lopez's Dress

This dress looked drastically different from every angle, which left me confused and slightly disoriented.  This is due in part to the bunchy construction, but also to the fact that I think it was annexing other pink dresses as the night went on.

The envelope, please: The title of "Most Confusing" will, in fact, go to the main part of the dress.  That is where all the problems began.  I think.

Category: The Best Old Lady in a Blue Dress Who's Married to a Guy Named James
And the nominees are: James Taylor's Wife (top pic), James Cameron's Wife (bottom pic)

I don't know what the F was up here, but these two women were basically wearing the same thing, right?  Awkward.

The envelope, please:  Mrs. Taylor FTW.  No sense breaking the Cameron family's losing streak now.

Category: Deadest Inside
And the nominees are: Kristen Stewart, Kathy Ireland

All I really have to say to these ladies is: HOLY GLAZED-OVER EYES AND FORCED SMILE, BAT-TO-THE-MAN.

(Long, cleansing sigh goes rrrrrright abouuuut heeeeeere.)

So, this is Kristen Stewart's thing.  She shows up at these events looking pained, depressed, and uncomfortable, forgetting that we all know that nobody is holding her hostage in Hollywood and forcing her to be an actress.  Yawn.  But where the hell did Kathy Ireland come from?  (Actually, I know: KMart.)  E! brought Ms. Ireland on to do red carpet interviews last night, and I have to say that I have never seen a human look and act less natural than she did.  (To give you an idea of how bad she was, just read here.)

The envelope, please: Tough call.  I'll give it to Kristen Stewart and hope she is uncomfortable with the attention.

ROUND TWO: THE ONE-OFFS
Awards that went unopposed

Best Combination of Bright Hair, Bright Dress, and Fading Relevance: Molly Ringwald

Because nothing matches not doing much since the '80s like BRIGHT-ASS PURPLE and BRIGHT-ASS RED!!! RIGHT?!!?!

"Look at Me, I'm with George Clooney"-ist: Elisabetta Canales

Most Likely to Have to Dress This Way So Her High-Ass Husband Can Find Her Easily: Woody Harrelson's Wife

The "Thank God They Left Her a Place to Put Her Hand" Award: Vera Farmiga

Best . . . Um . . . What?: Sarah Jessica Parker

Two things are guaranteed with SJP: 1.) she will always be dressed in something freakish; and 2.) and she will always look thrilled as shit to be in it.

The "Yikes, I Hope Your Dry Cleaner Doesn't Charge Extra for Removing the Quentin Tarantino Smell" Award: Diane Kruger
Meryl Streep-iest: Meryl Streep

Your thoughts?  Who did I miss?