LMNOP

It can be hard for busy Americans to stay up on news and current events. I know this because I am not busy at all, and yet sometimes I still forget to read the news because I am busy stacking mini Butterfingers into a perfect pyramid while humming The Cardigans' "Love Fool" as I wait for my dinnertime Pop Tarts to heat up. So anyway, here's a new feature called "Let's Read an Article Together." In this feature, you and I will read an important news article together, and then analyze it. (I mean really, I'm just doing those things alone, but "I Read an Article Together" makes absolutely no sense as a title for a feature.)

So . . . let's read an article together! Today's selection is called "'Twilight' model seeks glory," and it is from the New York Post. It is about the woman whose hands are on the cover art for Twilight. Here is her picture. You will note that she is wearing a necklace with a picture of her hands on it.

The article is pasted below, and our (my) analysis is in blue italics.

"Twilight" Model Seeks Glory

By JOSEPH GOLDSTEIN

Give her a hand -- please!

OK, we knew this would have hand jokes. That's one.

Kimbra Hickey wants some recognition for her pinky-size role in the "Twilight" phenomenon. Hers are the slender, ghostly hands cupping a red apple on the now-famous cover of the first hit book by Stephenie Meyer. But Hickey's lack of fame has her cracking her knuckles in frustration.

Oh, God. Three more sentences, two more hand jokes.

"It was major exposure for my hands," said the petite, 40-year-old model. "But nobody knew who I was."

Ah, the classic "my hands are famous, but the rest of me is not" dilemma!

So Hickey now stops anyone she sees reading the book to inform them of her contribution.

Wait. Really?

"I see people reading it on the subway, and I say, 'Those are my hands! I'm a hand model!' " she explained. "I'm sure they think I'm crazy -- a crazy lady on the subway."

They think you are crazy because you ARE crazy.

The good-natured Hickey sometimes hangs out near the cash register at the Barnes & Noble near her Greenwich Village apartment to spread the word. Surprised customers sometimes ask her for her autograph or to trace the outline of her hand on the book jacket.

Hahahaha. Oh, wow. This might actually be the best/most despeate thing anyone has ever done to get attention.

She even carries around a Gala apple in her purse at times so she can recreate the pose for people.

Ah. I see I spoke too soon.

"It was too big of a deal just to let it be," she said, although she admitted that she has become "a little goofy" about the whole thing. Hickey is a massage therapist who works a few days each month as a "parts models." It's her size-6 feet -- not her hands -- that land her most of her modeling gigs. Her tootsies have graced a Times Square billboard and the cover of magazines, she said. "I never see myself as having perfect hands," she explained. "I guess I'm just lucky that they photograph well."

For what it's worth, this lady seems like exactly the kind of person who sees herself as having perfect hands.

Hickey's agent, Danielle Korwin, said her hands are in demand because they are "veinless" -- not the sort of hands a vampire would like.

Finally! A more ridiculous job than hand model: hand model AGENT.

The 2004 photo shoot for the "Twilight" book cover paid $300 -- the industry standard for two hours of work. Hickey had to file her nails extra short so her tiny hands didn't look like an adult's.

Hm. Slightly creepy. Moving on.

Lately, she's been going to "Twilight" fan conventions -- she's at one this weekend in Portland, Ore. -- where she sells apple-scented hand lotion.

Actually, I hear that if you want your hands to smell like apples, it's more effective to just carry a Gala apple around all day.

So far, she knows of four "Twihards" -- as the vampire-romance fans are called -- who've gotten tattoos of her hands. Her goal is to break into acting.

Of course it is.

She's trying to contact the casting director for the fourth installment in the "Twilight" series.

Of course she is.

"If I could get a little background part, it would be fantastic," she said -- "even if they only wanted my hands in it."

Of course they will.