LMNOP

(Sorry to disappear. It's been an insane two weeks. But I am back now, I swear.)

So, every year Oprah does this favorite things episode where she gives the audience all the things she likes to wear and eat and stuff, like cashmere sweaters and $300 shoes and things that smell like vanilla and wealth. Then everyone gets a car and pretty much dies of happiness. Today I was thinking about how The Lauren's Favorite Things episode would go . . . a little differently. Here is how I picture it.

"Get ready, everyone, because today we are doing LAUREN'S FAVORITE THINNNNNGS!"

"YEAHHH! IS EVERYBODY READY?!?!?!"

"Awesome! The first thing I want to share with you is totally awesome--just great. I think you know what I'm talking about. You're all getting TRISCUITS!"

"That's right, you're all getting a box of America's favorite cracker that's not Wheat Thins or Ritz. But that's not all! You didn't think I would just give you crackers, did you? No way! We're going bigger--WAY BIGGER. ARE YOU READY?"

"YOU'RE ALL GETTING TEAL SWEATPANTS!!!!!!!! 

TEAL!!! 

SWEAT!!! 

PANTS!!!! 

TO SIT AND EAT TRISCUITS IN!"

"What? I didn't hear that. Anyway, I know this seems to good to be true, but I'm gonna sweeten the deal. Get ready--maybe sit down. YOU'RE. ALL. GETTING. DIET. COKE!

YOU GET A DIET COKE! AND YOU GET A DIET COKE! AND YOU GET A DIET COKE!

[End of episode]