LMNOP

Because I have as much right to critique the Oscars as anyone who dozed off approximately one hour into the broadcast, here are my official comments on the most important part: the clothes.

Natalie Portman

Dressing around a pregnancy can be difficult, but critics agreed that Portman really nailed it in this drapey plum Rodarte with "BITCHES U KNOW I'M GONNA WIN" emblazoned on the baby bump. Resplendent!

Cate Blanchett

So, the gallery I saw this in described Cate Blanchett as "always a fashion plate," and after I read that, I was like OMG. THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A HERE. A PLATE. A FASHION ONE. I mean, I kinda do like this dress, but wow--she really does look like what a plate would have turned into at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the household objects got to become human again, right? Yes. I'm right. 

Helen Mirren

She should seriously change her name from "Dame Helen Mirren" to "Damnnn, Helen Mirren."

Penelope Cruz

So, I had to stare at this for like six minutes before I realized what was bothering me about it, but then it hit me. This is the exact costume that would be worn by the person playing Jupiter in a production of The Solar System on Ice. Like, exactly. The Great Red Spot is there and everything.

(Sidenote: why is there no such thing as a Solar System on Ice show?)

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are lucky they are famous, because otherwise they would be one of those couples people are always awkwardly mistaking for brother and sister. (Or maybe even sister and sister. Keith Urban's face is, like, 40% more feminine than mine is.)

Also, Andrea, you are correct: the official three-letter description of this dress is WTF.

Reese Witherspoon

I liked this dress!

In 2001.

At my prom.

Anne Hathaway and Sandra Bullock

I am grouping these two ladies together. If they had looked any more alike last night, they would have been Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Looks like soooooomebody heard I was casting Solar System on Ice and is gunning for the part of Mercury. Subtle, Gwynnie--rrrrreal subtle.

Scarlett Johansson

Remember when everyone used to be obsessed with ScarJo? Right now that time seems about as far away as the beet farm beauty pageant this dress should have been worn to.

Florence Welch

Very cool, if you like that "Tilda Swinton at a square dance" vibe. You don't? Ah, then. Sorry.

Sharon Stone

Someone please tell her she's already scary.

Marisa Tomei

This dress starts off awkwardly, takes a weird turn about halfway through, and then just becomes an absolute trainwreck. OH, GOD: IT'S THE DRESS EQUIVALENT OF A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

Virginia Madsen

Am I hallucinating, or is this the second time in recent memory that Virginia Madsen has shown up to something looking like Cruella De Vil? Can someone research that? Preferably not an L.A.-based dalmatian owner, though--you should be busy hiding your dog(s) right now.

Amy Adams

I like Amy Adams, and I enjoyed this combo of red hair and navy sparkle. Which is why I feel bad for . . .

Dale Dickey

Same concept, but a little less cute.

Nancy O'Dell

Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul

. . . What? 

I'll close this recap with a GIF (source) of my fave moment of the night: Helena Bonham Carter reacting to hearing her own name called in the list of Best Supporting Actress nominations:

Love her.

THE END.

P.S. Thanks go to Emily for letting me bounce jokes off of her all day.