LMNOP

(This is in reference to a story about how, very early on in my first ever professional job, I ripped my cheap pants clear open when dropping to a squat in the file room to grab some binders and then had to spend the rest of the day holding said binders over my ass whenever I walked down the hall.)

In all honesty, this is probably the most complimentary outcome you can expect to a conversation that starts with someone saying they just finished systematically telling 70 people about the time you split your pants open.

And, later . . . 

Hopefully I have done enough of these fashion recaps where I can now skip writing an intro justifying my continued renewal of this petty exercise and just get straight to the gown sniping.

HERE WE GO!

KRISTEN WIIG

More like KRISTEN TWIIG, amirite?!?!

(Because she's skinny AND wearing brown! Get it?! Hahahahahatemyself)

KATIE HOLMES

Wasn't sure if my joke for this one made sense, so I took it for outside counsel:

Approved. "Sports bra of Frankenstein" it is. If that makes no sense, thank Emily.

JON HAMM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND,WHO KEEPS WEARING BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER COLORS SO THAT MAYBE PEOPLE WILL SEE HER NEXT TO JON HAMM

I guess I'm a bad person for never remembering this woman's name. But, in all seriousness, if I were Jon Hamm's girlfriend, I would literally change my name to John Hamm's Girlfriend, and if she hasn't already done that, it's not really my fault. (Also: in my head I sometimes think of them as "Jon Hamm and Jon Her," which doesn't even make sense. But there you have it.)

JANE KRAKOWSKI

Jane didn't get the Emmy she was up for, but she is definitely this year's recipient of the "Hulk Hogan Skin" Award. It's not an Emmy, but it's something.

PAZ DE LA HUERTA

Should Jane Krawkowski not be able to fulfill her duties as shiniest orange woman in Hollywood, a replacement has been identified and is waiting in the wings.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Devil: So, Gwyneth, I have your contract ready for you to sign, regarding your face.
Gwyneth: Oh, great! Devil: Just to review the terms, you are selling me your soul.
Gwyneth: Yep.
Devil: In return, I am going to let you keep the same face you had in the 90s forever, without aging.
Gwyneth: Yes.
Devil: And you've further agreed to my condition that in order to keep the 90s face, you have to also dress like it's the 90s. And like, uncool 90s.
Gwyneth: (sighs) Yes.
Devil: OOOOK then. I think we're good to sign. Tell Chris I loved the new album. I play it all the time at Hell Orientation.

(BTW, joke is on the Devil. What the HELL is he going to do with Gwyneth Paltrow's soul?)

JULIANNA MARGOLIES

Gahhhh. Every award show, there is at ONE dress that I think is so ridiculous, but cannot for the life of me think of a good joke for. This year, this is that dress. The best thing I could think of was calling the big water droplet thingies a fashion "DEW" not, which is, basically the Julianna Margolies 2011 Emmy dress of jokes: a bad, bad choice.

JAYMA MAYS

So, the thing about Jayma Mays is that she always seems to be on trend and pitch perfect--for a CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. And I'm sure she's totally normal and cool and doesn't go home to one of those houses full of glass unicorns that all have specific names and need to be in certain places like on whatever movie I'm blanking about right now, but . . . God, I'm not sure of that at ALL.

This woman totally goes home to glass unicorns.

ELLIE KEMPER

Ellie Kemper's motto in life: "Dress for the job you want" 

Job Ellie Kemper wants: Person on the Funfetti cake mix box

Cold, dead, hands she will have to pry that offer letter (on Pillsbury Doughboy's letterhead) out of: MINE

I did like this dress, though.

OLIVIA MUNN

(Blah blah blah, Jolly Green Giant's special occasion bedsheets, blah blah blah, moving on)

ELIZABETH MOSS

I guess the thing about this dress that bothers me the most is that the sheer fabric makes it hard for me to tell where the dress ends and the slightly creepy actress I am absolutely certain I would hate in real life begins.

KELLY MACDONALD

This dress reminds me of those optical illusions that can be both two faces and a vase and a horrible thing to wear to an awards ceremony at the same time.

HEIDI KLUM AND SEAL

I mean, like, they look insane. But guess who doesn't care? Heidi Klum and Seal.

ALAN CUMMING

No, this actually totally works, and I love it.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL 

This dress fell flat for me, but in a boring way that I can't easily make fun of. JUST LIKE THE PREVIEWS FOR ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S SHOW! Heyooo.

JOEL McHALE

I love Joel McHale and am therefore not sure how to handle the inTENSEly strong Bruno Mars vibe I am getting from this outfit.

Ultimately, I think I will just ignore it. 

ANNA FARIS

Niche joke for people who played like 35 hours of The Sims 2 per week in college: somebody totally took a blank dress and went to Build mode and picked a floor tile pattern and Ctrl + clicked to fill on this one, right? Rrrrright.

DIANNA AGRON

I missed the red carpet interview where they asked Dianna who designed this dress, but I assume it was Eiffel 65.

PLAY US OUT, GUYS!

After he takes his initial (very thorough) walk-n-sniff tour of the yard each morning to see what changed overnight, Pancake likes to sit on the back patio step for a nice elevated view of his domain. This is the view I get when I check on him through the back door as I make my iced coffee and do my first conference calls of the day.

(BTW, thanks to the random commenter who pointed out that this pic should be captioned "cuteness" and not "cutness." The title has been corrected, but the URL speaks the truth . . .)