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December 2011
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6 posts from January 2012

A Couple of Longreads for SOPA Wednesday

I am using the SOPA blackout as a reason to start plowing through some of the longreads I saved for later but have yet to get back to. Join me if you like. Here are a couple of bookmarks I'm trying to get through today:

How Obama's Long Game Will Outsmart His Critics (recommended today by Billy)

The right calls him a socialist, the left says he sucks up to Wall Street, and independents think he's a wimp. Andrew Sullivan on how the president may just end up outsmarting them all.  

The Search for a More Perfect Kilogram

The perfect kilogram is getting lighter. Can science find a better measure?

Can Accused Killer Seth Winder Stay Sane Long Enough to Stand Trial?

For the friends and family of Richard Hernandez, justice seemed imminent -- until his accused killer's medically induced competence slipped away.

Some Louis CK reads: Louis CK's Dirty Shameful Comedy (shortish read, actually) and Louis CK Q&A

Say Hello to My Little Friend
A guy calls, says he found some mysterious papers left behind by a dead relative who apparently shrunk human heads and bodies. Do we wanna come see?

Just Doing Some Internet Shopping

I like browsing the Hammacher Schlemmer site on occasion, mostly because it makes me feel like a crazy eccentric evil millionaire villain picking up a few new things for the ol' lair. If you don't know what I mean, check out their Unexpected section post-haste. You will find, among other things:

A $25,000 "Power Nap Capsule" with a larger-than-king-size mattress made of "supple calfskin leather and 6"-thick cold foam." I assume it also has a panel that allows you to pre-set the content of your dreams by adjusting levers labeled World Domination, Jetski Escapes, I Can Fly, and Hairless Cats Love Me.

A $65,000 "Emotive Robotic Avatar" that expresses five emotions. I did the math. That is $13,000 per emotion. 

A $17,000 60 MPH Hovercraft, which seats two and might just be the best deal on the site. I mean, it barely costs more than one of your pet robot's smiles, and it is a HOVERCRAFT that HOVERS and that is AWESOME.

Anyway. The real point of this post is to point out some curious economics at play elsewhere on the site. Let's take a look at two big ticket items that are also available:

1. A Flying Car



Per the description: "Designed by a team of MIT graduates, this is the vehicle that converts from a street-legal automobile to a Light Sport aircraft in 30 seconds." Not bad. (Also: "Its 23-gallon gas tank provides a 425 nautical mile range (35 mpg on the road), indispensable for easy day trips from Long Island to Martha's Vineyard." Did you hear that, Most Disgustingly Rich Person Ever? Your Disgustingly Rich Problem of getting from the motherfucking Hamptons to Martha's motherfucking Vineyard IS NOW SOLVED!)
This is clearly the most awesome thing ever. Please read the entire description and watch the video so you can see/hear the "lifelike reactions and fortissimo bellowing" for yourself.
Anyway, here's what I'm getting at. I present these two items side-by-side for a reason: THEY COST EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY. Flying car? $350,000. Animatronic Triceratops? $350,000.

Now, I'll admit that my brain gets a little hazy trying to understand amounts of money higher than what is required to go halfsies on a Kit Kat. So maybe that's part of the problem. But these two items are clearly not of equal value . . . BECAUSE THE TRICERATOPS IS SO MUCH BETTER. I assume you agree, but I will present my reasoning as a formality: 
In conclusion, here is a $350,000 gift card to Hammacher Schlemmer. I think you know exactly what to do. 

An Ultimate Grand Supreme GIF Wall for My Favorite Toddlers & Tiaras Contestant Ever

I don't know if you watch Toddlers & Tiaras or if you have some other way of being Horrible that's more personal and special to you (pshh, bet your vice doesn't let you make up cool words like Toddenfreude), but Alana from last week's episode is a must-see. She is an outlier even in a population where being average means having been born during the Obama presidency but already wearing makeup, fake eyelashes, and prosthetic beauty teeth on a regular basis.

She is my new queen.

This video, provided by Best Week Ever in an early contender for Public Service Journalism Act of the Year, will change your life forever: 

I watched this vid about 20 (coughmillioncough) times late last week and discussed it at length with several friends, including my bud/GIFsmith Matt. Matt proceeded to make a gorgeous batch of Alana GIFs, which I am sharing with you the best way I know how: in an ALANA GIF WALLLLLL!

You can also click on any gif to open the (slightly enlarged) source version to download, link, or print out and burn.

(Warning: this may take a fewwww seconds to load.)











Annnnd we'll close on an appropriate note:

Tip of the hat, bitches. I'm OUT.

A Few Links from Today

'90s FLASHBACK 1: Thurston Moore interviewing Beck circa 1994: this is amazing.

'90s FLASHBACK 2: Best Teen Power Couples 

This was downright gripping: Two champion cyclists try to be the fastest at this thousand-meter race by moving the slowest. In fact, the two competitors go so slowly that at the 3:38 mark, both come to a complete halt. Why?

Sorry, but tooth-shaped cupcakes really freak me out.

I read "PayPal" as "RuPaul" in this headline and was like, WTF, RuPaul??

This is a good article with a GREAT correction.

"Writers and thinkers around the world" opine: what was the most important event of 2011?

This is a grammar rap, so I am contractually obligated to post it.

What's THE BEST MAP EVER???? This, apparently.