LMNOP

Oscar recap? OK, Oscar recap. Add a peach mimosa to this and you have my Oscar experience:

Yes, I am getting lots of use out of my Pajama Jeans, thanks for noticing!

If you watched the Oscars, you already know that the not-so subtle theme of the evening was Appreciate the Fuck out of Silence. This was courtesy of Billy Crystal rambling incoherently while a weird, tinny mechanical buzzing sound echoed in the background for three hours and then a silent movie won a bunch of awards because really, WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN SILENCE? (See also: sleep. I would like to thank the Academy for getting me to bed by 10:30 last night. You guys are the best!)

Granted, I went into last night's Oscar broadcast pretty unprepared: I had seen  just one of the Best Picture nominees (Moneyball). I had read the book The Help was based on, but that makes me about as qualified to judge it as a food critic writing a review of a restaurant based on having read its menu. What else? Oh, I also half-assedly clicked through a couple of photo galleries and saw enough screen grabs to understand that The Artist was not what the kids call a "talkie" and George Clooney was apparently nominated for being in a Carnival Cruise commercial.

(Exception to my ignorance: I was completely up-to-date on everything related to Uggie the Dog.)

I clearly have no commentary on the broadcast or the movies themselves, but that's OK because CLOTHES. That's what we come here for anyway, right?

ROONEY MARA

One thing I really appreciate abour Rooney Mara's look is that I know I could draw her. My portraiture skills, which have not evolved since approximately 1991, consist of drawing an extremely oval head with a line straight across the forehead depicting the bangs/hairline. Add some red crayon lips, and BOOM: PERSON. I know inspiration comes from a lot of places, but the Tupperware bin in my parents' basement labeled Lauren School Grade 3 was quite a long way for Rooney's stylist to go. You're welcome, guys, although I admit I wish you'd found my illustrated Babe Didrickson Zaharias report to imitate first. That would have made for a hell of a javelin jog-up down the red carpet.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, I want to let all three of these ladies know that if they need someone to draw them accurately, I am available, as long as they don't change their bangs: 

 MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Michelle Williams is a darling and continues to have the best short hair ever in the world, but I'm not sure why everyone looooved this dress. I thought it was fine and certainly didn't hate it, but I also don't understand the mobs screaming for this as #1 Best Dressed of the entire show. I really suspect that the rambling, chattering red carpet commentators were just extremely proud of knowing the world peplum and wanted to advertise it as grandly and effusively as possible. If you watched the red carpet you probably get what I'm saying, because they were like "Peplum Peplum Peplum?! Peplum. Peplum!!"

TINA FEY

Peplum Peplum Peplum?! Peplum. Peplum!!

JUDY GREER

Make no mistake about it: this is a sideways track suit pant leg. And it looks great.

 MISSI PYLE

Most polished Toddlers & Tiaras contestant ever! But how did she end up on the Oscars red carpet?

 GLENN CLOSE

The phrase that immediately came to mind when I saw this dress was "business octopus." The combination of suit top and seaweed color and the fact that when I saw it the train was particularly spread out (way more so than in this pic) all contributed to this judgment, but looking at the outfit again in the light of day I think mayyyybe the biggest contributor of all was my peach mimosa.

MATTHEW LILLARD

Matthew Lillard, aka this guy, was invited to the Oscars exclusively to remind you that the '90s are over.

 JENNIFER LOPEZ

I think it speaks volumes re: the boringness of last night's Oscars that this was the most controversial dress of the night. Yeah, it's got cleavage, but if you ask me this is pretty freaking demure. It has long sleeves, for crying out loud. (Granted, so did this.)

NATALIE PORTMAN

I like how Natalie Portman is the most credible and respected young actress ever and nobody can ever stop talking about how smart and great and classy she is but also, her dresses at awards shows are always really WTF. Like, this is clearly a Hot Topic goth prom dress and that purse should have more cherries on it, right?

I've actually read a lot of raves for this dress, but I stand by my assessment because I don't want to live in a world where polka dots are classy. 

GWYNETH PALTROW

I have to admit that I'm loopier than I usually am when I write these recaps because I woke up at 5 a.m. to make a bizarre work deadline, but the caption for this picture (in whatever slideshow I found it in) indicating that Gwyneth "took off her cape to present" made me laugh uncontrollably. I like to imagine that this is noteworthy information because there is Important Cape Etiquette I don't know about because I don't read Peggy Post: Capes Edition. But Gwyneth does, thank goodness.

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT

At 9:15 p.m. last night I was jolted out of dozing off thanks to a text from my sister: "Omg Angie and Brad same hair dye." Very true, although I will admit Ang's color is very lustrous and well-done and Brad is looking brassy and kind of gross. Anyway, these are beautiful people and they are waving to us like they are the Mayor and First Man of Prettytown and that's great and cool and I bet they went home and slept without dreaming, like they do every night, because their subconscious minds do not even understand the concept of reality not being perfect all the time. So that's cool and we'll keep moving.

 LOUISE ROE

I am not entirely sure who Louise Roe is, but I saw her in a slideshow and want to congratulate her on having the Most Structured Dress Ever. Tailored and belted and folded and pleated and folded more and origami-ed and was probably made by IKEA and took five hours and an L-wrench to put on. 

It is also possible that I am overreacting and this is just a dress and I only wear sweatpants ever.

GIULIANA RANCIC

I appreciate Giuliana's philosophy on styling herself for awards shows: "I've never not freaked Lauren out and I don't intend to start not freaking her out now!" Needless to say, her understanding of double negatives is also commendable. 

 LIVIA GIUGGIOLI

Livia Giuggioli is Colin Firth's wife and the current Guinness World Record Holder for Most Times I Had to Switch Tabs to Check How to Spell Her Name. But I did it all so I could say that wow, that is not so much a bust line as a full-on gutter that she was probably cleaning leaves out of by the end of the night. 

ANCY-NAY O'DELL-AY

One time I was doing one of these recaps and included some rant about how the woman whose name I have Pig Latin-ized above is very stange and dead-eyed, and then a million of her defenders (or, let's be honest, Ancy-Nay herself commenting under 20 different names) came and left angry comments in her defense and called me mean and other (true) things. Anyway, this is a yellow dress on an orange woman and I do not like it but I am hiding from the angry mob by disguising her name because I want to.

KELLY OSBOURNE

Kelly's hair is the color of a My Little Pony tail and her lipstick is the color of its magical turds. Past that I cannot comment.

WIM WENDERS

The Quirky Guy Killin It award for the night goes to Wim Wenders, who I will not pretend to have heard of before his blue-accented wonderfulness showed up in one of my slideshows this morning with an explanation that he made a documentary about Pina Bausch, who I have also not heard of because he is not my dog, one of the seven people I know personally, or Triscuits. 

JANE SEYMOUR

The thing I appreciate most about Jane Seymour is how she shows up to awards shows looking slammin and her facial expression is all "Bitch, I wear this grocery shopping." Keep it up, JS.

CAMERON DIAZ

I have to say, this is the best Cameron Diaz has looked in a while. And I am not just saying that because she currently is holding me in the air with just one arm.