2014 Oscars Recap: Literally Just a Series of Pictures of Jared Leto
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Oscars 2014, Part Two (Non-Leto Category)

Earlier today I posted my true thoughts on the 2014 Oscars, but to be less of a slacker, I will now go a little deeper. "Deeper than posting three pictures of Jared Leto's hair?!" you may say. "Don't strain anything!" OK, wise guy, let's see YOUR Oscars recap.
 
Do I seem cranky? Maybe that is because I sat down at 6 p.m. yesterday to watch red carpet coverage and I did not leave my couch for six whole hours, and in that time I saw maybe 25 minutes of what I would file as "memorable moment," "good speech," or "Jared Leto hair screen time." (23 of that 25 minutes was Bette "Memorable Moment" Midler singing "Wind Beneath My Wings.") Not the best ROI on my six hours of precious time, unless you compare it to similarly paced activities like "American Football" and "life itself."
 
All of which is to say YES, I am a little CRANKY. It was a boring Oscars telecast and the fashion was equally uninspiring. So, rather than attempt to cover every trend, I'll speak only of those looks that moved me to comment. Selected observations forewith:
 
Winning Women: Cate Blanchett and Lupita Nyong'o
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(click either for a bigger pic)
Let's just start with the high note(s). I group these two women together for a reason, and it's not just because they won the two big awards. It's to save space. JK! It's because on a night where plenty of people looked good, these two looked special. They both chose looks that showed character and personality. Even tried and true red carpet vets have trouble choosing looks that embody charisma while also seeming effortless and comfortable; Cate is an old hand at this, and Lupita is the up and comer. (And Comfortably Charismatic is the name of my new line of pantsuits, coming to a K-Mart near you.)

So that is why I grouped them together. Please buy my pantsuits.
 
Hollywood Royalty on Autopilot: Brad and Angelina
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It's too easy for them and I should just acknowledge their majesty and move on. 
 
(Here's me doing the opposite of that.)
 
Angie and Brad have clearly vaulted past their actor/entertainer pasts into this hiz-n-herz pair of esteemed producer/humanitarian and that's great, really, and they're clearly pretty fulfilled with all that, butttttttt. I found them much more interesting before. And I know that being interesting to me is pretty low on their list of priorities (like seven, I'm thinking. Definitely 7-8 range.) But there it is. They bore me.
 
That is all.
 
Hey Wow a Blue Dress: Sandra Bullock
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I touch on this because I daresay it was a bit overrated. This made several best dressed lists and while It is a beautiful dress and she looks great--at the end of the day it's jussssssssst a navy blue dress. Feel free to argue me on this one. I just didn't appreciate it. 
 
Hey Wow Another Navy Blue Dress: Amy Adams
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This is very much in line with AA's brand of minimalist high fash. I give it a B. Not the most exciting, but it looks relatively smart. And isn't "that looks smart" about the nicest thing you can say to someone in head-to-toe navy? Also, kudos to whoever steamed/ironed this thing, because dayum.
 
Who Loves Life? Kevin Spacey Loves Life
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Also, You Know Who Constantly Looks Great Even When I Don't Like Her Outfits: Julia Roberts
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 I'm going to stop writing photo titles now because it's getting out of hand. 

Naomi Watts
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Before I start delving into the bitchier portion of this post, I'd like to say that Naomi consistently looks lovely at these things. She knows her strengths. 
 
Matthew and Camila
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First of all, I am a proud Matthew McConaughey supporter who has been throwing around the term "McConnaissance" for OVER TWO WEEKS now (take that, people I saw using it on Twitter last night), but I do not like what is going on in this photo. There's only so bad a tux can be, so it's not all on Matthew. It's just that Camila's dress happens to be a color I haaaaaate and therefore the combo of her pale pink with his white is a little too King and Queen of the Bubblegum Machine for my tastes.
 
On another note-know how I always rag on celebs for not seeming more composed in their acceptance speeches because they clearly had to have known, as nominees, that there was a decent chance of winning? Well, Matthew McConaughey was clearly taking notes because his acceptance speech had an intro/thesis statement, three supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion. In other words, it was majorly prepared in advance, and possibly with the assistance of my fourth grade teacher.
 
 Kate Hudson
Rs_634x1024-140302165209-634.kate-hudson-oscars-030214I was going to call Kate Hudson out for being at the Oscars despite not having much going on, career-wise, but a quick gander at her IMDb page reveals that, with several projects in production, Ms. Hudson could very possibly be up for her own McConnaissance in the coming months. So I'll instead say I enjoyed this look and am eager to hear more about "Rock the Kasbah."
 
Elsa Pataky
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Oof. That is what I said when I saw this. It is honestly one of the oddest cuts I have ever seen happen in nature ("nature" being Hollywood, the least natural place on Earth). Elsa is admittedly dealing with a (literal) curve-ball in dressing around a pregnancy, but I still find this choice hard to fathom.  
 
Also, the print is ugly.
 
Kerry Washington
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This dress was a bit drab for moi. But I loved the dark lips and the overall hair/makeup so much that it all won me over.
 
She does need to get a hold of Amy Adam's dry cleaner, though.
 
Charlize Theron
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Those clear straps ain't foolin no one, lady. Let's just say this ain't my first day at Looking at a Dress School. No ma'am. I know that dress is held up by something other than magic. Nice try, though.
 
(Why do clear straps exist?)
 
Gaga
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Am I hallucinating, or does Gaga kind of look like Barbara Walters here? That isn't even a bad thing, unless you're Barbara Walters and you don't want a bunch of rumors going around that you wear scarves that serve no function. That's the kind of thing that destroys a journalism career.
 
Pharrell Williams and Helen Lasichanh 
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Hell yes. HELL. Yes. Pharrell is at the forefront of man-pris and formal shorts and I am not even being facetious right now when I say I have room in my heart for those things.
 
Liza 
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So all the headlines today were about the woman in blue who stole the show. And I hope Liza read the headlines, but not the details of the articles that followed. And I hope she had a great day.
 
That's it from me. As always, I would like to hear your thoughts on who I missed. But please McConaughize them in proper five paragraph form.

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