LMNOP

Good news for people who love Spandex (and Jersey Shore): J-WOWW's clothing line, Filthy Couture, is now available for purchase.  Needless to say, the website selling the clothing features some Awesome Moments in Copywriting History.

For example, the description for the "Spring Lilac" dress reads like it was translated into Japanese and then back to English again.

This dress is for people who "daydream" about spending $319 on something that is indistinguishable from a Forever 21 garment:

 

This next dress is playful . . . like a lily?

 

Also, "lace inspired fabric?"  I am making a WTF-inspired face.

Ready for some Gooolllllden Glaaammourrrr?

 

Sorry, but if I'm spending $539 on a dress, it should come with complete sentences. 

BTW, If you are suddenly feeling infinitely tranquil after seeing this next dress, it is because it is a dress of INFINITE TRANQUILITY!

 

I am pretty sure that 90% of these names were ripped from the titles of my middle school poetry.  See also: "Midnight Rain" and "Winter Innocence."

These are all great, but my favorite might be this pair of descriptions:

Like an oasis in the desert, the phrase "an oasis in the desert" provides a refreshing way to compare clothes to oases in the desert for the hot summer season.  Or something.

 

While all Filthy Couture Style Swimwear bathing suits are safe to wear in both the pool and the ocean, they are not meant for strenuous swimming activities.

Aside from being a bizarre quote to find on a T-shirt in a camping store, this phrase has also been sllllightly butchered.  I know, because I have seen it employed correctly on Facebook profiles as a rationale for binge drinking!

The 7-11 I pick up my Cherry Coke Zero at every morning had an awesome, hand-drawn sign on the door this morning that said the following:

This could be the year you become a milliner!  Buy a Lottery ticket today!  Who know.

Best marketing ever?  Yes.

So glad there are people out there fighting the good fight.

Hot tip: the language section of Snopes.com is sorta sweet.  I was alerted to this fact when a friend e-mailed me with the startling information that the phrase many of us wrongly understand to be "just desserts" is actually "just deserts."  Read the Snopes explanation here.

Further perusal of the site reveals more linguistic fun; for example, have you ever heard of the (non-) word "dord?"  And did you know that nobody really knows how the Crips got their name?

Just this morning, less than a day after posting this, I received an e-mail advertisement containing the following:

Lipsticks with QUANTUM PHYSICS ENERGY.  Awesome.

Am I the only one who hates product advertisements boasting "space age" technology?  Hello: the space age was the '60s. Unless you are advertising 40-year-old technology, find a new adjective. (If you are advertising 40-year-old technology, find a new product.)

Actually, I am not a huge fan in general of advertisements that throw scientific words around in the hopes of making a product sound better. Unfortunately, the cosmetics industry happens to be one of the biggest sinners in this department, and lately it's been even more ridiculous than usual.  Just walking through the aisles of Sephora now requires knowledge of terminology I haven't heard since AP Bio; it wouldn't surprise me to learn that their employee training now includes a Lab credit.

Here are some lines from product descriptions on Sephora.com:

"It's nutrient-packed with 60 bio minerals (including energizing gold), and a breakthrough Invisiskin™ technology that delivers time-released antioxidants, peptides, and brighteners to perfect your complexion." (product)

" . . . offers a unique fiber technology that combines silky-smooth building fibers and long extending fibers to instantly extend and lengthen lashes." (product)

 

"An extraordinary age-fighting moisture cream that has it all, including MMP Inhibitors, Wrinkle Reduction Peptides, Visual Facial Fillers, Cellular Respiration Boosters, Hyperdermal Destressors, 7-Day Hydrators, Barrier Repairing Ceramides, Wrinkle Relaxers, Multifruit Complex, and Vitazyme A." (product)

"Cutting-edge adaptogen technology fortifies skin . . ." (product)

Bio minerals?  Vitazyme A?  Adaptogen technology?  Clearly that's all bullshit, and frankly I'd rather believe that I don't need that much technology going into my makeup.  Am I so ugly that the only face cream that can help me is NASA-engineered and certified by Nobel Prize-winning chemists?  I would like to think things have not gotten that bad.  And if I ever do become so unattractive that such products are the only thing that can mitigate my ugliness--well, maybe that's when it's time to give up.

This list of the "50 office-speak phrases you love to hate" is a great compilation of BBC readers just bitching about the dumb-ass business lingo they hate.  It includes some of my biggest pet peeves, but comment #31 was my favorite:

"The expression that drives me nuts is 110%, usually said to express passion/commitment/support by people who are not very good at maths. This has created something of a cliche-inflation, where people are now saying 120%, 200%, or if you are really REALLY committed, 500%. I remember once the then-chancellor Gordon Brown saying he was 101% behind Tony Blair, to which people reacted 'What? Only 101?'"

Kelly and I were totally talking about this last Monday during American Gladiators, because one of the contenders mentioned that she was giving 110% and we were all, no you're not, sorry.  (The whole thing reminds me of the arms race that is the razor industry right now: first they were bragging that razors had three blades, then four; now, I think we're up to five.  By the time I have a daughter who's old enough to shave her legs, razors will probably have a minimum of 1100 blades and I will have to teach her how to go slowly enough to avoid accidental amputation.)

Anyway, I decided then to start saying "I'm going to give it 128%" whenever I feel like providing a ludicrous demonstration of my intended level of effort on something.   I have since used it twice: once to describe my efforts at our softball game, and once at karaoke to characterize my dedication to singing B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize" adequately. Both times everyone stared at me and tried to figure out if I was mocking the "110%" people, or if I was actually one of them, but a really, really precise one.

A commenter has brought an interesting issue to my attention.  Be it known that I wrote the following in yesterday's post:

Sure, some color wood be nice, but you could do a lot worse.

I have nothing to say for myself.  Instead I will just fill space by posting this picture of me, Lauren McMahon, the college graduate.  Who graduated college.  With a college degree.

In December [2002], the company introduced a new interior scheme intended to appeal to a younger demographic. Additionally, the company dropped the apostrophe in its name and officially rebranded itself as Quiznos Sub.

 

Lange said such changes, along with updating the menu every two years, are ways that she said prevents Quiznos from becoming stale.