LMNOP

Hopefully I have done enough of these fashion recaps where I can now skip writing an intro justifying my continued renewal of this petty exercise and just get straight to the gown sniping.

HERE WE GO!

KRISTEN WIIG

More like KRISTEN TWIIG, amirite?!?!

(Because she's skinny AND wearing brown! Get it?! Hahahahahatemyself)

KATIE HOLMES

Wasn't sure if my joke for this one made sense, so I took it for outside counsel:

Approved. "Sports bra of Frankenstein" it is. If that makes no sense, thank Emily.

JON HAMM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND,WHO KEEPS WEARING BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER COLORS SO THAT MAYBE PEOPLE WILL SEE HER NEXT TO JON HAMM

I guess I'm a bad person for never remembering this woman's name. But, in all seriousness, if I were Jon Hamm's girlfriend, I would literally change my name to John Hamm's Girlfriend, and if she hasn't already done that, it's not really my fault. (Also: in my head I sometimes think of them as "Jon Hamm and Jon Her," which doesn't even make sense. But there you have it.)

JANE KRAKOWSKI

Jane didn't get the Emmy she was up for, but she is definitely this year's recipient of the "Hulk Hogan Skin" Award. It's not an Emmy, but it's something.

PAZ DE LA HUERTA

Should Jane Krawkowski not be able to fulfill her duties as shiniest orange woman in Hollywood, a replacement has been identified and is waiting in the wings.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Devil: So, Gwyneth, I have your contract ready for you to sign, regarding your face.
Gwyneth: Oh, great! Devil: Just to review the terms, you are selling me your soul.
Gwyneth: Yep.
Devil: In return, I am going to let you keep the same face you had in the 90s forever, without aging.
Gwyneth: Yes.
Devil: And you've further agreed to my condition that in order to keep the 90s face, you have to also dress like it's the 90s. And like, uncool 90s.
Gwyneth: (sighs) Yes.
Devil: OOOOK then. I think we're good to sign. Tell Chris I loved the new album. I play it all the time at Hell Orientation.

(BTW, joke is on the Devil. What the HELL is he going to do with Gwyneth Paltrow's soul?)

JULIANNA MARGOLIES

Gahhhh. Every award show, there is at ONE dress that I think is so ridiculous, but cannot for the life of me think of a good joke for. This year, this is that dress. The best thing I could think of was calling the big water droplet thingies a fashion "DEW" not, which is, basically the Julianna Margolies 2011 Emmy dress of jokes: a bad, bad choice.

JAYMA MAYS

So, the thing about Jayma Mays is that she always seems to be on trend and pitch perfect--for a CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. And I'm sure she's totally normal and cool and doesn't go home to one of those houses full of glass unicorns that all have specific names and need to be in certain places like on whatever movie I'm blanking about right now, but . . . God, I'm not sure of that at ALL.

This woman totally goes home to glass unicorns.

ELLIE KEMPER

Ellie Kemper's motto in life: "Dress for the job you want" 

Job Ellie Kemper wants: Person on the Funfetti cake mix box

Cold, dead, hands she will have to pry that offer letter (on Pillsbury Doughboy's letterhead) out of: MINE

I did like this dress, though.

OLIVIA MUNN

(Blah blah blah, Jolly Green Giant's special occasion bedsheets, blah blah blah, moving on)

ELIZABETH MOSS

I guess the thing about this dress that bothers me the most is that the sheer fabric makes it hard for me to tell where the dress ends and the slightly creepy actress I am absolutely certain I would hate in real life begins.

KELLY MACDONALD

This dress reminds me of those optical illusions that can be both two faces and a vase and a horrible thing to wear to an awards ceremony at the same time.

HEIDI KLUM AND SEAL

I mean, like, they look insane. But guess who doesn't care? Heidi Klum and Seal.

ALAN CUMMING

No, this actually totally works, and I love it.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL 

This dress fell flat for me, but in a boring way that I can't easily make fun of. JUST LIKE THE PREVIEWS FOR ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S SHOW! Heyooo.

JOEL McHALE

I love Joel McHale and am therefore not sure how to handle the inTENSEly strong Bruno Mars vibe I am getting from this outfit.

Ultimately, I think I will just ignore it. 

ANNA FARIS

Niche joke for people who played like 35 hours of The Sims 2 per week in college: somebody totally took a blank dress and went to Build mode and picked a floor tile pattern and Ctrl + clicked to fill on this one, right? Rrrrright.

DIANNA AGRON

I missed the red carpet interview where they asked Dianna who designed this dress, but I assume it was Eiffel 65.

PLAY US OUT, GUYS!

Because I have as much right to critique the Oscars as anyone who dozed off approximately one hour into the broadcast, here are my official comments on the most important part: the clothes.

Natalie Portman

Dressing around a pregnancy can be difficult, but critics agreed that Portman really nailed it in this drapey plum Rodarte with "BITCHES U KNOW I'M GONNA WIN" emblazoned on the baby bump. Resplendent!

Cate Blanchett

So, the gallery I saw this in described Cate Blanchett as "always a fashion plate," and after I read that, I was like OMG. THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A HERE. A PLATE. A FASHION ONE. I mean, I kinda do like this dress, but wow--she really does look like what a plate would have turned into at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the household objects got to become human again, right? Yes. I'm right. 

Helen Mirren

She should seriously change her name from "Dame Helen Mirren" to "Damnnn, Helen Mirren."

Penelope Cruz

So, I had to stare at this for like six minutes before I realized what was bothering me about it, but then it hit me. This is the exact costume that would be worn by the person playing Jupiter in a production of The Solar System on Ice. Like, exactly. The Great Red Spot is there and everything.

(Sidenote: why is there no such thing as a Solar System on Ice show?)

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are lucky they are famous, because otherwise they would be one of those couples people are always awkwardly mistaking for brother and sister. (Or maybe even sister and sister. Keith Urban's face is, like, 40% more feminine than mine is.)

Also, Andrea, you are correct: the official three-letter description of this dress is WTF.

Reese Witherspoon

I liked this dress!

In 2001.

At my prom.

Anne Hathaway and Sandra Bullock

I am grouping these two ladies together. If they had looked any more alike last night, they would have been Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Looks like soooooomebody heard I was casting Solar System on Ice and is gunning for the part of Mercury. Subtle, Gwynnie--rrrrreal subtle.

Scarlett Johansson

Remember when everyone used to be obsessed with ScarJo? Right now that time seems about as far away as the beet farm beauty pageant this dress should have been worn to.

Florence Welch

Very cool, if you like that "Tilda Swinton at a square dance" vibe. You don't? Ah, then. Sorry.

Sharon Stone

Someone please tell her she's already scary.

Marisa Tomei

This dress starts off awkwardly, takes a weird turn about halfway through, and then just becomes an absolute trainwreck. OH, GOD: IT'S THE DRESS EQUIVALENT OF A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

Virginia Madsen

Am I hallucinating, or is this the second time in recent memory that Virginia Madsen has shown up to something looking like Cruella De Vil? Can someone research that? Preferably not an L.A.-based dalmatian owner, though--you should be busy hiding your dog(s) right now.

Amy Adams

I like Amy Adams, and I enjoyed this combo of red hair and navy sparkle. Which is why I feel bad for . . .

Dale Dickey

Same concept, but a little less cute.

Nancy O'Dell

Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul

. . . What? 

I'll close this recap with a GIF (source) of my fave moment of the night: Helena Bonham Carter reacting to hearing her own name called in the list of Best Supporting Actress nominations:

Love her.

THE END.

P.S. Thanks go to Emily for letting me bounce jokes off of her all day.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Hocus Pocus, 1993

Lady Gaga, Leno, last night

So Nancy O'Dell is a person, one of the ones on E! or something, and she hosts one of those shows, like Now That's What I Call Celebrities Doing Shit or whatever. (I don't really have the time to look it up right now, because I have a Cat vs. Washing Machine video waiting in my next tab that I am d-d-d-dying to get to.) Anyway, the point is, this woman is not particularly famous and I do not particularly care about her, but I did come across this picture of her today in a People's Choice Red Carpet gallery:

And it made me realize: in all my years of casually, occasionally seeing photos of this woman (deep in the parts of red carpet slideshows where the most marginally relevant people are kept), I have never seen a photo in which she looked even sliiightly alive inside. Like, this woman has the deadest. expression. ever.

(Sidenote: this reminds me of college, when Kelly and I would use the insult "dead inside" so much that we abbreviated it to "D.I.," then "die," then "die-die," and so on. We were impossible to be in a room with.)

So anyway, that's when I decided to play a game. The game is called Let's Scroll Through Google Image Results for Nancy O'Dell Until We See One Where She Looks Like She Has a Soul. Care to play along?

TOTAL NUMBER OF SOULS DETECTED: 0

TOTAL NUMBER OF SOULS DETECTED: 0

 

 

TOTAL NUMBER OF SOULS DETECTED: 0

TOTAL NUMBER OF SOULS DETECTED: 1, BUT IT'S THE BABY'S

. . . . And so on. This went on for several rows of scrolling. And then--what did I see? Jewel!

Jewel is ALL UP in the search results for Nancy O'Dell; she appears multiple times, like the infiltrated the page. Moral of the story? Jewel: still obsessed with saving souls, even after all these years.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to.

I kind of love reading entertainment/celebrity gossip headlines around major holidays, because that is when they are at their extreme dullest. Well, to be fair, I also like reading them all the other days of the year--I just get a certain other kind of enjoyment out of reading the headlines that come up on the slowest of news days. Here is a countdown of the most ridiculous ones from the past week:

7. The Bachelor: Inside Brad Womack's Stylish Texas Loft

You know that guy on that show you don't watch? You'll never guess where he buys his sheets!

6. "Lindsay Lohan Ready to Start the 'Rest of My Life'"

What a coincidence--I, too, have decided to proceed with my life in a chronological fashion. Trying to start the part of my life that is already over just got really annoying after a while.

5. Kellan Lutz's Slick New Hairstyle

Alternate title: "A Guy from Twilight Put Gel in His Hair"

4. New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys Reveal Their New Year's Resolutions

One of them wants to read more. I hope he starts with People.com.

3. Shania Twain is Married

I just really liked how this headline was written. I kind of expected the story to continue with, "She has been for a few years. But we're talking about it right now because the guy from Twilight washed the gel out of hair, so that story has kind of run its course, and . . . um . . . words!"

2. Valerie Bertinelli Has Star-Studded Wedding

We swear. It was positively studded by stars. Pretty much everyone who didn't get invited to Shania Twain's wedding was there.

1. Newly Single John Mellencamp has Low-Key New Year's Eve

This scorcher was the No. 1 story on the site for at least half of New Year's Day, making it a little harder for us to keep complaining that the mainstream media doesn't tell us enough about the approximate intensity levels of John Mellencamp's holiday celebrations.

FYI, Mario Lopez and his girlfriend Courtney had a baby this weekend. Her name is Gia Francesca Lopez--or, as I will call her, Italian Italian Lopez.  She is the second baby to be born to a Saved by the Bell cast member this summer (remember?). Friends, please take out your "Saved by the Bell Actors Who Are Now Parents" Bingo Cards and mark them accordingly.

(Note to self: Must make a "Saved By the Bell Actors Who Are Now Parents" Bingo Card. Tomorrow.)

Anyway, this all is really just background for my main point, which is that I have found my official favorite thing on Earth: this baby picture of Mario Lopez:

It was (for some reason) in one of the articles about his new baby. Is it not the most hilarious picture ever? It cracks. me. up. I can't even really figure out why I think it's so funny, but I have a few theories:

1. The arms are so SO CHUBBY.
2. He's so happy, and he doesn't even know he's Mario Lopez yet!
3. Baby Mario Lopez looks SO undeniably like Adult Mario Lopez. I feel like I just unlocked him in Mario Kart.
4. The concept of Mario Lopez every having been a baby is, in and of itself, hilarious.
5. Baby Mario Lopez has, like, the most sensible and businesslike hairdo ever. It is simply impossible to believe that this infant would one day give birth to the Slater mullet.

Anyway, I hope we get a picture of Baby Italian Italian Lopex soon, so I can put it on the other side of the locket I now keep my Baby Mario Lopez picture in. (Maybekidding. You hope.)

The 62 Annual Emmys were last night, and they were extremely enjoyable once you got past the fact that it sounded like everyone was saying "The 60-Second Annual Emmys."  That made me feel like they were going to bring out the Micro Machines guy and have him do the whole show superfast, then leave us with an hour and 59 minutes left before it was time to switch channels and watch Mad Men.  Anyway, while the show was very well done, the fashion was pretty boring--none of the good was good enough, and none of the bad was bad enough.  Here is my recap.

Sofia Vergara

Sofia looked like butter dipped in glitter, but I would argue that she is the kind of woman who can pull it off.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but there you go.

Padma Lakshmi

Hmmm, navy blue dress and a bib necklace.  Where have I seen this combo before?

Ohhh, right--on Padma Lakshmi, three weeks ago.  Episode 8 elimination challenge, anyone?  You are soooo busted, Padma.

Toni Collette

Toni Collette is this year's reminder that you should always take a limo to the Emmys instead of fording through a swamp, Oregon-Trail style.

Lea Michele

Lea Michele's Oscar de la Renta was pretty, but also pretty boring.  She also looks kind of like a Penelope Cruz impersonator here.

January Jones

I'm gonna turn this one over to my friend Caitlar, who did a great job live-tweeting the red carpet last night.  Here's her take:

BINGO.  This is exactly what bothers me about most of January's looks, but I could never find the right words to say it!

Ty and Holly Burrell

I actually liked Ty's grey tux, but those shoes are kinda sad.  However, he plays someone awkward, so he gets away with it.  His wife?  Well, at least she looks happy.  Then again, I would also be happy if I'd just escaped from Las Vegas Muppet Dance Prison with only the clothes on my back.

Tina Fey

I am generally too blinded by my love of Tina Fey to criticize what she wears, but I don't know about this one.  I do like the shape, but the print reminded me of Screen Beans.

Betty White

Speaking of Microsoft Office-inspired fashion, Betty White's dress is totally one of the custom gradient options.  I know we are not supposed to criticize Betty White, but I am just pointing out that this is not a place to go dress shopping:

Kim Kardashian

Back to Caitlar:
I have to add that her hair was giving me Pauly D flashbacks when I saw it in HD.

Stephanie Pratt

If nothing else, this demonstrates a strategy: when everyone else is gunning for "Best Dress," be the only one to go for "Best Shirt."  Winner by default!

Jane Krakowski

I'm not necessarily saying I don't like this dress . . . but if you look at this picture long enough, you definitely get the impression that she is missing a leg.

Jewel

Ehhhhhhhhhhhh.  Don't like the dress, and can't help but notice that the purse is actually the soap dish from a nursing home.

Rita Wilson

This looks like an already-bad dress that has had the additional misfortune of being caught in a net.

Heidi Klum

For being the shortest dress out there, this was still somehow too much: the rosettes were bulky, the shoes looked like they had ants crawling on them, and the necklace was not my fave.  All in all, this could have (maybe) worked for something like the Teen Choice Awards, but not the Emmys.  Let's check in with Caitlar one more time:
Amen.

Alanis Morrissette is pregnant, and US Weekly wants to make sure you find out via the cheesiest sentence ever written:

That's right!  You oughta know!  Get it?  Get it?  Because this is totally what happens when you stop taking your jagged little pill, amirite?  Yessss!  High fives all around!

(Also, re: her husband, is anyone having huge JVDBR* issues right now?  Just checking.)

*James Van Der Beek Resemblance

The internet was kind enough to give us BOTH of these videos today:

Mutual Savings Bank - "Hi!" - Featuring Tina Fey from Purple Onion Films on Vimeo.

Paul Rudd: Bat Mitzvah DJ from Jewish Forward on Vimeo.

To summarize: the '90s were the most amazing thing ever.

The picture below contains eight clues that it is actually 1994 again. Can you spot them all?

 

Give up?

 
Subtract your score from 1990.  That is the year you were born.