LMNOP

 Perfection, thy name is carefully painted man strands of ombre splendor.

 Between the hair (that HAIR) and the white jacket/red bow tie, Leto looks like a caterer in HEAVEN serving crust-less half-sandwiches of world peace.

I may update this post with more comprehensive Oscar fashion commentary IF I can get myself to stop cruising internet black markets for LetoHair sweaters.

Continued from Part 1 and Part 2

So. We've done the good and the bad; time for the in-betweens.

MIXED OPINIONS

Sandra Bullock

Not bad in the full length, but can I get a zoom? For science?

SAAAAANDY. The Queen of England called. She wants her diamond-encrusted Bluetooth back.

Jennifer Anniston

She looks frozen in time, and I mean that in the good way and the bad way. Jennifer mayyyyy have accepted the Gwyneth Paltrowian deal with the devil where you can stop aging if you also arrest your personal sense of style at the same point in time. (Fortunately for Jen, she has a much more timeless sensibility than Gwyneth does.)

Reese Witherspoon

Great hair, but meh on the dress. I think I would have preferred it without the black.

Jennifer Hudson

People loved this, but it just wasn't my bag. I know I'm in the minority, and I can't even really explain why I don't like it (some kind of reptilian/Flintstonian vibe I can't quite articulate), but every now and then, you disagree with one of the universal faves. This was one of those times.

Jennifer Lawrence

While I'm completely losing you, I'll go ahead and throw it out there that I didn't love Jennifer's look. I know. Don't murder me. I like her. And it was a big night in a big year for J-Law. Good for her. However, neither the hair nor the dress felt spectacular to me. They weren't bad--just not my favorite look of hers. But there's no denying she was queen of the night.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: BRADLEY COOPER'S MOM

Forgot to put her under best dressed, but this woman really needs her own category anyway. She's wearing SNEAKS. And that furry thing. She's to die for. 

So that's that. Your comments are, per ALWAYS AND FOREVER, welcomed.

Continued from Part 1

We've discussed the winners. Time for . . . 

THE LOSERS

Anne Hathaway

Uh, yeah, I hate Anne Hathaway, and yeah, it's just personal. Sorry. Them's the breaks. Regardless, this was a no. In her red carpet interview, Anne joked that the (backless) dress was "business in the front; party in the back." A great follow-up question would have been to ask what business emphasizes awkwardly drawing everyone's eyes to your nipples all night long/forever.

Anyway. Didn't like the color, didn't like the neckline/necklace, still don't like Anne.

Halle Berry

I will admit that this is the best-case scenario for what you get when you say "Beetlejuice" three times.

Helen Hunt

Helen Hunt made a statement by wearing a gown from the H&M Conscious Collection. Appreciate the idea behind it, but, uh, it doesn't look good. I totally emphathize, though, because everything I have ever bought from H&M has ended up fitting improperly and wrinkling instantaneously.

Kristen Chenoweth

The personality of a teenager aggressively campaigning for Homecoming Queen combined with Disney villain styling. Weird that that didn't work.

This is also the first of several high buns I hated. 

Salma Hayek

Here is Bun of Death #2. I know this crazy "turtleneck made out of Reese's Cup wrappers" thing doesn't leave many hair options, but the dark bun is just way too severe here.

Renee Zellweger

The dress wasn't all that bad., although it was not my cup of tea and it definitely washed her out. But I hate the hair.

Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)

OK, so a D-lister dressing badly for attention is the oldest trick in the red carpet book, but what can I say? I like low-hanging fruit. It is, at least, much better than fruit that has been awkwardly smushed upwards at a painful angle . . .

Kristen Stewart

K-Stew actually ended up on a lot of best-dressed lists with this, but C'MAN. She showed up on crutches, her hair was a mess, she glowered through her turn presenting and had a huge bruise on her arm. So yeah, nice dress, but I'm over this low-energy sourpuss and it's gonna take way more than White Swan to change that.

Amanda Seyfriend

This was a bit predictable--it echoed some of her recent looks--and the hair is approaching the preliminary Bride of Frankenstein warning zone. When you combine that with the automatic 5 point SO SICK OF LES MIS deduction I factored in, it's straight to the bottom for Ms. Seyfried.

Amy Adams

It's probably harsh to put her in Worst Dressed, but I think she's lovely and was disappointed with the blah color and last-season trend of whatever that huge, tulle-ified skirt is called.

Zoe Saldana

I like that she takes risks, but sometimes risks don't pay off. A belt that looks like it has your high school diploma tucked into it falls firmly into the category of "not paying off."

Next up: Part 3

When I say the Oscars got off to a bad start last night, I am actually just talking (Anne Hathaway style) about myself. 

(Yeah--best to just open up with my stance on the Great Anne Hathaway Debate. Do not like.) 

Anyway, I had crucially burned some popcorn on my stove immediately prior to the telecast, and as I ran through the house opening windows, turning on fans, clearing smoke, and eventually re-popping popcorn (because I'm not a QUITTER who would abandon her plan for a completely nutrition-less dinner at the first sign of a setback), I caught only snippets of the opening monologue. So for that first 15 minutes or so, I thought my questions (huh? is that William Shatner? Why is Seth McFarlane so obsessed with whether he is a bad host? Are they singing an entire song about boobs?) all had perfectly logical answers that I was just missing because I was only catching bits and pieces from the giant burnt popcorn kernel that was my kitchen.

WELL. I got my act together by 8:45 PM; the show never did. As Richard Rushfield articulates nicely here, the 2013 Oscars were odd, awkward, and tonally schizophrenic: dramatic musical numbers tied together by an ever-thinning thread of Desperate Seth McFarlane.

And that's really all I have to say about the show in general. Let's get to the winners, losers, and, the in-betweeners.

WINNERS

Great dress, but Charlize's natural poise/striking hair took the look to iconic level.

Jessica Chastain

This was a great hair night* all around, and Chaz (yeah, I'm calling her Chaz, it's a thing) was best-of-the-best for me. As I tweeted at the time:

Jessica Chastain is an inspiration to all smart and classy people who look like mermaids and just wonder if they will amount to anything

(@laurenmc18) February 25, 2013

*Except for the BUNS, which we will GET TO LATER

Naomi Watts

Made good on what proved to be a hit-or-miss night for metallics. The cutout is totally what January Jones wishes she was pulling off when she wears kooky stuff that doesn't quite work this well. 

Sally Field

Sally is too cute, and I loved this. Great dress, great hair. 

Quvenzhané Wallis

PUPPY PURSE! I was obvs enchanted by Quvenzhané's accessory of choice; I have since learned that this is kind of her thing and she has worn different ones to each major awards show. Now you know how to make an absolutely endearing nine-year-old kid even more endearing.

Adele

Won an Oscar, worked the stage, and eschewed her usual kooky/frumpy looks in favor of something a bit more glamorous--her best award show look yet. Nitpick: don't like the hair. MUCH preferred it down during her performance.

Jennifer and Ben

Loved Jen's dress, makeup, hair, AND jewelry. My initial reaction was that she could have done more dramatic makeup, but in retrospect, this was perfect--especially considering it was Ben's night and not hers.

Speaking of which, love the beard on Director Ben. 

Kerry Washington

Count me among the fans of this color/style. The metallic accent was in keeping with the trend of the night, so the coral color didn't seem too out there. Strong showing.

Up next: Part 2.

I'm lacking the time to put together a proper recap today, but I just can't miss the opportunity to praise some of the delightfully tacky outfits from last night's Grammy red carpet.

The past few rounds of Oscars, Globes, and Emmys have had plenty of looks both beautiful and bad, but tacky is its own, specific breed. Tacky isn't so much about wearing a bad outfit--it's about wearing a jubilantly inappropriate one. Like everyone else knew it was an awards show and you thought it was a Dress Like a Human My Little Pony Contest.

Looking at you, Kate Pierson of the B-a52s. Loooooking at you.

Tacky is never lazy. Tacky takes work. Tacky means spending hours lovingly dying a Rapunzel hair extension in Kool Aid while you wait for your chainmail.com order to arrive. Tacky takes effort.

Tacky is elusive. It reminds you of something, but offers its own spin. Tacky is John Mayer channeling Willy Wonka channeling John Mayer back again.

Tacky is knowing everyone has heard your voice over and over again all year and giving them miles of sheerness and tulle and saying, "HERE'S EVEN MORE ME. YOU'RE WELCOME."

Tacky is whatever this is on whoever this is.

Tacky is the leg slit on the shapeless dress that doesn't even look good with the hair that even looks worse, making it clear that you chose this look not because you liked the designer, but because you like your own bod more than anything that can be made out of mere fabric.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Tacky is sophisticated 70s Mother Nature realness served with a side of This Face, All Night, Because You're Damn Right I'm Serious.

Tacky is Taylor. You know I'm right.

Tacky is great. I miss tacky. Tacky will outlast the careers of all of these people. Tacky is timeless. And you can never go wrong with a classic.

P.S. Tacky is a blog post that uses the T-word 25 times. Sorry I'm not sorry.

(Continued from here.)

I don't have as much to say about these as I did about the bad (criticism just flows much more freely; it's one of my gifts). But for the sake of balance, here's who I liked.

KATE HUDSON 

Every time the camera hit JG I thought she looked radiant. Photograph doesn't do this one justice (it kind of sparkled and shimmered on video and, presumably, in person), but you get the point.

TINA AND AMY

Looking good and having fun. Tina's hair looked amazing, and I fully support her becoming a hair icon if she so chooses.

Liked the dress; loved the hair.

 JENNIFER LAWRENCE

If you're gonna do a bow, this is the way to do it while still being glamorous (cough RACHEL WEISZ cough).

Bright and pretty. Great hair, great necklace, and a wacky, fuzzy bag to make it fun.

More of the good . . .

• Julianne Moore: wasn't crazy about that beehive, tho
• Amanda Seyfried: pretty
• Sally Field: just too cute
• Kerry Washington: stylish; if you're gonna do that sheer drop skirt thing then this is the preferred route (cough RACHEL WEISZ AGAIN cough)
• Claire Danes: her hair continues to be great; she looks awesome in a good-but-not-even-great dress

That's all. I'm sure I missed some on both sides, and I will blame any oversights on DayQuil haze and the fact that all day I have been approximately this.

Last night's Golden Globes were one of my favorite awards shows in a while. The hosting was good, the speeches were largely non-boring, and there enough odd/wacky moments peppered throughout to keep it interesting. (Here is a decent top 7 on said moments.)

I've split my fashion recap into two categories: the good and the bad.* We'll start with the bad and work our way up.

THE BAD

JENNIFER LOPEZ

It says a lot about J-Lo that this is basically predictable attire for her. That being said, it doesn't quite rate as boring because it is a full-length nude bodystocking doily thing made of that super unsexy figure skater illusion material. Anyway, the prevailing commentary here was "Jennifer is basically naked," but I raise you two points: 1) she probably would have looked better naked; and 2) she certainly would have been able to move better. Watching celebs mince around uncomfortably is enough to kill even the best look, so it so it certainly doesn't do any favors for a bad one.

RACHEL WEISZ

Tip: if you're on James Bond's arm then the bottom of your dress shouldn't remind me of a beekeeper. I mean, hell, if you're on anyone's arm (except a guy in a bee costume), then this rule applies. Also, polka dots always look twee/informal to me and bows frequently do, so overall this was Budget Marion Cotillard at best and Rachel needn't settle for that.

LENA DUNHAM

I like Lena and do not count myself among the Girls haters; however, heavy folds of fabric in a blah color--not my fave. Sadly, Lena also had a bad case of I-Can't-Move-In-This-Itis. During her two excruciating trips to the stage I watched this dress pull her down like it was quicksand as she hobbled forth on what appears to have been a very nonfunctional shoe choice. The entire telecast seemed to come to a screeching halt as the world prepared itself for a faceplant.

TAYLOR SWIFT

Boring dress that looks like off-the-rack prom attire paired with ultra-severe hair and makeup: not the most approachable look I've seen on Tay Swift. I don't want to hate on this young lady, but . . . ohhhhh. I guess I do.

KALEY CUOCO

All my criticisms of this outfit shall be rescinded if, in three months' time, it is revealed that the verymethod Ms. Cuoco was just selected for the titular role(s) in an Olsen twin biopic.

Adele had one of the best speeches of the night--quick, funny, unpretentious--but her award show wardrobe is just one heavy, black dress after another. For someone who seems to have a much lighter side than her earlier work would have us expect, her wardrobe is consistenly bleak. Let's see some color and maybe even some skin at some point, plz?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

She seems great, and I love her hair and makeup, but this dress was perhaps the most awkwardly-fitting choice of the night.

SIENA MILLER

Soooooo. Siena here just played Tippi Hendren in The Girl and I suppose this is a nod to '60s style, but here's a thought: if that's what you're going for, why not do one of the five million more glamorous '60s looks available than 'fat lady housedress?'

More of the bad . . .

• Eva Longoria: overwrought; also, choose either the slit or the cleavage, not both (Em pointed this one out and I agree)
• Halle Berry: just a casual "what the hell" and let's move on
• Emily Mortimer: baked potato, chainmail, Tin Man, etc.
• Alyssa Milano: more like Mila-NOooooooooo, amirite? high five

Next up: The Good

*Confession: Originally I was going to do a third category, The Boring, but (shockingly!) I got bored.

Oscar recap? OK, Oscar recap. Add a peach mimosa to this and you have my Oscar experience:

Yes, I am getting lots of use out of my Pajama Jeans, thanks for noticing!

If you watched the Oscars, you already know that the not-so subtle theme of the evening was Appreciate the Fuck out of Silence. This was courtesy of Billy Crystal rambling incoherently while a weird, tinny mechanical buzzing sound echoed in the background for three hours and then a silent movie won a bunch of awards because really, WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN SILENCE? (See also: sleep. I would like to thank the Academy for getting me to bed by 10:30 last night. You guys are the best!)

Granted, I went into last night's Oscar broadcast pretty unprepared: I had seen  just one of the Best Picture nominees (Moneyball). I had read the book The Help was based on, but that makes me about as qualified to judge it as a food critic writing a review of a restaurant based on having read its menu. What else? Oh, I also half-assedly clicked through a couple of photo galleries and saw enough screen grabs to understand that The Artist was not what the kids call a "talkie" and George Clooney was apparently nominated for being in a Carnival Cruise commercial.

(Exception to my ignorance: I was completely up-to-date on everything related to Uggie the Dog.)

I clearly have no commentary on the broadcast or the movies themselves, but that's OK because CLOTHES. That's what we come here for anyway, right?

ROONEY MARA

One thing I really appreciate abour Rooney Mara's look is that I know I could draw her. My portraiture skills, which have not evolved since approximately 1991, consist of drawing an extremely oval head with a line straight across the forehead depicting the bangs/hairline. Add some red crayon lips, and BOOM: PERSON. I know inspiration comes from a lot of places, but the Tupperware bin in my parents' basement labeled Lauren School Grade 3 was quite a long way for Rooney's stylist to go. You're welcome, guys, although I admit I wish you'd found my illustrated Babe Didrickson Zaharias report to imitate first. That would have made for a hell of a javelin jog-up down the red carpet.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, I want to let all three of these ladies know that if they need someone to draw them accurately, I am available, as long as they don't change their bangs: 

 MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Michelle Williams is a darling and continues to have the best short hair ever in the world, but I'm not sure why everyone looooved this dress. I thought it was fine and certainly didn't hate it, but I also don't understand the mobs screaming for this as #1 Best Dressed of the entire show. I really suspect that the rambling, chattering red carpet commentators were just extremely proud of knowing the world peplum and wanted to advertise it as grandly and effusively as possible. If you watched the red carpet you probably get what I'm saying, because they were like "Peplum Peplum Peplum?! Peplum. Peplum!!"

TINA FEY

Peplum Peplum Peplum?! Peplum. Peplum!!

JUDY GREER

Make no mistake about it: this is a sideways track suit pant leg. And it looks great.

 MISSI PYLE

Most polished Toddlers & Tiaras contestant ever! But how did she end up on the Oscars red carpet?

 GLENN CLOSE

The phrase that immediately came to mind when I saw this dress was "business octopus." The combination of suit top and seaweed color and the fact that when I saw it the train was particularly spread out (way more so than in this pic) all contributed to this judgment, but looking at the outfit again in the light of day I think mayyyybe the biggest contributor of all was my peach mimosa.

MATTHEW LILLARD

Matthew Lillard, aka this guy, was invited to the Oscars exclusively to remind you that the '90s are over.

 JENNIFER LOPEZ

I think it speaks volumes re: the boringness of last night's Oscars that this was the most controversial dress of the night. Yeah, it's got cleavage, but if you ask me this is pretty freaking demure. It has long sleeves, for crying out loud. (Granted, so did this.)

NATALIE PORTMAN

I like how Natalie Portman is the most credible and respected young actress ever and nobody can ever stop talking about how smart and great and classy she is but also, her dresses at awards shows are always really WTF. Like, this is clearly a Hot Topic goth prom dress and that purse should have more cherries on it, right?

I've actually read a lot of raves for this dress, but I stand by my assessment because I don't want to live in a world where polka dots are classy. 

GWYNETH PALTROW

I have to admit that I'm loopier than I usually am when I write these recaps because I woke up at 5 a.m. to make a bizarre work deadline, but the caption for this picture (in whatever slideshow I found it in) indicating that Gwyneth "took off her cape to present" made me laugh uncontrollably. I like to imagine that this is noteworthy information because there is Important Cape Etiquette I don't know about because I don't read Peggy Post: Capes Edition. But Gwyneth does, thank goodness.

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT

At 9:15 p.m. last night I was jolted out of dozing off thanks to a text from my sister: "Omg Angie and Brad same hair dye." Very true, although I will admit Ang's color is very lustrous and well-done and Brad is looking brassy and kind of gross. Anyway, these are beautiful people and they are waving to us like they are the Mayor and First Man of Prettytown and that's great and cool and I bet they went home and slept without dreaming, like they do every night, because their subconscious minds do not even understand the concept of reality not being perfect all the time. So that's cool and we'll keep moving.

 LOUISE ROE

I am not entirely sure who Louise Roe is, but I saw her in a slideshow and want to congratulate her on having the Most Structured Dress Ever. Tailored and belted and folded and pleated and folded more and origami-ed and was probably made by IKEA and took five hours and an L-wrench to put on. 

It is also possible that I am overreacting and this is just a dress and I only wear sweatpants ever.

GIULIANA RANCIC

I appreciate Giuliana's philosophy on styling herself for awards shows: "I've never not freaked Lauren out and I don't intend to start not freaking her out now!" Needless to say, her understanding of double negatives is also commendable. 

 LIVIA GIUGGIOLI

Livia Giuggioli is Colin Firth's wife and the current Guinness World Record Holder for Most Times I Had to Switch Tabs to Check How to Spell Her Name. But I did it all so I could say that wow, that is not so much a bust line as a full-on gutter that she was probably cleaning leaves out of by the end of the night. 

ANCY-NAY O'DELL-AY

One time I was doing one of these recaps and included some rant about how the woman whose name I have Pig Latin-ized above is very stange and dead-eyed, and then a million of her defenders (or, let's be honest, Ancy-Nay herself commenting under 20 different names) came and left angry comments in her defense and called me mean and other (true) things. Anyway, this is a yellow dress on an orange woman and I do not like it but I am hiding from the angry mob by disguising her name because I want to.

KELLY OSBOURNE

Kelly's hair is the color of a My Little Pony tail and her lipstick is the color of its magical turds. Past that I cannot comment.

WIM WENDERS

The Quirky Guy Killin It award for the night goes to Wim Wenders, who I will not pretend to have heard of before his blue-accented wonderfulness showed up in one of my slideshows this morning with an explanation that he made a documentary about Pina Bausch, who I have also not heard of because he is not my dog, one of the seven people I know personally, or Triscuits. 

JANE SEYMOUR

The thing I appreciate most about Jane Seymour is how she shows up to awards shows looking slammin and her facial expression is all "Bitch, I wear this grocery shopping." Keep it up, JS.

CAMERON DIAZ

I have to say, this is the best Cameron Diaz has looked in a while. And I am not just saying that because she currently is holding me in the air with just one arm.