LMNOP

Hopefully I have done enough of these fashion recaps where I can now skip writing an intro justifying my continued renewal of this petty exercise and just get straight to the gown sniping.

HERE WE GO!

KRISTEN WIIG

More like KRISTEN TWIIG, amirite?!?!

(Because she's skinny AND wearing brown! Get it?! Hahahahahatemyself)

KATIE HOLMES

Wasn't sure if my joke for this one made sense, so I took it for outside counsel:

Approved. "Sports bra of Frankenstein" it is. If that makes no sense, thank Emily.

JON HAMM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND,WHO KEEPS WEARING BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER COLORS SO THAT MAYBE PEOPLE WILL SEE HER NEXT TO JON HAMM

I guess I'm a bad person for never remembering this woman's name. But, in all seriousness, if I were Jon Hamm's girlfriend, I would literally change my name to John Hamm's Girlfriend, and if she hasn't already done that, it's not really my fault. (Also: in my head I sometimes think of them as "Jon Hamm and Jon Her," which doesn't even make sense. But there you have it.)

JANE KRAKOWSKI

Jane didn't get the Emmy she was up for, but she is definitely this year's recipient of the "Hulk Hogan Skin" Award. It's not an Emmy, but it's something.

PAZ DE LA HUERTA

Should Jane Krawkowski not be able to fulfill her duties as shiniest orange woman in Hollywood, a replacement has been identified and is waiting in the wings.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Devil: So, Gwyneth, I have your contract ready for you to sign, regarding your face.
Gwyneth: Oh, great! Devil: Just to review the terms, you are selling me your soul.
Gwyneth: Yep.
Devil: In return, I am going to let you keep the same face you had in the 90s forever, without aging.
Gwyneth: Yes.
Devil: And you've further agreed to my condition that in order to keep the 90s face, you have to also dress like it's the 90s. And like, uncool 90s.
Gwyneth: (sighs) Yes.
Devil: OOOOK then. I think we're good to sign. Tell Chris I loved the new album. I play it all the time at Hell Orientation.

(BTW, joke is on the Devil. What the HELL is he going to do with Gwyneth Paltrow's soul?)

JULIANNA MARGOLIES

Gahhhh. Every award show, there is at ONE dress that I think is so ridiculous, but cannot for the life of me think of a good joke for. This year, this is that dress. The best thing I could think of was calling the big water droplet thingies a fashion "DEW" not, which is, basically the Julianna Margolies 2011 Emmy dress of jokes: a bad, bad choice.

JAYMA MAYS

So, the thing about Jayma Mays is that she always seems to be on trend and pitch perfect--for a CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. And I'm sure she's totally normal and cool and doesn't go home to one of those houses full of glass unicorns that all have specific names and need to be in certain places like on whatever movie I'm blanking about right now, but . . . God, I'm not sure of that at ALL.

This woman totally goes home to glass unicorns.

ELLIE KEMPER

Ellie Kemper's motto in life: "Dress for the job you want" 

Job Ellie Kemper wants: Person on the Funfetti cake mix box

Cold, dead, hands she will have to pry that offer letter (on Pillsbury Doughboy's letterhead) out of: MINE

I did like this dress, though.

OLIVIA MUNN

(Blah blah blah, Jolly Green Giant's special occasion bedsheets, blah blah blah, moving on)

ELIZABETH MOSS

I guess the thing about this dress that bothers me the most is that the sheer fabric makes it hard for me to tell where the dress ends and the slightly creepy actress I am absolutely certain I would hate in real life begins.

KELLY MACDONALD

This dress reminds me of those optical illusions that can be both two faces and a vase and a horrible thing to wear to an awards ceremony at the same time.

HEIDI KLUM AND SEAL

I mean, like, they look insane. But guess who doesn't care? Heidi Klum and Seal.

ALAN CUMMING

No, this actually totally works, and I love it.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL 

This dress fell flat for me, but in a boring way that I can't easily make fun of. JUST LIKE THE PREVIEWS FOR ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S SHOW! Heyooo.

JOEL McHALE

I love Joel McHale and am therefore not sure how to handle the inTENSEly strong Bruno Mars vibe I am getting from this outfit.

Ultimately, I think I will just ignore it. 

ANNA FARIS

Niche joke for people who played like 35 hours of The Sims 2 per week in college: somebody totally took a blank dress and went to Build mode and picked a floor tile pattern and Ctrl + clicked to fill on this one, right? Rrrrright.

DIANNA AGRON

I missed the red carpet interview where they asked Dianna who designed this dress, but I assume it was Eiffel 65.

PLAY US OUT, GUYS!

 

Because I have as much right to critique the Oscars as anyone who dozed off approximately one hour into the broadcast, here are my official comments on the most important part: the clothes.

Natalie Portman

Dressing around a pregnancy can be difficult, but critics agreed that Portman really nailed it in this drapey plum Rodarte with "BITCHES U KNOW I'M GONNA WIN" emblazoned on the baby bump. Resplendent!

Cate Blanchett

So, the gallery I saw this in described Cate Blanchett as "always a fashion plate," and after I read that, I was like OMG. THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A HERE. A PLATE. A FASHION ONE. I mean, I kinda do like this dress, but wow--she really does look like what a plate would have turned into at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the household objects got to become human again, right? Yes. I'm right. 

Helen Mirren

She should seriously change her name from "Dame Helen Mirren" to "Damnnn, Helen Mirren."

Penelope Cruz

So, I had to stare at this for like six minutes before I realized what was bothering me about it, but then it hit me. This is the exact costume that would be worn by the person playing Jupiter in a production of The Solar System on Ice. Like, exactly. The Great Red Spot is there and everything.

(Sidenote: why is there no such thing as a Solar System on Ice show?)

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are lucky they are famous, because otherwise they would be one of those couples people are always awkwardly mistaking for brother and sister. (Or maybe even sister and sister. Keith Urban's face is, like, 40% more feminine than mine is.)

Also, Andrea, you are correct: the official three-letter description of this dress is WTF.

Reese Witherspoon

I liked this dress!

In 2001.

At my prom.

Anne Hathaway and Sandra Bullock

I am grouping these two ladies together. If they had looked any more alike last night, they would have been Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Looks like soooooomebody heard I was casting Solar System on Ice and is gunning for the part of Mercury. Subtle, Gwynnie--rrrrreal subtle.

Scarlett Johansson

Remember when everyone used to be obsessed with ScarJo? Right now that time seems about as far away as the beet farm beauty pageant this dress should have been worn to.

Florence Welch

Very cool, if you like that "Tilda Swinton at a square dance" vibe. You don't? Ah, then. Sorry.

Sharon Stone

Someone please tell her she's already scary.

Marisa Tomei

This dress starts off awkwardly, takes a weird turn about halfway through, and then just becomes an absolute trainwreck. OH, GOD: IT'S THE DRESS EQUIVALENT OF A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

Virginia Madsen

Am I hallucinating, or is this the second time in recent memory that Virginia Madsen has shown up to something looking like Cruella De Vil? Can someone research that? Preferably not an L.A.-based dalmatian owner, though--you should be busy hiding your dog(s) right now.

Amy Adams

I like Amy Adams, and I enjoyed this combo of red hair and navy sparkle. Which is why I feel bad for . . .

Dale Dickey

Same concept, but a little less cute.

Nancy O'Dell

Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul

. . . What? 

I'll close this recap with a GIF (source) of my fave moment of the night: Helena Bonham Carter reacting to hearing her own name called in the list of Best Supporting Actress nominations:

Love her.

THE END.

P.S. Thanks go to Emily for letting me bounce jokes off of her all day.

The Golden Globes were last night, and they were pretty damn boring. It never ceases to amaze me that if you take a room and fill it with the most entertaining people of the year, all they end up doing is stunning everyone into complete boredom with the most awful acceptance speeches ever.

The fashion wasn't very exciting, either, which is an even greater shame. I did what I could in terms of a recap, but I wish there'd been more to work with.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

This dress is ugly, but more than that, it's disappointing. Michelle Williams know how to look cuter than this. Like, talk about a Venn Diagram with no middle:

I'm sure there are other opinions, though. 

JANUARY JONES

This fringed boob-showcaser was perhaps the most controversial dress of the night: it was on just as many Best Dressed lists as Worsties. But one thing we can all agree on? January Jones = Hottest. Sea anemone. Ever. 

Sorry, other sea anemone.

JULIANNE MOORE

I could almost, almost, alllllmost live with a dress that has one of MC Hammer's legs for an arm. But the damn thing is wrinkled. That ruins it.

Tilda Swinton

After the 2009 Oscars, I described Tilda's style of dressing as "Things That Would Not Shock a Time-Traveling Pilgrim at All." I feel no need to update this assessment. 

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

How I imagine Helena's thought process, in four steps:

1. I know! I'll wear a red shoe and a green shoe! So wacky.
2. But . . . crap. How will colorblind people know my outfit is bad?
3. [Selection of dress, sunglasses, hairstyle ensue.]
4. Good to go.

But, at the end of the day, is there really any point in putting Helena Bonham Carter on a Worst Dressed list? No. There isn't. She doesn't care. So I say: well played, HBC. Well played.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Did you know "Sandra Bullock" is an anagram for "Skull and Cobra?" I do now, because I was trying to figure out an anagram that contained the word "Sad" in the hopes that said anagram would help me describe this dress a little better. Because Sandy B is not really working it in this, and she looked way more subdued than usual last night. Unfortunately for my anagram. this has nothing to do with skulls and cobras.

EMMA STONE

HOLY MONOCHROMATIC DISASTER. To be fair, I think this photographed worse than it actually looked. To be unfair, she looks like a finger.

KATIE JOEL

True story: I was flipping through red carpet galleries before I went to bed last night, and this dress was one of the last things I saw before I fell asleep. I then had a dream that I was eating candy corn.

ANNETTE BENING:

Lastly, I like Annette Bening as much as the next person--actually, I probably like her more than the next person does, unless the next person is, like, Warren Beatty--but this made me laugh really hard:

The 62 Annual Emmys were last night, and they were extremely enjoyable once you got past the fact that it sounded like everyone was saying "The 60-Second Annual Emmys."  That made me feel like they were going to bring out the Micro Machines guy and have him do the whole show superfast, then leave us with an hour and 59 minutes left before it was time to switch channels and watch Mad Men.  Anyway, while the show was very well done, the fashion was pretty boring--none of the good was good enough, and none of the bad was bad enough.  Here is my recap.

Sofia Vergara

Sofia looked like butter dipped in glitter, but I would argue that she is the kind of woman who can pull it off.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but there you go.

Padma Lakshmi

Hmmm, navy blue dress and a bib necklace.  Where have I seen this combo before?

Ohhh, right--on Padma Lakshmi, three weeks ago.  Episode 8 elimination challenge, anyone?  You are soooo busted, Padma.

Toni Collette

Toni Collette is this year's reminder that you should always take a limo to the Emmys instead of fording through a swamp, Oregon-Trail style.

Lea Michele

Lea Michele's Oscar de la Renta was pretty, but also pretty boring.  She also looks kind of like a Penelope Cruz impersonator here.

January Jones

I'm gonna turn this one over to my friend Caitlar, who did a great job live-tweeting the red carpet last night.  Here's her take:

BINGO.  This is exactly what bothers me about most of January's looks, but I could never find the right words to say it!

Ty and Holly Burrell

I actually liked Ty's grey tux, but those shoes are kinda sad.  However, he plays someone awkward, so he gets away with it.  His wife?  Well, at least she looks happy.  Then again, I would also be happy if I'd just escaped from Las Vegas Muppet Dance Prison with only the clothes on my back.

Tina Fey

I am generally too blinded by my love of Tina Fey to criticize what she wears, but I don't know about this one.  I do like the shape, but the print reminded me of Screen Beans.

Betty White

Speaking of Microsoft Office-inspired fashion, Betty White's dress is totally one of the custom gradient options.  I know we are not supposed to criticize Betty White, but I am just pointing out that this is not a place to go dress shopping:

Kim Kardashian

Back to Caitlar:
I have to add that her hair was giving me Pauly D flashbacks when I saw it in HD.

Stephanie Pratt

If nothing else, this demonstrates a strategy: when everyone else is gunning for "Best Dress," be the only one to go for "Best Shirt."  Winner by default!

Jane Krakowski

I'm not necessarily saying I don't like this dress . . . but if you look at this picture long enough, you definitely get the impression that she is missing a leg.

Jewel

Ehhhhhhhhhhhh.  Don't like the dress, and can't help but notice that the purse is actually the soap dish from a nursing home.

Rita Wilson

This looks like an already-bad dress that has had the additional misfortune of being caught in a net.

Heidi Klum

For being the shortest dress out there, this was still somehow too much: the rosettes were bulky, the shoes looked like they had ants crawling on them, and the necklace was not my fave.  All in all, this could have (maybe) worked for something like the Teen Choice Awards, but not the Emmys.  Let's check in with Caitlar one more time:
Amen.

Sooooo . . . the Oscars were last night.  Because this is the biggest of them all, I will be doing today's fashion recap in true awards show format.  Here we go!

ROUND ONE: THE SHOWDOWNS
Award categories pitting two nominees against each other

Category: Worst Purple Monstrosity
And the nominees are: Charlize Theron and Zoe Saldana

Both of these enterprising young women came up with very creative approaches to looking horrible in purple.  On the one hand, Charlize took a straightforward bridemaid gown and enhanced it with boob-finder patches in a complementary shade; Zoe, on the other hand, pulled out all the stops--including the stop that was labeled, "CAUTION:  DO NOT WEAR SOMETHING THAT WOULD ONLY LOOK SEXY TO GRIMACE FROM McDONALD'S."

The envelope, please: This one has to go to Zoe Saldana.  Charlize, you tried; however, it was Zoe who spent the night kicking Grimace-balls around in an unrelenting attempt to be the worst in purple.

Category: Fleshiest
And the nominees are: Anna Kendrick, Demi Moore

It is one thing to wear a dress that fits you like a second skin; it is entirely another to wear a dress that is the exact same color as your skin.  For Anna, this meant wearing a pale pink-ish color; Demi, however, chose a slightly tanner selection from the exclusive EpidermalFormal  line of fabrics.

The envelope, please: I'm not sure how to judge this one.  I guess I'll give it to Demi for having the slightly closer tonal match, but does that really make her a winner?  I don't know.

Category: Best Dress Inspired by the Watercolors Hanging in My Old Orthodontist's Office
And the nominees are: Rachel McAdams, Maggie Gyllenhaal

You know, I definitely liked Maggie's dress, and I may even like Rachel's.  And I give them both credit for wearing prints to the Oscars.  However, I would be remiss in my duties as a total asshole if I did not point out that both prints look like they came straight off the wall of my orthodontist's office circa 1999.

The envelope, please: I liked Maggie's dress better overall, whereas Rachel's most closely brought home the watercolor repro motif for me.  So I am just going to give the award to orthodontists in general.  That seems fair.

Category: Most Confusing
And the nominees are: The Main Part of Jennifer Lopez's Dress, The Huge Other Part of Jennifer Lopez's Dress

This dress looked drastically different from every angle, which left me confused and slightly disoriented.  This is due in part to the bunchy construction, but also to the fact that I think it was annexing other pink dresses as the night went on.

The envelope, please: The title of "Most Confusing" will, in fact, go to the main part of the dress.  That is where all the problems began.  I think.

Category: The Best Old Lady in a Blue Dress Who's Married to a Guy Named James
And the nominees are: James Taylor's Wife (top pic), James Cameron's Wife (bottom pic)

I don't know what the F was up here, but these two women were basically wearing the same thing, right?  Awkward.

The envelope, please:  Mrs. Taylor FTW.  No sense breaking the Cameron family's losing streak now.

Category: Deadest Inside
And the nominees are: Kristen Stewart, Kathy Ireland

All I really have to say to these ladies is: HOLY GLAZED-OVER EYES AND FORCED SMILE, BAT-TO-THE-MAN.

(Long, cleansing sigh goes rrrrrright abouuuut heeeeeere.)

So, this is Kristen Stewart's thing.  She shows up at these events looking pained, depressed, and uncomfortable, forgetting that we all know that nobody is holding her hostage in Hollywood and forcing her to be an actress.  Yawn.  But where the hell did Kathy Ireland come from?  (Actually, I know: KMart.)  E! brought Ms. Ireland on to do red carpet interviews last night, and I have to say that I have never seen a human look and act less natural than she did.  (To give you an idea of how bad she was, just read here.)

The envelope, please: Tough call.  I'll give it to Kristen Stewart and hope she is uncomfortable with the attention.

ROUND TWO: THE ONE-OFFS
Awards that went unopposed

Best Combination of Bright Hair, Bright Dress, and Fading Relevance: Molly Ringwald

Because nothing matches not doing much since the '80s like BRIGHT-ASS PURPLE and BRIGHT-ASS RED!!! RIGHT?!!?!

"Look at Me, I'm with George Clooney"-ist: Elisabetta Canales

Most Likely to Have to Dress This Way So Her High-Ass Husband Can Find Her Easily: Woody Harrelson's Wife

The "Thank God They Left Her a Place to Put Her Hand" Award: Vera Farmiga

Best . . . Um . . . What?: Sarah Jessica Parker

Two things are guaranteed with SJP: 1.) she will always be dressed in something freakish; and 2.) and she will always look thrilled as shit to be in it.

The "Yikes, I Hope Your Dry Cleaner Doesn't Charge Extra for Removing the Quentin Tarantino Smell" Award: Diane Kruger
Meryl Streep-iest: Meryl Streep

Your thoughts?  Who did I miss?

The 2010 Golden Globes were last night, which means today I have a fashion recap for you.  Surely you know how this works by now.

I found the fashion last night to be sort of boring overall--way too much dusty pink/nude, for example.  But here's what stood out, nevertheless:

Fergie

A good dress should make a statement.  Here, that statement is, "PERIWINKLE PERIWINKLE PERIWINKLE!!!!!!!!"  Unfortunately, I am not such a huge fan of periwinkle.  It was always the one crayon in my box that still looked perfectly sharpened midway through the school year, when good colors were all nubby from overuse.  Fergie, you should have gone with Cerulean! 

Diane Kruger

I think as far as to Diane Kruger's dress goes, reactions from people are going to vary widely based on how much they like taffy pulls.  Me?  I give it an A+.  Taffy is awesome!  In fact, here's an EXTREME TAFFY CLOSEUP:

Julia Roberts

Is it just me, or is Julia Roberts, like, ridiculously underdressed? I could wear this outfit to work and not get a second look.  And I work in a coal mine.

Elisabetta Canalis

Elisabetta Canalis is dating George Clooney, which means she has a lot of things figured out.  One of them seems to be how to wear a dress that shows off where all the tendons and ligaments are located in the human abdomen.

Annalyne McCord

 

Annalynne McCord's dress is like one of those optical illusions where you can see either of two things, like a vase or two faces, depending on how you look at it.  But in her case, you can only see one thing: two fists grabbing her boobs.

(Also, I showed this picture to Kelly, and she called is JWOWW: Bridal Edition, which I think is also a very accurate description.  This is a Jersey Shore wedding dress if I ever saw one.)

Jayma Mays

This is Jayma Mays from Glee, and possibly also from an upcoming TLC show called Help! I Didn't Know I Was a Spider!

Lauren Graham

And here is Lauren Graham, wearing an only very slightly more embellished version of the secondhand bridesmaid dress I wore to the Bridesmaid Bar Crawl in November.  Needless to say, I am calling her best dressed of the night.

Kate Winslet

The Teen Choice Awards were earlier this week, but it has taken me several days to get an appropriate fashion recap together.  This is probably because I am old.

While 90% of American teens are overdoing it with the whole emo trend, Lil' Mama has decided to instead overdo it with the lesser-known emu trend.  What a difference a vowel makes.

I have never heard of this Drake Bell person before.  This means that literally EVERYTHING I know about him is that (1) he exists; and (2) he owns flowered velvet flare pants.  So, I would say that Drake Bell and I are not off to a good start.

I am not entirely sure why Jordana Brewster was at this event.  I am entirely sure that her dress looks like a full-body sports bra.

I would make fun of this look, but it actually incorporates two of my favorite trends: frowning, and metal shark teeth.

So, I have this style rule.  It's actually pretty simple: a good dress should not remind anyone of the phrase "massive dandruff."  This dress breaks that rule.

So . . . these guys just look like a bunch of dweebs.

I don't know why, but I can't shake the feeling that the bottom half of this dress would look better as a hat.  On a monkey.

I gotta say it: some of the outfits at the Oscars last night were very good.  Obviously, those were of no interest to me.  Fortunately, there were some bad ones as well.  Let us now discuss them.

When Melissa Leo showed up on my screen with the Best Actress nominees last night, I thought, "Hmm, I have no idea who she is."  I am guessing a lot of people were thinking the same thing.  I also thought, "Hmmm, her dress is doo-doo brown . . . and so is her hair."  I am guessing a lot of people were thinking that as well.

The only thing less surprising than the Slumdog sweep was Angelina's dress.  Ooh, something black and flowy that shows off her tattoos and bony clavicle?  How original.

Bridget Fonda is not really important enough for anyone to have asked her the "What are you wearing?" question last night, which is a shame.  I would have really liked to hear her answer, "a dress inspired by a Yikes pencil from 1991."

On TV, Miley's alter ego is Hannah Montana.  On the red carpet, her alter ego must be a 45-year-old woman; that seems to be the only justification for why her gowns always appear to have been chosen for someone three times her age.

On another note, this dress looks like what would happen if you put a figure skating outfit in a giant petri dish and let it grow uncontrollably.

Something about this dress makes me uncomfortable.  That thing is the awkward cleavage.

I can relate to Jessica Biel's thinking here; when I wear white, I like to tuck a napkin into my top as well.  Still, for the Academy Awards?  Maybe not the best idea. 

My main problem with Tilda Swinton is that her outfits all seem to fall into the category of "Things That Would Not Shock a Time-Traveling Pilgrim At All."  What's frightening, though, is that this dress is about a thousand times better than what she wore last year.  (Actually, what's frightening is Tilda Swinton in general.)

Yikes.

Moving on.

In addition to the above commentary, I'd like to point out a few trends I noticed last night.

TREND: Kooky but Boring Red Dresses

 

 

Heidi Klum, Amanda Seyfried, and Virginia Madsen all wore shiny red dresses with exaggerated details, and, viewed individually, all of them looked OK; not the best dresses of the night, but not the worst.  Jointly, though, they look like a study in Things to Do with Red Fabric When You're Not That Exciting of a Person.  It's a shame, because I love Le Klum and I think Amanda Seyfried is pretty. 

I am so. over. mermaid silhouette. dresses.  Time to publicly shame the ladies who wore them last night.

Offender: Beyonce

Beyonce, if I had a dime for every time you wore a dress of this shape, I could reupholster every piece of furniture in my house with that hideous print you are wearing.  So thank God nobody gave me all those dimes.  But really, get a new thing going.

A small area of this dress is hogging an absurd percentage of its fabric.  Not unlike the distribution of global wealth, this dress is lopsided and painful to consider for too long.

Offender: Vanessa Hudgens

This dress is ugly AND it looks like a bird flew into it.

TREND: That Shade of Purple I Hate

 

 

Dear sweet God, do I hate lilac.  I just do.  I am aware that some people like it, and I am certain this world is big enough for all of us.  I can't sign off on these two dresses though, despite them both featuring that fancy drapy look I liked on all of Rami Kashou's Project Runway designs.

OK--your thoughts, please.  Who/what did I miss?

The 51st Annual Grammy Awards were last night, and I am celebrating another year in artistic achievement gone by with an exercise in my own craft: making fun of famous people's outfits.

Coldplay

I turned on my TV just in time to see Chris Martin prancing around the stage during Coldplay's performance wearing a freakish aqua blazer and a comically small pants/crop top duo.  Yes.  Crop top.  The entire band was dressed in what Martin later described as a "Sgt. Pepper rip-off," but let's acknowledge it for what it really was: a deranged, parallel-universe version of The Wiggles.

MIA 

MIA doesn't really try to dress for anyone's approval, so she's hard to hate on.  Plus, last night was literally her due date, so again: hard to hate.  Instead, I will just merely make the observation that she looks like a human maternity version of a migraine aura.

Paris Hilton

Three shades of purple, two shades of green, cutouts, glitter, shimmer, lace, and ruching: that is a lot to fit on a dress that's approximately nine inches long.

Estelle

To be fair, this is one of the best attempts at futuristicgreyplastickycrapstyle I've yet seen.  But having the best ugly plastic dress?  That's like having the prettiest turd.

John Mayer

John Mayer looks stupid.

Lisa Rinna

You'd think that with all the security personnel employed by the Brangelina family, somebody would have noticed Lisa Rinna picking through their trash as she put together this Jolie-wannabe look.

Taylor Swift

Actually, I think this young lady looks fantastic; however, I see a disturbingly Zellwegerian squint in her facial expression, and am hereby putting her on FaceWatch.  If such behavior continues, I will have to take drastic measures.

Sheryl Crow

This dress isn't so horribly offensive, but for me the fabric is way too much like staring into one of those oily, rainbow-ish puddles on the ground at the gas station--and, well, I just have to believe that good fashion doesn't ever remind anyone of being at a gas station.

The 2009 Golden Globes were on last night, and since nothing helps exorcise my pent-up bitchiness better than smug celebs in formalwear, I was ALL OVER THAT SHIT.  And while I love checking my gossip sites the day after awards shows to see all the Best Dressed and Worst Dressed lists, I've long felt that such simplistic categories do a great injustice to the Hollywood set.  Actors are complex, multifaceted people; so, rather than stuff them into one-size-fits-all categories of Best and Worst, I've invented a much more robust system that recognizes their intricacies and special qualities.

[click any pic for a larger image]

Best Use of a Hot Topic Gift Card: Heidi Klum

Usually, Heidi Klum can do no wrong in my eyes.  But she also usually doesn't dress like a random goth at high school prom.

Best Use of a Smug-Ass Smile: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (Tie)

Brad may not be getting any hotter these days, but he is getting wiser: aviator shades will go far to protect his eyes from the glare of Angie's halo.

Best Auxiliary Dress: Eva Mendes

Actually, Eva Mendes looks great.  But she also kiiiiiiiinda looks like she stapled an extra dress to her hip in case she spilled something on the first one.  Eva, may I suggest a lobster bib next time?  Much more streamlined.

Most Revealing Dress to Also Look Horrifyingly Matronly: Renee Zellweger

Granted, Renee Zellweger could wear the most gorgeous dress in the world and still look awful as long as she employs her famous default facial expression of "sourpuss squinting at a solar eclipse while swallowing a handful of needles," but this is just an abomination.

Best "Josie Grosie" Throwback: Drew Barrymore
 
Doesn't that hair look a little too much like this?  Drew Barrymore would have looked better dressing up as ANY OTHER character she has played in her life.  Even the little girl in E.T.

Best Use of 1992 Technology: Lisa Rinna

This dress looks like your average hideous geometric pattern at first--until you stare at it long enough and the 3-D Magic Eye dinosaur appears.  Good save, Rinna!

Best Use of an Iron: The Top of Rachel Griffifths' Dress

Worst Use of an Iron: The Bottom of Rachel Griffifths' Dress

Best Use of Resume Paper

The pattern/color of this dress on Penelope Cruz are exactly what I look for when I go to Kinko's to Xerox my resume.  So . . . not a good choice for a dress.

Am I forgetting anyone?