LMNOP

I like browsing the Hammacher Schlemmer site on occasion, mostly because it makes me feel like a crazy eccentric evil millionaire villain picking up a few new things for the ol' lair. If you don't know what I mean, check out their Unexpected section post-haste. You will find, among other things:

A $25,000 "Power Nap Capsule" with a larger-than-king-size mattress made of "supple calfskin leather and 6"-thick cold foam." I assume it also has a panel that allows you to pre-set the content of your dreams by adjusting levers labeled World Domination, Jetski Escapes, I Can Fly, and Hairless Cats Love Me.

A $65,000 "Emotive Robotic Avatar" that expresses five emotions. I did the math. That is $13,000 per emotion. 

A $17,000 60 MPH Hovercraft, which seats two and might just be the best deal on the site. I mean, it barely costs more than one of your pet robot's smiles, and it is a HOVERCRAFT that HOVERS and that is AWESOME.

Anyway. The real point of this post is to point out some curious economics at play elsewhere on the site. Let's take a look at two big ticket items that are also available:

1. A Flying Car

This is clearly the most awesome thing ever. Please read the entire description and watch the video so you can see/hear the "lifelike reactions and fortissimo bellowing" for yourself.

I don't know if you watch Toddlers & Tiaras or if you have some other way of being Horrible that's more personal and special to you (pshh, bet your vice doesn't let you make up cool words like Toddenfreude), but Alana from last week's episode is a must-see. She is an outlier even in a population where being average means having been born during the Obama presidency but already wearing makeup, fake eyelashes, and prosthetic beauty teeth on a regular basis.

She is my new queen.

This video, provided by Best Week Ever in an early contender for Public Service Journalism Act of the Year, will change your life forever: 

I watched this vid about 20 (coughmillioncough) times late last week and discussed it at length with several friends, including my bud/GIFsmith Matt. Matt proceeded to make a gorgeous batch of Alana GIFs, which I am sharing with you the best way I know how: in an ALANA GIF WALLLLLL!

You can also click on any gif to open the (slightly enlarged) source version to download, link, or print out and burn.

(Warning: this may take a fewwww seconds to load.)

Annnnd we'll close on an appropriate note:

Tip of the hat, bitches. I'm OUT.

"Proud?" I think we're editorializing here. Slightly.

(Full article, aka more information for any LMNOP readers who are, like, related to Jordin Sparks or something and need to know more.)

One thing the internet has proved is that if you can think of an idea, someone else out there has probably also thought of it, too. (Or at least, something very similar.) This can be kind of depressing, because it makes it realllllly hard to have an original thought. But it can also be kind of satisfying, because sometimes you get an idea that you are mildly amused by, but don't feel like executing yourself, and lo--you Google it, and someone has already done the legwork for you. At least, this was the case for me the other day when I thought about how it would be funny if someone did a "Teach Me How to Snuggie" video parody based on "Teach Me How to Dougie." This was certainly not something I was going to do myself. That would have required effort and considerably more Snuggies than I own.

Fortunately, there are no fewer than 232 YouTube search results for "Teach Me How to Snuggie;" here is just one of the many:

OK, that was a really stupid idea.

You know what really makes me feel like a part of something? I'll tell you. It's how every time I Google "Is it OK to eat expired "[insert random food here]," I see that approminately 9 million people have asked the exact same thing, and that there are, in fact, entire discussion threads about whether, say, Italian Wedding Soup is good for a year past expiry. Before the internet, I can imagine it was very isolating for people to believe that they were the only ones that somehow had cans of soup that were older than the actual amount of time they'd been living in their houses. These days, it's just one more way to find a friend.

(To be continued with Thursday's post, "On Food Poisoning.")

Soooo, this is gonna be me unloading a few pics/videos of chimps. Just warning you now. Don't expect it to somehow become more than that. It's just that yesterday I saw this--

--and bookmarked it, thinking it might be a good link for Friday. Chimp bloopers?! After all--chimp bloopers?! That's so internet!

Then, today, I got this IM.

Emily: and in other news, chimp wedding chimp wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2010/09/28/GA2010092802643.html?wpisrc=nl_most

Yes. Apparently there was a chimp wedding in China. I find this photo to be amazing:

Naturally, the picture led me to wonder if chimp weddings happen often. So I Googled "chimp weddings," and, for some reason, found this site, which might be the most amazing thing of all. (Link goes to a cached version of the page, because the actual site is kind of wonky.) I mean, look at this:

Is it just me, is this woman DEFINITELY a chimp pimp? I mean, we've got the following:

• Phrases like "once in a lifetime" and "close-up encounter" with a "young chimpanzee"
• Leopard print in two out of the three photos
• The facial expression on that bottom chimp

And, I just . . . I don't know anymore.

Ah, the disturbing truths we encounter when we dare to Google chimp matrimony precedents.

OK, please don't tell me I have reached my Saved by the Bell-referencing quota for the week, because I have something else to share. This all started last week when I was watching Part I of the Top Chef finale (don't worry, no spoilers). The finale took place in Singapore, and for the elimination challenge they had to cook and serve food at a place in Sentosa called the Tanjong Beach Club. While the challenge is going on, we see the waiters for the challenge all lined up like this:

(screencap grabbed from bwe)

And I was like, "WHOA. Is 'Tanjong' Chinese for 'Malibu Sands?' Because between the striped polos and the beach club situation and the standing-in-a-line, I just got the strongest SBTB-ja-vu everrrr." I wanted to point this out, but unfortunately, after some Googling, I could not find the exact SBTB screencap I was looking for to complete my visual analogy--that is, until today. This morning, I was randomly browsing the Internet and came across this list of funny Saved by the Bell screencaps, which were sourced from this blog, LOLSlater. And after scrolling exactly halfway down the page at LOLSlater, what did I see? This:


THE EXACT SCENE I'D HAD IN MIND exactly one week ago when I was trying to make my Top Chef-SBTB comparison! I was/still am extremely mentally soothed to be able to close the loop on this comparison. All I had wanted was to be able to put those two pictures side by side, chuckle lightly to myself 2-3 times, and go on with my life. And now I can.

Our internet is a kind internet.

I immediately sent the link to Emily (who was a fan of those sleeves), and the two of us spent a good 10 minutes doing image searches trying to find a better marriage expert pic.  No dice.  This woman is the queen.  Feel free to check for yourself.

*BTW, according to the "sitting on something makes you an expert" school of logic, I am an expert on chairs.  So if you have any chair questions, just ask.

I have really been enjoying Black and WTF, and blog that compiles old photos with completely absurd things going on in them.  A few recent favorites:

 

And my No. 1 fave:

Just good old Doreen, takin' an alligator ride.