LMNOP

When I say the Oscars got off to a bad start last night, I am actually just talking (Anne Hathaway style) about myself. 

(Yeah--best to just open up with my stance on the Great Anne Hathaway Debate. Do not like.) 

Anyway, I had crucially burned some popcorn on my stove immediately prior to the telecast, and as I ran through the house opening windows, turning on fans, clearing smoke, and eventually re-popping popcorn (because I'm not a QUITTER who would abandon her plan for a completely nutrition-less dinner at the first sign of a setback), I caught only snippets of the opening monologue. So for that first 15 minutes or so, I thought my questions (huh? is that William Shatner? Why is Seth McFarlane so obsessed with whether he is a bad host? Are they singing an entire song about boobs?) all had perfectly logical answers that I was just missing because I was only catching bits and pieces from the giant burnt popcorn kernel that was my kitchen.

WELL. I got my act together by 8:45 PM; the show never did. As Richard Rushfield articulates nicely here, the 2013 Oscars were odd, awkward, and tonally schizophrenic: dramatic musical numbers tied together by an ever-thinning thread of Desperate Seth McFarlane.

And that's really all I have to say about the show in general. Let's get to the winners, losers, and, the in-betweeners.

WINNERS

I'm lacking the time to put together a proper recap today, but I just can't miss the opportunity to praise some of the delightfully tacky outfits from last night's Grammy red carpet.

The past few rounds of Oscars, Globes, and Emmys have had plenty of looks both beautiful and bad, but tacky is its own, specific breed. Tacky isn't so much about wearing a bad outfit--it's about wearing a jubilantly inappropriate one. Like everyone else knew it was an awards show and you thought it was a Dress Like a Human My Little Pony Contest.

Looking at you, Kate Pierson of the B-a52s. Loooooking at you.

Tacky is never lazy. Tacky takes work. Tacky means spending hours lovingly dying a Rapunzel hair extension in Kool Aid while you wait for your chainmail.com order to arrive. Tacky takes effort.

Tacky is elusive. It reminds you of something, but offers its own spin. Tacky is John Mayer channeling Willy Wonka channeling John Mayer back again.

Tacky is knowing everyone has heard your voice over and over again all year and giving them miles of sheerness and tulle and saying, "HERE'S EVEN MORE ME. YOU'RE WELCOME."

Tacky is whatever this is on whoever this is.

Tacky is the leg slit on the shapeless dress that doesn't even look good with the hair that even looks worse, making it clear that you chose this look not because you liked the designer, but because you like your own bod more than anything that can be made out of mere fabric.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Tacky is sophisticated 70s Mother Nature realness served with a side of This Face, All Night, Because You're Damn Right I'm Serious.

Tacky is Taylor. You know I'm right.

Tacky is great. I miss tacky. Tacky will outlast the careers of all of these people. Tacky is timeless. And you can never go wrong with a classic.

P.S. Tacky is a blog post that uses the T-word 25 times. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Hopefully I have done enough of these fashion recaps where I can now skip writing an intro justifying my continued renewal of this petty exercise and just get straight to the gown sniping.

HERE WE GO!

KRISTEN WIIG

More like KRISTEN TWIIG, amirite?!?!

(Because she's skinny AND wearing brown! Get it?! Hahahahahatemyself)

KATIE HOLMES

Wasn't sure if my joke for this one made sense, so I took it for outside counsel:

Approved. "Sports bra of Frankenstein" it is. If that makes no sense, thank Emily.

JON HAMM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND,WHO KEEPS WEARING BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER COLORS SO THAT MAYBE PEOPLE WILL SEE HER NEXT TO JON HAMM

I guess I'm a bad person for never remembering this woman's name. But, in all seriousness, if I were Jon Hamm's girlfriend, I would literally change my name to John Hamm's Girlfriend, and if she hasn't already done that, it's not really my fault. (Also: in my head I sometimes think of them as "Jon Hamm and Jon Her," which doesn't even make sense. But there you have it.)

JANE KRAKOWSKI

Jane didn't get the Emmy she was up for, but she is definitely this year's recipient of the "Hulk Hogan Skin" Award. It's not an Emmy, but it's something.

PAZ DE LA HUERTA

Should Jane Krawkowski not be able to fulfill her duties as shiniest orange woman in Hollywood, a replacement has been identified and is waiting in the wings.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Devil: So, Gwyneth, I have your contract ready for you to sign, regarding your face.
Gwyneth: Oh, great! Devil: Just to review the terms, you are selling me your soul.
Gwyneth: Yep.
Devil: In return, I am going to let you keep the same face you had in the 90s forever, without aging.
Gwyneth: Yes.
Devil: And you've further agreed to my condition that in order to keep the 90s face, you have to also dress like it's the 90s. And like, uncool 90s.
Gwyneth: (sighs) Yes.
Devil: OOOOK then. I think we're good to sign. Tell Chris I loved the new album. I play it all the time at Hell Orientation.

(BTW, joke is on the Devil. What the HELL is he going to do with Gwyneth Paltrow's soul?)

JULIANNA MARGOLIES

Gahhhh. Every award show, there is at ONE dress that I think is so ridiculous, but cannot for the life of me think of a good joke for. This year, this is that dress. The best thing I could think of was calling the big water droplet thingies a fashion "DEW" not, which is, basically the Julianna Margolies 2011 Emmy dress of jokes: a bad, bad choice.

JAYMA MAYS

So, the thing about Jayma Mays is that she always seems to be on trend and pitch perfect--for a CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. And I'm sure she's totally normal and cool and doesn't go home to one of those houses full of glass unicorns that all have specific names and need to be in certain places like on whatever movie I'm blanking about right now, but . . . God, I'm not sure of that at ALL.

This woman totally goes home to glass unicorns.

ELLIE KEMPER

Ellie Kemper's motto in life: "Dress for the job you want" 

Job Ellie Kemper wants: Person on the Funfetti cake mix box

Cold, dead, hands she will have to pry that offer letter (on Pillsbury Doughboy's letterhead) out of: MINE

I did like this dress, though.

OLIVIA MUNN

(Blah blah blah, Jolly Green Giant's special occasion bedsheets, blah blah blah, moving on)

ELIZABETH MOSS

I guess the thing about this dress that bothers me the most is that the sheer fabric makes it hard for me to tell where the dress ends and the slightly creepy actress I am absolutely certain I would hate in real life begins.

KELLY MACDONALD

This dress reminds me of those optical illusions that can be both two faces and a vase and a horrible thing to wear to an awards ceremony at the same time.

HEIDI KLUM AND SEAL

I mean, like, they look insane. But guess who doesn't care? Heidi Klum and Seal.

ALAN CUMMING

No, this actually totally works, and I love it.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL 

This dress fell flat for me, but in a boring way that I can't easily make fun of. JUST LIKE THE PREVIEWS FOR ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S SHOW! Heyooo.

JOEL McHALE

I love Joel McHale and am therefore not sure how to handle the inTENSEly strong Bruno Mars vibe I am getting from this outfit.

Ultimately, I think I will just ignore it. 

ANNA FARIS

Niche joke for people who played like 35 hours of The Sims 2 per week in college: somebody totally took a blank dress and went to Build mode and picked a floor tile pattern and Ctrl + clicked to fill on this one, right? Rrrrright.

DIANNA AGRON

I missed the red carpet interview where they asked Dianna who designed this dress, but I assume it was Eiffel 65.

PLAY US OUT, GUYS!

 

Jezebel put up a slideshow of the past 10 World's Ugliest Dog winners the other day in honor of a new champion being crowned over the weekend. I thought I'd take a look at the field and rank them in order of cutest to WHYGODWHYest.

CUTEST UGLIEST DOG: Pabst, 2009 Winner

I found Pabst to be the cutest winner of the past decade by far. 2009 must have presented a particularly weak field, because I find Pabst to be not just non-ugly, but rather cute. Sure, he's got a brutal underbite--but once you see some other past winners, you will wonder how this Pabst got his blue ribbon. Just like the beer.

Gus, 2008 Winner

Awww. I love Gus. The combination of cute smile and permanent wink (albeit due to only having one eye) give this little guy something special. While Pabst is objectively less ugly, Gussy here is my fave of the bunch. I like his spark.

Princess Abby, 2010 Winner

Next in the rankings is Princess Abby, a four-year-old chihuahua mix. To her credit, she's not even the ugliest thing in this picture. (Thank youuuu, sandals.)

Nana, 2000-2001 Winner

Nana's a mess.

 

Rascal, 2002 Winner

I stared at Rascal for soooooo long trying to figure out who he reminded me of, and then it hit me--the guy from Insane Clown Posse. 

Needless to say, it is a truly F-ed up competition when looking like that guy lands you on the cuter half of the rankings.

Yoda, 2011 Winner

I think Yoda is the real tipping point in my personal rankings. The first few dogs were ugly; from here on out they are horrifying.

Archie, 2006 Winner

Archie is a purebred Chinese Crested. Those in the know are aware that Chinese Cresteds have historically done very well in ugliest dog competitions. This is because the BEST Chinese Cresteds resemble Fraggles that have been in a horrible accident. It's not too hard to understand how things can get so bad when that is the starting point.

Elwood, 2007 Winner

I had trouble deciding whether Elwood was uglier than Archie. It was the toughest differentiation I had to make in my rankings. Ultimately, Elwood emerged triumphant on the grounds that his face was that much smushier; his eyes, crustier and swollen shut; and his tongue, just that extra degree more shriveled and lolling. For these reasons, he represents a slight evolution in ugliness over Archie that is enough to make him the second ugliest dog of the entire past decade of winners. But, oh--just wait until you see number one.

Sam, 2003-2005 Winner

Sam is epic. Sam is everything. Sam looks like if an already ugly, Satan-possessed dog walked into a burning building and emerged, hours later, singed and somehow still alive, charged with new evil powers and ready to take over the world. No dog can ever be uglier than Sam, and it is no wonder this champ won for three straight years before his death in 2005. He blows the other competition away. There is no place your eyes can rest on his tiny body that doesn't ellicit sheer horror. Every time you look at him, you notice something new and disgusting: his brittle, mangled ears with their white wisps of hair; his blind, soul-deadening eyes; his feeble, ratlike tail; the wrinkled, liver-spotted skin; the teeth! The warts! I could go on. The one small mercy this dog was granted was an inability to see himself. That probably added years to his life.

Sam lived to the ripe (there's another good Sam adjective) age of 14, and I think we can all agree that his time on this earth was well spent. I'm glad the World's Ugliest Dog competition existed to give him his rightful recognition, and I only wish there were further stages of competition--Ugliest Animal, Ugliest Mammal, Ugliest Living Organism, Ugliest Anything--for him to have climbed through. I'm fairly certain he could have placed respectably at any level of competition.

Rest in peace, little guy. You were sooooo, soooooo ugly.

Because I have as much right to critique the Oscars as anyone who dozed off approximately one hour into the broadcast, here are my official comments on the most important part: the clothes.

Natalie Portman

Dressing around a pregnancy can be difficult, but critics agreed that Portman really nailed it in this drapey plum Rodarte with "BITCHES U KNOW I'M GONNA WIN" emblazoned on the baby bump. Resplendent!

Cate Blanchett

So, the gallery I saw this in described Cate Blanchett as "always a fashion plate," and after I read that, I was like OMG. THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A HERE. A PLATE. A FASHION ONE. I mean, I kinda do like this dress, but wow--she really does look like what a plate would have turned into at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the household objects got to become human again, right? Yes. I'm right. 

Helen Mirren

She should seriously change her name from "Dame Helen Mirren" to "Damnnn, Helen Mirren."

Penelope Cruz

So, I had to stare at this for like six minutes before I realized what was bothering me about it, but then it hit me. This is the exact costume that would be worn by the person playing Jupiter in a production of The Solar System on Ice. Like, exactly. The Great Red Spot is there and everything.

(Sidenote: why is there no such thing as a Solar System on Ice show?)

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are lucky they are famous, because otherwise they would be one of those couples people are always awkwardly mistaking for brother and sister. (Or maybe even sister and sister. Keith Urban's face is, like, 40% more feminine than mine is.)

Also, Andrea, you are correct: the official three-letter description of this dress is WTF.

Reese Witherspoon

I liked this dress!

In 2001.

At my prom.

Anne Hathaway and Sandra Bullock

I am grouping these two ladies together. If they had looked any more alike last night, they would have been Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Looks like soooooomebody heard I was casting Solar System on Ice and is gunning for the part of Mercury. Subtle, Gwynnie--rrrrreal subtle.

Scarlett Johansson

Remember when everyone used to be obsessed with ScarJo? Right now that time seems about as far away as the beet farm beauty pageant this dress should have been worn to.

Florence Welch

Very cool, if you like that "Tilda Swinton at a square dance" vibe. You don't? Ah, then. Sorry.

Sharon Stone

Someone please tell her she's already scary.

Marisa Tomei

This dress starts off awkwardly, takes a weird turn about halfway through, and then just becomes an absolute trainwreck. OH, GOD: IT'S THE DRESS EQUIVALENT OF A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

Virginia Madsen

Am I hallucinating, or is this the second time in recent memory that Virginia Madsen has shown up to something looking like Cruella De Vil? Can someone research that? Preferably not an L.A.-based dalmatian owner, though--you should be busy hiding your dog(s) right now.

Amy Adams

I like Amy Adams, and I enjoyed this combo of red hair and navy sparkle. Which is why I feel bad for . . .

Dale Dickey

Same concept, but a little less cute.

Nancy O'Dell

Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul Nancy O'Dell has no soul

. . . What? 

I'll close this recap with a GIF (source) of my fave moment of the night: Helena Bonham Carter reacting to hearing her own name called in the list of Best Supporting Actress nominations:

Love her.

THE END.

P.S. Thanks go to Emily for letting me bounce jokes off of her all day.

So Nancy O'Dell is a person, one of the ones on E! or something, and she hosts one of those shows, like Now That's What I Call Celebrities Doing Shit or whatever. (I don't really have the time to look it up right now, because I have a Cat vs. Washing Machine video waiting in my next tab that I am d-d-d-dying to get to.) Anyway, the point is, this woman is not particularly famous and I do not particularly care about her, but I did come across this picture of her today in a People's Choice Red Carpet gallery:

And it made me realize: in all my years of casually, occasionally seeing photos of this woman (deep in the parts of red carpet slideshows where the most marginally relevant people are kept), I have never seen a photo in which she looked even sliiightly alive inside. Like, this woman has the deadest. expression. ever.

(Sidenote: this reminds me of college, when Kelly and I would use the insult "dead inside" so much that we abbreviated it to "D.I.," then "die," then "die-die," and so on. We were impossible to be in a room with.)

So anyway, that's when I decided to play a game. The game is called Let's Scroll Through Google Image Results for Nancy O'Dell Until We See One Where She Looks Like She Has a Soul. Care to play along?

TOTAL NUMBER OF SOULS DETECTED: 0

TOTAL NUMBER OF SOULS DETECTED: 0

. . . . And so on. This went on for several rows of scrolling. And then--what did I see? Jewel!

Jewel is ALL UP in the search results for Nancy O'Dell; she appears multiple times, like the infiltrated the page. Moral of the story? Jewel: still obsessed with saving souls, even after all these years.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to.

Perhaps you remember this article from a few weeks back about hand model Kimbra Hickley, whose hands are featured holding an apple on the cover of Twilight. My impression at the time was that Kimbra--who admitted to doing things like going up to random people on the subway and telling them those were her hands on the cover of their books--was, like, the craziest hand model ever.

Kimbra, this is my formal apology to you. You are only the second craziest hand model ever. Please meet Ellen Sirot, interviewed here for a CBS news piece:

The clip actually appears to be from sometime in 2008, but fortunately, Ellen's is a timeless kind of crazy that only gets better with time.

Is it just me, or is Post Secret ridiculous sometimes?

Sooooo . . . the Oscars were last night.  Because this is the biggest of them all, I will be doing today's fashion recap in true awards show format.  Here we go!

ROUND ONE: THE SHOWDOWNS
Award categories pitting two nominees against each other

Category: Worst Purple Monstrosity
And the nominees are: Charlize Theron and Zoe Saldana

Both of these enterprising young women came up with very creative approaches to looking horrible in purple.  On the one hand, Charlize took a straightforward bridemaid gown and enhanced it with boob-finder patches in a complementary shade; Zoe, on the other hand, pulled out all the stops--including the stop that was labeled, "CAUTION:  DO NOT WEAR SOMETHING THAT WOULD ONLY LOOK SEXY TO GRIMACE FROM McDONALD'S."

The envelope, please: This one has to go to Zoe Saldana.  Charlize, you tried; however, it was Zoe who spent the night kicking Grimace-balls around in an unrelenting attempt to be the worst in purple.

Category: Fleshiest
And the nominees are: Anna Kendrick, Demi Moore

It is one thing to wear a dress that fits you like a second skin; it is entirely another to wear a dress that is the exact same color as your skin.  For Anna, this meant wearing a pale pink-ish color; Demi, however, chose a slightly tanner selection from the exclusive EpidermalFormal  line of fabrics.

The envelope, please: I'm not sure how to judge this one.  I guess I'll give it to Demi for having the slightly closer tonal match, but does that really make her a winner?  I don't know.

Category: Best Dress Inspired by the Watercolors Hanging in My Old Orthodontist's Office
And the nominees are: Rachel McAdams, Maggie Gyllenhaal

You know, I definitely liked Maggie's dress, and I may even like Rachel's.  And I give them both credit for wearing prints to the Oscars.  However, I would be remiss in my duties as a total asshole if I did not point out that both prints look like they came straight off the wall of my orthodontist's office circa 1999.

The envelope, please: I liked Maggie's dress better overall, whereas Rachel's most closely brought home the watercolor repro motif for me.  So I am just going to give the award to orthodontists in general.  That seems fair.

Category: Most Confusing
And the nominees are: The Main Part of Jennifer Lopez's Dress, The Huge Other Part of Jennifer Lopez's Dress

This dress looked drastically different from every angle, which left me confused and slightly disoriented.  This is due in part to the bunchy construction, but also to the fact that I think it was annexing other pink dresses as the night went on.

The envelope, please: The title of "Most Confusing" will, in fact, go to the main part of the dress.  That is where all the problems began.  I think.

Category: The Best Old Lady in a Blue Dress Who's Married to a Guy Named James
And the nominees are: James Taylor's Wife (top pic), James Cameron's Wife (bottom pic)

I don't know what the F was up here, but these two women were basically wearing the same thing, right?  Awkward.

The envelope, please:  Mrs. Taylor FTW.  No sense breaking the Cameron family's losing streak now.

Category: Deadest Inside
And the nominees are: Kristen Stewart, Kathy Ireland

All I really have to say to these ladies is: HOLY GLAZED-OVER EYES AND FORCED SMILE, BAT-TO-THE-MAN.

(Long, cleansing sigh goes rrrrrright abouuuut heeeeeere.)

So, this is Kristen Stewart's thing.  She shows up at these events looking pained, depressed, and uncomfortable, forgetting that we all know that nobody is holding her hostage in Hollywood and forcing her to be an actress.  Yawn.  But where the hell did Kathy Ireland come from?  (Actually, I know: KMart.)  E! brought Ms. Ireland on to do red carpet interviews last night, and I have to say that I have never seen a human look and act less natural than she did.  (To give you an idea of how bad she was, just read here.)

The envelope, please: Tough call.  I'll give it to Kristen Stewart and hope she is uncomfortable with the attention.

ROUND TWO: THE ONE-OFFS
Awards that went unopposed

Best Combination of Bright Hair, Bright Dress, and Fading Relevance: Molly Ringwald

Because nothing matches not doing much since the '80s like BRIGHT-ASS PURPLE and BRIGHT-ASS RED!!! RIGHT?!!?!

"Look at Me, I'm with George Clooney"-ist: Elisabetta Canales

Most Likely to Have to Dress This Way So Her High-Ass Husband Can Find Her Easily: Woody Harrelson's Wife

The "Thank God They Left Her a Place to Put Her Hand" Award: Vera Farmiga

Best . . . Um . . . What?: Sarah Jessica Parker

Two things are guaranteed with SJP: 1.) she will always be dressed in something freakish; and 2.) and she will always look thrilled as shit to be in it.

The "Yikes, I Hope Your Dry Cleaner Doesn't Charge Extra for Removing the Quentin Tarantino Smell" Award: Diane Kruger
Meryl Streep-iest: Meryl Streep

Your thoughts?  Who did I miss?

The 2010 Golden Globes were last night, which means today I have a fashion recap for you.  Surely you know how this works by now.

I found the fashion last night to be sort of boring overall--way too much dusty pink/nude, for example.  But here's what stood out, nevertheless:

Fergie

A good dress should make a statement.  Here, that statement is, "PERIWINKLE PERIWINKLE PERIWINKLE!!!!!!!!"  Unfortunately, I am not such a huge fan of periwinkle.  It was always the one crayon in my box that still looked perfectly sharpened midway through the school year, when good colors were all nubby from overuse.  Fergie, you should have gone with Cerulean! 

Diane Kruger

I think as far as to Diane Kruger's dress goes, reactions from people are going to vary widely based on how much they like taffy pulls.  Me?  I give it an A+.  Taffy is awesome!  In fact, here's an EXTREME TAFFY CLOSEUP:

Julia Roberts

Is it just me, or is Julia Roberts, like, ridiculously underdressed? I could wear this outfit to work and not get a second look.  And I work in a coal mine.

Elisabetta Canalis

Elisabetta Canalis is dating George Clooney, which means she has a lot of things figured out.  One of them seems to be how to wear a dress that shows off where all the tendons and ligaments are located in the human abdomen.

Annalyne McCord

 

Annalynne McCord's dress is like one of those optical illusions where you can see either of two things, like a vase or two faces, depending on how you look at it.  But in her case, you can only see one thing: two fists grabbing her boobs.

(Also, I showed this picture to Kelly, and she called is JWOWW: Bridal Edition, which I think is also a very accurate description.  This is a Jersey Shore wedding dress if I ever saw one.)

Jayma Mays

This is Jayma Mays from Glee, and possibly also from an upcoming TLC show called Help! I Didn't Know I Was a Spider!

Lauren Graham

And here is Lauren Graham, wearing an only very slightly more embellished version of the secondhand bridesmaid dress I wore to the Bridesmaid Bar Crawl in November.  Needless to say, I am calling her best dressed of the night.

Kate Winslet